Author: Joshua Freedman

The World Academy for the Future of Women (WAFW) leadership program is a bold and rigorous training initiative for young women students committed to acquiring skills and confidence to develop as campus, community, national, and eventually global leaders. These young women found a focus on emotional intelligence played a big part of how they evolved and developed as leaders in the nine-month program.

Supported by a grant from Six Seconds, The Emotional Intelligence Network, and the commitment of network member Angie Wong, the WAFW participants had the opportunity to experience the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment and EQ training program.  The Six Seconds EQ toolset helped the 87 young women at the Sias University in Henan, China to become more aware, more intentional and more purposeful with their emotions.

Through facilitated curriculum, dialogue, and interactive programs, the young women students are prepared for leadership roles in the new economy as global citizens.  Team projects based on the United Nations Millennium Development Goals are the centerpiece of the WIFW program.  Together with other volunteer facilitators, Wong provided the Six Seconds assessments and training to compliment the other components of the WIFW curriculum.

As a result of the EQ work, these WAFW women had a greater understanding of their own emotional intelligence competencies and were able to apply what they learned in building the capacity in influencing others.  By developing more clear self-awareness and practical tools for becoming more masterful with their own emotions and reactions, they gained much more confidence as leaders and were able to apply their EQ strengths for personal and team effectiveness.

One participant, Acqua Shui, described the need for this aspect of leadership development, and the changes she experienced in the program:  “At the beginning, I have fear in my heart instead of confidence, courage. I was fearful to speak out. I fear to have a challenge and make a difference. Even when I wake up and open my eyes I feel helpless and weak. Fears fill up my heart so I cannot focus on my study and I didn’t have any passion.”

After the program, Shui had a dramatically different perspective:  “In my future, I want to be a strong, powerful and heart centered leader. I want to be a leader who will inspire the female to be independent and become a whole person. I also want to be an educator, to help educate future generation. I want to support others to live a happy life with positive heart in difficult life.”

 

Coco Lee, another participant, shared a similar perspective of her life before the program:

Firstly, in the past, I am timid, even when answering questions in class, I will be shrinking. I am scared to speak in public and am not comfortable of who I am. I am overly concerned with how others think of me. I am nervous about who I am. I feel unhappy.

I know nothing about the feelings. I think they are just feelings and let them control me. When I am angry, just yell out at others and regret what I have done later. What’s worse, I am so easy to lose my temper. I think we can do nothing about our nature.

I don’t care about the outer world. I only focus on my trifles around me. I think I am an ordinary person, a female, and I can do nothing about the world. What I need to do is to live my life. Other things are not my business. I am selfish.

Finally, I used to be living a life without thinking. I have no idea about my future, my life, my direction. Just live one day and the other day. I don’t like to communicate with others. I have no interests to explore people, life’s meaning and others things. I am a person who doesn’t recognize her soul and the meaning of life.

In her writing about her current state, after the program, Lee describes a dramatically different experience of herself as an emerging leader:

Now, I am confident and finish my presentation successfully. I know confidence comes from sufficient preparation, self-awareness and self management. I am happy that I find myself. I have the confidence and courage in my heart. Sometimes I am a little afraid. But it is OK, I think. I can control it well. Confidence helps me find a life.

I know the skills of controlling my feelings. I don’t escape from the condition. I face my feelings, analysis them, and work through my negative feelings.  I am more skilled in responding to my feelings when I get influenced negatively.

I wake up my conscience and build universal love. I learn that all of us have challenging situations that create sufferings in us.  We are humans and we should care about each other. Helping others is also helping me. It is like paving a road, and then you can walk smoothly. Only when you help others, and you spread this spirit, then you can receive others’ help when you are in trouble. Nobody is lucky all his life.

Finally, I start to think now. Even though I don’t figure out until now; life is complex as it is. Maybe the life’s meaning is the process to find the answer itself. I am on my way.

Shui’s and Lee’s descriptions characterize the three key elements of Six Seconds’ approach to utilizing emotional intelligence in life and leadership:

• Increased self-awareness, with recognition that we all have feelings, and that these affect our choices.
• Increased self-management, including using emotions as a source of important information.
• Increased self-direction, articulating a larger vision and increased commitment to create positive impact.

 

Given the success of the program, WAFW is continuing this effort.  Six Seconds has extended the grant to the World Academy for Future Women to provide assessments and support for their 2011-2012 program.

For more information about The World Academy for the Future of Women, see www.globalinteractions.org.  Angie Wong is a volunteer facilitator, and a member of the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Network.  She lives in both Hong Kong and the US, and her mission is to support women leaders in Asia, for more information, see: www.6seconds.org/profile/awong

Six Seconds is a global organization supporting people to create positive change and increase people-performance.  Founded as not-for-profit corporation in the US in 1997, the organization is now led by offices in 10 countries.  Six Seconds’ change agents work to improve leadership, collaboration, and effectiveness in every sector.  The organization gives a limited number of grants to educational and community programs to provide powerful emotional intelligence assessment and development tools to support positive change.  Visit www.6seconds.org for more.

Six Seconds has organized many different conferences, ranging from intimate programs for 20 change leaders, to the international NexusEQ events with all the world-famous names and 600 participants from forty countries.

