Author: Joshua Freedman

Smarter About Feelings: Part Three
(download a pdf version)

Part One introduced the importance of emotional intelligence, and Part Two focused on understanding emotions and patterns (our typical reactions).  Now Part Three of this series explores how we can make a choice to respond rather than reacting.

My kids, Emma and Max, have had the same argument about 7 million times.  It goes about like this:

1. They’re playing and having a great time.
2. Max starts getting a little bored or rebellious so Emma tries to control the game to make it more fun.  He feels a bit squished by this, and acts out a little more.
3. Emma doesn’t like the way he’s messing around, and so she gets fiercer about the rules… and he gets more rebellious.
4. They explode, and eventually end up in time out.

Around step 2, it’s obvious (to me and their mom) that they are headed toward the explosion.  The momentum builds up and they both get more and more reactive.  The tension builds.  Like a train going faster, their fight gets going stronger and stronger. The longer it continues, it becomes harder and harder for them to “get off the train.”

I call this kind of situation a Trouble Train — it comes from following patterns that lead to a bigger mess.  The “trouble” could be time out or other consequence, or a fight, or even something more serious like stealing or hurting people or breaking something.  The “trouble” could also happen inside someone, like a deep sadness or volcano of anger turned against yourself.  Some Trouble Trains lead to hurt and sorrow, some lead to conflict, some lead to loneliness.  Some Trouble Trains are worse, they could lead to violence, or danger, or jail, or being kicked off a team.  While we can learn from these experiences, it would certainly be more pleasant to get off the train before it arrives at these destinations.

Have you ever found yourself in the middle a situation and you know it will to turn into a big mess?  You can feel it slipping out of control… and yet you keep going.  It’s as if you’re being pushed along this track; you know it’s going to lead to trouble, but it seems like there’s no choice.

What’s it like for you when that happens?  What is the trouble to which it leads you?

 

Or have you noticed that you often have the same kind of challenges over and over?  Maybe you have an argument with your brother or sister or friend… and you can see that same fight happens a lot?

 

When you’re in those situations, you are on the Trouble Train.

 

You can tell it’s a Trouble Train when:

1. You’ve been on this pathway before – your patterns of reacting are part of the fuel.
2. The situation will result in a consequence that you don’t want.

 

 

Next Stop: Trouble

Recently Emma and Max were on their usual Trouble Train, and I stopped them and asked:  “Do you notice you’re on a Trouble Train?”  “NO,” growled Emma fiercely trying to get back to her argument.  She was so focused on being right and “winning” the argument, she wasn’t noticing her reaction.

I can relate to this.  When I’m on the Trouble Train, I find it difficult to get off.  There seems to be a part of me that WANTS to keep the fight going.  For example, sometimes I have an argument with my wife and while I know it’s not making life better, I find myself saying just one more point.  Or sometimes I feel hurt and I want to hurt her back.  I’ve noticed the longer I am on the train, the harder it is to stop.  The energy builds up and up, and my feelings get more and more complicated.

So, an obvious solution is to stop the train fast.  When the reaction is just getting started the situation is not so intense.

Remember in the article “Decoding Emotions” where I wrote about patterns?  For example, maybe my pattern is:  When I feel hurt, I want to hurt the other person.  That one is a “Trouble Train” pattern for me, because when I follow the pattern I definitely get a consequence that I dislike.

When we know our patterns, it’s easier to notice and solve the problem BEFORE the train gets going fast.

Sometimes I feel a little hurt, then start getting a little argumentative.  The other person says something a bit harsher, and I say something back that’s a little mean.  They come back with something even meaner, and I want to hit them, but instead I say something really hurtful.  Pretty soon we’re both hurt and angry, and it’s really hard to work out the problem.

 

In those times, I probably am ignoring my own feelings.  I feel a little hurt, but I don’t pay attention to that important message, and so I push ahead.  Fortunately, I’ve learned that I have this pattern and I’ve come to recognize that it’s a Trouble Train.  So now, sometimes, when I notice myself feeling a little hurt and wanting a little revenge, I can say, “Hey!  This is NOT the train I want to take…”

If I notice when I feel just a tiny bit hurt, I can choose a different train.  I could solve the problem pretty easily by having a calm conversation, such as:

“When you said ____, I felt hurt.  Did you mean to hurt my feelings?  Maybe we can take a break and talk about this in a friendly way in a few minutes?”

Remember, just like real trains, Trouble Trains get going faster as you ride them longer.  So:  The sooner I can notice that I’m on a Trouble Train, the easier it will be to get off!

How about you?

Is it hard for you to notice yourself on a Trouble Train?

What feelings “push” you onto a Trouble Train?

What feelings make the train go even faster?

If you could avoid getting on your Trouble Train, how would that help you?

Good news!  By carefully noticing your feelings when they’re small, you can discover a wonderful secret::  You do not have to get on the Trouble Train.

However, even if you do get on, there’s still hope.  You can stop the train before you reach real trouble.

 

–

–

Next Stop: Choice

Ideally, you notice your feelings and patterns before the train even gets going, but sometimes we all get on the train.  There’s some good news:

You don’t have to stay on the Trouble Train!

The first step is to notice you’re on that train again.  Then, once you notice you’re on a Trouble Train, what can you do?

As I said, part of you might want to keep it going, but part of you might want to get off. Just KNOWING that you have a choice is a powerful tool.  There’s a skill called Exercising Optimism that helps this.  If you are feeling helpless and hopeless, you might not believe that you have any choice.  In those times, it’s useful to remember that many times in the past you have been in difficult situations and found your way through.   Also, since nothing lasts forever, this situation will change too.  Maybe you can’t fix everything, but what is SOMETHING you can do?  What is one small step you could take?

It can also be extra complicated in a situation with other people.  Maybe you want to stop the train, but they are still pushing it forward.  Sometimes when you try to make them stop, the situation seems to get worse, so instead of trying to stop the whole thing, just get yourself off.  When you take responsibility for your own choices, that can make it much easier for others to do the same.

One tool for getting off the train is called the Six Second Pause.  The purpose is to slow down your reaction and let the emotional energy relax a moment.  It works because the chemicals of emotion inside our brains and bodies only last about six seconds.  Normally when we have strong feelings, we keep producing more and more of the feeling molecules.  But if we can stop for a short moment, the flood of chemicals slows down.  The trick with a Six Second Pause is to refocus your brain by shifting attention from the emotional part (the “limbic brain”) to the analytical part of your brain (called the “Cortex”).  Your Cortex loves to put ideas in order, break ideas apart, and to use symbols like math or language.  So, invite your Cortex to the party by doing things it likes, such as:

Solve six math problems.

