Writing

Last night I was talking with Daniel Goleman about our upcoming webinar during the 24EQ Virtual Conference — his session is leveraging emotional intelligence to create environmental and business sustainability.  Here’s how to sign up – http://www.eventbrite.com/event/3471067055 – some seats are still available and the event is free. I highly recommend this!

Dan mentioned that people who are happier consume less.  Yet so often people talk about “retail therapy” and how shopping makes them feel better.  It reminded me of this photo I took this week at a mall here in Kuala Lumpur – shown to the right.  ”Shoes make me happy.  I’m superficial.  Whatever.”

But Goleman’s data suggests otherwise.  What do you think?  Can real happiness be found in a shoe shop?  ”I’ll take a pair of the gold slides, size happy…”

I suspect that people, especially women in this case, are being “sold a bill of goods” along with the shoes — with a pervasive message that the yearning we feel from a void in meaning and connection is a signal to shop.

Last week in Japan my translator asked, “when you say, ‘reflection,’ what do you mean?”  Midori said she couldn’t find a Japanese word that matched what I seemed to be talking about.

It’s something I love about travel — and about parenting — I have opportunities to look at something so familiar, so known, that I don’t know it.  ”Reflection” is a word I use often, it’s part of our Change MAP and central to the skills of Know Yourself in the Six Seconds Model.  But what does it actually mean?  Midori said that when she looked it up, “reflection” seemed to focus on something mirror-like, an image showing itself again in a smooth surface.  Apparently it comes from Latin “reflex” or “bending back.”  What does this have to do with noticing one’s own reactions?

When we look in a mirror, we see ourselves – not the real self, but an image that we can step back and observe.  Perhaps this is akin to a state of internal reflection:  Rather than being in the movie, we are watching the movie.  A process of noticing, of “bending back” to see oneself.

The paradox is that in the process of self-reflection, I believe we are trying to see what’s “more real” than what’s apparent on the surface.  Maybe though the lens of a mirror we’re able not just to see, but to study?

What do you think?  What does “reflection” mean in the context of self-awareness?  What does this internal seeing have to do with mirror-like-ness?

From a gift of jet lag, I’ve been up early the last few days and have enjoyed long walks around Ginza, here in Tokyo.  I love watching this huge city waking up.  Since the tsunami, Japan’s economy is slowly recovering. As in many places in the world in this “hopefully post-recessionary” period, it’s a challenge.  Particularly in light of their long rollercoaster of prosperity and challenge in the last decades, the current slow economy is weighing on people.

The complexities of global economic recovery are far beyond my scope, but what I know is that ultimately the fuel for all enterprise is human spirit.  And on my walks, I’ve seen many signs that tell me Japan is on track.

While there are certainly many very serious ways of analyzing the human side of economies, what I’m observing are “small” interactions that signal something deep and important about the future.

People greet strangers in the elevator.

It’s not everyone, but often strangers say hello, “O-hayo goziamasu” and bow.  In many big cities, there is a destructive level of dehumanization, people don’t see one another.  Here these small moments of greeting signify a deep cultural value for shared humanity.  When people remember that we’re all in the lifeboat together, that interdependence creates support and strength.

The workers in the garden perform calisthenics together.

In crisis, we tend to become totally task focused, totally results driven.  The heroic call to arms has value, but it’s not a sustainable.  These small rituals of “warming up” show a culture where the process is valued along with the product.  Yes, we need results, but economic success is a marathon, not a sprint.

People laugh at little.

Two people talk at once, or step into an elevator together, and they laugh – even giggle.  While Japanese business people tend to appear extremely serious (dressed in the ubiquitous black suit and somewhat stoic expression), joy is just around the corner.  People here have a ready smile, and this sparkle generates connection and energy.

Children are cherished.

There are not a huge number of babies here, but when you see one, it’s also easy to see the joy and regard young children are given.  People stop and smile and wave — and seem genuinely grateful for each new life.  This represents a fundamental optimism and valuing of the future, which is the catalyst for all change.

Lights are dimmed.

Over a year after the tsunami, here in this huge city, there are many lights and escalators left off, and aircon is set to a more modest temperature.  People are willing to sacrifice their person comfort for the greater good.  In the end, change requires not just good intention, but commitment.  It is work to make a better future.

 

It’s a fascinating place, and these is so much to say — but I hope these observations serve to spark your thoughts about signs of human spirit in the economy wherever you are walking.