In a few weeks in California, then in November in Singapore, and March in Dubai, we have our annual Living EQ Conferences.  I loved hosting the big NexusEQ conferences, and I am sure we’ll do more of them.  But in many ways, the intimate Living EQ events are far more powerful.

My experience is that good conferences conferences are interesting.  They engage your head.  Experts speak about their books, their research, their models, and participants gain new ideas.

Excellent conferences engage the heart as well.  There is a sense of connectedness, of meaning.  NexusEQ events have been like this, and we’ve often heard, “this is the best conference I’ve ever attended” because of the richness of the experience, head + heart.

But what would happen if we took a step further to engage head + heart + hands?  If the conference is not just “ideas,” not just “connection,” but also application?  The goal of the Living EQ series is to show how emotional intelligence comes to life in various sectors.  So participants actually experience the way experts inside a huge multinational engage managers in this work, or how a school principal enrolls his faculty make EQ a priority, or how a parent has used EQ create peace in a family.

Why does it matter today?

I suspect we are passing through the “information age” to a new frontier.  Now we have too much information.  What do we do with all of this data?  How do we decide what’s relevant and significant?  We need to build wisdom — the judicious blending of intelligence and action to produce meaningful results.

This is the goal of Six Seconds’ approach to transformational learning. A process of engaging head + heart + hands.  Of equipping people with rigorous insight, compassionate connection, and powerful tools to create positive change.

Oct. 6 and 7, Menlo Park, CA  For more information, go to: http://www.6seconds.org/events/

Bleary from travel, en route to Mumbai I wandered into the lounge in Frankfurt yesterday, and couldn’t find a table.  “You can share this table,” a guy offered.  Around my age, he had the casual rumpledness of someone who spends at least as much time in airports as I do.  We chatted in the usual way of fellow jet lagged travelers, desultorily passing a few minutes, looking for signs of life and connectedness as we hurl ourselves around the globe.  It’s a strange fellowship of strangers passing anonymously.  I’ve come to appreciate these glimpses into many different lives.

He works for United auditing maintenance programs.  We got talking about how the airlines industry is incredibly effective with safety.  “We have checklists for everything.  Pilots don’t take off or land without going through a checklist, same with all our processes.”

I mentioned that it seems like they’ve managed to build a culture of safety, unlike many other professions (such as healthcare and politics), in aviation the norm is to deal openly with mistakes.  I couldn’t quite summon the brain power to ask the question that’s really important here:  It’s not just checklists, its the attitude of the people using the checklists.  It’s not just procedure, there is meaning behind it.  How do you keep that alive?

All too often, organizations miss this.  They develop a code, a five step acronym, a “way” that focuses on enforcing certain behaviors.  These rarely have any meaning beyond the few people who give the speeches and make the posters promoting the idea, because they’re just checklists.  Steps to follow, not expressions of a deeper meaning.

Soon he packed up to get to his next flight.  Paused and turned back:  “Hey – thanks for flying with us.”  I smiled and said something vague, and he took a small step closer:  “Without you, I wouldn’t have a purpose.”

Could be cheesy, right?  I’m sure I’ve read that phrase in an inflight magazine, and dismissed it as platitude.  I’m just one of a million passengers, my choice of airlines has no real consequence on anyone’s job.  And, as you’ve read in other posts I’ve written about this, I believe purpose is something we each can choose to pursue without regard to a particular customer, or even a particular job.  Purpose is something we bring and create, not something we receive.

Yet in this moment, there was something more, this was not just an exchange of words. We were two guys who, in a very real sense, appreciated each other for the role we play in one another’s lives — albeit never having met, and still not knowing even one another’s names.  I felt a sense of connection and value.  It wasn’t a “big emotional experience,” yet there was heart in it; this moment of connection was much more than ticking off the last item on the checklist.

In our corporate work, we often talk about “engagement” and the drivers of an engaged workforce (committed, present, proactive).  I was thinking about how parents sometimes are “under-engaged” (passive) and other times we are over-engaged (enmeshed).  It’s a very challenging balance, and perhaps it’s at the heart of being an emotionally intelligent parent.

First, to clarify what I mean, I made this little graphic:

Some essential questions:

Where are you, and where is your partner/coparent if any?

When you lean too far over to one side or another… which side?  Why?  What needs of your own are pushing you there?

What’s in the middle?  What’s it like for you, your child(ren), and other family members when you are in the middle?

What would it take for you to hang out in the middle more often?

 

The the moment, I’m just left of center.   Patty probably leans a little toward to the right.

When I’m out of balance here, usually it’s leaning toward disconnection.  I find the chaos of family life sometimes overwhelming, and my pattern is to withdraw – to here, on my computer.  I tell myself I have important work to do, but often it’s just escaping to a quiet place where I can be “in charge” (ha).

In the middle I feel more alive as a parent.  I’m able to step back and watch my kids growing, treasuring that, without feeling that their mistakes are somehow “my fault” … and without feeling any need to take ownership of their successes.  In the middle, I can set up boundaries and guard rails, and let them have immense freedom within those parameters.  I can be more proactive and less reactive.  I think they find it more challenging, but in a positive way.

