Life is full of these moments of transition, of uncertainty and discovery.  People coming and going, growing up, moving away, coming back… waves on the sand, life seems to be continuously in flux, and you just can’t hold it still.

Yesterday I delivered Emma to her first sleep-away summer camp; she’ll be there for three weeks. Today my brother flies off to start his cardiology fellowship at Duke for several years, and Patty is driving Max to his first camp as well.  Not momentous events on a global scale — but for us, a Big Deal, and tomorrow feels lonely.

Yesterday Emma was overflowing with this amazing blend of completely excited and terrified.  As we got closer to the camp she was gripping my arm so tightly I thought I’d have bruises.  Interlochen is like Hogwarts for artsy kids, and as we drove into the camp past all the theatres and stages, she was trembling in excitement.  Once she met the other almost-all-first-time girls in her cabin, and her very sweet counselors, the terror dropped away and I was quickly not-so-needed.

I feel this incredible pride and honor in witnessing her strides, and a loss.  It reminded me of when I was a teacher, the first time my students were graduating and I just couldn’t stop tears flowing — one of the other teachers said, “You should be happy, this is what we’ve been working toward…” and I was happy, but happy and sad are not so far apart as all that.

Seeing all these kids so excited, so passionate, so scared, so vital, I was also filled with a larger nostalgia. So much LIFE all around, so much potential, so much discovery — new friends, the bliss of full immersion into weeks of learning.  Walking through camp, the air was textured with dozens of different musics from the rehearsal cabins, and everywhere were children in their new uniforms looking like plants about to burst into flower.  And I wasn’t going to be part of this adventure.

I am deeply happy for Emma to be part of this, and so proud that she’s such an accomplished and awake person, and I know that I am part of the adventure through her.  Nonetheless I had this sense of loss.  Or maybe more accurately, of questioning.  All these feelings stirring around, perhaps I could boil them down to this: Am I living my life, or simply passing through it?

I suspect the emotional turmoil of all of life’s transitions center on questions like this.  We have feelings to signal us, a big feeling means, “Pay Attention! Something important is happening…”  So walking along the shores of Lake Michigan after dinner, I found myself considering the last decade, and a few before that.  And the next ones.

In almost every way, it’s hard for me to imagine a better life than what I’m living now.  Yet I feel this strange paradox of the near-perfection of the moment, mixed with a sense of insecurity — of joy somehow slipping away into the past as I hesitantly step into an unknown future.  Can it possibly be better, or is it downhill from here? I’m not sure how to reconcile this.  How do I stay in love with the present, knowing it’s already gone?

It’s not so much a question of these three weeks.  Yes, today was long.  But tomorrow is back to a full schedule, and I know these days will fly by for us, and even faster for the kids.  So I think my feeling is more about the changing orbit of the stars of our family constellation.  Around a decade ago, I used that metaphor to describe how the children had transformed my life, not by doing anything, but simply by exerting an almost gravitational force of change.  Now, with a momentarily empty nest, I’m seeing how temporary these years are.  It’s not just “they’ll go to college;” it’s more immediate.  They won’t be 10 & 12 much longer.  In a minute they’ll both be teenagers.  The pace seems to be accelerating and the trajectory seems less clear.

It reminds me of this TV ad that I adore — an amazing reminder of the fragility and grace of love.  Take a look:

For me, the “seat belt” they’re advocating isn’t simply literal.  There are many safety belts we can fashion in ourselves and between one another.  Some are attractive illusions of safety, but others are enduring.  They’re not certain, and they don’t stop the accidents, but they shelter what’s most important.

In relationships, some of those safety belts are honest expressions of love, the risk to share, and being present with one another.  Perhaps choosing to embrace life, despite the fleeting race of time, is one of the most powerful.  I suppose saying goodbye to your baby girl at her first camp — with both a smile and a tear — is another.

In an 18-month project to equip leaders with new insights and tools for the people-side of change, this initiative created a 43% increase in participants’ readiness to cope with the complexities of organizational transformation.

Background:

The US military continues to undergo significant change to address the changing global context. Just as many companies face the need to become more adaptable and transformational, the armed services are engaged in similar rethinking and restructuring.  For example, for hundreds of years sailors have served on a particular ship; now sailors will move between ships as needed – creating a complex and dynamic workplace team in a high-challenge, high-risk, high-stakes context. Section IX of the National Security Strategy of the United States mandates transforming America’s military to meet the challenges and opportunities of the twenty-first century.

The US Navy Chaplain Corps serves the US Navy, Marine Corps, and Coast Guard.  One of the Corps critical responsibilities is to advise commanders and assist them in managing the readiness and wellbeing of the warriors and sailors in these services.  In this role, the Chaplains and their enlisted aides (“RPs”) are heavily involved in the human side of the changes.

