How can kids and grown-ups work together to change the world?” – ”Kid President” Robby Novak

The most important thing we can all do is treat each other with kindness and respect. Kids, they can learn right away, in school and the playground to be nice to each other. If you see a kid being picked on you make sure you stand up for him. And you treat everybody fairly, no matter what they look like or where they’re from and if you start learning to do that as kids, and everybody is respectful and nice to each other, then when they grow up they’ll be doing the same thing and we’ll have a lot fewer problems.” – President Obama

 

Let’s leave partisan vitriol aside of one minute and consider:  What if we actually followed this advice?

Here’s a little more about the Kid President story.

It reminds me of this amazing video from The Dalai Lama Center for Peace — because unfortunately, even when the President of the United States says it’s the most important thing,  it’s not enough to simply say, “let’s treat each other with kindness and respect.”  If we mean it, we have to learn it.  Practice it. Teach it.  First to ourselves.  Then to others.

The post The Most Important Thing appeared first on Six Seconds.

White Paper: Linking bottom line performance to emotional intelligence and organizational climate

by Lorenzo Fariselli, Joshua Freedman and Massimiliano Ghini in collaboration with Fabio Barnabè and Erika Paci of Gruppo Amadori 

Abstract

A three-year study of AMADORI, a supplier of McDonald’s in Europe, assesses links between emotional intelligence, individual performance, organizational engagement, and organizational performance.  Emotional intelligence was found to predict 47% of the variation in manager’s performance management scores.  Emotional intelligence was also massively correlated with increased organizational engagement with 76% of the variation in engagement predicted by manager EQ.  Finally, plants with higher organizational engagement achieved higher bottom-line results building a link between EQ->Engagement->Performance.  During this period, employee turnover also dropped by 63%.

 

Introduction

Many studies have identified the importance of employee engagement, others the value of emotional intelligence.  This paper provides a unique intersection of three factors:  Performance, Engagement, and Emotional Intelligence:

  

 The study answers three questions:

• Does Emotional intelligence affect Individual Performance?
• Does Emotional Intelligence affect Organization Engagement? 
• Does Organizational Engagement impact Organizational Performance?

To answer these questions the HR team at AMADORI, a major player in Europe’s food industry, and Six Seconds’ researchers conducted a multi-year study to assess these variables. 

Background

Amadori is one of the leading companies in the Italian agro-food sector, an innovative company and an industry benchmark for meat processing. The turnover in 2011 was over 1.2 billion euros. Founded forty years ago in San Vittore di Cesena, the group relies on collaboration with over 6,000 workers and has industrial plants, subsidiaries and branches all over Italy.  A supplier of poultry to McDonalds in several countries in Europe  Amadori is subject to intense market pressure which requires constant innovation.  

An internal analysis in 2007 led the senior leadership to focus on people management and development as a strategic priority.  The Human Resources department was charged with leading transformation.  In the words of HR Director Paolo Pampanini, “Managers, in particular, considered the renewal a business priority in order to achieve tighter integration among different business areas, better communication processes and sharing of information and mainly support management growth in terms of the development of personnel.” 

In 2008, the HR team evaluated the company’s performance management process, and determined that a key ingredient for success would be integrating emotional intelligence into the leadership culture.  The company created a new performance management process along with “The Amadori Academy” to focus on practical, real-world training.  

Pampanini and the leadership team identified two key goals:  

1.   Application of the company’s competencies to be stronger as a learning organization.
2.   Development of a manager-coach perspective where managers guide and support  the development of employees with the use of feedback and individual development plans.  

In 2009, the company partnered with Six Seconds, The Emotional Intelligence Network, to develop stronger people-leadership skills for managers.  The goal was for top and middle managers to have new “emotional intelligence” skills and insights that would enable them to lead the complex changes that were underway.  In 2011, the project expanded to measure organizational engagement in all of Amadori’s plants.

The project timeline:

Tools

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional Intelligence was measured with the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment (SEI).[1]

The SEI is based on the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence consisting of eight core competencies divided into three macro areas:  

• Self Awareness, called “Know Yourself” includes two competencies: Enhance Emotional Literacy and Recognize Patterns. 
• Self Management, called “Choose Yourself” includes four competencies:  Apply Consequential Thinking, Navigate Emotions, Engage Intrinsic Motivation, Exercise Optimism.
• The Self Direction area, called “Give Yourself,” includes Increase Empathy and Pursue Noble Goals. 

The assessment provides and overall EQ score plus scores for each of the three macro areas and each of the eight competencies for a total of 12 normative values.