For me to be in the middle more often, I think I need to let go of “doing something” and focus more on “being someone” — I tell myself that I need to have a plan or activity to engage, but that’s probably a way of avoiding the feeling of chaos.  The truth is, a certain level of chaos is actually fine if I remind myself that this isn’t going to “spin out of control” because I can monitor for that and take charge if needed.

Your turn!

According to David J. S. Winfield, the former Executive Director of International Centre for Leadership in Finance (ICLIF), “Malaysian CEOs are no different from global CEOs in terms of leadership ability … But on closer examination, emotional intelligence and coaching are the lowest in Malaysia.”

Six Seconds Malaysia supports the growth of the Malaysian economy by delivering best-in-class Emotional Intelligence (EQ) solutions to help advance the people-side of performance in organizations and communities. Powered by an experienced team of professionals with invaluable support from its extensive global network, Six Seconds Malaysia aims to be the leading provider of cutting-edge EQ solutions and educational resources in Malaysia.

The Six Seconds Malaysia team is led by Country Director, FC Law, who has over 20 years of extensive sales and marketing experience. He specializes in strengthening sales and service cultures through powerful EQ-anchored programs. FC is assisted by Sally Goh (Research & Curriculum), Christine Doyle (Communications), Julie Lai (Administration), and Bernie Lee and Hendry Cheah (Client Services).

Six Seconds Malaysia offers Six Seconds scientifically-validated EQ performance tools, transformational workshops and people-centered consultancy throughout the country. In keeping with the global mission of Six Seconds in spreading positive change and impacting communities, Six Seconds Malaysia will also support the growth of social emotional learning among stakeholders in local education.

 

For more information about Six Seconds, please visit the global site at www.6seconds.org – Six Seconds Malaysia will be online in the regional site at www.6seconds-sea.com

What does it mean to feel, and what does it happen?  Today, most people see emotions as “good” or “bad” — which leaves us in a constant state of internal struggle against our own feelings.  Is there another option?  And how did we come to this point?

Imagine the “archetypal” child and parent; let’s take a boy, about eight years old.  His parent is busy dealing with 3.3 million tasks and chores, it’s been a long day and everyone’s on thin ice.  The child is going about the business of childhood and something happens – almost irrelevant what it is, perhaps his Wii stops working and, unsurprisingly, he gets upset — it’s been a long day for him too.  Let’s suppose he’s highly upset, unreasonably upset, and acts that out: he slams something down, he kicks something, he shouts, and overwhelmed by this rush of feelings (and afraid of his parent’s reaction) he starts to cry.

What is the parent’s typical reaction?

Perhaps asking a question, perhaps comforting, but more likely dismissing:  “Stop crying honey, it’s not that big a deal.”  “You shouldn’t get so angry.”  Or even the absolute dad-classic:  “Knock it off or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

What did the child just learn about these feelings?

What have you learned about these kinds of feelings – feelings like anger, fear, hurt, or jealousy?

Around the world, people have told me much the same thing:  Those are “negative” feelings.  Even “bad” feelings.  We find them uncomfortable, overwhelming, scary, out-of-control (and now we’re having “bad feelings” about our “bad feelings”).

So, the natural, reasonable, response to something bad?  Control it.  Push it away.  Cover it over.  Squish it.  Or at the very least, hide it.  Maybe after some therapy, “manage” it.

What about embracing it? 

Increasingly we’re happy to do that with “positive” emotions — the current fad is that if we’re not flooding our families, schools, and offices with bliss then perhaps we’re just mean (because “happiness” is seen as ideal).  But even this attitude is fraught with judgment; we’re limiting the motivating power of feelings to a select few.  We’re deciding that some emotions are good… which requires that others are bad.

In the last 14 years of teaching about emotions as a driver for positive change, I’ve come to consider that this vilification of our own emotion is the single biggest obstacle to emotional intelligence.

So I’d like to propose a different way of thinking about emotions. First, let’s explore an intriguing model from a scientist named Robert Plutchik.

Plutchik studied the way animals experience, express, and respond to emotions.  He saw, following in Darwin’s tradition, that there is an adaptive purpose to emotion.  Feelings help animals survive by alerting them to threats and opportunities, and by providing a universal, cross-species communication mechanism.  If you’ve ever heard the angry snarl of a wolf, or been enchanted by a puppy’s playful grin, you’ll understand this viscerally.

Plutchik proposed a model of eight basic emotions that each has a physiological response.  He said that each of these could be more or less intense, and they could combine.  They are portrayed as opposites because they provoke opposite physiological responses:

 There are many different ways of defining emotions, but researchers in this “adaptive” tradition tend to see that these basic physiological responses each serves a different survival need and (a) focuses our attention to a threat or opportunity, and (b) motivates a response.

Anger, for example, is a signal that our pathway is blocked.  We want to be promoted, we perceive someone is interfering with that, we are angry at the person.  The anger serves to focus our attention on the threat and motivates a response of fighting or pushing through the obstacle.

Here is a chart of the eight basic emotions and a likely description of the focus and motivation provided:

We can use this table to “decode” our emotional experiences. It shows us that emotions serve a purpose, that there is value in all feelings.  But it’s still easy to say that some are “negative” because they’re tied to problems or threats.

