Does unconditional love mean you accept people fully — without wanting them to be better?  As a parent, does it mean you don’t push your kids to do better?  As a spouse, does it mean you don’t encourage your partner to grow?  As a manager, does it mean you accept ho-hum performance?

Recently I noticed myself thinking harsh, judgmental words about my son and his (lack of) homework. Lazy.  Lame.  Idiotic.  Mostly I avoided saying these out loud, but there were a few, “Don’t be so ___” phrases coming out.

This is absolutely not how I want him to see himself, and not how I want to think and feel about him.  I want him to know he’s loved no matter what, and that I value and respect him for who he is.  I want him to do his best, but at the same time, to know he is a great person even when he messes up.

Perhaps this is partly due to my own self-perception of inadequacy.  There’s this little voice in my head saying, “You’re not living up to your potential.”  I grew up hearing this often.  And another, “If you did better, you’d deserve love and respect” — no one ever said this one to me… yet somehow I heard it.  For most of my life I’ve felt inadequate, and that I need to prove myself.

On the one hand, this is motivating.  At times, it’s pushed me to push myself.  On the other, it’s told me to give up on what’s too hard, to take shortcuts, and that real happiness lives outside of myself.  I certainly don’t want to pass that on.

Yet, I do have high expectations – I want my son to work harder and do better. And, I want him to know he’s loved and perfect.  Can those two coexist?  When I asked Max (who’s now 11) about this, he said that if I didn’t push, I’d be like one of those parents who made excuses and acted like their kid was perfect even when they behaved badly.

I can see many of my clients and friends struggling with this too — especially with people who are “selected” (unlike our kids who arrive as a kind of “mystery package”).  We want our husbands and wives to be more supportive, we want our friends to be just a bit more (or less) relaxed, we want our employees to be a lot more committed… yet we’ve chosen these people and made a commitment.  Do we make that commitment based on an expectation that they’ll change to be what we REALLY want, or based on who they are?

What if we turn it around.  How do I want my kids, my wife, my boss, to see me?  How can they motivate me to grow and do better?  If they see me as not good enough, will it help me be better — or will I shut down?  If I feel real support and acceptance, will I be more motivated to do better – or will I be complacent?

I suspect that this distinction between acceptance/love and expectation is profoundly important for healthy relationships.  I certainly know that I’m a lot more motivated to be and do my best when I know that the people around me are on MY side — that they’re supporting me for what I want, not for their expectations.  So perhaps it comes down to letting go of the external expectation, and instead supporting each person in our lives to reach their own goals?

Could that work?  How would it feel?  How do we start?

A few days ago I was listening to my favorite carol, and I found myself imagining the families of the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary, and what it might be like for them to hear these words.

Silent night! Holy night!
All is calm all is bright

But where is the brightness and calm today?  We seem to be immersed in strife and discord.  Our “leaders” spent billions of dollars this year defaming one another, dodging accountability, passing the buck.  In America certainly, but all over the world.  In politics it’s absolutely clear, but the same is happening in every sector of society.  We’re getting better and better at blame.

And me too.

As I’ve read articles and reflections and facebook posts and petitions of people trying to make sense of Sandy Hook, there is one common theme.  Some people say it’s the fault of our education system.  Others say that we have poor legislation and inadequate enforcement.  Some even say it’s God’s punishment for not allowing prayer in school.  Some are talking about the shooter’s parents, some about our mental health system.   A few are even looking more deeply at our cultural context of disconnection.

The common theme is blame.  Just as I did, decrying the lack of principled leadership in our world today.  Looking at the neuroscience, it feels better to blame.  When we blame, we know the answer, and that feeling of righteous wrath is actually a dopamine reward that our brain emits when we “know.”  While this is part of our basic neurology, we also other circuits that allow alternatives.

The problem, of course, is that while it’s comfortable to be on our high horses blaming others, nothing changes.   I, for one, am ready for change.  Perhaps the “good” from this brutal tragedy is that many of us are now saying we want to change.  Change, of course, requires doing something differently.  It’s not comfortable.  In fact it’s scary.  By definition, it means entering the unknown.

