Writing

Just listened to a fab radio show from The Really Big Questions about emotion. talks about some of the science and implications for us individually and collectively. The just forgot to say, “and if you want to learn how to effectively use these incredible resources, contact Six Seconds”

Definitely listen to this one and let me know what you think – and feel about it!!!

http://trbq.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=16&Itemid=43

In the Six Seconds EQ Model, the “capstone” is a competency we call “Pursue Noble Goals.” Members of the Six Seconds’ team were discussing this last week, and reflecting that especially in “tough times” it’s easy to feel stuck and have a sense that the work you really want to do is occluded by the “stuff you have to do.”When we say “pursue” Noble Goals, that could sound like, “I have to give up the day to day and totally focus on the truly significant.” Nice, but unlikely.

Pursue Noble Goals really means putting purpose into everyday action. If your purpose is supporting equity, how can you build more equity between the people in the elevator today? If your purpose is sustaining a vibrant earth, how can you change what you buy for lunch to be more sustainable? If your purpose is nurturing compassion, how can you think and feel as you wash the dishes so you end that experience more compassionate?

In other words:  Consider the alignment between WHAT you are doing each moment, each day — HOW your are doing that, and WHY?  Is your intention coming through both in the action and in the way that action is undertaken?

In promoting Satyagraha, nonviolent compassionate activism, Gandhi explained that you can not make peace through anger. Anger and violence make more anger and violence. Real peace only can be made through peaceful means. Sometimes we think the “end justifies the means,” but in this vision, the means IS the end and the end is made of the means. So when we talk about Pursuing Noble Goals, that’s the standard: Live it. It’s not something to work toward in the future, it’s a future to bring into the present. Everywhere, all the time.

Great experience w my kids discovering a way to make a difference – and how that connection to purpose created emotional transformation.  Wrote it up on family travel blog…

http://redsuitcase.wordpress.com/2009/10/30/j-orangutan-heart/

I admit it’s a terrible habit – again sitting in a restaurant listening to the next table… but the guy was so loud I could hardly not!  Three people, “Joe” and 2 friends, Joe says he’s so glad to see them again and launches into a story.  Eventually says, “but I don’t want us to just talk about my stories…” and the proceeds to dominate the conversation for half an hour of virtually nonstop monologue.  Every once in a while the others manage to slip in a word but Joe grabs back the conversation.  It seems like Joe KNOWS he dominates and has at least a vague intention of sharing the stage, but doesn’t.

So:  Is Joe self-aware?

And, if he is, what’s missing?

Sometimes people talk about emotional intelligence as “paying attention to feelings,” which is nice but inadequate.  Maybe even useless.  We do need to ACCURATELY identify and understand feelings, but I contend that to be “intelligent” we also need to use that data effectively.  When we use mathematical intelligence we accurately identify the info and use it to come up with answers that solve problems.  How about when we use EQ?

(And, how about my admission of my terrible habit?)
♥

From NurtureShock to Bright-sided, there are several new “anti-feel-good” books coming out, and they seem to be striking a chord with the current state of the world — and they are SO right.  I mean enough of this talking about feelings. As Marge Simpson said (more or less), “take those negative feelings and push them down inside yourself until you’re standing on them!”  What we need is more cold-hearted, analytic critics in the world, and clearly there’s good money to be made selling books that say so.  Look, suppression has worked for generations — one only has to look objectively at the data.  For example, our parents’ generation was raised to suppress feelings and avoid confrontation, and see how fabulously well they’ve done with the big challenges of life, such as holding onto ideals, building enduring marriages, leading businesses ethically, and reversing environmental depredations?

Oh, wait…

Look, as a society we’ve already tried the path of the supremacy of mean logic, and it hasn’t worked well.

In all seriousness, there is a piece of this “anti nurture” stance that I appreciate.  JUST being positive doesn’t accomplish much. Overpraise – that sloppy, saccharin way some people interact (especially with kids) – has terrible detriment (though underpraise is probably worse).

My daughter, Emma, recently entered a garden in the County Fair.  We were asking her how it went on the setup day, and what the adults there said to her.  “They said I did a good job, but I didn’t know if that meant I really did a good job or not.”