We can try to remove the judgment and call some of these “pleasant” or “unpleasant,” but that doesn’t quite work:  Sometimes when I think my son is defying me, it feels very pleasant to express my anger.  When my dad died, it felt right (not exactly pleasant, but good-hard) to feel sad.

Another approach is to characterize them as “contracting” versus “expanding.”  Feelings tied to problems narrow our attention and cause use to zero-in on the issues, to slow us down, to restrict our risks.  At the other end, some feelings energize us to look outward, to become more open, and to take risks.  Of all the “polar” characterizations this is my preference because it’s genuinely non-judgmental.  However, I’d like to go a step further.

In Buddhism, and many other faith traditions, there is a notion of “non-duality.”  Rather than good and bad as opposites, they can be seen as one, a whole with balancing sides.  This is visually represented in the yin-yang symbol.  In that graphic, the universe (a circle) is half and half… but not actually divided.  The black and white are interlocked – they are one circle with two aspects.

Could we take a non-dualistic view of emotion?

Rather than characterizing feelings as opposites (good/bad, pleasant/unpleasant, contracting/expanding), is there a way to see them as a linked whole?  Often people in my work describe emotions on a continuum – a spectrum from one extreme to another, taking an emotion and it’s opposite as ends of the number line.  This has some merit because we’re starting to link them as part of a whole, but it’s still dualistic:  There are positive and negative integers on the number line.

Let’s go back to the definition of anger:  You feel angry when you want to go someplace, but your way is blocked.

So anger arises from that sense of an obstacle. What, then, could we call that feeling of “wanting to go someplace”?  Perhaps anticipation?  Or maybe commitment is a more powerful version of that word?

In that case, we could say that there is actually no such thing as anger without commitment: If you don’t want to go anywhere, you won’t get angry!  In other words, they are not two separate things:  Anger only exists in contrast, in balance, in context of commitment.

How about fear?  Fear is a message of potential threat – a signal that something you care about is at risk… so if you don’t care, you won’t feel fear.  In other words, fear and caring (aka love) are also a non-duality.

Sorrow arises when you are losing someone or something that matters – a meaningful relationship, a significant person.  But when we feel that sense of meaning and significance, we experience it as joy.

Finally, disgust is a signal of violation.  It means rules are broken, agreements at risk, the systems and structures of relationship are in peril.  Yet if we did not feel trust in those very same things, if they did not signal a sense of safety and balance, then we wouldn’t care if they were imperiled.

At this point, I’m fairly content with a hypothesis of these constructs – not as opposites, but as wholes.  The dark and the light of the candle.  Yet I find them a little awkward because I don’t have a name for them.

I’ve been thinking about this problem for several years, and recently I heard an idea that I’d like to consider.  I was privileged to be on a panel with Dan Shapiro, a professor at Harvard Law & Medical Schools, and the co-author of Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate.  The conference was on emotional and spiritual intelligence in negotiation at Harvard Law School.

In describing the challenge of first identifying – and then actually dealing with emotions in the complex dance of negotiation, Dan’s succinct summary:  “It’s really tough!”  So his proposal is to notice emotion, but to go to a deeper question:  What’s the basic need driving the emotion?  Since there are a relatively small number of basic needs, perhaps five, it may be easier to handle this set.  If we can attend to these five basic needs, Shapiro’s compelling case is that it’s far more likely that a true negotiation will arise.

Typically when talking about basic needs, the premise is that a whole range of emotions will surface in response to a need being met or not met.  In Nonviolent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg and colleagues have done wonderful work illustrating these dynamics.  Hearing Shapiro use basic needs as a way of explaining the emotional dynamics of negotiation, I wondered if we could look at the “emotional non-dualities” through this lens:

Anger-Commitment is tied to wanting to move, a need to achieve. It’s pretty easy to see that this emotion-pair arises in conjunction with a basic need that could be called accomplishment.

When we feel Disgust-Trust, it means the social contract that produces order is vulnerable (this contact can be within ourselves, and when we violate our own precepts we feel disgust turned inward).  While fear also signals risk, it’s not usually tied to the contract but to the human implication. And it’s trust that signals safety; so perhaps the specific surety of trust balances with a specific peril of disgust, in which case this construct is tied to the basic need of safety.

While the Fear-Love dynamic can arise a connection with an inanimate object (fear of losing a home), I suspect it’s most deeply rooted in a desire to nourish others, to be in a balance or harmony.  To be connected. This could be called the need for belonging.

Again, the Sorrow-Joy dynamic seems to arise in a range of situations, but I’ve been thinking about the biology of joy.  Joy is produced by opiates that are absorbed in many parts of the brain, but especially in the frontal cortex, the seat of evaluation.  This is an intriguing pairing because it implies that somehow when we truly understand, we’ll  get the reward of inner bliss.  We could call that pursuit of meaning the need for purpose.

 

 

 

It’s likely that in our day-to-day lives, there are more basic needs than these, and certainly many, many “wants.”  The needs and wants are tied to a big range of feelings.  But perhaps if we can distill down to a simple level, the complexity of our feelings becomes easier to understand – and to manage.  While I’m uncertain if these labels are wholly adequate, there are three key messages that I hope you’ll take away:

1. Emotions are signals that serve a function.  They should not be “blindly obeyed,” but nor should they be ignored.

2. There is an innate connection between needs and emotions.  In trying to make sense of your own or another’s feelings, consider that they might be signals about a core need.