What do you truly want?  And what would you give to find that?

Emotional intelligence is a resource we all have, but it’s hard to use this capability without a process, a roadmap.  In the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, there are three “pursuits” forming a process framework that enables people to be more effective by tapping the power and wisdom of feelings.  The first two pursuits are reasonably straightforward, albeit enormously challenging to accomplish consistently.  The third is a paradox that many find contradictory… yet it’s what makes the model transformational.  The first two are:

Know Yourself means tuning into our own feelings and behaviors, and seeing the links between our feelings, thoughts, and actions.  This requires a mindfulness and compassionately honest self reflection that’s extremely rare in a fast-paced world.

Choose Yourself means pausing to evaluate the data gathered from “Know Yourself,” and shifting from “reaction” to “response.”  To show up intentionally requires a delicate balance of self-discipline and self-acceptance — being our real selves honestly, and also being better each day.

To some, the third pursuit  sounds like weakness, but it’s actually the more powerful.  It’s a kind of super-charger on the engine of the model — it moves Six Seconds EQ from “nice to have” to “need to have.”  We call the third pursuit “Give Yourself,” and it’s about serving your purpose.  In the first two pursuits, we build awareness and then create intentional responses.  But what are we using that awareness and intention for?

In Give Yourself we ensure our steps are actually going someplace worthwhile.  It’s about connecting with others and the larger world, finding unique purpose and serving it.

Sometimes people react to the term “Give Yourself” because it might sound “too nice,” but actually it’s an intensely practical process.  The reality is that without this, we rarely get what we want; we wear armor that is an illusion of protection that only serves to isolate us.  Give Yourself is the way we get what we actually want instead of simply exercising the hedonic treadmill, endlessly pouring our lives into a bottomless pit of self-gratification or chasing external validation.

The central paradox is that when we are “taking” and “protecting” or even “striving” and “winning,” we usually get the opposite of what we truly want; but when we give, we get.  This principle defies the carefully constructed economists logic used to drive markets and industries and nations vying for dominance — yet it’s no less true.  When we’re focused on taking, we never have enough, we are never enough, and we are profoundly alone.  When we are giving there is abundance, we are more than enough (which is why we can give), and we are deeply connected.

Seth Godin recently wrote about this paradox and how the web actually amplifies the results of “Giving Yourself” (and of taking) — he calls Philanthropists the ones who give more, and Bandits the ones who take more:

The fascinating thing for me is how much more successful and happy the philanthropists are. It turns out that when you make the world smaller, you get to keep more of what you’ve got, but you end up earning a lot less (respect, connections, revenue) at the same time.

Does this match your experience?  Are those who focus on taking for themselves, in the end, less connected, less whole, less happy?  Does the attitude and action of genuine giving somehow unlock a sense of belonging and feeling of place in a larger world?

If that’s not enough, it turns our this commitment will also get you ahead in your career. New research we’re analyzing now, looking at over 27,000 individuals globally in terms of emotional intelligence scores:  Generally, more senior leaders have higher EQ (this is not a surprise since EQ is predictive of career success — hired for IQ, promoted for EQ).  The surprise, perhaps, is that the single EQ competency with the greatest gap is in Give Yourself, specifically the capability to Pursue Noble Goals.  In fact, those in the top band of the competency are almost twice as likely to be in the most senior organizational roles.

There is an element of giving that’s about generosity, an element about self-fulfillment… there is also a significant component of empathy.  When we emotionally connect with others, we recognize a fundamental shared humanity — we know we’re all in the same lifeboat.  It’s this connection that links giving to both happiness and performance.

In a fascinating TED talk (video is below), Michael Norton discusses a number of studies on the finance of happiness.  You CAN buy happiness, he asserts — it’s just not the type of transaction most of us imagine when we here that phrase.  The paradox of giving.

While many people will accept this “give to get” notion in their private lives (or at least in a church/temple/mosque), it seems to be a huge leap for modern entrepreneurs to see the value.  Yet some companies attract and retain great talent because their work matters.  Others have created a culture of mutual win that supports excellence — in Norton’s research, when an individual is given a €15 incentive for himself, the company generates €4.5 in value (a lost of over €10)… but when he’s given €15 to give to the benefit of others, the company returns a massive €78 in value (a 520% ROI).  Imagine creating a climate of giving in your company — a culture where people genuinely, spontaneously, and regularly exercise generosity!