So what’s the alternative to blame?  Perhaps we can start with the opposite:  Ownership.  Where is my responsibility for Sandy Hook?  And, even more, for the strife that seems so common today?

Taking ownership is not about blaming myself either. It’s not useful to self-flagellate nor to imagine myself as more powerful than I actually am.  Rather, I’d like to look at the violence in my own heart.

If I’m a “leadership expert,” how am I leading myself?  When do I let myself slide into a cycle of blame and move toward hatred?  When am I violent – perhaps not with my fists, but with my thoughts and words and feelings?

Many years ago I was looking at the research on escalation, stress, and conflict, and I saw that generally we conceptualize “reaction” in a linear process of state-> trigger -> interpretation -> reaction: 

We’re having a rough day, someone provokes us, we decide they’re a jerk and we yell.

This is useful – if we can notice there are antecedents to the reaction, and there is a moment of evaluation, and a reaction, we’re well on our way to changing the outcome.  I was not satisfied with this kind of linear model, though, because in my experience reactions spiral.  We don’t start with tabla rasa, and we don’t go back to a neutral state after the reaction.  We spin.

So I put the three stages into a cycle, shown in this graphic.  My experience is that seeing this map of our reactions can help us notice the process unfolding, and then step off this “un-merry”-go-round.

Here’s a video where I explain the cycle – it’s from our interactive TV channel for managers, ManagementNetworks:

Brining this back to the violence in our own hearts, it’s essential to realize that in each of these three stages of reaction, we have a choice.

In the Set-up phase, we need to notice:  I’m getting out of balance.  There are signals such as tension in our throats, shoulders, faces.  Uncomfortable sleep.  Lethargy or excitability.  Scattered thoughts.  We need to notice these signals and attend to them before we go further into reaction.  Research has validated many tools to make this shift, such as appreciative inquiry, meditation, HeartMath, exercise, prayer, or even time in the sunlight.

The Interpretation phase is very short, but it’s essential.  We interpret the stimuli based on our current cognitive and emotional state – so our Set-Up changes our interpretation.  We have patterns of interpretation, and we’re good at fooling ourselves and making the situation fit our pattern; we might generalize, leap to conclusions, rush up the ladder of inference, or exclude data that doesn’t match our assumptions.  With practice we can train ourselves to notice our own interpretations of thought-feeling-action and slow this process down to be more careful.

In the Escalation phase, we have yet another choice.  We can glory in the righteous wrath and justify our own inner violence by telling ourselves we’re warriors of good.  At the other extreme, we can revel in self-blame and even self-harm, directing our frustration and fear and pain inward.  Or, we can recognize that our reactions are just reactions, and decide to step off the cycle.  This takes an incredibly simple, incredibly powerful six second pause to integrate thinking and feeling and choose.  One effective method is to ask ourselves powerful questions.

Of course just knowing what’s happening is not enough.  In Spring we plant, in Fall we harvest, but in between there is a lot of work, painstaking follow-through required.  Attending to the “weeds” and nourishing the soil, we can cultivate the garden of our own hearts and grow peace instead of violence.

Imagine what would happen if we each did so?  What if a million of us made this a year of peace within ourselves?  Then imagine listening to Silent Night a year from now:

Round yon virgin mother and child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace!
Sleep in heavenly peace!

My family and I are back in Japan “on the way home” from our 10 weeks in Asia; almost 2 months ago we visited Kiyomizudera, the temple of pure water, in Kyoto — and there’s a scene that keeps playing in my mind.  

We went early in the morning, and the grounds were echoing with peacefulness… until a group of Japanese schoolchildren came bounding down the path.  Patty, Emma (now 13), Max (11) and I were enjoying the spring for which the temple is named, water cascading from the deep in the mountain.  Ancient stones watch over the scene, moss creeping into the deeply carved kanji prayers.   The kids were slightly rambunctious as they came around the corner, but it was actually the teachers who were most shrilly breaking the morning’s peace.  They kept shouting for the kids to line up and then get into the right spot for a photo.  