3. Although feelings can be uncomfortable and overwhelming, resist the urge to judge them – and to judge yourself and others for having them.  Instead, consider that each feeling is part of a larger story, a story of what’s truly most important.

 

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Thank you to Ayman Sawaf for sharing Lazarus’ work and explaining that emotions come in pairs, to David Caruso for teaching me about the adaptive value of feelings, and to Dan Shapiro for the thinking about needs.

If you’re in Europe, please take this survey to help us understand who is interested in EQ in various European countries.  We’ll randomly select one respondent to receive a free EQ assessment w 1:1 debrief via skype, plus we’ll share a report w all who respond.  This is part of our ongoing efforts to understand who is in our network and how better to serve you to spread the power of emotional intelligence for positive change.

English: http://eq.org/lime/index.php?sid=44492&lang=en

German: http://eq.org/lime/index.php?sid=36369&lang=de

PLEASE share this with others in your network — a sample invite is below.

——– Sample Invite to EQ EU Survey ——-

Hello ______,

How aware are you of the concept of “emotional intelligence” or “EQ”?  EQ is the capacity we all need to understand and use emotions effectively.  It turns out that people with these skills have more personal and professional success… and companies that focus on EQ development attract and retain talent better — and make more money. Since EQ skills can be measured scientifically, and they can be learned, there is rapidly growing interest in many parts of the world.

English: http://eq.org/lime/index.php?sid=44492&lang=en

German: http://eq.org/lime/index.php?sid=36369&lang=de

Life is full of these moments of transition, of uncertainty and discovery.  People coming and going, growing up, moving away, coming back… waves on the sand, life seems to be continuously in flux, and you just can’t hold it still.

Yesterday I delivered Emma to her first sleep-away summer camp; she’ll be there for three weeks. Today my brother flies off to start his cardiology fellowship at Duke for several years, and Patty is driving Max to his first camp as well.  Not momentous events on a global scale — but for us, a Big Deal, and tomorrow feels lonely.

Yesterday Emma was overflowing with this amazing blend of completely excited and terrified.  As we got closer to the camp she was gripping my arm so tightly I thought I’d have bruises.  Interlochen is like Hogwarts for artsy kids, and as we drove into the camp past all the theatres and stages, she was trembling in excitement.  Once she met the other almost-all-first-time girls in her cabin, and her very sweet counselors, the terror dropped away and I was quickly not-so-needed.

I feel this incredible pride and honor in witnessing her strides, and a loss.  It reminded me of when I was a teacher, the first time my students were graduating and I just couldn’t stop tears flowing — one of the other teachers said, “You should be happy, this is what we’ve been working toward…” and I was happy, but happy and sad are not so far apart as all that.

Seeing all these kids so excited, so passionate, so scared, so vital, I was also filled with a larger nostalgia. So much LIFE all around, so much potential, so much discovery — new friends, the bliss of full immersion into weeks of learning.  Walking through camp, the air was textured with dozens of different musics from the rehearsal cabins, and everywhere were children in their new uniforms looking like plants about to burst into flower.  And I wasn’t going to be part of this adventure.

I am deeply happy for Emma to be part of this, and so proud that she’s such an accomplished and awake person, and I know that I am part of the adventure through her.  Nonetheless I had this sense of loss.  Or maybe more accurately, of questioning.  All these feelings stirring around, perhaps I could boil them down to this: Am I living my life, or simply passing through it?

I suspect the emotional turmoil of all of life’s transitions center on questions like this.  We have feelings to signal us, a big feeling means, “Pay Attention! Something important is happening…”  So walking along the shores of Lake Michigan after dinner, I found myself considering the last decade, and a few before that.  And the next ones.

In almost every way, it’s hard for me to imagine a better life than what I’m living now.  Yet I feel this strange paradox of the near-perfection of the moment, mixed with a sense of insecurity — of joy somehow slipping away into the past as I hesitantly step into an unknown future.  Can it possibly be better, or is it downhill from here? I’m not sure how to reconcile this.  How do I stay in love with the present, knowing it’s already gone?

It’s not so much a question of these three weeks.  Yes, today was long.  But tomorrow is back to a full schedule, and I know these days will fly by for us, and even faster for the kids.  So I think my feeling is more about the changing orbit of the stars of our family constellation.  Around a decade ago, I used that metaphor to describe how the children had transformed my life, not by doing anything, but simply by exerting an almost gravitational force of change.  Now, with a momentarily empty nest, I’m seeing how temporary these years are.  It’s not just “they’ll go to college;” it’s more immediate.  They won’t be 10 & 12 much longer.  In a minute they’ll both be teenagers.  The pace seems to be accelerating and the trajectory seems less clear.

It reminds me of this TV ad that I adore — an amazing reminder of the fragility and grace of love.  Take a look:

For me, the “seat belt” they’re advocating isn’t simply literal.  There are many safety belts we can fashion in ourselves and between one another.  Some are attractive illusions of safety, but others are enduring.  They’re not certain, and they don’t stop the accidents, but they shelter what’s most important.