Finally, in another forthcoming White Paper, we did a study of private bankers.  One might expect those who are financially driven and focused on their own success to make the most.  But again, the EQ competency of Pursue Noble Goals proves to be a strong predictor of the total wealth each banker has under her/his management.  Those in the group with the largest investment funds have over 30% higher scores on “Pursue Noble Goals” than their lower-performing colleagues.  The higher performers also showed nearly 25% higher scores on the self-awareness skill we call “Recognize Patterns.”

Those who give of themselves, those who serve a compelling purpose, are happier and are more often in senior positions.  They motivate others and build economic as well as social value.   So how do we integrate that into our lives?  Do we need to accumulate wealth so we can give it?  While people and companies frequently say they need to “do well in order to do good,” it turns out that actual abundance is probably not the source of giving.

While we might expect those who are well off to be more empathic and generous, some research suggests the opposite.  It is true that very wealthy give extensively (and the largest philanthropic donations do come from some fabulously wealthy patrons) there are many studies indicating that in proportion to their means, those with less actually give more.

What, then, is required?  Having more doesn’t seem to be the answer — instead we need to teach people to connect to their own and others’ emotions.  What awareness and skills can we build that allow people to transcend ego and connect with their larger vision?  And, especially to do so when they’re in times of stress and challenge?  Perhaps one reason the Six Seconds Model is so powerful is that it provides a process to shift toward this way of engaging — to align what we’re doing and how we’re responding to our own most significant goals.

***

What is the label you’d put on the blue dot in the middle of this graphic?

I saw something along these lines on Facebook and thought I’d make my own version — together with Max Ghini & Lorenzo Fariselli from Six Seconds Europe, we used this as a tool for strategic planning (by making lists for each circle then deciding what work fits the “blue dot zone”).  Our India friends might label this “Karmabhumi” (the workspace that fulfills karma) — what else could we call it?  Am I the only one thinking it’s odd we don’t have a word for this kind of work that’s prosperous, purposeful, powerful, and meaningful (couldn’t think of a 4th “p” word for “meeting a need” – I’m losing my touch!)

Isn’t homework is essential for getting kids to internalize skills and become solid in their new learning?  Keeps them busy and out of trouble… and no harm in that, right?

Research says it’s not so clear that it helps… and the social-emotional effects may be grave.  Here’s an excerpt from a new article in the  Washington Post: Why we’re getting the homework question wrong

Two recent studies have fueled a growing debate over how much homework is too much, and whether it has any benefit at all. They reached different conclusions. One study, published by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, presented findings that are consistent with about a century of scientific analysis on homework; that is, it concluded that homework offers no benefits for elementary and middle school children. In contrast, the second study found the opposite to be true. In that investigation, spending more than two hours a night doing homework led British students to achieve better results in English, math and science.

The article (by Vicki Abeles, a mother, activist, and director of the documentary “Race to Nowhere”) goes on to talk about the point that there ARE downsides, especially socially and emotionally.  My own experience is that homework is a major stressor on families as well as children… yet when I was a teacher, I gave homework, and sometimes a lot (though it was almost always either meaningful reading or project work).

Abeles’ conclusion is critical:  We need to consider what we really want for our children / students — and then create policies that support these goals.  So often our practices (in education and families, as well as in businesses & government) actually undermine our real goals… and if we’re not very clear on what we want, it seems very unlikely that we can make it happen.  As the article concludes, we’ve got to ask the right questions about homework (and everything else):

Do we want our children to grow up to be whole, thriving adults who have held onto their innate joy of learning and discovery? Or do we want to teach them it’s only work we value—and not health, family, balance, creativity and fun? We don’t need an academic study to reach the right conclusion on that.

So your homework  assignment:  Discuss with your team, your family, your community:  What are the most important goals for children, and what needs to change to ensure those goals are supported?  What are we doing now that’s undermining the goals?  What can we do instead?

This is an outrageously cool example of great learning — head, heart, and hands all together.  Real questions, real challenge, and real meaning — not “dumbed down.”  Imagine if all our teachers had this depth of insight and “spark of genius” to engage students this deeply… it’s SO POSSIBLE to give children this gift and meet our responsibility to the future.  Three great quotes:

“Mr. Hunter, he’s a brain stretcher.”

“One of the things I learned is that other people matter – one person can’t win, everyone has to win.”