Remember six words in a foreign language.

Put six favorite songs in alphabetical order.

List six TV characters.

…

 

Another key to stopping the train is the fact that you have multiple emotions.  I wrote about this in the previous chapter.  Maybe you feel sad and worried and mad and those feelings are big – they’re taking center stage right in the spotlight.  At the very same time, maybe you feel caring and committed, but those feelings are hiding in the background.  Bring them into the light!  Don’t let a few of your feelings run the show, invite the others to join.

For example, maybe you are sad about a friend leaving town.  Do you have any other feelings?  How about happy to have such a good friend?  Worried about if you’re going to stay close?  Excited about when you’ll see them again?

Simply recognizing that you have these other feelings can begin to change your emotions.  You can intensify the more constructive or useful feelings by naming them, and remembering why you have those feelings.  You can intensify any feeling by focusing on it.

Try this!  See if you can change your feelings just by focusing on them.

Think of situation where you were annoyed.  Remember the annoying details and see if you can feel more annoyed.

Now, this of something funny, and focus on that.  See if you can feel more of that silly feeling.

How about sad?  Worried?  Curious?  Happy?

See?  You can change your feelings!

 

–

–

Less Fuel

In an old-fashioned steam train, when you shovel more coal into the fire, the train runs faster.  What thoughts, feelings, and actions fuel your Trouble Train?  You can slow the train by adding opposite thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Here are other techniques for reducing the intensity of the fire:

Heart Breathing: Breathe slowly in counting six full seconds, then breathe out completely over another slow six second count.  As you are breathing, focus your attention on your heart, and imagine your heart slowing to a calm beat.

Glow:  Imagine yourself filling up with cool, beautiful light.  Imagine the light flowing out your fingers.

Warm Layers of Feelings: You might be irritated or hurt or impatient AND underneath that you might have other feelings that are warm and gentle.  Notice those gentle feelings and focus on them to make them stronger.

Cotton Candy:  Imagine your feelings are like wisps of energy around your body.  Imagine scooping up the wisps like they are cotton candy and squeezing them into a yummy treat you can enjoy.

Shrinking:  Name your feelings and give them a score from 0 (not present) to 10 (overwhelmingly strong).  Imagine these feelings as a ball – imagine the shape, size, and color (e.g., maybe you’re angry and scared, it’s an 8 in intensity, and you imagine a spiky black and red ball as big as a house).  Breathe slowly in and out, and each time you breathe out, imagine your breath cooling the ball causing it to get a little smaller and lighter in color.  Imagine this for 30 seconds.  Now how intense are the feelings?

 

–

–

Staying Off

One of the best ways to solve the Trouble Train problem is to stay off in the first place!  There are always disappointments, differences of opinion, and challenges that could put you on the train, but there are other ways of responding.

If you know your usual Trouble Train (or Trains!!) then it will be easier to avoid them.  Maybe you can find a different train that goes someplace more fun?

For example, suppose you have a pattern “When I feel bored, I act annoying to get attention,” and this leads you to a Trouble Train.  The moment you begin to feel a little bored, consider:  Is there another train I could choose to take?  Not because someone else is “making me,” but because I want to?

Could I connect with someone?  Amuse myself?  Learn something new?  Do some exercise?  Read?  Draw?  Write?

What might happen next?

 

cartoon used with permission from lillyarts.com

 

.::.

©2011 Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds (www.6seconds.org). All Rights Reserved.  Illustrations by Logoxid.

Thank you to Emma and Max for being patient about my sharing their “Trouble Train” challenges and for their ideas in the “less fuel” section.

.::.

Bringing emotional intelligence tools and skills into the leadership team assisted the Sheraton Studio City to rapidly and successfully transform into a top-performing property with #1 Sheraton ratings and a 24% increase in market share.

Background

In December, 2002, a new General Manager was taking over the Sheraton Studio City Hotel to increase profitability in the 302 room / 592 bed property.  Changes in the Orlando tourist market and numerous management changes over the previous years created a unique set of challenges.  Guest satisfaction scores were not at an acceptable level, sales were off, morale was low, and departments were not working together smoothly.  In the General Manager’s view, “We struggled to focus on the necessary changes, but territorial struggles and low morale seemed intractable.  We had difficulty even framing many of the issues.” The new General Manager, Grant Bannen, and his HR Director, Catherine Melnyk, invited a proposal from Six Seconds to assist with the turnaround.

 

Intervention

The Organizational Vital Signs climate assessment was used to pinpoint issues from an employee perspective — we delivered the survey over a 2-day period and presented results on the third day. The management team agreed to take action to improve three “hotspots” on the survey:  Collaboration (Teamwork), Trust, and Motivation.

Over the next 10 months, an expert from Six Seconds met with the management team for a total of 18 hours. The front desk team received similar training, and four other groups of line staff each had two 2-hour trainings. Each meeting focused on raising awareness and skills in one of the three “hotspot” areas.

Among other topics, the teams were taught an introduction to emotional intelligence, the Six Second Pause to manage reactions, Conditions of Satisfaction to increase accountability, a model for intrinsic motivation, and Emotional Awareness for improving employee and guest interactions.  The sessions emphasized the importance and value of emotions both for interfacing as a team, with employees, and with guests.  A consistent theme of the trainings was “Quality Comes from the Inside” under the premise that our internal state of affairs ultimately translates to how we deal with customers.  Using Six Seconds learning design, the majority of the trainings focused on experiential learning leading to meaningful dialogue and reflection.

Several of the leaders received one-to-one coaching ranging from two to twelve hours.  While the scope of the project did not include performance assessment, leaders were coached to have clear expectations of how managers and employees should treat one another, and that it might be necessary to replace managers who were not meeting expectations.  The General Manager replaced three managers, and the HR department conducted additional training on standards.  The management team increased on-the-job training and made extensive efforts to raise quality standards and expectations of employees.

 

Results

The organizational climate showed significant improvement in the Organizational Vital Signs survey and in qualitative review by the managers.  Among the improvements were:

The climate was noticed by guests.  Guest comment cards reflected three major themes — warmth, genuineness, and attention, with many comments coming in about the staff being proactive in meeting guest needs.  A few actual comments from the hundreds of examples from this final months of this initiative:

“Everyone’s so friendly and genuine!”

“The welcome was warm and would be difficult to improve.”

“The best thing is the attention from the staff.”

 

The climate improvement also correlated with significant bottom-line metrics.

In addition, the property was Sheraton’s number one rated vacation property in October and December of 2003 in all “staff friendliness” measures, with a 9.2 (out of 10) rating in December ‘03.  Overall satisfaction rated by guests at the hotel (ie., non email responses) was the hotel’s highest ever at 8.76 (exceeding Sheraton targets by 4%).