In relationships, some of those safety belts are honest expressions of love, the risk to share, and being present with one another.  Perhaps choosing to embrace life, despite the fleeting race of time, is one of the most powerful.  I suppose saying goodbye to your baby girl at her first camp — with both a smile and a tear — is another.

In an 18-month project to equip leaders with new insights and tools for the people-side of change, this initiative created a 43% increase in participants’ readiness to cope with the complexities of organizational transformation.

Background:

The US military continues to undergo significant change to address the changing global context. Just as many companies face the need to become more adaptable and transformational, the armed services are engaged in similar rethinking and restructuring.  For example, for hundreds of years sailors have served on a particular ship; now sailors will move between ships as needed – creating a complex and dynamic workplace team in a high-challenge, high-risk, high-stakes context. Section IX of the National Security Strategy of the United States mandates transforming America’s military to meet the challenges and opportunities of the twenty-first century.

The US Navy Chaplain Corps serves the US Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard.  One of the Corps critical responsibilities is to advise commanders and assist them in managing the readiness and wellbeing of the warriors and sailors in these services.  In this role, the Chaplains and their enlisted aides (“RPs”) are heavily involved in the human side of the changes.

Under the direction of Rear Admiral Robert Burt, the Chief of Chaplains from 2006-2010, the Corps undertook a series of initiatives to better equip the Corps for understanding and managing the human and emotional dynamics of change.  In a letter introducing the 3-day program outlined below, Chaplain Burt explained the goals:

“As the Sea Services revolutionize to meet tomorrow’s national security challenges and the Global War on Terror, every aspect of how we employ our forces, fight wars, plan program resources, build and modernize the fleet, and manage personnel is being re-examined.  This year’s Professional Development Training Course, “Ministry Tools for Times of Change,” will equip you to leverage the ministry opportunities presented by periods of significant transformation.

Understanding change and its effect on individuals as well as the institution is critical for mission readiness and ministry effectiveness.  To do so, it is vital that we are able to recognize the mode important elements for success in a rapidly changing environment.”

 

Implementation:

Six Seconds was invited to deliver a two-day workshop for senior commanders on emotional intelligence and change. David Tubley, a Chaplain in the Corps, had previously attended the Six Seconds EQ Certification and Advanced Certification programs; he was assigned to serve as a partner in the customizing the course content to the needs of the military culture and worked with Six Seconds throughout the implementation.

The two-day “Inside Path to Change” workshop was delivered to a group of senior Navy and Marine Corps officers and RPs, including officers from the Navy Education Training Command.  Following this initial pilot, Six Seconds was commissioned to:

1. Develop a customized 1-day introductory version of The Inside Path to Change focusing on the theory of EQ and change.
2. Deliver a Train-the-Trainer program to 20 officers with experience in training
3. Support the officers to deliver the 1-day program to approximately 1000 Chaplains, RPs, and staff.
4. Customize a 3-day followup program called “Ministry Tools for Times of Change” focusing on tools for increasing awareness and managing human dynamics of change.
5. Deliver the Ministry Tools for Times of Change in fleet concentration areas the US and world.

Program Design

The core concepts of the programs are captured in this introduction to the 1-day Inside Path to Change program:

Among the many opportunities and challenges these changes present, it is important for chaplains to become even more effective at…

• Managing their own changes so change remains an opportunity for ministry versus a “derailer” taking them away from their official role and purpose.
• Counseling individuals to cope in a rapidly changing environment.
• Advising leadership to effectively bring teams through change.
• Assisting the larger organization in a process of continuous improvement – that helps it fulfill its purpose while remaining values-based and ethical.

There are many competencies required for these activities.  Strategic thinking, analysis, relationship-building, and project management are required.  In addition, there is a fundamentally human component of change operating at an emotional level.

While essential for organizational success, change is always challenging.  Although most approaches to change recognize that these challenges are both strategic and emotional, the usual premise is that with a sound strategy people will fall into line.  This passing regard to the people who must execute the change leads most change efforts to fail.  In contrast, Six Seconds’ approach is based on understanding the human and emotional drivers of change and engaging those to assist in forming and executing effective strategy.

Emotional intelligence provides powerful insights and tools for engaging people in accomplishing critical goals.  Emotional intelligence (or “EQ”) is the capacity to effectively use emotions, and it’s a key-differentiating factor of successful leaders.

Six Seconds’ approach integrates the leading thinking on change. These theories are distilled into a practical action-learning model called the “EQ Change MAP” that helps leaders guide and sustain change.  The focus is on skillfully managing the emotions that either cause people to resist or embrace change.  The process helps managers develop a commitment to shared vision of a better organization, implement new initiatives while managing resistance, and then build clarity and alignment in a continuous improvement process.

The EQ Change MAP guides the change process through three stages:

Engage (develop clarity and buy-in). “Engage” is about getting ready – gathering ideas, resources, strategies, and emotional buy-in.

Activate (implement change strategies). “Activate” is about baby-step implementation – pilot projects and small wins.

Reflect (refine strategy and learn). “Reflect” is about refining – re-assessing and improving the plans so that the next iteration builds on the previous.