“I hereby declare this world peace game WON” — isn’t it time?

A film by Chris Farina. More at Rosalia Films.

I was speaking on a panel a few years ago about development.  The other panelists were focused on meeting needs such as food and shelter, what we often call “basic needs.”  Is emotional intelligence also a basic need?  To answer, consider:  What happens if people don’t have the skills to make good decisions, to connect with others, to motivate themselves, to solve interpersonal challenges?

Often we consider needs as hierarchal, but maybe needs are actually cyclical, interlocked, or overlapping.  Some needs are easy to understand, if you go without any fluids for a day, you know the need for water.  But what happens when you go without love, or peace, or self-awareness?  It’s less clear, somehow, but perhaps as compelling?

Over the years, many people have asked for more ways to learn about our approach without having to travel — while our in-person training is transformational, it’s not accessible to everyone.  Companies have asked us to share Six Seconds’ content through their elearning, but we’ve not done much in this space because most elearning is so one-dimensional, linear… in a word, boring.  But there SHOULD be a way to share insights online and connect people globally with EQ… we do it with articles, could we make an even more intimate and “real” way of sharing?

I think we’ve found a way, and I hope you’ll test it out and let us know how to make it even better – you can get see some of the videos on the site, and get a free trial for more!

“FreedmanTV” is an interactive online channel about using emotional intelligence to get better results in business and life. It’s made of many short videos answering questions.  I suspect it will work because it has 3 key ingredients…

Bite sized:  The clips are 2-4 minutes, each on a specific question.

You drive:  The system automatically suggests new videos based on what you type and what you ask — so you “create your own adventure,” making a dynamic learning experience.

We connect:  The producers have made near-broadcast quality video — so while we might not be able to be in the room together, at least there is an immediacy and subtlety to the medium.   Plus, you can type questions and interact right there in the online community and I can respond in text or in a new video.

I’m uncomfortable being “self promotional” and so I’ll stop there — but I do hope you’ll check it out and let us know!

Here is a video answering the question, “What is Leadership?”  My answer is based on our Vital Signs Model:

Intriguing article in the Wall Street Journal: Educating the Next Steve Jobs — points out that a narrowly defined pathway to “success” where failure is anathema is the recipe for conformity, not innovation.

In most high-school and college classes, failure is penalized. But without trial and error, there is no innovation. Amanda Alonzo, a 32-year-old teacher at Lynbrook High School in San Jose, Calif., who has mentored two Intel Science Prize finalists and 10 semifinalists in the last two years—more than any other public school science teacher in the U.S.—told me, “One of the most important things I have to teach my students is that when you fail, you are learning.” Students gain lasting self-confidence not by being protected from failure but by learning that they can survive it.

In a related recent post, Massimiliano Ghini (our Director of Global Strategy), wrote about the challenge of a climate for innovation in business:  ”We all know that the key to increase our competitiveness is innovation, but in the current reality of increased pressure and failure, change fails and innovation falls behind.  How can we unblock the creative thinking in this scenario?”  Max is identifying a very similar challenge as the conformist school dichotomy:

When we create a “pressure cooker” climate, we don’t get innovation… yet at the same time we have an urgent pressure to generate results.

How do we balance these two?  We get so caught in “rules” and “SOPs” and a kind of contratual approach that the sense of wonder and spontaneity shrivels.  One way to sustain innovation to shift our understanding of “work” and stop treating it as a negative, unpleasant experience.  What if a kids at school, or teammembers at work, can’t actually tell the difference between “work” and “play”?

One of my favorite aspects of Six Seconds’ Synapse School is the sense of wonder and creativity you experience just walking in the door.  Recently I heard a child visitor tell her parents how she wished she could go school in a place that was so full of energy.  While there are classes, and while there’s “work” happening, the whole place is bursting with the energy of play.  While there is a robust structure and a clear focus, there is also a kind of “joyful anarchy” that is palpable.

At Synapse, there’s a room near the entrance which is full of “Kapla” blocks: simple, flexible, flat, wooden rectangles pictured above.  There’s a kind of constant evolution in the room, and I’m amazed every time I see what the kids are creating.  This is the spirit I’d love to see in every place of work and learning.  A place of contribution and shared creation bound by care, not by compliance.  I asked one boy, around 9 years old, “What happens when you run out of blocks, do you have rules about which buildings you take apart?”  He looked surprised, and answered:  ”No, we just respect on another’s work.”