 

Conclusion

The significant improvements in the climate and the resulting business improvements are due to outstanding work on the part of the hotel’s executive team.  Mr. Bannen is a leader that people like to follow, he is driven by a commitment to superior service, and he formed a team that shares this passion.  So certainly the hotel would have improved over the year without the additional consulting.  In his words, though, “We might have been able to do it ourselves, but it certainly would not have happened as quickly and effectively if we hadn’t had the support of Joshua Freedman and the Six Seconds’ team.”

Mr. Bannen credited the process for increasing the focus and clarity of his team’s efforts: “The process helped uncover the underlying issues which hindered our performance. In many cases we were unaware of these issues, and each session with Six Seconds helped us move toward resolution and boost the positive momentum.  While it’s not a totally causal relationship, I think it is more than coincidental that our actual market share was 119.8% of our fair share in the last quarter.”

---

This case was first published by Six Seconds 3/15/04 and was updated 6/9/11

One of the great pleasures of my work is meeting amazing people from all over the world, individuals deeply committed to making a positive difference in the world, and willing to do the work to change from within. Sometimes I get the sense that the world is going in a bad direction, but then I reconnect with “ordinary” extraordinary people who are full of wisdom and heart. Here are two compelling videos from our recent EQ Advanced Trainer Certification; we’re calling these “Noble Goal Talks” because of the blend of head+heart+hands:

In January, 2009, Flight 1549 crash-landed on the Hudson River in New York — Ric Elias was in the front row.  This is a compelling 5-min TED Talk about what went through his head once he realized the plane was going to crash.  It will be no surprise that these moments were about what really matters — and it turns out that what really matters are the important relationships in our lives.  Yet most of us, most days, focus elsewhere… we put our energy into the “small stuff” and so often let these important relationships sit on the back burner.  Ric says he’s made some significant changes in his life after this realization.

Do we need to wait to be on a crashing plane to make this shift?

Smarter About Feelings: Part Three
(download a pdf version)

Part One introduced the importance of emotional intelligence, and Part Two focused on understanding emotions and patterns (our typical reactions).  Now Part Three of this series explores how we can make a choice to respond rather than reacting.

My kids, Emma and Max, have had the same argument about 7 million times.  It goes about like this:

1. They’re playing and having a great time.
2. Max starts getting a little bored or rebellious so Emma tries to control the game to make it more fun.  He feels a bit squished by this, and acts out a little more.
3. Emma doesn’t like the way he’s messing around, and so she gets fiercer about the rules… and he gets more rebellious.
4. They explode, and eventually end up in time out.

Around step 2, it’s obvious (to me and their mom) that they are headed toward the explosion.  The momentum builds up and they both get more and more reactive.  The tension builds.  Like a train going faster, their fight gets going stronger and stronger. The longer it continues, it becomes harder and harder for them to “get off the train.”

I call this kind of situation a Trouble Train — it comes from following patterns that lead to a bigger mess.  The “trouble” could be time out or other consequence, or a fight, or even something more serious like stealing or hurting people or breaking something.  The “trouble” could also happen inside someone, like a deep sadness or volcano of anger turned against yourself.  Some Trouble Trains lead to hurt and sorrow, some lead to conflict, some lead to loneliness.  Some Trouble Trains are worse, they could lead to violence, or danger, or jail, or being kicked off a team.  While we can learn from these experiences, it would certainly be more pleasant to get off the train before it arrives at these destinations.

Have you ever found yourself in the middle a situation and you know it will to turn into a big mess?  You can feel it slipping out of control… and yet you keep going.  It’s as if you’re being pushed along this track; you know it’s going to lead to trouble, but it seems like there’s no choice.

What’s it like for you when that happens?  What is the trouble to which it leads you?

 

Or have you noticed that you often have the same kind of challenges over and over?  Maybe you have an argument with your brother or sister or friend… and you can see that same fight happens a lot?

 

When you’re in those situations, you are on the Trouble Train.

 

You can tell it’s a Trouble Train when:

1. You’ve been on this pathway before – your patterns of reacting are part of the fuel.
2. The situation will result in a consequence that you don’t want.

 

 

Next Stop: Trouble

Recently Emma and Max were on their usual Trouble Train, and I stopped them and asked:  “Do you notice you’re on a Trouble Train?”  “NO,” growled Emma fiercely trying to get back to her argument.  She was so focused on being right and “winning” the argument, she wasn’t noticing her reaction.

I can relate to this.  When I’m on the Trouble Train, I find it difficult to get off.  There seems to be a part of me that WANTS to keep the fight going.  For example, sometimes I have an argument with my wife and while I know it’s not making life better, I find myself saying just one more point.  Or sometimes I feel hurt and I want to hurt her back.  I’ve noticed the longer I am on the train, the harder it is to stop.  The energy builds up and up, and my feelings get more and more complicated.

So, an obvious solution is to stop the train fast.  When the reaction is just getting started the situation is not so intense.

Remember in the article “Decoding Emotions” where I wrote about patterns?  For example, maybe my pattern is:  When I feel hurt, I want to hurt the other person.  That one is a “Trouble Train” pattern for me, because when I follow the pattern I definitely get a consequence that I dislike.

When we know our patterns, it’s easier to notice and solve the problem BEFORE the train gets going fast.

Sometimes I feel a little hurt, then start getting a little argumentative.  The other person says something a bit harsher, and I say something back that’s a little mean.  They come back with something even meaner, and I want to hit them, but instead I say something really hurtful.  Pretty soon we’re both hurt and angry, and it’s really hard to work out the problem.

 

In those times, I probably am ignoring my own feelings.  I feel a little hurt, but I don’t pay attention to that important message, and so I push ahead.  Fortunately, I’ve learned that I have this pattern and I’ve come to recognize that it’s a Trouble Train.  So now, sometimes, when I notice myself feeling a little hurt and wanting a little revenge, I can say, “Hey!  This is NOT the train I want to take…”

If I notice when I feel just a tiny bit hurt, I can choose a different train.  I could solve the problem pretty easily by having a calm conversation, such as:

“When you said ____, I felt hurt.  Did you mean to hurt my feelings?  Maybe we can take a break and talk about this in a friendly way in a few minutes?”

Remember, just like real trains, Trouble Trains get going faster as you ride them longer.  So:  The sooner I can notice that I’m on a Trouble Train, the easier it will be to get off!

How about you?

Is it hard for you to notice yourself on a Trouble Train?

What feelings “push” you onto a Trouble Train?

What feelings make the train go even faster?

