Writing

Why is emotional intelligence important for change?

I’d like to write several posts about this — about how EQ helps us plan for change, how it is key to our resiliency, and how it’s essential for leading change.  But for today I’ll focus on how this intelligence can give us insight, or understanding.

Change is confusing.  While we’re fabulous at change, usually, sometimes we get stuck.  Then it’s hard!  What’s happening to us in that process, and what intelligence can we apply to unwind the knot?

I like way that William Bridges explains that when we face change, there are two parts.  One part one is the change itself which often happens at a certain point in time — the day you get your pink slip, the moment you see the officer at your door with tragic news on his face, the last cigarette you smoke before quitting, the day you get on that flight to a new city.  These changes can be planned or unplanned, happy or sad, they’re a fact of life and while we can resist, they don’t stop.

The other part is the transition.  The transition usually starts well before the change and continues long after.  My dad died nearly a year ago and I still am in this transition.  I changed jobs 13 years ago and it took 10 for the transition to be complete (-ish).

The change is largely factual.  The transition is largely emotional.

The change is often driven externally.  The transition is internal.

We can understand the change with IQ.  Understanding the transition takes EQ.

When we’re stuck in the process, usually it’s in the transition.  Then we try to back out of the change.  We get scared.  Then the voices of the apocalypse* start in.. But that’s irrational!  Stop being so stupid, just do it.   It’s only a little ____. There must be something wrong with me.

Because we’re “supposed to be smarter than that,” and we have not sufficiently developed EQ, we find this state of confusion very very problematic.  We analyze more, but the more we analyze the more we get this particular cork stuck in the bottle:  We’re analyzing away, but the issue is not intellectual.  It’s not an IQ problem.

So we flail around, the voices of the apocalypse get louder, and we get mad at ourselves – and mad at others – and jealous – because we perceive our path is blocked.  This should be easier!  Why can’t I be ___er??

Over time (sometimes short time), we feel helpless and sad.  I’m GREAT at change, I’ve accomplished SO MUCH, but I can’t even ___???  I’ve tried 100 times, nothing works.

Then we protect ourselves from these unpleasant feelings, usually by distracting ourselves (shopping, hanging out at the bar, blogging — ahem!)  Or by acting out (other destruction), or acting in (self destruction).

What a mess!  What if there were a way for us to tune into these transitions, value and honor the emotional challenge, and deal with the feelings rather than pretending to deal with the facts?

By the way, here’s a paradoxical * about the word apocalypse.  We use it to mean end of the world, but it actually means “revelation.”  Maybe those “irrational” voices are not the words of doom, but revelations of those deep fears and uncertainties that can teach us, protect us, and keep us focused on what’s truly most important as we navigate change?

This week we watched the Star Wars trilogy as a family – first time for Emma and Max. Return of the Jedi was today. A couple of comments that followed up from the discussion of Satyagraha.

Tucking into bed, Max, 7: “Remember when Luke made C3P0 fly, and then C3p0 said, ‘I didn’t know I could do that,’ and then Luke said, ‘I didn’t either,’ Luke was making C3P0 good.  Like you said you can make people good or make them bad, and Luke made him good.”

Me:  “And what about Darth Vader – Luke even made him good, right?  He knew there was good inside Darth and that’s what he focused on.”

Max:  “It’s like there is a big circle of red and one little bit of blue, and Luke made the blue get bigger and bigger until there wasn’t room for all the red.”

Yes, it’s fiction, but what a powerful example of Satyagraha — Luke was faced with this choice (over an over) to hide or to engage, and a clear difference of how to engage: through anger or through love.

Emma had a similar reflection earlier today and asked Patty about the difference between Luke and the Emperor.  After they talked a bit,  Emma’s conclusion: “Luke was trying to make peace with his fight and the Emperor wanted to destroy through fighting.  So it matters what you want.”

Emma, my daughter, is having “the year of her life” in school — huge leaps of passion and learning and adventure.  And facing powerful challenges.  The most pressing being a relentless conflict with another girl, let’s call her Josie.  They are both strong willed, independent, and believe themselves to be smart.  Patty & I have worked to help Emma see that being right is not that interesting unless you are also kind.   In turn, Emma has worked hard on being less abrasive, but these two just push one another’s buttons — and now it seems like nearly every day Josie is accusing Emma of something.

The latest round was that Josie was mad that Emma ignored her.  “I don’t want to fight with her so I just walk away,” says Emma… and we all agree that’s better than fighting… and that it’s not the same as making peace.  Emma was at a loss, though, of how to engage a different way, and was feeling helpless.  “She’s mad at me no matter what I do.”

So last week I shared a bit of Gandhi’s story.  Emma could definitely relate, and found the concept of Satyagraha fascinating.  Satyagraha is the name Gandhi gave to the type of nonviolent resistance he led to transform India.  Gandhi wrote:

Truth (satya) implies love, and firmness (agraha) engenders and therefore serves as a synonym for force. I thus began to call the Indian movement Satyagraha, that is to say, the Force which is born of Truth and Love or non-violence.

He contrasted satyagraha to passive resistance — or to walking way (in Emma’s case).  Satyagraha is active, it’s a force, but it’s not the kind of force most of us in the West think of when we think “power.”  Yet it turns out to be a game-changing, world-changing power because it steps out of the paradigm of escalating might and righteousness.