Under the direction of Rear Admiral Robert Burt, the Chief of Chaplains from 2006-2010, the Corps undertook a series of initiatives to better equip the Corps for understanding and managing the human and emotional dynamics of change.  In a letter introducing the 3-day program outlined below, Chaplain Burt explained the goals:

“As the Sea Services revolutionize to meet tomorrow’s national security challenges and the Global War on Terror, every aspect of how we employ our forces, fight wars, plan program resources, build and modernize the fleet, and manage personnel is being re-examined.  This year’s Professional Development Training Course, “Ministry Tools for Times of Change,” will equip you to leverage the ministry opportunities presented by periods of significant transformation.

Understanding change and its effect on individuals as well as the institution is critical for mission readiness and ministry effectiveness.  To do so, it is vital that we are able to recognize the mode important elements for success in a rapidly changing environment.”

 

Implementation:

Six Seconds was invited to deliver a two-day workshop for senior commanders on emotional intelligence and change. David Tubley, a Chaplain in the Corps, had previously attended the Six Seconds EQ Certification and Advanced Certification programs; he was assigned to serve as a partner in the customizing the course content to the needs of the military culture and worked with Six Seconds throughout the implementation.

The two-day “Inside Path to Change” workshop was delivered to a group of senior Navy and Marine Corps officers and RPs, including officers from the Navy Education Training Command.  Following this initial pilot, Six Seconds was commissioned to:

1. Develop a customized 1-day introductory version of The Inside Path to Change focusing on the theory of EQ and change.
2. Deliver a Train-the-Trainer program to 20 officers with experience in training
3. Support the officers to deliver the 1-day program to approximately 1000 Chaplains, RPs, and staff.
4. Customize a 3-day followup program called “Ministry Tools for Times of Change” focusing on tools for increasing awareness and managing human dynamics of change.
5. Deliver the Ministry Tools for Times of Change in fleet concentration areas the US and world.

Program Design

The core concepts of the programs are captured in this introduction to the 1-day Inside Path to Change program:

Among the many opportunities and challenges these changes present, it is important for chaplains to become even more effective at…

• Managing their own changes so change remains an opportunity for ministry versus a “derailer” taking them away from their official role and purpose.
• Counseling individuals to cope in a rapidly changing environment.
• Advising leadership to effectively bring teams through change.
• Assisting the larger organization in a process of continuous improvement – that helps it fulfill its purpose while remaining values-based and ethical.

There are many competencies required for these activities.  Strategic thinking, analysis, relationship-building, and project management are required.  In addition, there is a fundamentally human component of change operating at an emotional level.

While essential for organizational success, change is always challenging.  Although most approaches to change recognize that these challenges are both strategic and emotional, the usual premise is that with a sound strategy people will fall into line.  This passing regard to the people who must execute the change leads most change efforts to fail.  In contrast, Six Seconds’ approach is based on understanding the human and emotional drivers of change and engaging those to assist in forming and executing effective strategy.

Emotional intelligence provides powerful insights and tools for engaging people in accomplishing critical goals.  Emotional intelligence (or “EQ”) is the capacity to effectively use emotions, and it’s a key-differentiating factor of successful leaders.

Six Seconds’ approach integrates the leading thinking on change. These theories are distilled into a practical action-learning model called the “EQ Change MAP” that helps leaders guide and sustain change.  The focus is on skillfully managing the emotions that either cause people to resist or embrace change.  The process helps managers develop a commitment to shared vision of a better organization, implement new initiatives while managing resistance, and then build clarity and alignment in a continuous improvement process.

The EQ Change MAP guides the change process through three stages:

Engage (develop clarity and buy-in). “Engage” is about getting ready – gathering ideas, resources, strategies, and emotional buy-in.

Activate (implement change strategies). “Activate” is about baby-step implementation – pilot projects and small wins.

Reflect (refine strategy and learn). “Reflect” is about refining – re-assessing and improving the plans so that the next iteration builds on the previous.

The EQ Change MAP is depicted below:

 

A key take-away from these programs is that emotions are a valuable part of change.  So-called “negative” emotions can give us insight and push us for change.  What are often called “positive” emotions can fuel change and sustain the change process.

The EQ Change Map is a “Ready-Fire-Aim” model focused on continuous improvement.  Like the Navy’s concept of an “80% solution,” the goal of the Change Map is to create buy in, take useful action, and then refine to build ongoing momentum for continuous improvement.

For more explanation of the Change MAP, see the book, INSIDE CHANGE (www.insidechange.net).

 

Implementation

Following Six Seconds’ learning design philosophy, these concepts were distilled into practical tools presented in an experiential process.  Both the 1-day and 3-day program used a blend of hands-on exercises, case studies, video-clips, and in-depth discussions to bring the concepts to life.  The 3-day program concluded with a “Capstone” exercise where small groups developed an implementation plan with was presented before a panel of subject matter experts.