If you could avoid getting on your Trouble Train, how would that help you?

Good news!  By carefully noticing your feelings when they’re small, you can discover a wonderful secret::  You do not have to get on the Trouble Train.

However, even if you do get on, there’s still hope.  You can stop the train before you reach real trouble.

 

–

–

Next Stop: Choice

Ideally, you notice your feelings and patterns before the train even gets going, but sometimes we all get on the train.  There’s some good news:

You don’t have to stay on the Trouble Train!

The first step is to notice you’re on that train again.  Then, once you notice you’re on a Trouble Train, what can you do?

As I said, part of you might want to keep it going, but part of you might want to get off. Just KNOWING that you have a choice is a powerful tool.  There’s a skill called Exercising Optimism that helps this.  If you are feeling helpless and hopeless, you might not believe that you have any choice.  In those times, it’s useful to remember that many times in the past you have been in difficult situations and found your way through.   Also, since nothing lasts forever, this situation will change too.  Maybe you can’t fix everything, but what is SOMETHING you can do?  What is one small step you could take?

It can also be extra complicated in a situation with other people.  Maybe you want to stop the train, but they are still pushing it forward.  Sometimes when you try to make them stop, the situation seems to get worse, so instead of trying to stop the whole thing, just get yourself off.  When you take responsibility for your own choices, that can make it much easier for others to do the same.

One tool for getting off the train is called the Six Second Pause.  The purpose is to slow down your reaction and let the emotional energy relax a moment.  It works because the chemicals of emotion inside our brains and bodies only last about six seconds.  Normally when we have strong feelings, we keep producing more and more of the feeling molecules.  But if we can stop for a short moment, the flood of chemicals slows down.  The trick with a Six Second Pause is to refocus your brain by shifting attention from the emotional part (the “limbic brain”) to the analytical part of your brain (called the “Cortex”).  Your Cortex loves to put ideas in order, break ideas apart, and to use symbols like math or language.  So, invite your Cortex to the party by doing things it likes, such as:

Solve six math problems.

Remember six words in a foreign language.

Put six favorite songs in alphabetical order.

List six TV characters.

…

 

Another key to stopping the train is the fact that you have multiple emotions.  I wrote about this in the previous chapter.  Maybe you feel sad and worried and mad and those feelings are big – they’re taking center stage right in the spotlight.  At the very same time, maybe you feel caring and committed, but those feelings are hiding in the background.  Bring them into the light!  Don’t let a few of your feelings run the show, invite the others to join.

For example, maybe you are sad about a friend leaving town.  Do you have any other feelings?  How about happy to have such a good friend?  Worried about if you’re going to stay close?  Excited about when you’ll see them again?

Simply recognizing that you have these other feelings can begin to change your emotions.  You can intensify the more constructive or useful feelings by naming them, and remembering why you have those feelings.  You can intensify any feeling by focusing on it.

Try this!  See if you can change your feelings just by focusing on them.

Think of situation where you were annoyed.  Remember the annoying details and see if you can feel more annoyed.

Now, this of something funny, and focus on that.  See if you can feel more of that silly feeling.

How about sad?  Worried?  Curious?  Happy?

See?  You can change your feelings!

 

–

–

Less Fuel

In an old-fashioned steam train, when you shovel more coal into the fire, the train runs faster.  What thoughts, feelings, and actions fuel your Trouble Train?  You can slow the train by adding opposite thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Here are other techniques for reducing the intensity of the fire:

Heart Breathing: Breathe slowly in counting six full seconds, then breathe out completely over another slow six second count.  As you are breathing, focus your attention on your heart, and imagine your heart slowing to a calm beat.

Glow:  Imagine yourself filling up with cool, beautiful light.  Imagine the light flowing out your fingers.

Warm Layers of Feelings: You might be irritated or hurt or impatient AND underneath that you might have other feelings that are warm and gentle.  Notice those gentle feelings and focus on them to make them stronger.

Cotton Candy:  Imagine your feelings are like wisps of energy around your body.  Imagine scooping up the wisps like they are cotton candy and squeezing them into a yummy treat you can enjoy.

Shrinking:  Name your feelings and give them a score from 0 (not present) to 10 (overwhelmingly strong).  Imagine these feelings as a ball – imagine the shape, size, and color (e.g., maybe you’re angry and scared, it’s an 8 in intensity, and you imagine a spiky black and red ball as big as a house).  Breathe slowly in and out, and each time you breathe out, imagine your breath cooling the ball causing it to get a little smaller and lighter in color.  Imagine this for 30 seconds.  Now how intense are the feelings?

 

–

–

Staying Off

One of the best ways to solve the Trouble Train problem is to stay off in the first place!  There are always disappointments, differences of opinion, and challenges that could put you on the train, but there are other ways of responding.

If you know your usual Trouble Train (or Trains!!) then it will be easier to avoid them.  Maybe you can find a different train that goes someplace more fun?

For example, suppose you have a pattern “When I feel bored, I act annoying to get attention,” and this leads you to a Trouble Train.  The moment you begin to feel a little bored, consider:  Is there another train I could choose to take?  Not because someone else is “making me,” but because I want to?

Could I connect with someone?  Amuse myself?  Learn something new?  Do some exercise?  Read?  Draw?  Write?

What might happen next?

 

cartoon used with permission from lillyarts.com

 

.::.

©2011 Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds (www.6seconds.org). All Rights Reserved.  Illustrations by Logoxid.

Thank you to Emma and Max for being patient about my sharing their “Trouble Train” challenges and for their ideas in the “less fuel” section.

.::.

Evenings, weekends, whatever it takes to get the job done. I resist the word “obsessed.” “Committed” sounds much better. “It is only work,” a friend quips one night as I head back to the office. Only? In so many ways my identity is my work — I am what I do.

So with passion and purpose I dive into another project. Sometimes I notice that after I finish one, there are at least two more on my “to do” list. It reminds me of that Greek hero — perhaps Hercules? — slaying the hydra; each time he cut one head off, two more grew in its place. Finally, a sad but beautiful truth dawns: I can work 24/7 every day of my life — every day of three lifetimes — and I will still not be done with my work.

It is genuinely a sad truth because I believe in my work; I know that I am making the world a better place for our children.

It is a beautiful truth because it sets me free to live the life in which I genuinely believe. A life where I am what I do — and where what I do includes work, family, friends, spirit, nature, health, etc. I have long said to myself and others that my values include balance, that family comes first, that I need time out to “sharpen the saw” (Covey) — but when “I just need to finish this project,” it is so easy to slip from living those values.