This is, perhaps, an archetypal story of contemporary Japan; clearly, for the teachers, the appearance of the experience was the point.  Been there, got the photo, done that.  But that’s not what’s kept this in my mind for the last month.  It isn’t these particular teachers, but all of us:

Are we more interested in the appearance of the thing, or the thing itself?

For example…

• Do we want our employees to look busy, or to actually accomplish?
• Do we want our children to appear to do as they’re told, or to have inner motivation?
• Do we want to purchase the appearance of beauty, or revel in the beauty that only comes from within?
• Do we want people to act like they respect us, or to earn respect?

I remember, way back, when I was a teacher.  After years in a military-like academy, a boy came to our school.  ”How come you let the kids call you by your first names here, it’s not respectful?”  He told me that in his old school, children called the teachers “sir” or “mam.”  I asked, “Did you actually respect all those teachers, or did you just say ‘sir’ because you didn’t want to get in trouble?”

There is a seduction of the surface.  It’s easy to see.  It’s easy to put in a photo.  It’s easy to say, “We’re doing it right.”  It’s just plain easier.  As stress levels rise and we are too busy even to be busy, we skim.  The surface is faster.  Depth takes reflection.  It takes ambiguity and curiosity and the effort of turning the wheel firmly enough to leap out of the deeply worn ruts in the roads of our minds.

I’ve written before about the challenge of focusing not just on behavior, but on the drivers.  In our contemporary lives, there are a conspiracy of pressures that make it very challenging to do so.

I wanted to ask the Japanese teachers, “why are you bringing the kids here?”  Not with any hostility, but because I’m curious if they’ve even thought about it.  Are they doing this because “that’s what you do,” or because they have a particular goal?  Then, we could consider, “is this way of doing the activity optimally contributing to your goal?”

Since my Japanse isn’t nearly good enough (and the teachers were much too busy getting the kids to the next temple), I’ve been asking myself these questions.   

Am I staying on the surface because it’s comfortable and efficient and I’m too busy to live my own life?  Or am I really engaging in each day? 

Am I going through my days because “that’s what you do”?  Or am choosing the moments intentionally? 

All too often in these last two months, I’ve been efficiently skimming the surface.  I’d love to tell you that I’ve figured out how to be awake every day… but maybe it’s a gradual process.  Like dawn sunlight gradually reaching in the window to wake us up, growth unfolds.  For now I’d like to ask myself these questions, and at least notice when I’m not noticing.

This week in Laos, we received a wonderful gift.  My family and I were on our writing retreat, and Max was working on a video about a place called “House of Dreams.” They have six Lao village children who’ve come to live and study in the city, because otherwise there is no secondary education available – and no options for the future.  The House of Dreams invited us to a special ceremony to thank us for helping them, and to celebrate our new friendship.  

In one part of the ceremony, everyone tied special blessed cotton strings around our wrists, and we tied them on others’.  During the tying, they gave us blessings and wishes for good luck.

The last few days, we’ve been wearing these bracelets of wishes, I’ve been thinking:  What does it mean to be lucky?

I feel lucky just to have met these people, and to have experienced this sharing with them.  Does “luck” require some visible outcome, or is “luck” really something inside?

We took a flight yesterday.  We arrived safely.  Were we lucky?  The flight was turbulent – were we unlucky?  Our bags all arrived, were we lucky?  The bags were slow to get to the carousel – were we unlucky?

The children at the House of Dreams live on the edge of poverty – are they unlucky?  These six kids, out of hundreds in their villages, were selected for this opportunity – so are they lucky?  They work many many more hours, and in much more difficult circumstances, than do my children – does that mean they are unlucky?  But, they are joyful and committed to working hard, giving back, and pursuing their dreams – something few kids ever really experience – so are they lucky?

 

“Luck” raises some big questions for me.  What do we choose in our lives, and what is beyond our choice?  Do we “make our own luck,” meaning it’s not something external?  

Sometimes people talk about luck as a kind of “magical wish” that’s outside us.  I don’t know if such a thing exists, but I certainly know that “feeling lucky” is a powerful force.  Life happens, then we can choose how we feel about that.  If we choose to feel lucky, we create a sense of abundance and gratitude – which reduce stress, increase optimism, and strengthen our ability to solve problems.  Maybe that’s a really lucky way to live?