The Inside Path to Change pilot and the Train-the-Trainer program utilized the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment as prework to provide specific, individual feedback about emotional intelligence.

The 1-day Inside Path to Change began with an orientation to current theories of change and the issues raised by various change theories, particularly the challenge of gaining buy-in and building momentum.  The program then introduced the EQ Change Map as a practical way to address those issues.  In the Map, above, there are three red arrows shown:  These represent essential emotional transitions required to create forward-moving change.  Because transitions are fraught with emotion, an effective change leader needs to have insight and skill in this domain:  In other words, they need emotional intelligence (EQ).  The program went on to focus on how the competencies in the Six Seconds EQ Model can become assets for change leaders.

The 3-day “Ministry Tools for Times of Change” built upon the orientation program going more deeply into the concepts and providing specific tools for increasing emotional awareness and management.  Program topics included the drivers and obstacles to emotional change, building trust, supporting others in change, and clarifying purpose.  Tools from Six Seconds’ methodology included “The Reaction Roadmap” (a process for understanding the neuroscience of emotional reactions, and options for moving out of reaction); “The Six Seconds Pause” (another look at the neuroscience of reactions); “Trust Traps” (a process for understanding trust as an emotional response and the drivers of trust); “Emotional Algebra” (an approach to integrating feelings into effective decision-making); and “Finding North” (a process for linking change to purpose).

 

Results:

The initial pilot was met with significant acclaim.  One participant, Dr. Albert Hill, wrote:

“As I see it, training is expensive, good training is valuable and your training was priceless. I’ve attended a lot of training over the years — I’ve delivered a fair share of it myself — but your ‘Inside Path to Change’ workshop was the most productive combination of captivating content, quality materials and engaging instructors I have experienced in a long, long time. Six Seconds had the whole package wired. I wish everybody in my organization could have been there.”

One year after the conclusion of the full program, the Director of Non-Resident Training, Commander David Gibson, sent an email to all officers who were participants inviting them to complete a survey for Six Seconds about the course.  There were 49 respondents (roughly 10% of the officers who attended the program).  The survey asked them to rate the importance of the subject matter, and their self-evaluation before and after the program in three areas:

1. Awareness of the emotional dynamics of change: 39% increase.
2. Processes and tools for working through these dynamics: 43% increase.
3. Tools for teaching about emotional intelligence: 58% increase.

 

The survey also asked participants for narrative comments about their experience and the results of the program (and for permission to quote their responses). As a result of program, are you doing anything differently as a Chaplain? If so, what kinds of different or better results are you getting?

“Yes, I am not a naturally willing subject for change.  However, the program added a great deal to my understanding of why I oppose it so much, and how to make it easier to deal with.  That helps me deal with those who struggle with change as well.  Change has become much less stressful for me and for the people around me.  Our office went through major change in 2007 and this was really helpful for us.” – William Holiman

“I am definitely more aware of the emotions I am experiencing as well as my peers and subordinates with change. Seeing much better results in mentoring them to adjust as they process the reasons, motivation, rationale for the change by the organization.” – Craig Muehler

“I am better able to assist others by identifying what is at the root of the response, and thereby allow them to have some control over the response that is better informed by their ‘noble goal.’” – Brian Stamm

“Yes, taking more time and being more reflective when discussing a emotionally charged issue, along the lines of the 6-second pause. The emotional temperature is lowered, insight increases, and we are able to work together toward a workable solution.”  – Michael Pumphrey

When asked about the importance of becoming more effective at change, 59% of the respondents rated it between highly and extremely important.  As individuals, change is challenging.  Multiplying that challenge by tens of thousands in a large organization, it takes strong insight and exceptional skill to make change successful.  The Six Seconds program provided a strong measure of each equipping these leaders to become more effective at this mission-critical process of transformation.  As a result, the chaplains became more effective change agents who could understand and manage the “red lines” of the Change MAP, the human dynamics that drive the success of change.

♣

Joshua Freedman, COO of Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Network (www.6seconds.org), is one of the world’s leading experts on applying emotional intelligence to improve performance. Freedman was one of the designers and master trainers for the program, along with Chaplain David Tubley, Tom Wojick, Mimi Frenette, and Marek Helstrom.  Six Seconds is grateful to Richard “Doc” Smith and the learning and development team at General Dynamics who helped manage the contracting of the Ministry Tools for Times of Change, and to Jonathan Frusti and Dr. Cash who helped initiate the project at the Corps’ schoolhouse.

 

Bringing emotional intelligence tools and skills into the leadership team assisted the Sheraton Studio City to rapidly and successfully transform into a top-performing property with #1 Sheraton ratings and a 24% increase in market share.