 

Organizational Engagement

Organizational Engagement was measured with OVS (Organizational Vital Signs), a statistically reliable research process to pinpoint areas assisting and interfering with growth and bottom-line success. 

There are five key drivers in the Vital Signs Model: Trust, Motivation, Change, Teamwork, and Execution.

According to the Vital Signs Manual[2], a high performing organizational climate is driven by these five factors:

Trust.  People have a sense of safety and assurance so they’ll take risks, share, innovate, and go beyond their own comfort zones.

Motivation.  People need to feel energized and committed to doing more than the minimum requirement.

Change.  Employees and the institution are adaptable and innovative.

Teamwork.  People feel collaboration and communicate to take on the challenges.

Execution.  Individuals are both focused and accountable.

The OVS is a validated measure normed by hundreds of organizations and over 10,000 administrations across Asia, Europe, and the Americas.  Normed scores are generated for each factor on a scale from 50-150 with 100 as the mean.

An additional scale in the OVS is a measure of engagement, which represents an overall score on the five factors.  “Engagement Index” is a cumulative OVS benchmark based on ratio of the number of employees who are actively engaged (fully committed) vs neutral vs disengaged (not committed).   The Engagement Index is reported on a scale from 0 to 100%, with 50% as a mean score.

 

Performance

AMADORI’S internal performance management data was used to assess performance.  As shown in the graphic below, the evaluation is comprised of competencies (the “how”) and results (the “what”), resulting in a quantitative performance score from 0-100.

 

 

 

  

Intervention

To equip managers with new skills, in 2009, Amadori had enrolled 18 top managers in the “Six Seconds’ EQ Management Certification – developing the managerial intelligence.”  The program was customized for Amadori’s needs.  The structure follows the Change MAP, Six Seconds’ framework for transformation.[3]  

There are three phases in this process: Engage, Activate, and Reflect.

The Engage phase focuses on creating readiness, and included pre-assessment and initial training.

The Activate phase focuses on building capability, and included additional training and individual coaching.

The Reflect phase is about solidifying learning, and included post-assessment and evaluation.

In total, the program included six days of classroom training , individual coaching, assessment using the SEI and/or SEI 360°, distance learning, and two days of outdoor training.

“The feedback we received from the participants were extremely positive,” said HR Director Paolo Pampanini, “We were impressed by the pragmatism of the training – the results are measurable and that created a clear return on investment for the project.  It was also powerful to see the depth of the approach to the topic of leadership.” 

Four years later, 38 managers and 120 intermediate managers, sales managers, and high-potential employees have participated in the Six Seconds training.

 

 

Analysis

A variety of techniques were used to analyze the data to answer the three questions:

1. Does Emotional intelligence affect Individual Performance?
2. Does Emotional Intelligence affect Organization Engagement? 
3. Does Organizational Engagement impact Organizational Performance?

 

 

 

To assess this question, two variables were evaluated:  EQ scores and Performance scores.

 

 

 

 

Results: High and Low EQ

The managers in the top 25% of EQ scored higher on the company’s performance management system:

 

 

Results: Predictive Value

To assess the power of the relationship between EQ and performance, a linear regression analysis[4] was conducted, revealing a statistically significant positive relationship between the managers‘ EQ scores and their Results scores.

 

Finding:  EQ scores predict 47% of the variation in managers’ performance results.

 

 

To further explore this finding, a similar analysis was conducted on Amadori’s sales force.  EQ, particularly the “Self-Awareness” and “Self-Management” portions of EQ, are significant predicators of performance for this population. 

 

 

Discussion: Question 1

While many studies correlate emotional intelligence with business performance [5], this finding is unique because of the strong, significant link between the “hard” outcome of results and the “soft skills” of emotional intelligence.  Since we know that emotional intelligence is learnable [6], this finding suggests that massive individual performance benefits can be reached by developing these skills, and by selecting managers who already exhibit these skills.

 

It’s also worth noting that unlike many of the other studies of emotional intelligence, this study is looking at an industrial sector.  Thus, even in a basic infrastructure industry, it appears that emotional intelligence is a critical success factor.   

 

 

 

To assess this question, two variables were evaluated:  EQ scores and Engagement scores.

 

 

Results: EQ and Engagement Correlate

Average manager EQ, and average Engagement Index were calculated for the three largest plants in the Amadori Group: Cesena, Santa Sofia, and Teramo.

The plants with higher EQ managers also had higher levels of engagement:

 

 

These data can be presented visually.  Each plant is represented by one circle.  In the circle is the EQ score above mean EQ (100), which is also the size of the circle.  On the vertical axis is the Engagement Index Score for each plant.