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I’m in Laos working on a book about EQ for fathers.  This will be my 5th book!  And, in some ways, it’s the easiest – not because it’s the 5th, I think, but because fatherhood has been such a big theme in my blogging the last 13 years.  Sue McNamara, from our Singapore office, asked me if I had any tips for writing.  So, borrowing on Anabel’s recent them of lists of six, here are six “hard won” tips for writing. 

1.  Get words on the page. 

It doesn’t matter if they’re right or good or perfect — the enemy of the writer is a blank page. Write to me, your child, to your dear Aunt Sally – just write.  Electrons are free.  You’ll edit later (see point 6).

In fact, my experience is that the best writing is unlabored.  It’s less formal.  More zippy.  Real.  You.

2.  Capture the idea and fill it in later. 

Thoughts are faster than typing – so throw an idea down when you have it, flesh it out later.  Type in all caps, MORE ABOUT XXX LATER…

 

3.  Stop with an idea of what’s next. 

Don’t end your session at the end — end just before, so you start your next session with something!  See point 1!!  My preference is to try to finish a thought, it feels complete.  But then, when I sit down for my next session, I’m at a blank place.  If I force myself to stop, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, then ____.

 

4.  There is NEVER a perfect time or enough time. 

The easiest thing in the world is to find a reason not to write.  Here in Laos I’ve dedicated time, but:  The chair isn’t comfortable.  It’s too hot or too noisy.  I can’t do my usual take a little walk (I can take a sauna for free though). 

If you have 5 min, write 1 idea.

 

5. Shift gears. 

If you sit for hours writing, I doubt you’ll write much the next day.  Your brain and body need stimulus and energy.  Walk.  Swim.  Eat a delicious lunch.  You can “write in your head” then sit and write.  For me, 45 in is a nice “block” – sometimes I set a timer and “make” myself write for 45 min (even if it’s trash, see #1) then “make” myself stop and move.

Since we study emotional intelligence, we all know that emotions are a huge driver of performance.  What can you do to promote a useful set of emotions?  If you don’t have them, can you “artificially” create them?  Bad Mood is a great excuse, so remember, mood is a choice.

 

6. Editing is your friend.

Some of you will remember “back in the day” when we used paper or typewriters.  I remember the terrible pain of having to do a second draft and re-typing a whole paper.  Ugh.  Thankfully, on the computer editing is a piece of cake.  You can save multiple versions, move whole sections, reorder, reword, insert… In editing, I like to:

• Replace boring words with zingy ones – look for the trite phrases and reform them
• Increase brevity – take out the trash
• Strengthen my voice – does it sound like me?  My unique contribution?
• Make it parallel – the old subject-verb agreement etc.
• Correct errors – to many two count.

 

I don’t know who told me this, but many years ago someone said, “The difference between a writer and a non-writer?  A writer writes.”  Sometimes it’s a delight, sometimes it’s sheer agony, but get words on the page.

 

Apparently in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center on 9/11, rescue dogs faced a massive challenge.  But it wasn’t the rubble and death that affected them:  It was their handlers’ distress.

While some would balk at the comparison, managers might consider their work teams much like these amazing dogs.  The rescue dogs are highly trained, highly skilled, dedicated workers — and after 9/11 they proved themselves to be astoundingly resilient and perseverant.  And, as do workplace teams, the managers’ moods had a significant effect on their performance in the short and long term.

We can make the same analogy, perhaps even more pointedly, about a teacher and classroom, parent and children, or even friend and other friends.  Emotions are, fundamentally, signals of risk and opportunity.  We transmit these messages unconsciously, automatically, and continuously — and our emotions affect those around us.  Be they human, or canine.

In this interview Terry Gross asks Cynthia Otto, who worked with rescue dogs at ground zero, about how the dogs were affected by the experience.  Otto explains that the dogs were not particularly traumatized by the rubble or sirens or even broken bodies — but that as those stressors played on the handlers, the dogs became stressed by their managers’ distress.