Background

In December, 2002, a new General Manager was taking over the Sheraton Studio City Hotel to increase profitability in the 302 room / 592 bed property.  Changes in the Orlando tourist market and numerous management changes over the previous years created a unique set of challenges.  Guest satisfaction scores were not at an acceptable level, sales were off, morale was low, and departments were not working together smoothly.  In the General Manager’s view, “We struggled to focus on the necessary changes, but territorial struggles and low morale seemed intractable.  We had difficulty even framing many of the issues.” The new General Manager, Grant Bannen, and his HR Director, Catherine Melnyk, invited a proposal from Six Seconds to assist with the turnaround.

 

Intervention

The Organizational Vital Signs climate assessment was used to pinpoint issues from an employee perspective — we delivered the survey over a 2-day period and presented results on the third day. The management team agreed to take action to improve three “hotspots” on the survey:  Collaboration (Teamwork), Trust, and Motivation.

Over the next 10 months, an expert from Six Seconds met with the management team for a total of 18 hours. The front desk team received similar training, and four other groups of line staff each had two 2-hour trainings. Each meeting focused on raising awareness and skills in one of the three “hotspot” areas.

Among other topics, the teams were taught an introduction to emotional intelligence, the Six Second Pause to manage reactions, Conditions of Satisfaction to increase accountability, a model for intrinsic motivation, and Emotional Awareness for improving employee and guest interactions.  The sessions emphasized the importance and value of emotions both for interfacing as a team, with employees, and with guests.  A consistent theme of the trainings was “Quality Comes from the Inside” under the premise that our internal state of affairs ultimately translates to how we deal with customers.  Using Six Seconds learning design, the majority of the trainings focused on experiential learning leading to meaningful dialogue and reflection.

Several of the leaders received one-to-one coaching ranging from two to twelve hours.  While the scope of the project did not include performance assessment, leaders were coached to have clear expectations of how managers and employees should treat one another, and that it might be necessary to replace managers who were not meeting expectations.  The General Manager replaced three managers, and the HR department conducted additional training on standards.  The management team increased on-the-job training and made extensive efforts to raise quality standards and expectations of employees.

 

Results

The organizational climate showed significant improvement in the Organizational Vital Signs survey and in qualitative review by the managers.  Among the improvements were:

The climate was noticed by guests.  Guest comment cards reflected three major themes — warmth, genuineness, and attention, with many comments coming in about the staff being proactive in meeting guest needs.  A few actual comments from the hundreds of examples from this final months of this initiative:

“Everyone’s so friendly and genuine!”

“The welcome was warm and would be difficult to improve.”

“The best thing is the attention from the staff.”

 

The climate improvement also correlated with significant bottom-line metrics.

In addition, the property was Sheraton’s number one rated vacation property in October and December of 2003 in all “staff friendliness” measures, with a 9.2 (out of 10) rating in December ‘03.  Overall satisfaction rated by guests at the hotel (ie., non email responses) was the hotel’s highest ever at 8.76 (exceeding Sheraton targets by 4%).

 

Conclusion

The significant improvements in the climate and the resulting business improvements are due to outstanding work on the part of the hotel’s executive team.  Mr. Bannen is a leader that people like to follow, he is driven by a commitment to superior service, and he formed a team that shares this passion.  So certainly the hotel would have improved over the year without the additional consulting.  In his words, though, “We might have been able to do it ourselves, but it certainly would not have happened as quickly and effectively if we hadn’t had the support of Joshua Freedman and the Six Seconds’ team.”

Mr. Bannen credited the process for increasing the focus and clarity of his team’s efforts: “The process helped uncover the underlying issues which hindered our performance. In many cases we were unaware of these issues, and each session with Six Seconds helped us move toward resolution and boost the positive momentum.  While it’s not a totally causal relationship, I think it is more than coincidental that our actual market share was 119.8% of our fair share in the last quarter.”

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This case was first published by Six Seconds 3/15/04 and was updated 6/9/11

Smarter About Feelings: Part Three
(download a pdf version)

Part One introduced the importance of emotional intelligence, and Part Two focused on understanding emotions and patterns (our typical reactions).  Now Part Three of this series explores how we can make a choice to respond rather than reacting.

My kids, Emma and Max, have had the same argument about 7 million times.  It goes about like this:

1. They’re playing and having a great time.
2. Max starts getting a little bored or rebellious so Emma tries to control the game to make it more fun.  He feels a bit squished by this, and acts out a little more.
3. Emma doesn’t like the way he’s messing around, and so she gets fiercer about the rules… and he gets more rebellious.
4. They explode, and eventually end up in time out.