I am privileged — In addition to the joy of work that I love, I have a family that I love, hobbies, commitments, and relationships that sustain me outside of work. So all those times when have I said, “Hon, I need to work late this week to finish a project,” I have felt conflict; while I wanted to live a complete life, I also wanted to complete my work. Every time I found myself working nonstop, I recognized that I was compromising my values but justifying that based on the importance of my work.

The recognition that I will not finish all my work eliminates my best excuse for failing to live my values. Since I will not finish anyway, how can I justify leaving my wife and baby girl alone at night?

Of course there still are some deadlines which I need to meet. I might stay up late writing an article for Priorities, for example, but I do not do so in a systematic way. These late nights are now the exception, not the rule.

Another obvious — but stunning — result of realizing that I will not finish all the work is that I am forced to re-prioritize on a regular basis. If I pretend that I will get through everything on the “to do” (which is usually 3 pages long), then I can pick whatever item is easy to start. Usually those are the most fun, most visible, or most something. Once I realize that I will not get them all done, I have to pick strategically.

There is something uniquely satisfying about crossing items off the to do list when the have been done. While that’s still my favorite to-do activity, the new parts of my strategic to-do process are almost as good: I move items from “to do” over to “good ideas.” I move items from my “to do” over to other people’s. I also throw some away — which has gotten to be almost as much fun as crossing them off. It is a game I play with myself to write everything down then get rid of most of it.

The result is a “to do” list that consists of more “keystone” pieces. These are the tasks on which other people’s work will hinge. If I get a seminar scheduled, someone else can get money in the door. If I get our team to Africa, someone there can build his program. There are a couple of goals that may help you pick the keystone tasks:

1. Multiply your efforts. Will this task allow other people to pick up the ball? Though it means giving up “control,” it also means giving empowerment.

2. Multiply your outcomes. Which pieces of work can be used again in multiple ways? Can this effort become part of many projects?

3. Multiply your benefits. Which pieces have both short term and long term benefits?

4. Play to your forte. Is this something which will be far more effective, faster and easier for you to do than another person?

5. Let your team be strong. Like taking pieces that fit your forte, give away pieces that let others shine.

6. There is not enough time to do all the work.

7. There will be more.

“There will be more” is my way of holding fast to number six. Once I have such a strong to-do list, I may find it seducing me — the lure of crossing out those items is strong. Then I will be done! Except I won’t be. The other piece of “there will be more” is that sometimes I feel at loose ends, like there are not clear strategic steps to take. So at those times it is important for me to remember that there will be plenty more work for me.

Like learning any new skill, I frequently fail in my commitment to remember that there is not enough time. Each failure is an opportunity to learn the lesson more deeply — and perhaps by the time I retire I will have mastered these techniques.

Some managers hear “tell everyone to do less” and immediately leap to the conclusion that if they admit that there is not enough time to do all this work, their teams will fall apart. Running fast makes everyone look necessary. They see a highly productive work force is one that works a lot — the more hours working the more work gets done — and use “finishing” as the major motivator of their employees.

The reality is that more work is not more productive. One of my colleagues in the EQ field, Esther Orioli, once told me the number one issue that she addresses is excessive overtime. We have all seen those organizations where it is devastating to possible promotion if you leave before nine or ten o’clock — so how motivated are those employees to work efficiently? If I am going to be there ’till 10, I know I am not going to bust my chops all morning!

You can see the culture of overwork around the water cooler. Organizations where overwork is the norm, people like to complain about how late they were working. They hang out getting coffee and talk about overwork for a half an hour, then go write a couple emails about it, and then discuss it some more. After they have ensured that they will not get the day’s work done before nine, then it is safe to dig in.

Imagine if we adopted the Swedish view of work hours: People who work past closing time are considered inefficient. What would happen if you created a work culture which says, “If you can not get a day’s work in before 5, you must be having trouble prioritizing”? Obviously there is something awesome people being willing to work 80 hours per week — but we can not pretend that there are not also costs. On a personal level, what happens to an efficient worker’s productivity and motivation when she watches her colleague collect overtime as a reward for being inefficient?

In terms of motivation, I am clear that task completion is motivating for me. I hate to be so banal, but I do like crossing things off my list. I like going to staff meetings and showing everyone how many of my tasks are done. But research on motivation suggests that it is not so much the well-worn list that is affecting me. In fact, some researchers claim that the real motivating factor is a sense of belonging. So maybe walking in with my tatty list is a way of ensuring that I have a place at the table.

It is through the balance of all areas of my life that each is enriched; when I provide time to live my values, I bring my love to work and am far more powerful — and when I bring my purpose home, I am a better father. In the end, what motivates me is a sense that I am doing good and important work in the company of others doing the same. And if all I do is work, I quickly lose touch with the true importance of what I am doing. It is through my time with family, friends, nature — it is through frisbee on the beach, through a candle lit dinner, through giggling with the baby that I see that I am contributing to something truly good and important.

 

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This article first appeared on www.6seconds.org 7.1.01

Communication in the workplace is a constant challenge. The pressures to perform and the chaos of constant change often create an environment which makes a “meeting of the minds” seem like an oxymoron.

Fortunately, research on emotions and the brain has helped clarify key communication tools. Paying attention to emotional subtext will build a deeper person-to-person communication. If you learn to listen from your mission, you will leap ahead in problem solving. Finally, make sure you know “whose ‘but’ ‘should’ be on the line” to ensure that communication is a two way process, not an assertion of power.

Emotional Subtext

You know how you can coo to your dog in a really sweet, loving voice, “Oh you stupid mutt I am going to get you for chewing up the sofa again,” and he hears, “good boy, sweet boy, good boy”? I hate to admit this publicly, but I am a bit like that dog in a recurring argument with my wife. It goes like this:

“Honey, are you mad?” (I ask innocently)

“No.” (I hear some tension in her voice) “I am not mad.” (That sounds like anger to me!)

“Hmmmm,” I ponder to myself, “she sure sounds mad….” “Uh, are you not even a little mad?”

“I said I am not mad, okay?”

“Okay, I just… well, I feel like you are mad.” In hindsight, I see this is a tactical error, but I somehow go for it every time. Before long, she’ll say, “Well now I am mad, you made me mad!” In our case, I am sure some of the miscommunication comes from each of us. Most of the time when I ask if she is mad, she actually is mad — but like many people who do not like conflict, she does not want to seem mad. I make it worse by “picking” at the irritation. In the office, people often follow the same pattern, but the reactions are cloaked in politeness. I say to my colleague, “So are you okay with this proposal?” He isn’t, but doesn’t want to argue about it, and says, “Sure, it is okay.” And I hear, “Don’t be an idiot, I hate it!” I am left with mixed messages and am unsure what he really thinks and how he really feels about the proposal and about me.