We tend to think of emotions as something internal — private — and our own business.  When we learn more about the way emotions actually function between people (and even between species), a different picture emerges.

If we add an understanding of emotional capital — the fact that feelings have a bottom line value in brand, talent, and customer experience — then this transmission of emotion because an essential ingredient in the meaning of leadership.

As business becomes more complex with globalization, new generations, and the accelerating pace of innovation, the value of “emotionally intelligent leaders” is gaining ground.  This presents an opportunity, especially for women:  A new analysis of over 24,000 leaders and workers from all over the world shows female leaders, statistically, have an edge in three key areas of people-leadership: 

(1) EQ is made of numerous component parts, Females are particularly higher in some – but not all;

(2) the largest gap is in the capacity to predict the emotional consequences of actions allowing women to be more strategic with feelings;

(3) In key aspects of EQ, women in leadership roles are even further ahead of their male counterparts, suggesting that these differentiators may be essential for females to advance their careers.

For both females and males, the new data suggests important opportunities for leveraging strengths to become more effective at people leadership.

 

Emotional intelligence (or EQ) means being smarter with feelings — accurately appraising emotional data, and using that data to optimize decisions.  A growing body of evidence shows these capabilities are tied to improved leadership, effectiveness, relationships, decision-making, health, and wellbeing; which helps higher EQ leaders create greater economic and societal value (see www.6seconds.org/case).

While women and men alike have challenges in accurately identifying, managing, and applying the data and energy contained in emotions, a common perception is that women are more “tuned in” when it comes to feelings.  Numerous studies show that “Ms. Average” will have a slightly higher EQ score that “Mr. Average.”  A new analysis confirms this result, but presents three key new findings that are essential for understanding these gender variations.

1: EQ Components

Just as cognitive intelligence, measured by IQ, is made of many components, EQ is multi-dimensional.  Various theoretical models of emotional intelligence posit slightly different components of the construct, but all recognize a dimension tied to accurately appraising emotional data, one tied to managing or integrating that data, and a dimension of application.  In the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, we structure these into a three-step process for putting EQ into action:

• Awareness is “Know Yourself” – accurately assessing emotional data.
• Management is “Choose Yourself” – consciously selecting emotional response.
• Direction is “Give Yourself” – purposefully applying emotion toward significance.

In these three dimensions, analysis of 24,436 people from around the globe shows women have a slight edge in all three.  In the Know Yourself area, Ms. Average scores 1.8% higher than Mr. Average – but only 0.4% higher in the Choose Yourself area (see Figure 1: EQ and Gender, Overview).

The implication is that women tend to be slightly more self-aware will not be a surprise.  It’s important to note that these scores are normative, approximately distributed on a bell curve, which means that among the 12,236 women in this sample, roughly 7,300 will be near the middle.  Some 1,800 will be much higher on EQ, and approximately the same number will be much lower.  The same is true for the 12,200 males in this group.  This means that any given female is not necessarily higher on EQ than her male counterpart, but on average, women are stronger in this domain.

 

 2: EQ Dynamics

Within the three component parts of the Six Seconds Model are eight specific, learnable, measurable competencies.  Looking at this more detailed view, it becomes apparent that women have a stronger EQ capability in certain areas of emotional intelligence – where men (on average) have more strength in other components.

The greatest single gender gap is in a competency called “Apply Consequential Thinking,” which enables people to pause and evaluate the costs and benefits of their actions before they leap.  This requires blending both tactical/factual information and human/emotional data to make a decision that will work – and work well with people.  Females (on average) score 4.5% higher in this crucial area, suggesting they could take a more considered approach and “look before they leap.”

Females also score noteably higher on the two self-awareness competencies:

• “Enhance Emotional Literacy” means identifying and understanding feelings.
• “Recognize Patterns” means acknowledging frequently recurring reactions.

 

On the other hand, men have an advantage in “Navigate Emotions,” which enables people to harness the insight and energy of feelings to move forward intentionally:  Responding rather than reacting.  This is also the lowest-scoring area for women in the sample, suggesting that more often females will find their emotions in charge rather than proactively and mindfully working with emotion. 