Around step 2, it’s obvious (to me and their mom) that they are headed toward the explosion.  The momentum builds up and they both get more and more reactive.  The tension builds.  Like a train going faster, their fight gets going stronger and stronger. The longer it continues, it becomes harder and harder for them to “get off the train.”

I call this kind of situation a Trouble Train — it comes from following patterns that lead to a bigger mess.  The “trouble” could be time out or other consequence, or a fight, or even something more serious like stealing or hurting people or breaking something.  The “trouble” could also happen inside someone, like a deep sadness or volcano of anger turned against yourself.  Some Trouble Trains lead to hurt and sorrow, some lead to conflict, some lead to loneliness.  Some Trouble Trains are worse, they could lead to violence, or danger, or jail, or being kicked off a team.  While we can learn from these experiences, it would certainly be more pleasant to get off the train before it arrives at these destinations.

Have you ever found yourself in the middle a situation and you know it will to turn into a big mess?  You can feel it slipping out of control… and yet you keep going.  It’s as if you’re being pushed along this track; you know it’s going to lead to trouble, but it seems like there’s no choice.

What’s it like for you when that happens?  What is the trouble to which it leads you?

 

Or have you noticed that you often have the same kind of challenges over and over?  Maybe you have an argument with your brother or sister or friend… and you can see that same fight happens a lot?

 

When you’re in those situations, you are on the Trouble Train.

 

You can tell it’s a Trouble Train when:

1. You’ve been on this pathway before – your patterns of reacting are part of the fuel.
2. The situation will result in a consequence that you don’t want.

 

 

Next Stop: Trouble

Recently Emma and Max were on their usual Trouble Train, and I stopped them and asked:  “Do you notice you’re on a Trouble Train?”  “NO,” growled Emma fiercely trying to get back to her argument.  She was so focused on being right and “winning” the argument, she wasn’t noticing her reaction.

I can relate to this.  When I’m on the Trouble Train, I find it difficult to get off.  There seems to be a part of me that WANTS to keep the fight going.  For example, sometimes I have an argument with my wife and while I know it’s not making life better, I find myself saying just one more point.  Or sometimes I feel hurt and I want to hurt her back.  I’ve noticed the longer I am on the train, the harder it is to stop.  The energy builds up and up, and my feelings get more and more complicated.

So, an obvious solution is to stop the train fast.  When the reaction is just getting started the situation is not so intense.

Remember in the article “Decoding Emotions” where I wrote about patterns?  For example, maybe my pattern is:  When I feel hurt, I want to hurt the other person.  That one is a “Trouble Train” pattern for me, because when I follow the pattern I definitely get a consequence that I dislike.

When we know our patterns, it’s easier to notice and solve the problem BEFORE the train gets going fast.

Sometimes I feel a little hurt, then start getting a little argumentative.  The other person says something a bit harsher, and I say something back that’s a little mean.  They come back with something even meaner, and I want to hit them, but instead I say something really hurtful.  Pretty soon we’re both hurt and angry, and it’s really hard to work out the problem.

 

In those times, I probably am ignoring my own feelings.  I feel a little hurt, but I don’t pay attention to that important message, and so I push ahead.  Fortunately, I’ve learned that I have this pattern and I’ve come to recognize that it’s a Trouble Train.  So now, sometimes, when I notice myself feeling a little hurt and wanting a little revenge, I can say, “Hey!  This is NOT the train I want to take…”

If I notice when I feel just a tiny bit hurt, I can choose a different train.  I could solve the problem pretty easily by having a calm conversation, such as:

“When you said ____, I felt hurt.  Did you mean to hurt my feelings?  Maybe we can take a break and talk about this in a friendly way in a few minutes?”

Remember, just like real trains, Trouble Trains get going faster as you ride them longer.  So:  The sooner I can notice that I’m on a Trouble Train, the easier it will be to get off!

How about you?

Is it hard for you to notice yourself on a Trouble Train?

What feelings “push” you onto a Trouble Train?

What feelings make the train go even faster?

If you could avoid getting on your Trouble Train, how would that help you?

Good news!  By carefully noticing your feelings when they’re small, you can discover a wonderful secret::  You do not have to get on the Trouble Train.

However, even if you do get on, there’s still hope.  You can stop the train before you reach real trouble.

 

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Next Stop: Choice

Ideally, you notice your feelings and patterns before the train even gets going, but sometimes we all get on the train.  There’s some good news:

You don’t have to stay on the Trouble Train!

The first step is to notice you’re on that train again.  Then, once you notice you’re on a Trouble Train, what can you do?

As I said, part of you might want to keep it going, but part of you might want to get off. Just KNOWING that you have a choice is a powerful tool.  There’s a skill called Exercising Optimism that helps this.  If you are feeling helpless and hopeless, you might not believe that you have any choice.  In those times, it’s useful to remember that many times in the past you have been in difficult situations and found your way through.   Also, since nothing lasts forever, this situation will change too.  Maybe you can’t fix everything, but what is SOMETHING you can do?  What is one small step you could take?