It is easier to see emotional subtext by watching others that by watching ourselves. For instance, turn on a congressional debate, and notice when a representative stands and says, “I would like to disagree with my esteemed colleague from across the aisle.” We all hear just how “esteemed” the colleague is at that moment — but the speaker pretends he is being polite, and the “esteemed colleague” is often provoked to respond to the emotion under the words.

If you break a communication down into component pieces, research shows that around ten percent of the message is the words (Albert Mehrabian). Most of the message is the tone and other “paralanguage.” And while we frequently manipulate the words (i.e., lie), research says that even a 5 year old child can accurately decipher the paralanguage in less than 10 seconds.

Why does it matter? After all, in most of our daily communication, we work hard to build clarity and to be tactfully truthful. Usually the issue is more confusion than deliberate obfuscation. One source of that confusion is the reality that we usually feel more than one emotion at a time.

In the “I am not mad” fight, Patty (my wife) probably was not, in fact, mad. She was a little “irritated mad,” or some part of her was mad, or she was mad in some ways or peeved about some thing. She was not “full-blown, duke-it-out mad,” so she was not deliberately deceiving me — rather she was conflicted, and I perceived one piece of the puzzle. I focused on that piece because of some of my own feelings, so all in all we achieved a limited communication with little depth, shallow context, and muddy clarity.

To avoid this pitfall, perhaps the most essential tool is for me to be clear on what I am feeling — or more accurately the blend of emotion I am feeling — and ensure that my spoken communication does not contradict that palette of feelings. If I can not align my thoughts, feelings, and actions, I will need to postpone the discussion until I can be more completely clear.

 

Listen From Your Mission.

There is no effective communication without effective listening. Listening is the tool which turns words into communication. Right now, you could be reading this article and no matter how clever or useful these words may be, if you are thinking of something else entirely and not “listening,” the words on this page will not enter your brain. Physiologically, there is a part of your brain — the hippocampus — which determines your focus. The hippocampus is like a great receptionist in the office of your brain. It looks at the “phone” in your brain, sees three lights on, and says, “no way that brain is going to take another call – I’ll just get rid of this guy.” And like a good receptionist, the hypocampus is highly sensitive to what’s going on in the office, sees how tense people are, how busy, how concerned, and evaluates incoming traffic.

Also like great receptionists, you can not fool your hippocampus. You say, “I am ready to take the call,” but mean, “I can’t believe I’ve got to take another call now, this is totally insane, I am still…” and your hippocampus knows. The result is a partial brain shut down — a “tune out” that can also turn into depression, anxiety, withdrawal, fatigue.

It turns out that a major mechanism for getting your hippocampus to pay attention is emotion. When you actually care (or feel anything strongly, or when there is a lot of variety for your brain), the hippocampus “tunes in” and you pay more meaningful attention.

So if you want to actually listen, you have to go beyond the outward steps of “active listening” we all learned as rote procedure for dealing with conflict. You actually have to care; to commit.

You might not care about the person, you might not care about the conversation, or the issue, but you do care that your behavior helps you meet your real goals, your objectives.

In other words, we each have a personal mission — it might not be written, but each of us is pursuing certain goals — and in almost any communication you can ask yourself, “how does my communication right now help or hinder my personal mission?” If you don’t have that mission written, now is a good time: writing your personal mission is like having a compass when you are reading a map.

For many people, their personal mission includes some kind of problem solving, some kind of learning, some kind of personal accountability, some kind of making the world better. This “outer-directed” thinking makes it easier to connect with people while communicating — it gives you a context of caring. It’s a useful resource — and without it, your communication is doomed to shades of mediocrity.

Perhaps this capacity is one of the reasons that emotional intelligence is such a critical part of success. People who can bring their hearts on-line are able to listen to the message beyond the words. They are able to turn the conflict into a learning opportunity. To persevere in spite of the complexity, the messiness, the frustration.

 

Whose “But” “Should” Be On The Line?

Conversations frequently occur against a backdrop of shifting power. The concern over who gets to have the final word is as old as the perennial 3-year-olds’ cry: “You are not the boss of me!” So between “Well our data shows,” and the “In every case I’ve managed,” and “I was just speaking with…” we have a tremendous range of not-so-veiled statements that mean, “I deserve to be listened to.” “I have a place at this table.” “I am right.”

We also have learned a host of more subtle words which help grab power. The problem is that power grabbed is not usually lasting — and bludgeoning employees with our own status does little to generate collaboration and rarely moves us closer to actually solving a problem or meeting a challenge.

Two of the most pervasive power-grab words are “but,” and “should.” Personally, I learned them from my grandmother. “Josh, you are such a good, smart, creative young man, but why aren’t you a lawyer? You should be a lawyer — or a doctor.” I love my grandmother, and I forgive her, and I know that is part of a grandmother’s job. At the same time, it is not my job in daily conversation.

When I say “but,” I am actually saying, “everything before the word ‘but’ is not actually important to me.” “It is a good proposal, but…” “You’ve been a great help, but…” “I love the model, but…”

An alternative to “but” is “and.” “The report is good, and unfortunately I don’t think it is going to fly.” There is no need to totally eliminate “but” — sometimes it is exactly what you mean: “These are all valid reasons, but I am going to take the risk anyway.”

The “should” means that I have the right — even the obligation — to set your priorities for you. Often this feels like the case; you might feel perfectly entitled to set your assistant’s priorities. But (ah, hear that?), don’t then turn around and ask why he is not a self-starter, why he lacks initiative, why you always have to spell out the agenda. So far more valuable than “should” is “could with feeling.” “You could do the filing first, and that would help me.”

As an experiment, pay attention every time you say “but” or “should” and ask yourself if that is the word you really mean. Ask yourself if you are using the word to control the situation, hold onto power, and be right — or are you using it to create a shared understanding.

 

 

Remember, the goal of communication is not for you to deliver your idea. It is to build a bridge between two people and meet in the middle. When you’re there, you’ll get a better view, be more powerful, and feel better too.

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This article first appeared on 6seconds.org 2.6.2000

 

Wading upstream through cars and hawkers, past shops glowing with ornate 24 karat bling, we decided to take a risk on an unassuming little restaurant.  Our table was just off the sidewalk, open to the Kuala Lumpur night in Little India.  After amazing dosas and delicious Indian treats, for the first time, I tried chai masala tea and I fell in love with its spicy creamy warmth.