That said, because of the female edge in “Enhance Emotional Literacy” and “Apply Consequential Thinking,” it’s likely that “Ms. Average” will have the capability to understand and evaluate emotions better that “Mr. Average.” So if she applies these strengths (rather than trying to just push emotions away), females could more quickly move toward mastery.

“Increase Empathy” is another area where females are scoring higher – which aligns with typical societal expectations of female nurture.  In the workplace, this translates to an important competitive advantage in the ability to influence and engage others.  But, higher empathy paired with lower navigation can lead to emotional overwhelm.

 

3: Leadership Differences

Within the global sample, 6,236 respondents are in a senior leadership role (40% of these are female).  Because emotional intelligence is correlated with career success, we know that people in higher-level roles will generally have higher EQ – and this is confirmed in this dataset.  In terms of overall EQ, the gender gap widens from 1% to nearly 2% with female leaders pulling further ahead.  Looking at individual competencies, the mix of gender gap changes in important ways.

For example, one of the areas that appears to be most powerfully linked to career progress is “Pursue Noble Goals,” the capability to put purpose into action.  In Figure 2, above, males have a slight edge in this competency, but in Table 1 we can see that for those in leadership positions, there’s essentially no gender difference.

Table 1: Changing Gender Gaps for Leaders

Competency	Gap for All	Gap for Leaders
Enhance Emotional Literacy	2.34	3.69
Recognize Patterns	1.48	2.25
Apply Consequential Thinking	4.68	5.55
Navigate Emotions	-1.91	-1.16
Engage Intrinsic Motivation	-0.74	-0.30
Exercise Optimism	0.31	1.81
Increase Empathy	3.17	2.81
Pursue Noble Goals	-1.21	0.04

(negative numbers mean females score lower / males score higher)

Figure 3, below, shows the scores of females and males in leadership roles.  It can be compared with Figure 2.

 

For those in leadership roles:

In “Enhance Emotional Literacy” and “Apply Consequential Thinking” the gap widens among leaders, suggesting that female leaders are especially insightful in the emotional domain and even more careful in their responses (compared with the general population).

The dynamics are also shifting in “Exercise Optimism,” a competency that facilitates a proactive, solution-oriented approach.  Among the general population, females are not significantly ahead of males.  Among leaders, however, the gap widens as the average female scores over 1.6% higher.  As is shown in Figure 3, this becomes the 2^nd highest competency among female leaders, providing a resource for solving problems and generating energy.

Between job levels, the only area where males are starting to close the gap is “Increase Empathy.”  In the general population, males score over 3% lower than females, but among leaders it’s only a 2.6% difference (but females in leadership are still considerably higher in this area).  This is also one of the lowest-scoring areas for male leaders, suggesting an important opportunity for the relatively few empathic male leaders to stand out.

 

Conclusions

This analysis provides important insight into the opportunities for females in the workforce, and for those concerned with developing organizational leadership.

First:  Women who want to advance their careers need to tap into the capabilities to Pursue Noble Goals and Engage Intrinsic Motivation, the two competencies where those in leadership have the biggest advantage.

Second: In developing EQ strengths, “Ms. Average” should prioritize Navigating Emotions while capitalizing on stand-out strengths of Enhancing Emotional Literacy and Applying Consequential Thinking.

Third:  If it’s true that the skills of emotional intelligence are increasingly important in an increasingly complex marketplace, then males who want to compete will take heed.  Males, especially in leadership roles, must increase self-awareness and reduce impulsivity.

The bottom line is that as the value of emotional intelligence continues to be recognized, females have an important opportunity for creating added value and building workplaces where people thrive.