It can also be extra complicated in a situation with other people.  Maybe you want to stop the train, but they are still pushing it forward.  Sometimes when you try to make them stop, the situation seems to get worse, so instead of trying to stop the whole thing, just get yourself off.  When you take responsibility for your own choices, that can make it much easier for others to do the same.

One tool for getting off the train is called the Six Second Pause.  The purpose is to slow down your reaction and let the emotional energy relax a moment.  It works because the chemicals of emotion inside our brains and bodies only last about six seconds.  Normally when we have strong feelings, we keep producing more and more of the feeling molecules.  But if we can stop for a short moment, the flood of chemicals slows down.  The trick with a Six Second Pause is to refocus your brain by shifting attention from the emotional part (the “limbic brain”) to the analytical part of your brain (called the “Cortex”).  Your Cortex loves to put ideas in order, break ideas apart, and to use symbols like math or language.  So, invite your Cortex to the party by doing things it likes, such as:

Solve six math problems.

Remember six words in a foreign language.

Put six favorite songs in alphabetical order.

List six TV characters.

…

 

Another key to stopping the train is the fact that you have multiple emotions.  I wrote about this in the previous chapter.  Maybe you feel sad and worried and mad and those feelings are big – they’re taking center stage right in the spotlight.  At the very same time, maybe you feel caring and committed, but those feelings are hiding in the background.  Bring them into the light!  Don’t let a few of your feelings run the show, invite the others to join.

For example, maybe you are sad about a friend leaving town.  Do you have any other feelings?  How about happy to have such a good friend?  Worried about if you’re going to stay close?  Excited about when you’ll see them again?

Simply recognizing that you have these other feelings can begin to change your emotions.  You can intensify the more constructive or useful feelings by naming them, and remembering why you have those feelings.  You can intensify any feeling by focusing on it.

Try this!  See if you can change your feelings just by focusing on them.

Think of situation where you were annoyed.  Remember the annoying details and see if you can feel more annoyed.

Now, this of something funny, and focus on that.  See if you can feel more of that silly feeling.

How about sad?  Worried?  Curious?  Happy?

See?  You can change your feelings!

 

–

–

Less Fuel

In an old-fashioned steam train, when you shovel more coal into the fire, the train runs faster.  What thoughts, feelings, and actions fuel your Trouble Train?  You can slow the train by adding opposite thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Here are other techniques for reducing the intensity of the fire:

Heart Breathing: Breathe slowly in counting six full seconds, then breathe out completely over another slow six second count.  As you are breathing, focus your attention on your heart, and imagine your heart slowing to a calm beat.

Glow:  Imagine yourself filling up with cool, beautiful light.  Imagine the light flowing out your fingers.

Warm Layers of Feelings: You might be irritated or hurt or impatient AND underneath that you might have other feelings that are warm and gentle.  Notice those gentle feelings and focus on them to make them stronger.

Cotton Candy:  Imagine your feelings are like wisps of energy around your body.  Imagine scooping up the wisps like they are cotton candy and squeezing them into a yummy treat you can enjoy.

Shrinking:  Name your feelings and give them a score from 0 (not present) to 10 (overwhelmingly strong).  Imagine these feelings as a ball – imagine the shape, size, and color (e.g., maybe you’re angry and scared, it’s an 8 in intensity, and you imagine a spiky black and red ball as big as a house).  Breathe slowly in and out, and each time you breathe out, imagine your breath cooling the ball causing it to get a little smaller and lighter in color.  Imagine this for 30 seconds.  Now how intense are the feelings?

 

–

–

Staying Off

One of the best ways to solve the Trouble Train problem is to stay off in the first place!  There are always disappointments, differences of opinion, and challenges that could put you on the train, but there are other ways of responding.

If you know your usual Trouble Train (or Trains!!) then it will be easier to avoid them.  Maybe you can find a different train that goes someplace more fun?

For example, suppose you have a pattern “When I feel bored, I act annoying to get attention,” and this leads you to a Trouble Train.  The moment you begin to feel a little bored, consider:  Is there another train I could choose to take?  Not because someone else is “making me,” but because I want to?

Could I connect with someone?  Amuse myself?  Learn something new?  Do some exercise?  Read?  Draw?  Write?

What might happen next?

 

cartoon used with permission from lillyarts.com

 

.::.

©2011 Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds (www.6seconds.org). All Rights Reserved.  Illustrations by Logoxid.

Thank you to Emma and Max for being patient about my sharing their “Trouble Train” challenges and for their ideas in the “less fuel” section.

.::.