Years ago my brother told me how great it is and tried to get me to try it;  I rejected it without even a taste.  I “knew,” beyond a shred of doubt, that it was bad.  I’d never tried it, heck, I didn’t even know what it was!  But I was certain and a bit superior in my confidence, and I had that sense of digging my heels into the ground, ready to battle to be right. Yet in the steamy evening air of KL, it was so easy to try something new.  Why?  

Why was I so happy being certain… and then why was I completely open to the risk later?  In addition to being a bit of a self-righteous idiot, it turns out that there is an important set of neurological functions at play here.  A brain battle that has important implications both personally and organizationally.

A sophisticated brain is the human edge — they allow us to negotiate the risks of a complex world — to survive and, hopefully, thrive.  To do that, our brains need a quick way of testing: “Is everything ok?”  “Are we safe?”  One of the most basic “acid tests” our brains use is comfort:  When we’re comfortable, our brains surmise, all is good.

This is a paradox and trap, because in a rapidly changing environment, short-term comfort often has deleterious consequence.  The “comfort test” works better when life is very stable; it prevents us from falling into difficult unknows and going off the deep end.  But since innovation and growth require some risk, some departure from the comfort zone, the “comfort test” has a terrible cost.  To balance this pressure toward sameness, our brains also have the capacity to project, to imagine, to plan for the unknown — to go into new territory without having to actually having to face the dangers.

Zooming into the neurobiology, in a sense we have a tug-of-war between the striatum and the amygdala, between opportunity and risk.  The striatum is part of the basal ganglia, a “bump” at the lower-back of the brain implicated in many aspects of decision-making as well as balance and navigation.  Interestingly, this center seems to manage balance both in terms of physical motion and in terms of wisdom.  The striatum, specifically, is tied to reward, novelty, and forward planning.  When we’re looking ahead, anticipating with pleasure, and innovating the striatum is active.

However, when we’re anxious or uncertain, activity here decreases.  For example, a team of neuroeconomists at Caltech ran an experiment with decision-making; as uncertainty increased, fear centers in the brain became more active while there was decreased activities in the striatum (Ming Hsu et al 2005).  

As doubts creep in, activity in the amygdala increases and we move more into a fear/reaction/protection response automatically rejecting the novelty.  As the incisive Jonah Lehrer puts is, “This the curse of uncertainty: it makes everything feel unappealing” (2010).  Conversely, of course, we experience the blessing of certainty:  It makes everything feel better.  We “know the answer” and don’t need to deal with the doubts… very comfortable!  But we don’t learn.

Since learning is so important to human survival, we have also developed wiring to motivate learning, but this will be regulated by the comfort/risk dynamic.  Dopamine, a neuro-chemical that gives us a kind of internal reward, is often associated with pleasure-seeking.  In a fascinating meta-analysis of brain imagery studies, Roy Wise found a connection between dopamine reward and “stamp in” a useful response, which, he says, is “ essential for the control of motivated behaviour by past experience” (Wise, 2004) — aka, learning.  When we plan ahead, consider possibilities, try something and experience success, we get this lovely reward of a rush of feel-good-dopamine.

So why was it easier for me to try chai in KL?  I suspect there were two factors, each with significant implications for individual and organizational change.

One – in a situation where I was actively learning, awake, engaged, exploring, the dopamine-learning-reward pathway was already highly activated.  So my brain was telling me, “learning feels good!”

How can we activate that positive experience of learning for ourselves and others?  If we do, it will open people  to new learning.

Two – I was out of my usual context, so it was normal to be uncertain, but I was not so far out of my comfort zone as to shift over to protection.

How can we get ourselves and others out of our usual context, into a situation different-but-positive enough that new perspectives create curiosity rather than righteous ego-protection?  If we do, it becomes less important to be certain because we’re on an adventure.

Do you see ways of strengthening these two conditions in your life, in your classroom, workplace team, or organization?  If innovation, growth, and learning are key for you to reach your goals, then ensure these two drivers are central to your planning and I suspect you’ll find the process faster and more efficient — not to mention a whole lot more fun.

At a personal level, I see this dynamic recurring in many places.  I am “sure” and happy in my rightness, and I use that excuse to evade.  Perhaps the most destructive version is that I spent decades evading exercise because I was sure that it wasn’t good.  Now that I’ve given it a shot, I’ve come to discover that all those people who said, “once you get into it, you’ll love it,” were right.  Yet even now, I feel this resistance to admitting that I was completely wrong.  It’s like being “wrong” is very bad, very dangerous — subconsciously “wrong” means I’m not trying hard enough, it means I’m not worthy of recognition.  Yet I am absolutely certain that uncertainty, balancing in a place of risk, being willing to stay in discomfort, is the most powerful step toward real growth.

 

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©2011 Joshua Freedman

Brain image source

Can you hold someone accountable? Some people talk about accountability as a system for making sure people do what we want them to do. In other words, a way of creating obedience — the person in power shapes behavior through rewards and punishments. In this system, the “boss” sets expectations, and the “inferior” person complies. The boss “holds people accountable” by punishing those who disobey. While the inferior may follow through, they really on do it out of fear or greed — without the boss and his rewards or punishments, the action would not occur. So, the inferior only does the work when he might get caught — this is obedience, not accountability.

So what’s real accountability? Accountability means accepting responsibility for the outcome of your choices. It means taking ownership of your life — the successes and the failures. Under this definition, I can not make someone else accountable, all I can do is set a context for people to become accountable. If I take responsibility for someone else’s life, I actually take away his accountable.

If accountability means “owning my results” (another way of saying, “accepting responsibility for the outcomes of my choices”) then what’s the opposite? Non-accountability means giving up ownership, or even forcing others to take ownership of my results. It means being a victim. Think of a non-accountable person in a workplace — can you see how they evade responsibility for failures AND for successes? They’re along for the ride. So the question of accountability is simple: Do you want to ride along in your life, or drive?

If I am not choosing to be accountable, what am I choosing? If I “ride along,” am I part of the problem instead of part of the solution? Am I a “slacker?” A “taker?” A “victim?” Sometimes I am all of these. Sometimes I choose to take a break from the hard work of actually leading my life. Ironically I’m most likely to do that at home — in the place I care most about modeling my best self. One reason it’s easy for me to be less accountable at home is that my wife is so strong, capable, and nurturing. I know she’ll forgive me, and I take advantage of that by doing less than my best. It’s awfully seductive sometimes to stay in that passive, non-accountable role.

When I was teaching, it was a constant struggle to increase accountability for some students. Some kids consistently failed to do their best work, and I told them I was not satisfied with that performance. At the same time, I know that sometimes I read student homework thoroughly, and sometimes I barely looked at it. The result was that I was creating a context of inconsistent accountability — not only was I modeling poorly, I was making the choice to leave “wiggle room” or ambiguity. I can see now that if I wanted my students to be more accountable, I had to be more accountable.

