Recent meeting… opposing views… EQ trainwreck. As I watched, I just kept thinking: It would be so easy to get agreement if these people used just a scrap of emotional intelligence. So, in 3 simple steps, here’s how you get agreement… eat your veggies RAW:
1. Relax.
No, seriously. When you walk into a meeting “wound up,” people immediately feel that. Doesn’t matter if you’re coming loaded for bear, or just stressed by something unrelated… walk in tense and you create resistance.
2. Align.*
Start with common purpose. What are you, individually or together, trying to achieve?
Let’s say you are giving feedback about someone’s work, and it’s not great. You can start by saying, “here are the 22 things wrong with your crappy work…” or, you can start by saying, “I want to be sure we’re on the same page about the goals. Here’s what I think we’re trying to accomplish…”
3. Wait.
Think of the cliché used car salesman who talks a mile a minute trying to convince you… do the opposite. The “first rule of emotional intelligence”: When people feel pushed, they resist.
Don’t push: Pull. Offer. Invite. Listen. Make space.
Go back to step 1… stay RAW ’till you have agreement.
* More about step 2, and the picture.
Did you see the incredible insights from Daniel Shapiro (from Harvard’s International Negotiation Program)? He talked about moving out of an OPPOSITIONAL STANCE — and coming to stand on the same side so you & your former adversary are now standing shoulder-to-shoulder facing a mutual challenge. It’s not a technical, cognitive skill — it’s an application of emotional intelligence. Know Yourself, tune in. Choose Yourself, deescalate. Give Yourself, step together.
The picture above is one of the great Aikido masters (bonus points if you can identify the photo, I don’t know). See how he’s moved to stand on the SAME side as his “opponent”? See his open body language? He’s inviting the young guy to fall down, and guess what? The young guy is going to!
If you don’t want to get caught up in dissent, move so you’re standing next to the other guy. One of the power-tools here is adding just a little empathy. Tuning in. Connecting. Finding you’re both actually in the same life raft.
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