In January, 2009, Flight 1549 crash-landed on the Hudson River in New York — Ric Elias was in the front row.  This is a compelling 5-min TED Talk about what went through his head once he realized the plane was going to crash.  It will be no surprise that these moments were about what really matters — and it turns out that what really matters are the important relationships in our lives.  Yet most of us, most days, focus elsewhere… we put our energy into the “small stuff” and so often let these important relationships sit on the back burner.  Ric says he’s made some significant changes in his life after this realization.

Do we need to wait to be on a crashing plane to make this shift?

One of the great pleasures of my work is meeting amazing people from all over the world, individuals deeply committed to making a positive difference in the world, and willing to do the work to change from within. Sometimes I get the sense that the world is going in a bad direction, but then I reconnect with “ordinary” extraordinary people who are full of wisdom and heart. Here are two compelling videos from our recent EQ Advanced Trainer Certification; we’re calling these “Noble Goal Talks” because of the blend of head+heart+hands:

One of my most treasured experiences in this work is learning and relearning that we are all in a small life raft together.  Travel is fabulous, and even more is the kind of travel of like-hearted adventures together in a the chance encounters of wonder and hope.  Earlier this year it was walking the quiet morning streets of Brisbane with two amazing leaders from Japan.  Tonight is was sitting by the “river” in the Madinat Souk, eating Persian food with a dear old friend and a dear new one, all three of us far from our own and disparate homes, dreaming together of the possibilities of bringing EQ even more alive, in even more places.

There is so much struggle, so many challenges — and at the same time so many genuinely good people doing their part, and more, to connect and support positive change.    I just wanted to say thank you to the many many of you I’ve met.

[PS.  I didn’t take this picture, click to see it on flickr]

A powerful piece on why most efforts to transform education, society, and business is not-quite-working “Yet while we are trapped within this amputated view of human nature, a richer and deeper view is coming back into view.”

Here’s an excerpt –

For the past 30 years we’ve tried many different ways to restructure our educational system — trying big schools and little schools, charters and vouchers — that, for years, skirted the core issue: the relationship between a teacher and a student.

I’ve come to believe that these failures spring from a single failure: reliance on an overly simplistic view of human nature. We have a prevailing view in our society — not only in the policy world, but in many spheres — that we are divided creatures. Reason, which is trustworthy, is separate from the emotions, which are suspect. Society progresses to the extent that reason can suppress the passions.

This has created a distortion in our culture. We emphasize things that are rational and conscious and are inarticulate about the processes down below. We are really good at talking about material things but bad at talking about emotion.

When we raise our kids, we focus on the traits measured by grades and SAT scores. But when it comes to the most important things like character and how to build relationships, we often have nothing to say. Many of our public policies are proposed by experts who are comfortable only with correlations that can be measured, appropriated and quantified, and ignore everything else.

Yet while we are trapped within this amputated view of human nature, a richer and deeper view is coming back into view. It is being brought to us by researchers across an array of diverse fields: neuroscience, psychology, sociology, behavioral economics and so on.

This growing, dispersed body of research reminds us of a few key insights. First, the unconscious parts of the mind are most of the mind, where many of the most impressive feats of thinking take place. Second, emotion is not opposed to reason; our emotions assign value to things and are the basis of reason. Finally, we are not individuals who form relationships. We are social animals, deeply interpenetrated with one another, who emerge out of relationships.

He goes on to discuss some of the foundations of this idea – doesn’t call it “Emotional Intelligence,” but certainly aligns with Six Seconds’ approach that we need to integrate reason and emotion to make optimal decisions.

The New Humanism

By DAVID BROOKS

 

Evenings, weekends, whatever it takes to get the job done. I resist the word “obsessed.” “Committed” sounds much better. “It is only work,” a friend quips one night as I head back to the office. Only? In so many ways my identity is my work — I am what I do.

So with passion and purpose I dive into another project. Sometimes I notice that after I finish one, there are at least two more on my “to do” list. It reminds me of that Greek hero — perhaps Hercules? — slaying the hydra; each time he cut one head off, two more grew in its place. Finally, a sad but beautiful truth dawns: I can work 24/7 every day of my life — every day of three lifetimes — and I will still not be done with my work.

It is genuinely a sad truth because I believe in my work; I know that I am making the world a better place for our children.

It is a beautiful truth because it sets me free to live the life in which I genuinely believe. A life where I am what I do — and where what I do includes work, family, friends, spirit, nature, health, etc. I have long said to myself and others that my values include balance, that family comes first, that I need time out to “sharpen the saw” (Covey) — but when “I just need to finish this project,” it is so easy to slip from living those values.

I am privileged — In addition to the joy of work that I love, I have a family that I love, hobbies, commitments, and relationships that sustain me outside of work. So all those times when have I said, “Hon, I need to work late this week to finish a project,” I have felt conflict; while I wanted to live a complete life, I also wanted to complete my work. Every time I found myself working nonstop, I recognized that I was compromising my values but justifying that based on the importance of my work.