In my work with managers, teachers, and parents, I see this dynamic over and over. We want people to behave a certain way, and we confuse obedience and accountability. Real accountability takes a great deal of effort, so we attempt to mandate it, and the results are mediocre. When it’s something people “should do,” those who don’t like accountability dig in their heels and resist — the more it’s a “have to,” the more they resist! On the other hand, if the resistors can see that accountable people have more inner power, learning, joy, and fulfillment, perhaps they’ll be more likely to join?

If we want better results, we become doubly accountable. We find the loopholes and “wiggle room” we’re leaving, and do the hard work to close those gaps. Then we do the even harder work of following through on every single promise that we make. Against that backdrop, others’ lack of accountability becomes vivid and uncomfortable, and they develop an inner motivation to grow.

Wiggle room is the gray area we leave when we don’t say what we really mean because we are not committed to total clarity. In my own interactions, I leave wiggle room for a variety of reasons. If I take out the wiggle room — and use accountable communication — I have to make stronger commitments. There are some significant costs to getting to that level of clarity:

• Clarity takes time: In the rush of day-to-day life, who has time to slow down and be specific?
• Clarity might mean more work: For example, perhaps Patty, my wife, is asking me to help get ready for a party. I suspect she wants a lot of work from me, so I evade a specific commitment — I don’t say exactly what I will do, by when; instead I work a bit then hide for awhile. In consultant-speak, I have not committed to specific deliverables.
• Clarity can mean loss of face: If I make a specific commitment and don’t follow through, it will be evident that I failed.
• Seeking clarity can imply a lack of trust: When you ask questions about “what exactly am I committing to?” and “What if it doesn’t go as planned?” people begin to call you “lawyer-ish.” They might even say, “It will just work out, don’t you trust me?”
• Asking for specific commitment appears aggressive: Especially for people conditioned to “be nice,” it can be extremely uncomfortable to push someone to make a clear commitment.
• An ambiguous agreement might lead to a “better deal”: If we pin one another down to specifics, there’s no way I am going to get more that I’ve asked for, but if it’s open, I could be pleasantly surprised.

Given all these problems with creating accountability, why would I do it? Just reading my own list I’m feeling threatened by the apparent conflict in this accountable communication! First, it’s important to see that many of those potential negatives are simply assumptions. For all I know, the other person could welcome accountable communication as a breath of fresh air! The certain negatives of non-accountability should have more weight than the potential negatives of my assumptions. More importantly, by practicing accountable communication I will empower myself and empower others.

So, assuming you see that the benefits outweigh the costs, here are four “checkpoints” to watch in creating accountable communication:

1. Am I hiding? (Don’t miss the chance!)
2. Am I hedging? (Don’t “try”!)
3. Am I “making it ok“? (Don’t “rescue”!)
4. Am I supporting learning? (Don’t over-simplify!)

“Am I hiding?” is a reminder to push yourself and others to identify the specific details of the commitment — often called “rules of engagement,” “deliverables,” or “conditions of satisfaction.” In practice, this might sound like, “I am not 100% clear on what you want me to agree to — let’s talk through the specifics.” Or, “Let me repeat back what I hear you asking.” The words you use are not so important as your intention to be clear. Sometimes people will be rude or tactless in the name of clarity, “I’m just being direct,” they’ll say to themselves. Most often, this kind of behavior is just another way of hiding. Some people hide from clarity through shyness, some people hide through roughness, neither works. True clarity is vivid and calm — like a cool wind on a hot day, like a silver bell ringing in the gloaming, like a child’s kiss on your cheek. When you experience it, you know. If you choose to stop hiding, you will experience clarity more often.

“Am I hedging?” asks you to either make a commitment or not — there is not middle ground to clear commitment. If you are not ready to commit, say, “Right now, my answer is no,” or “I will think about it,” or “I’d like to discuss this again in 24 hours.” Most people say, “I’ll try,” when they mean, “No, but I don’t want to let you down,” or “This is a low priority for me.” If you say, “I’ll try,” it leaves wiggle room a mile wide. If you intend to leave wiggle room, then saying, “I’ll try” is effective. You just have to be careful because it’s totally ambiguous; you might mean, “I’m going to commit in a moment,” or you might mean, “Not in a hundred years!” — how are other people going to know? They’ll make assumptions about what you mean by, “try,” you’ll make assumptions about what they heard, and you will have a muddle.

“Am I “making it ok”?” If you are “making it ok” when someone fails in their commitment, you are reducing accountability. If that’s what you intend to do, perhaps because you know they’re just learning, or having a difficult time, then “making it ok” is fine. Otherwise, tell them you are not satisfied and you ask for redress. When they give an excuse, you empathically listen and kindly, firmly negotiate a new agreement. This is a foreign language to many people, it seems uncomfortable and “not nice” to confront someone with their failure to follow through. On the other hand, is it “nice,” to let someone break their word to you and then lie about your real feelings about that? Discomfort is not bad! Discomfort and remorse are important teachers, and when you take those away from people because you don’t like “making them uncomfortable,” you take away their learning. At the same time, remember that people don’t learn under threat — so you have to carefully watch how much you push people. The balance is the point of the last checkpoint.

“Am I supporting learning?” is an essential reminder about the real purpose of accountability — growing. And forgiveness is an essential nutrient for growth. Every moment, we each have the chance to practice our skills and get better — the goal is to be conscious and intentional, not to be perfect. I make mistakes, you make mistakes, and others do to. Life is complicated, events occur that we could not predict, and caring people shift their priorities to meet the changing landscape. Sometimes you consciously need to leave wiggle room so people can save face, sometimes you conscious break one of the other three rules. The point is to do this intentionally rather than habitually. You can choose to be clear and accountable as well as flexible, generous, and caring! Just keep practicing.

If you support your own learning, and support others to keep learning, you will automatically increase this deep, meaningful inner accountability. Instead of motivating by punishment, motivate by curiosity. Motivate yourself and others by inspiring commitment to something worth learning, worth learning to do with 100% of your capacity and greatness. This kind of accountability will increase joy, commitment, fun, personal power, and it’s infectious! As you practice internal accountability and clear communication, you become an inspiration to others to do the same, and together you create the best possible results.

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Joshua Freedman is a leading expert on using emotional intelligence to improve performance.  He is the COO of Six Seconds, The Emotional Intelligence Network, and author of At the Heart of Leadership and INSIDE CHANGE. This model of accountability is inspired by the late Mike Blondell and by Action Technologies.

©2003, Joshua Freedman – All Rights Reserved – www.6seconds.org