“Why honey, what do you mean?”

“Well, you know, adults always say how great kids’ work is to make them feel good, so you don’t know if your work is really good or not.  Except Suzanne [Emma’s fabulous and tough dance teacher], she hardly ever says something is good so when she does you know it’s really good.”

I also agree that JUST talking about feelings is pretty much useless.  Again, treating feelings as an anathema is probably worse.  But emotional intelligence requires more than “just talking,” it requires accuracy and insight.  Emotional wisdom is an even higher standard – it takes going from awareness to action – which requires a robust mix of skills.

One of the key principles we teach people learning to use our emotional intelligence assessment is that BALANCE is at least as importance as overall competence.  Someone who’s highly skilled in one competency can overuse that to their and others’ detriment – as I wrote a few days ago, even an incredible valuable asset like optimism can go awry when it’s used without the balancing effect of other strengths.

And, in the end, would you rather live in a world with well meaning happy people who are over-caring and over-praising, or in a world with steely-eyed grouchy “realists” who can’t be bothered to care and find praise a waste of oxygen?  Maybe somewhere in between?

Amy McConnell Franklin, Ph.D., Senior Consultant for Six Seconds and Educational Trainer and Consultant, will be in Singapore Nov. 23rd and 24th, facilitating a two day conference on Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) and Emotional Intelligence (EI). The Six Seconds model of Emotional Intelligence will be the foundation of this interactive workshop for school administrators, teachers and parents committed to bringing EI,  ”the missing piece” of education, to their children and school communities.

Emotional Intelligence is an achievement that is both teachable and learnable. A robust and growing body of research acknowledges the benefits and feasibility of systematically and consistently integrating EI in schools through teacher training and direct student instruction. EI training is the foundational building block of effective and sustainable SEL programs. Educators and school communities around the globe are increasingly realizing the need to model and teach the concepts and skills of emotional intelligence in school communities, as a core curricular component,  in order to create more circumspect decision makers, more compassionate, accountable and resilient members of society and more successful, creative students and problem solvers.

The author of the recently published Choose to Change: A step by step guide for fostering emotional intelligence in the classroom, @ 2009, Dr. Franklin has taught the concepts and skills of EI to teachers and parents in the USA and internationally since 2003.  This new book is a primer to help teachers and school systems begin to create more compassionate, interactive, safe and successful school environments. She returns to Singapore for this second annual  International SEL conference to share experiences and models for effectively bringing EI to schools communities. Join her in order to deepen your understanding of EI and explore ways and means of bringing these critical skills and concepts to your children, to your school communities and to the next generation.

For more information and registration pls see:
www.selconference.com
or contact:
Grace Garcia
Tel :6487 2901/ FAX 6341 5586
email: admin@elisher.com
Soci

In June, the project was going to take 8 weeks.  By August, clearly it would be 12.  Now, we’re hoping we can wrap everything up before we go past 5 months.

“Everyone” knows the remodeling projects go over budget and behind schedule, so I built a healthy 15% margin into our budget – should be plenty!  But I forgot my dangerous tendency toward optimism.

Looking at the results of my SEI assessment (Six Seconds’ emotional intelligence test), there’s a telling passage in the “snapshot” of a leader with optimism scores like mine…

Sometimes pessimistic people complain these leaders are “always wearing rose colored glasses.” In a sense that is true, and it can lead to unrealistically minimizing risks and overstating reward.

I definitely minimized the perceived risks — fortunately the results are not dire, just rather challenging, but in other circumstances  could have been a really serious financial issue.  Not to mention the stress!   Back in May & June making those plans, even though I recognized some risk, I focused much more on the excitement of the project and the potential (the “up side”) and so made decisions with inadequate caution.  I don’t regret the whole project, but there are certainly days where I say, “if I’d known it was going to be this difficult and expensive, I never would have started.”

Perhaps this is one reason those who prefer a pessimistic style don’t really trust those of us who tend toward an optimistic view.  They see that we “bite off more than we can chew” and sometimes break our teeth on the rocks of unexpected challenge.  “I could have told you,” they delight to say, “but you don’t listen.  I’m just trying to be realistic.”

Because we’re not realistic, of course. We live in a fantasy where almost anything is possible, and a great deal is probable.