The recognition that I will not finish all my work eliminates my best excuse for failing to live my values. Since I will not finish anyway, how can I justify leaving my wife and baby girl alone at night?

Of course there still are some deadlines which I need to meet. I might stay up late writing an article for Priorities, for example, but I do not do so in a systematic way. These late nights are now the exception, not the rule.

Another obvious — but stunning — result of realizing that I will not finish all the work is that I am forced to re-prioritize on a regular basis. If I pretend that I will get through everything on the “to do” (which is usually 3 pages long), then I can pick whatever item is easy to start. Usually those are the most fun, most visible, or most something. Once I realize that I will not get them all done, I have to pick strategically.

There is something uniquely satisfying about crossing items off the to do list when the have been done. While that’s still my favorite to-do activity, the new parts of my strategic to-do process are almost as good: I move items from “to do” over to “good ideas.” I move items from my “to do” over to other people’s. I also throw some away — which has gotten to be almost as much fun as crossing them off. It is a game I play with myself to write everything down then get rid of most of it.

The result is a “to do” list that consists of more “keystone” pieces. These are the tasks on which other people’s work will hinge. If I get a seminar scheduled, someone else can get money in the door. If I get our team to Africa, someone there can build his program. There are a couple of goals that may help you pick the keystone tasks:

1. Multiply your efforts. Will this task allow other people to pick up the ball? Though it means giving up “control,” it also means giving empowerment.

2. Multiply your outcomes. Which pieces of work can be used again in multiple ways? Can this effort become part of many projects?

3. Multiply your benefits. Which pieces have both short term and long term benefits?

4. Play to your forte. Is this something which will be far more effective, faster and easier for you to do than another person?

5. Let your team be strong. Like taking pieces that fit your forte, give away pieces that let others shine.

6. There is not enough time to do all the work.

7. There will be more.

“There will be more” is my way of holding fast to number six. Once I have such a strong to-do list, I may find it seducing me — the lure of crossing out those items is strong. Then I will be done! Except I won’t be. The other piece of “there will be more” is that sometimes I feel at loose ends, like there are not clear strategic steps to take. So at those times it is important for me to remember that there will be plenty more work for me.

Like learning any new skill, I frequently fail in my commitment to remember that there is not enough time. Each failure is an opportunity to learn the lesson more deeply — and perhaps by the time I retire I will have mastered these techniques.

Some managers hear “tell everyone to do less” and immediately leap to the conclusion that if they admit that there is not enough time to do all this work, their teams will fall apart. Running fast makes everyone look necessary. They see a highly productive work force is one that works a lot — the more hours working the more work gets done — and use “finishing” as the major motivator of their employees.

The reality is that more work is not more productive. One of my colleagues in the EQ field, Esther Orioli, once told me the number one issue that she addresses is excessive overtime. We have all seen those organizations where it is devastating to possible promotion if you leave before nine or ten o’clock — so how motivated are those employees to work efficiently? If I am going to be there ’till 10, I know I am not going to bust my chops all morning!

You can see the culture of overwork around the water cooler. Organizations where overwork is the norm, people like to complain about how late they were working. They hang out getting coffee and talk about overwork for a half an hour, then go write a couple emails about it, and then discuss it some more. After they have ensured that they will not get the day’s work done before nine, then it is safe to dig in.

Imagine if we adopted the Swedish view of work hours: People who work past closing time are considered inefficient. What would happen if you created a work culture which says, “If you can not get a day’s work in before 5, you must be having trouble prioritizing”? Obviously there is something awesome people being willing to work 80 hours per week — but we can not pretend that there are not also costs. On a personal level, what happens to an efficient worker’s productivity and motivation when she watches her colleague collect overtime as a reward for being inefficient?

In terms of motivation, I am clear that task completion is motivating for me. I hate to be so banal, but I do like crossing things off my list. I like going to staff meetings and showing everyone how many of my tasks are done. But research on motivation suggests that it is not so much the well-worn list that is affecting me. In fact, some researchers claim that the real motivating factor is a sense of belonging. So maybe walking in with my tatty list is a way of ensuring that I have a place at the table.

It is through the balance of all areas of my life that each is enriched; when I provide time to live my values, I bring my love to work and am far more powerful — and when I bring my purpose home, I am a better father. In the end, what motivates me is a sense that I am doing good and important work in the company of others doing the same. And if all I do is work, I quickly lose touch with the true importance of what I am doing. It is through my time with family, friends, nature — it is through frisbee on the beach, through a candle lit dinner, through giggling with the baby that I see that I am contributing to something truly good and important.

 

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This article first appeared on www.6seconds.org 7.1.01