The EQ Change MAP is depicted below:

 

A key take-away from these programs is that emotions are a valuable part of change.  So-called “negative” emotions can give us insight and push us for change.  What are often called “positive” emotions can fuel change and sustain the change process.

The EQ Change Map is a “Ready-Fire-Aim” model focused on continuous improvement.  Like the Navy’s concept of an “80% solution,” the goal of the Change Map is to create buy in, take useful action, and then refine to build ongoing momentum for continuous improvement.

For more explanation of the Change MAP, see the book, INSIDE CHANGE (www.insidechange.net).

 

Implementation

Following Six Seconds’ learning design philosophy, these concepts were distilled into practical tools presented in an experiential process.  Both the 1-day and 3-day program used a blend of hands-on exercises, case studies, video-clips, and in-depth discussions to bring the concepts to life.  The 3-day program concluded with a “Capstone” exercise where small groups developed an implementation plan with was presented before a panel of subject matter experts.

The Inside Path to Change pilot and the Train-the-Trainer program utilized the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment as prework to provide specific, individual feedback about emotional intelligence.

The 1-day Inside Path to Change began with an orientation to current theories of change and the issues raised by various change theories, particularly the challenge of gaining buy-in and building momentum.  The program then introduced the EQ Change Map as a practical way to address those issues.  In the Map, above, there are three red arrows shown:  These represent essential emotional transitions required to create forward-moving change.  Because transitions are fraught with emotion, an effective change leader needs to have insight and skill in this domain:  In other words, they need emotional intelligence (EQ).  The program went on to focus on how the competencies in the Six Seconds EQ Model can become assets for change leaders.

The 3-day “Ministry Tools for Times of Change” built upon the orientation program going more deeply into the concepts and providing specific tools for increasing emotional awareness and management.  Program topics included the drivers and obstacles to emotional change, building trust, supporting others in change, and clarifying purpose.  Tools from Six Seconds’ methodology included “The Reaction Roadmap” (a process for understanding the neuroscience of emotional reactions, and options for moving out of reaction); “The Six Seconds Pause” (another look at the neuroscience of reactions); “Trust Traps” (a process for understanding trust as an emotional response and the drivers of trust); “Emotional Algebra” (an approach to integrating feelings into effective decision-making); and “Finding North” (a process for linking change to purpose).

 

Results:

The initial pilot was met with significant acclaim.  One participant, Dr. Albert Hill, wrote:

“As I see it, training is expensive, good training is valuable and your training was priceless. I’ve attended a lot of training over the years — I’ve delivered a fair share of it myself — but your ‘Inside Path to Change’ workshop was the most productive combination of captivating content, quality materials and engaging instructors I have experienced in a long, long time. Six Seconds had the whole package wired. I wish everybody in my organization could have been there.”

One year after the conclusion of the full program, the Director of Non-Resident Training, Commander David Gibson, sent an email to all officers who were participants inviting them to complete a survey for Six Seconds about the course.  There were 49 respondents (roughly 10% of the officers who attended the program).  The survey asked them to rate the importance of the subject matter, and their self-evaluation before and after the program in three areas:

1. Awareness of the emotional dynamics of change: 39% increase.
2. Processes and tools for working through these dynamics: 43% increase.
3. Tools for teaching about emotional intelligence: 58% increase.

 

The survey also asked participants for narrative comments about their experience and the results of the program (and for permission to quote their responses). As a result of program, are you doing anything differently as a Chaplain? If so, what kinds of different or better results are you getting?

“Yes, I am not a naturally willing subject for change.  However, the program added a great deal to my understanding of why I oppose it so much, and how to make it easier to deal with.  That helps me deal with those who struggle with change as well.  Change has become much less stressful for me and for the people around me.  Our office went through major change in 2007 and this was really helpful for us.” – William Holiman

“I am definitely more aware of the emotions I am experiencing as well as my peers and subordinates with change. Seeing much better results in mentoring them to adjust as they process the reasons, motivation, rationale for the change by the organization.” – Craig Muehler

“I am better able to assist others by identifying what is at the root of the response, and thereby allow them to have some control over the response that is better informed by their ‘noble goal.’” – Brian Stamm

“Yes, taking more time and being more reflective when discussing a emotionally charged issue, along the lines of the 6-second pause. The emotional temperature is lowered, insight increases, and we are able to work together toward a workable solution.”  – Michael Pumphrey

When asked about the importance of becoming more effective at change, 59% of the respondents rated it between highly and extremely important.  As individuals, change is challenging.  Multiplying that challenge by tens of thousands in a large organization, it takes strong insight and exceptional skill to make change successful.  The Six Seconds program provided a strong measure of each equipping these leaders to become more effective at this mission-critical process of transformation.  As a result, the chaplains became more effective change agents who could understand and manage the “red lines” of the Change MAP, the human dynamics that drive the success of change.

♣

Joshua Freedman, COO of Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Network (www.6seconds.org), is one of the world’s leading experts on applying emotional intelligence to improve performance. Freedman was one of the designers and master trainers for the program, along with Chaplain David Tubley, Tom Wojick, Mimi Frenette, and Marek Helstrom.  Six Seconds is grateful to Richard “Doc” Smith and the learning and development team at General Dynamics who helped manage the contracting of the Ministry Tools for Times of Change, and to Jonathan Frusti and Dr. Cash who helped initiate the project at the Corps’ schoolhouse.