And it’s not just “what you do” that matters.  “How” is just as important.  For Gandhi, the means is the result — if you pursue peace through violence, you have made violence.  If you create peace through love, then you have created love.

Emma came back the next day having tried it.  “Satyagraha is SO difficult,” she said, “but I am going to keep doing it.”  While she struggled with it, she also knew, she experienced in just one day, that this is a transformational way of engaging with disagreement.  We could see in her reflection that she had, in fact, found a new kind of force.

As Gandhi said, when you let go of “violence of the heart” it generates a powerful new energy:

What I have pleaded for is renunciation of violence of the heart — and consequent active exercise of the force generated by the great renunciation.

The challenge is maintaining it — holding onto the kindness in the midst of the daily frustration.  Because while Emma can choose her response, Josie is continuing to look for opportunities to blame.  And how do you, as a 9-year-old, not take this personally?  It’s so difficult to step back and recognize that Josie’s reactivity is Josie’s.

In our EQ training we sometimes talk about the idea of “making others good.”  This means letting go of being right over others — it means accepting that “they are doing their best and I could do no better.”  The challenge is finding a genuine, solid core of caring for this “enemy” (who our egos are saying is “wrong/bad/mean”) and  letting go of the defense of righteousness.

Satyagraha is a process of resistence and a force of power, and an exercise in justice; at the core it is change that starts with love.

Working with Emma (my daughter, now 9) – she’s cutting out cupcakes for her science fair poster and cuts too much off:  “I wish there were a control-z for real life.”

I so agree!  Think of all those “emotional intelligence train wrecks” we could correct with a quick “control-z” — remove foot from mouth… ah the relief!

In the meantime I guess we’ll have to settle for better Consequential Thinking – the capacity to assess and manage the emotional impact of our decisions.  Yes it’s learnable – harder than pushing a button though.

Found this to be a powerful example of a family Knowing, Choosing, and Giving Themselves…

T.R.E. Frankel’s from B-Rilla on Vimeo.

Several years ago when Emma and Max were small, I heard that on average, fathers spend 5 minutes per day with their kids.  This seemed impossible.

Yet this morning, after being away all last week, while Patty & the kids were having breakfast, I was answering email.

Why?

Partly just habit now… maybe it grew from a pattern of mine: When I feel overwhelmed, I retreat and make myself busy.  When there’s “too much going on” (ie, normal family chaos), I retreat to the office and get on the computer…and maybe now I’m just used to hanging out at my desk?

But I have this sense of the window closing – the time when the kids WANT to be with me is growing shorter – and I’m feeling a bit sad and anxious about this.  Those important, valuable, unpleasant feelings are leading me to wonder about the choices I’m making.

This is an excerpt from a keynote for young executives in the Malaysian government (aka “emerging leaders”).  My goal in this session was to engage them to consider how they show up as leaders and the opportunity offered by using emotions more consciously and effectively.

The clip starts with our “EQ-Performance Chain” which shows how emotions are critical for driving results — then goes into a brief overview of the Six Seconds Model.  Later in the talk I go into a little more detail on each of Know, Choose, and Give yourself with a few interactive discussions, video clips, and activities.

Fascinating post by Jonah Lehrer about colors and problem solving

2 key points:

1.  different colors stimulate different types of thinking… red for analysis, blue for creativity

2.  relaxation is key to innovation… as Tessy Britton blogged before (here) there is a critical link between emotional states and creative problem solving.  People do, in fact, need to be “in the right mood” to be effective innovators… so if you want to be an emotionally intelligent organization or school, get the feeling right!!

This guy’s blog is GREAT for those neuroscience fans – check it out: The Color of Creativity : The Frontal Cortex

Othman Alkhader, one of our network members from Kuwait, shared this proverb with me (because I was speaking in the Gulf I wanted some!):

At first I thought it was kind of “non EQ” self-destructive — but discussing w Billy & Hamidah (2 other network members) late night in Malaysia, maybe it’s really a pillar of emotional intelligence:  If you are emotionally smart, you take your full share of responsibility (but no more).  That’s part of the competencies we call “Exercise Optimism” and “Engage Intrinsic Motivation” – it means taking ownership, not just of what’s easy, but of the whole enchilada (to mix cultures)…

How amazing would that be to work for leaders, and live with people, who took the full measure of responsibility for their choices?

What do you think – and feel – about the proverb?

Out to dinner on Valentine’s Day, young couple on first (?) date sitting at the next table:

Boy:  “This place is pretty good!”

Girl: “Yes, I like the food.”

Boy: “Oh good, I was worried.  I thought it was like a downscale Olive Garden, I mean I thought maybe I was taking you to some hole in the ground for Valentine’s Day….”

Help! Get this boy an EQ coach!!!

To be more emotionally intelligent, ask yourself this important question:  What do you want this person to feel? Perhaps you want her to feel special, important, attractive, interesting… or you can go with the “hole in the ground” comment (showing that your mom chose the restaurant) leaving her feeling doubtful and drab.

Then, when you know what you what feelings you want to inspire, you can consider what of your own authentic feelings you can tap to engage those.  Then use that as a guide to manage your own choices!!