 

 

While this is a large sample of individuals, it’s a small sample of plants.  However, if we graph the three plants with a linear regression, to the right, it appears that 76% of the variation in Employee Engagement is predicted by the variation in Manager EQ scores.

  

 

Discussion: Question 2

The managers’ level of emotional intelligence appears to positively influence employee engagement.  While this is a small number of plants, the trend is very powerful.  In this sample, 76% of the variation in engagement is predicted by variation in manager EQ — suggesting that increasing manager EQ is imperative for organizations concerned with increasing employee engagement.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Results: Correlations of Engagement and Performance

The Plant with lower level of engagement (Cesena) performed worse:

 

  

These data are graphed on the following page, with the size of the bubbles corresponding with the engagement scores above the mean (50).

 

 

 

In addition, the OVS also measures key performance outcomes, including Motivation (drive toward results), Retention (commitment to remain in the workplace), Productivity (perception of effectiveness).  These outcome scores for each plant are shown to the right and below:

 

 

 

  

Discussion: Question 3

While the link between engagement and outcomes as measured by the OVS is well established [7], this study provides an important additional ingredient.  The objective performance data from the company’s Key Performance Indicator substantiates the link between employee engagement and performance.  Further, this finding adds evidence that the outcomes measure by the Organizational Vital Signs assessment are linked to “real world” performance.

 

 

Conclusion

The study provides evidence to affirm the three of the questions:

• Does Emotional intelligence affect Individual Performance?  Yes, strongly.
• Does Emotional Intelligence affect Organization Engagement?  Yes.
• Does Organizational Engagement impact Organizational Performance? Yes.

There is strong evidence that emotional intelligence is predictive of individual performance; we found that 47% of the variation in performance is predicted by variation in EQ.  Plants with more emotionally intelligent managers had higher organizational engagement.  Plants with higher organizational engagement reached better performance.  This graphic captures these findings:

 

 

 

It appears that Emotional Intelligence, as measured by the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment, is a significant (perhaps even essential) capacity to only for individuals but also for entire organizations.  These findings suggest that emotional intelligence and organizational engagement are key drivers of performance. 

 

In Pampanini’s words: 

“In general it is possible to say that within a few years of using the performance and talent management system we have witnessed an improvement of the managerial competencies of the whole structure and especially in those of middle management.”

“This is a not a negligible result, as it affects both corporate culture and the management approach towards change and complexity. We can certainly say that the Six Seconds training proved decisive in pushing managers and middle managers towards improving their leadership skills and towards applying at best the personnel development practices offered by our department.” 

 

In addition to the results of the study, one striking result was a drastic 63% reduction of personnel turnover of Amadori’s sales force.  Sales managers participated in the EQ training, and the competency framework and manager-coach process was extended to the external sales force (300 sales agents all over Italy).  The employee turnover rates are shown in this graph:

 

 

Recommendations

For other companies considering this type of implementation, there were several “lessons learned” in the Amadori case.  The first is the value of metrics.  The project started with robust data and the creation of a meaningful performance management system.  

Many organizations are moving toward a “balanced scorecard” approach to performance management.  It can be a difficult transition when most operations have traditionally only focused on results.  Senior leaders need to be very serious if they are going to commit to measure both the “what” and “how.”  In this case, we can see that focus is part of the bottom line too.  It’s about having a longer-term vision; if we only focus on the short-term, “good results” in one quarter could actually be undermining value.  When those results are created in a healthy way, the organization becomes stronger.

These systems are often imperfect, but Pampanini points out that it’s important to have the data and refine.  Using tools like SEI and VS provided normative data that is robust and meaningful for individuals as well as the whole organizations.

This “refining” concept is consistent with the best practices of the Change MAP process.  The three stages of Engage, Activate, Reflect are presented in a cycle.  A multi-year project goes through this cycle many times, continuously building awareness and commitment.  As the project progresses, the people involved become more deeply engaged and build the emotional energy that brings others along (shown in the graphic to the right, the feelings on the outer ring become a driving force for continuous improvement as a learning organization).

Finally, Pampanini points to the importance of HR working strategically as a partner to operational leadership: “We believe that HR systems can produce value only if properly executed by the people within the company. This is why investing in the development  of emotional intelligence for all key managers is a critical success factor.”

 

 

 

About Six Seconds

Six Seconds is a global network supporting people to create positive change – everywhere, all the time.  Our experience and research shows that the skills of emotional intelligence (EQ) are invaluable for leading change.  Therefore, we conduct research, develop powerful measures and tools for EQ development, and support a world-wide network of experts to put the learnable, measurable skills of emotional intelligence into action.  Our vision is that by 2039, one billion people will be practicing the skills of EQ. For more information, see www.6seconds.org/about.