On the other hand, the curmudgeon who loves pessimism is also living in a fantasy.  One where high walls and a careful defense is required at all times.  Where few things are possible, and little (good) is probable.

In which fantasy would you rather live?

Most of you would say, I suspect, “neither!  I want to live in reality….” but just for a moment, suppose that isn’t an option — that the universe’s optometrist  has run our of clear glasses so you can either wear “rose colored glasses” or “gloom colored glasses.”

I suspect that if I wore the gloom glasses, I would have no cause chorus the “if I’d only known” lament.  On the other hand, I’d never have taken on this challenge.  I suppose that in 15 years we can all look back and evaluate the merits of this decision with some balanced perspective, the data of hindsight, but in the present it’s a mystery.  Except, that while I’m poorer in cash, my life is very rich.  Yes, this continues to be an incredibly challenging process (especially since we’re leaving for 6 weeks in Asia in 10 days!!!), yet I’m feeling vibrantly alive, stretched to grow, awake to learn, engaged with my family in this endeavor, and going to bed exhausted by long days ripe with full effort.

And the house is looking amazing!

Found this fascinating – they don’t talk about emotional intelligence per-se, but a lot about emotions and trust — amazing that top economists are admitting that the science of economics is NOT RATIONAL, that there is an “animal spirit” that drives the economy (perhaps we could say take the radical step of using the word “emotion”?) — trust is a feeling!

The Science of Trust: Economics and Virtue [Speaking of Faith® from American Public Media]

I was consulting with a client recently about his work and the changes he’d like to implement in his healthcare services business.  He’s facing two changes:

• shifting from being a professional to being a manager & leader — instead of doing his hands-on care and sometimes checking in with others, the change would move him to mostly be managing and leading
• shifting from a “small business” to a “scalable business” model — instead of each site being completely unique, the change will require a consistent brand

Big stuff!!  Tough. Doable – but only if one is really serious about that shift.  So I wanted to know if this change was a match with his own vision of himself, and asked:

What do you want your job to be?

I suspect that many, many people find themselves in leadership positions without having really CHOSEN that.  This seems especially true in professional services – the doctor who finds herself leading an office; the investor who finds himself managing a team; the educator who finds himself leading an organization…

So before you get “further” in your career, it’s worth considering — what do you want your job to be?  What do you want to do more and less of?  If you “take that next step” in your work, will you still be doing the parts of the work that you love?

I travel a lot, and many countries have a space on their customs form for job.  I’m never quite sure what to put there.  It’s a little space, and I want to write something that’s not too confusing… EQ advocate?  Leader?  Teacher?  Author?  Consultant?  Trainer?  Executive?

Apparently I have some conflict and confusion about the changes in my own role!

While I WANTED our organization to grow, and pushed that, while I WANTED to do more leading and less doing, while I WANTED to build a team — I still sometimes regret how complex my job has become, and feel inadequate because I don’t really know how to do it.

Like so many of our clients, I’ve “evolved” into this role rather than being chosen for it, and a large part of what I love(d) about my own work is the “professional” hands on work, rather than the managing.

This reminds me about the work of Joy Palmer, one of our Network Members who primarily works with finance executives on this change.  She’s written about the process in The Rise of the Player Manager.

For myself, I’m someone who thrives on challenge and learning-by-doing… so it’s a great place to be… and I recognize that I only do my best when I pay close attention — I’ve chosen to be a leader.  Maybe that’s going on the next customs form!

Tidbit from my physical therapist:  When you’ve experienced a lot of pain, for example from a ruptured tendon, when you go to try to use that muscle again your brain says, “NO!”  Not because it hurts now, but because your brain “knows” that activity will be painful.

I’ve certainly experienced this in physical therapy with my knees… but also elsewhere in my life.  Before my dad died, for example, there were things I wanted to tell him, but I way afraid — not because it would hurt now, I suspect, but because by brain “knew” that activity would be painful.

So often we “protect” against the old and imagined hurts, and we don’t experience that we’ve grown past the memory of pain.

To get past it in physical injury, I have to risk, trust, hope, have an ally — and commit.  I suspect the same is true with the emotional injuries.