 

Wading upstream through cars and hawkers, past shops glowing with ornate 24 karat bling, we decided to take a risk on an unassuming little restaurant.  Our table was just off the sidewalk, open to the Kuala Lumpur night in Little India.  After amazing dosas and delicious Indian treats, for the first time, I tried chai masala tea and I fell in love with its spicy creamy warmth.

Years ago my brother told me how great it is and tried to get me to try it;  I rejected it without even a taste.  I “knew,” beyond a shred of doubt, that it was bad.  I’d never tried it, heck, I didn’t even know what it was!  But I was certain and a bit superior in my confidence, and I had that sense of digging my heels into the ground, ready to battle to be right. Yet in the steamy evening air of KL, it was so easy to try something new.  Why?  

Why was I so happy being certain… and then why was I completely open to the risk later?  In addition to being a bit of a self-righteous idiot, it turns out that there is an important set of neurological functions at play here.  A brain battle that has important implications both personally and organizationally.

A sophisticated brain is the human edge — they allow us to negotiate the risks of a complex world — to survive and, hopefully, thrive.  To do that, our brains need a quick way of testing: “Is everything ok?”  “Are we safe?”  One of the most basic “acid tests” our brains use is comfort:  When we’re comfortable, our brains surmise, all is good.

This is a paradox and trap, because in a rapidly changing environment, short-term comfort often has deleterious consequence.  The “comfort test” works better when life is very stable; it prevents us from falling into difficult unknows and going off the deep end.  But since innovation and growth require some risk, some departure from the comfort zone, the “comfort test” has a terrible cost.  To balance this pressure toward sameness, our brains also have the capacity to project, to imagine, to plan for the unknown — to go into new territory without having to actually having to face the dangers.

Zooming into the neurobiology, in a sense we have a tug-of-war between the striatum and the amygdala, between opportunity and risk.  The striatum is part of the basal ganglia, a “bump” at the lower-back of the brain implicated in many aspects of decision-making as well as balance and navigation.  Interestingly, this center seems to manage balance both in terms of physical motion and in terms of wisdom.  The striatum, specifically, is tied to reward, novelty, and forward planning.  When we’re looking ahead, anticipating with pleasure, and innovating the striatum is active.

However, when we’re anxious or uncertain, activity here decreases.  For example, a team of neuroeconomists at Caltech ran an experiment with decision-making; as uncertainty increased, fear centers in the brain became more active while there was decreased activities in the striatum (Ming Hsu et al 2005).  

As doubts creep in, activity in the amygdala increases and we move more into a fear/reaction/protection response automatically rejecting the novelty.  As the incisive Jonah Lehrer puts is, “This the curse of uncertainty: it makes everything feel unappealing” (2010).  Conversely, of course, we experience the blessing of certainty:  It makes everything feel better.  We “know the answer” and don’t need to deal with the doubts… very comfortable!  But we don’t learn.

Since learning is so important to human survival, we have also developed wiring to motivate learning, but this will be regulated by the comfort/risk dynamic.  Dopamine, a neuro-chemical that gives us a kind of internal reward, is often associated with pleasure-seeking.  In a fascinating meta-analysis of brain imagery studies, Roy Wise found a connection between dopamine reward and “stamp in” a useful response, which, he says, is “ essential for the control of motivated behaviour by past experience” (Wise, 2004) — aka, learning.  When we plan ahead, consider possibilities, try something and experience success, we get this lovely reward of a rush of feel-good-dopamine.

So why was it easier for me to try chai in KL?  I suspect there were two factors, each with significant implications for individual and organizational change.

One – in a situation where I was actively learning, awake, engaged, exploring, the dopamine-learning-reward pathway was already highly activated.  So my brain was telling me, “learning feels good!”

How can we activate that positive experience of learning for ourselves and others?  If we do, it will open people  to new learning.

Two – I was out of my usual context, so it was normal to be uncertain, but I was not so far out of my comfort zone as to shift over to protection.

How can we get ourselves and others out of our usual context, into a situation different-but-positive enough that new perspectives create curiosity rather than righteous ego-protection?  If we do, it becomes less important to be certain because we’re on an adventure.

Do you see ways of strengthening these two conditions in your life, in your classroom, workplace team, or organization?  If innovation, growth, and learning are key for you to reach your goals, then ensure these two drivers are central to your planning and I suspect you’ll find the process faster and more efficient — not to mention a whole lot more fun.

At a personal level, I see this dynamic recurring in many places.  I am “sure” and happy in my rightness, and I use that excuse to evade.  Perhaps the most destructive version is that I spent decades evading exercise because I was sure that it wasn’t good.  Now that I’ve given it a shot, I’ve come to discover that all those people who said, “once you get into it, you’ll love it,” were right.  Yet even now, I feel this resistance to admitting that I was completely wrong.  It’s like being “wrong” is very bad, very dangerous — subconsciously “wrong” means I’m not trying hard enough, it means I’m not worthy of recognition.  Yet I am absolutely certain that uncertainty, balancing in a place of risk, being willing to stay in discomfort, is the most powerful step toward real growth.

 

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©2011 Joshua Freedman

Brain image source