Six Seconds’ Founder, Karen McCown, authored a method for integrating emotional and academic development, called Self-Science, first published in 1978.  In 1995, Daniel Goleman described the Self-Science process as one of two models for teaching emotional intelligence.  Established as a 501(c)3 organization in California in 1997, Six Seconds is now a global network with offices in San Francisco, Bologna, Amman, Dubai, Beijing, Tokyo, Mumbai, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur, and Jakarta, plus representatives Bogota, Sao Paulo, Vilnius, Lisbon, Paris and Durban.

 

 

References

1 The only tool based on Six Seconds’ model, the SEI is focused on developing key capacities for living and leading with emotional intelligence. (www.6seconds.org)

2 Freedman, Ghini, Fariselli (2010). The Vitals Signs Technical Manual. www.6seconds.org/tools/vs

3 Freedman & Ghini (2012) INSIDE CHANGE.  Also see “Structuring Transformational Learning”

4 Linear regression reveals not only the relationship between the two variables, but also the impact of one variable (EQ) on the other (Results).  

5 Freedman (2010), The Business Case for Emotional Intelligence, www.6seconds.org/case

6 Fariselli, Freedman, Ghini (2006), Increasing Emotional Intelligence, www.6seconds.org/tools/sei/research

7 Freedman, Ghini, Fariselli (2010). The Vitals Signs Technical Manual. www.6seconds.org/tools/vs

The post The Amadori Case: Supplying McDonalds – Organizational Engagement, 
Emotional Intelligence and Performance appeared first on Six Seconds.

How do thoughts and feelings actually lead us to decisions?

Join Dr. Aron Barbey, head of the Decision Neuroscience Laboratory at the University of Illinois, for an interactive discussion of leading-edge research on the brain.  Aron will share findings from a newly released study that mapped where emotional intelligence “lives” in the brain, revealing an important conclusion:  our brains are built for emotion and cognition to work together.  Learn:

1. Why “head versus heart” is false dichotomy.
2. How we actually make decisions.
3. What the latest science can tell us about improving emotional intelligence.

This is a recording of Dr. Barbey’s webinar, presented March 19, 2013, as part of the eWeek Festival.   Here is a list of upcoming emotional intelligence webinars.

It may take a moment for the webinar to load:

[BARBEY1]

About the Speaker

Aron K. Barbey received a Ph.D. in Psychology from Emory University in 2007 and completed a research fellowship in Cognitive Neuroscience at the National Institutes of Health in 2011. He is Assistant Professor and Director of the Decision Neuroscience Lab in the College of Applied Health Sciences and the Beckman Institute for Advanced Science and Technology. He is a member of the Beckman Institute Cognitive Neuroscience Group, the Center for Nutrition, Learning, and Memory, the Center on Health, Aging and Disability, the Department of Internal Medicine, the Department of Psychology, the Department of Speech and Hearing Science, the NeuroEngineering IGERT Program, and the Neuroscience Program.

For more information, visit:

Dr. Barbey’s lab

His recent paper on mapping emotional intelligence in the brain

The post Recording: Mapping the EQ Brain (Neuroscience Webinar) appeared first on Six Seconds.

Are we running scared? 

• As a business leader, I’m afraid that I don’t know what’s happening even one quarter out.
• As a parent, I’m afraid I’m not doing what’s best for my kids – especially when so much is coming unglued all around.
• As a person, I’m afraid we’re lost.

Newtown.  Recession.  Floods.  The endless news cycles churning out grim truths.  Political “leaders” who can’t even talk to one another.

In this context of spiraling fear and reactivity – as we whirl around the reaction cycle, our brains are wired to become more protective.  The stress response pushes us to react in simplistic ways: fight, flee, freeze.  In turn, this exacerbates the tension as we become more impatient and hostile with one another, more disconnected, and more focused on seeing threats.

It’s easy to see fear as the “bad guy” – it’s damn uncomfortable, so it must be “bad,” right?  Aren’t we all “supposed to be” happy all the time?  With that logic, pretty soon we’re afraid (and angry) about how much fear we’re experiencing!  Instead, a more useful antidote is seeing that fear, like all emotions, is a message.  Reading the message takes emotional intelligence – or “EQ” – which is thoughtfully using the data from our feelings to make better decisions.

