Category: Emotional Intelligence

I just discovered this awesome video on youtube. Watch the first few minutes, even if you don’t have time to watch the entire 16 minute story. It is a fantastic meditation on the power of kindness and how we have the power to validate each other.

Several years ago when Emma and Max were small, I heard that on average, fathers spend 5 minutes per day with their kids.  This seemed impossible.

Yet this morning, after being away all last week, while Patty & the kids were having breakfast, I was answering email.

Why?

Partly just habit now… maybe it grew from a pattern of mine: When I feel overwhelmed, I retreat and make myself busy.  When there’s “too much going on” (ie, normal family chaos), I retreat to the office and get on the computer…and maybe now I’m just used to hanging out at my desk?

But I have this sense of the window closing – the time when the kids WANT to be with me is growing shorter – and I’m feeling a bit sad and anxious about this.  Those important, valuable, unpleasant feelings are leading me to wonder about the choices I’m making.

This is an excerpt from a keynote for young executives in the Malaysian government (aka “emerging leaders”).  My goal in this session was to engage them to consider how they show up as leaders and the opportunity offered by using emotions more consciously and effectively.

The clip starts with our “EQ-Performance Chain” which shows how emotions are critical for driving results — then goes into a brief overview of the Six Seconds Model.  Later in the talk I go into a little more detail on each of Know, Choose, and Give yourself with a few interactive discussions, video clips, and activities.

Fascinating post by Jonah Lehrer about colors and problem solving

2 key points:

1.  different colors stimulate different types of thinking… red for analysis, blue for creativity

2.  relaxation is key to innovation… as Tessy Britton blogged before (here) there is a critical link between emotional states and creative problem solving.  People do, in fact, need to be “in the right mood” to be effective innovators… so if you want to be an emotionally intelligent organization or school, get the feeling right!!

This guy’s blog is GREAT for those neuroscience fans – check it out: The Color of Creativity : The Frontal Cortex

Othman Alkhader, one of our network members from Kuwait, shared this proverb with me (because I was speaking in the Gulf I wanted some!):

At first I thought it was kind of “non EQ” self-destructive — but discussing w Billy & Hamidah (2 other network members) late night in Malaysia, maybe it’s really a pillar of emotional intelligence:  If you are emotionally smart, you take your full share of responsibility (but no more).  That’s part of the competencies we call “Exercise Optimism” and “Engage Intrinsic Motivation” – it means taking ownership, not just of what’s easy, but of the whole enchilada (to mix cultures)…

How amazing would that be to work for leaders, and live with people, who took the full measure of responsibility for their choices?

What do you think – and feel – about the proverb?

Out to dinner on Valentine’s Day, young couple on first (?) date sitting at the next table:

Boy:  “This place is pretty good!”

Girl: “Yes, I like the food.”

Boy: “Oh good, I was worried.  I thought it was like a downscale Olive Garden, I mean I thought maybe I was taking you to some hole in the ground for Valentine’s Day….”

Help! Get this boy an EQ coach!!!

To be more emotionally intelligent, ask yourself this important question:  What do you want this person to feel? Perhaps you want her to feel special, important, attractive, interesting… or you can go with the “hole in the ground” comment (showing that your mom chose the restaurant) leaving her feeling doubtful and drab.

Then, when you know what you what feelings you want to inspire, you can consider what of your own authentic feelings you can tap to engage those.  Then use that as a guide to manage your own choices!!

Today Dev Dhaliwal (Director of our office here in Malaysia) and I were in “The Mall” in Kuala Lumpur – one of the first big shopping malls in the city (opened in 1986).  We were near the top where big curving metal beams meet the roof, and Dev said, “I remember how when this opened we all thought this structure was so amazing…”

Meanwhile, yesterday (!) I was walking along the path below the Jumeirah Beach Hotel in Dubai with Jayne Morrison, the Director of our Middle East office.  The skyline there is dominated by “the Burj” (Jumeirah’s Burj Al Arab hotel, which opened in 1999).  We got talking about this remarkable structure, and how it’s almost breathtaking standing near it.  Jayne wondered how long it would be before these properties would seem passé, and said something to the effect of, “I’ve loved going into this hotel since I first came to Dubai.”

In the past I’ve used the phrase “the test of time” thinking of the sweep of history – of those few works that remain relevant and significant over hundreds of years.  But tonight it seems that time is speeding up, and I’m wondering about the “test of decades” or even, “the test of years.”

I look back to my years as a contractor (1980s) or as a teacher (1990s) and wonder:  Does that work still measure up?  (some yes!)  Likewise, we started Six Seconds in 1997 — what from those first years still stands relevant?  I remember our first “EQ Trainer Certification” with some chagrin compared to the solid program it’s become — but there are still elements from the very first one.  Certainly the core model and learning design have stuck… and once in a while I hear from people who, at the turn of the Millennium, said “this experience changed my life,” and who still identify it as a turning point.  In general I’m satisfied with the “decade test,” but I also see places where I now regret those cut corners.

But perhaps the real opportunity in this question is to consider it in advance… What would happen if we all practiced asking ourselves:  “Will this decision stand the test of time?”

We just finished the Level 1 Certification here in Dubai with another amazing group.  I’m struck – again – by the way this work connects people from all “walks of life,” cultures, religions, and races.  We have people in this group from 12 countries that I can name – Nigeria, Zimbabwe, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Canada, US, South Africa, Oman, Germany, Portugal, Russia, India… plus a few more!

And here we are in Dubai, one of the new centers of the world, amidst construction cranes (32 out my window), and economic uncertainty, and new hope.  Together finding that we each have a compelling purpose waiting us – that when we strip away the differences and uncertainties we are all driven together to make a positive difference… starting here, now!  We live with layers of fog that keep us from seeing one another – and in these unique moments we focus our hearts’ attention and find that we are “just people,” and together we are more.

I suspect my optimism confounds my time management. Six months ago I was working on my plans for ‘09, and scheduled a trip to Dubai for late January, and saw these lovely two weeks at the start of the month stretching out like virgin snow on a ski slope.  I planned a whole host of projects confident that I’d be able to get them all done (optimism!).

Now “halfway down my ski slope” I’m looking at my list, and looking at my time, and thinking “you said you’d do WHAT?” 🙂  And then I feel a bit disappointed in myself because I KNOW this, I’ve done this before and said I don’t want to do it again.  Perhaps the pattern is:  When I plan my time, I feel full of optimism and I over commit.

On the one hand this is a tremendously beneficial pattern:  I over commit, then I accomplish SO much.  That anxiousness is a motivating force.

On the other hand, the costs are high stress and late nights.  In this view the anxiousness is wearing me down.

The opportunity, of course, is that by recognizing and attending to my anxiousness when it is very small, I can recognize what’s happening and make a choice — I can change course and redesign next week!  The “negative” emotion becomes an ally to help me change.