–

About the Author

Joshua Freedman is the COO of Six Seconds (http://www.6seconds.org), the global leaders in emotional intelligence development.  Six Seconds has offices in 11 countries, publishes seven validated individual and organizational assessments, and an extensive library of learning and development resources.  Freedman is one of the founders of the organization, and he is the author of two books on the business applications of the science of emotion, At the Heart of Leadership and INSIDE CHANGE. His web site is http://www.JMFreedman.com

About the Data

This data comes from the SEI, Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment, a normative measure of EQ skills; on the SEI, the median score is 100, with a standard deviation of 15, much like a traditional IQ test.  For this analysis, we used an international dataset collected primarily in corporate environments over the last five years in Europe, Asia, the Americas, and the Middle East — in English, Italian, Chinese, Spanish, and Portuguese *.  For this analysis, the data was scored using a special global norm to allow a more accurate comparison between the various languages.  (*The SEI is also available in French, German, Arabic, Japanese, and Bahasa Indonesia.)

 

One of the basic facts about emotion:  Feelings motivate.

Fear motivates protection.

Anger motivates attack.

Joy motivates connection.

Disgust motivates rejection.

Trust motivates stepping forward.

Sorrow motivates withdrawing.

Surprise motivates stopping to asses.

Anticipation motivates looking forward.

There are myriad combinations of these expressed in thousands of words for feelings.

 

One of the basic facts about business life:  Meetings are… suboptimal.  

We have a lot of (probably WAY too many) fairly useless meetings.  They don’t GO anywhere, people leave having heard, but not feeling heard.  The leave with ideas but not meaning.

 

Put the two facts together:  

In your next meeting, how do you want people to feel?

 

If you consider that every meeting is an opportunity give a gift of emotion — emotion that will create some value for the person, the team, the organization — what gift will you give?

I was talking to a colleague about a project we’ll launch for her senior leadership team and the importance of framing this work in terms of strategic value.  In our work, normally that means, “How do we increase and leverage emotional capital to create enduring value?”  It’s about strengthening the leadership capacity to foster a vibrant organizational climate to deliver superlative value to clients.  Powerful, but I’d like to simplify… a lot.

My son, Max, has become very excited about fencing, and I explained to him that strategy means:

You’re at “point A” and there’s stuff going on around you.  You want to get to “point B”… so you make a plan and go for it… and then do it again.

So strategy boils down to four simple ingredients:

1. Where are we now?
2. What’s going on around us?
3. Where do we want to go and why?
4. How do we move forward?

The point of our consulting work is that if you actually want real answers to these questions, in addition to the business and rational side, we have to look at the human, emotional dynamics.

And… this is where it gets “un-simple” again.  Thinking about this as an expert on emotions, som several “minor” challenges emerge…

1. It’s hard to know where you are if you don’t have self-awareness and you only look at the surface of the situation.
2. What’s going on around is changing all the time, and if you’re not tuning in constantly, your plans fail before you start.  Especially in a VUCA environment *
3. When you’ve got 100 people, you probably have 200 destinations and 300 reasons why – somehow you must create alignment or entropy takes over.
4. You might have a logical, sensible plan on how to move… but people are not just logical and sensible.

* VUCA = originally a military acronym for conditions of volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity. Yes, that’s another word for “these days” and it makes planning a wee bit harder.

Amazing how such a simple idea is so confounding.  The good news is that we CAN measure and plan for these.

PS.  Here’s a very brief article I wrote with a simple graphic that could capture strategy!

I was telling a friend about a recent meeting with a senior leadership team: “It was a great meeting because they immediately ‘got’ that the way they treat their people affects the way their people treat their customers.”

My friend (who is very non-corporate) laughed, “Even I get that!”

This seems like an incredibly obvious equation — Better Leadership Interaction = Better Employee Interaction = Better Customer Experience = Better Results.

If we recognize that this chain is largely about emotion, we could also write it as the chain of emotional capital:

Leader EQ -> Workplace Climate -> Customer Delight -> Win.

It’s a blinding flash of the obvious… and now we can MEASURE all these steps… yet it is phenomenally rare in organizational life.

Why?  Perhaps we get caught up in the flurry of “stuff to do” and quarterly pressures, and we forget that ALL leadership is people-leadership.  Perhaps we forget that ALL relationships are an emotional exchange — and that ultimately the value of an enterprise can be more accurately measured by emotional capital than by EBITDA.

Do you see organizational leaders following this “golden rule” (treat your employees as you wish your customers will be treated)?  Why doesn’t it happen more often?