When life is easy, when all is good, we don’t need strength.  Sipping margaritas on the beach doesn’t require a lot of insight.  It’s when life gets tough that we have to reach deeper and summon our resources.  When it’s emotionally messy, when fear is escalating, the resource we need is EQ.

Fortunately, the skills of emotional intelligence are measurable and learnable.  They’re real.  We can stand on them.  Next week, at the Virtual Festival of Emotions, we’ll hear from serious scientists and expert practitioners to see that substance and applicability.  At Harvard in June, we’ll go even deeper with the NexusEQ Conference: How do we use this incredible science to spark positive change?  It’s the right time for this work. 

Here’s a start to cut through the FOG:

1. Feelings.  Get real.  Take a breath, give yourself a gift of a six second pause, and listen to yourself.  Slow down the cycle and acknowledge what is.  Pushing away or covering over feelings doesn’t help; facing reality does.
2. Options.  Recognize the choices you’re making.  There’s a LOT you can’t control, what can you control?  What are three new alternatives you could try tomorrow?
3. Goals.  Consider a big question: What do you want?  What’s your ideal outcome… for now… for next week… for next year?  Where do you want to go?

These three steps follow the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, a simple way to peer through the FOG (Feelings, Options, Goals) and take action to move the situation forward.

The bad news is that in times like these, we need a lot of emotional intelligence.  The good news is that in times like these, more and more people start looking around and saying, “I wish we had more emotional intelligence.”  Awareness is growing.  Next step: Action.

The post The Fog of Fear appeared first on Six Seconds.

There is no question that effective social emotional learning (SEL) has massive academic, social, and personal value (evidence).  “Effective” is sometimes a challenge. 

Recently a student told me that she dreads the “SEL” class in her school because, “the teacher is so fake.”  Predictably, she admits no willingness to honesty express herself in this forum.  I’ve noticed that, especially with teens, their “radar” is up, and when adults posture (perhaps with the very best of intentions), credibility and trust evaporate.

At another extreme, many years ago we interviewed hundreds of young adults who had attended a school with the “Self-Science” process embedded, and over and over, they identified, without prompting, the value of SEL.  In fact, just over 80% named Self-Science as the most valuable class they’d ever taken.  What makes the difference?

In our EQ Educator training, we emphasize that the most basic ingredient for being an effective SEL facilitator is to be a practitioner yourself:  To make emotional intelligence part of your own learning and life.  This applies just as much to parents, counselors, and administrators as to teachers — and probably to all of us.

In considering some “SEL train wrecks” that I’ve observed and heard about, I notice three factors frequently emerge:  Inquiry, Planning, and Power.  Consider each on a continuum:

 

In “inquiry,” on the left, imagine an adult intervening in an issue between two kids.  The adult enters the discussion thinking she already understands the situation.  She might ask questions, she might even ask powerful questions, but the youth immediately “get it” that the the adult isn’t truly listening to the answers.  At the opposite extreme, there are only questions, endlessly open-ended.  Without meaningful observations and connecting the dots, the conversation never moves forward.

On the left end of “planning,” the adult is driven by his agenda.  He has a “good lesson planned” and going through that process becomes more important than the reality of the situation.  He doesn’t adapt (for example, noticing if the students are bored or tense or happy or sad). He follows his own agenda, and misses the opportunity to discuss real feelings and decisions because he’s so busy “teaching” the way he thinks the lesson should unfold.  At the other extreme, it’s only process, and the opportunity for powerful learning is lost because of a lack of design.

With learners of all ages, “power” is a major driver, but perhaps with teens it’s the only currency.  When the adult holds herself outside and above the group as “the boss,” they will see her as an obstacle rather than an ally.  She can’t share honestly because that would give up the power of “being perfect.”  She can’t flex because that might look like a loss of control.  At the other extreme, we have Lord of the Flies; quiet voices are drowned out, and dialogue devolves quickly into posturing.

The challenge, of course, is to find balance in the middle ground.  First and foremost, this requires us to accurately confront the current reality.  When do I go to one extreme or another?  What are my own habits, wants, and fears that can push me out of balance?  If we’re unwilling to be fully honest — at least with ourselves — about our own “EQ messes,” it’s essentially impossible to teach others effectively.

In the middle of “Inquiry” is curiosity.  Open, genuine, penetrating, flexible, playful and serious.  Ask real questions, and learn from the answers.  Even when the question isn’t answered, there are messages to hear.  Call these out.  Make observations (but not declarations).  Ask around the corners and tease out insight.

To be balanced in planning, we need a structure for transformational learning, we need to over-plan and over-prepare to the point where we can drop the plan and let the learning unfold.  Realplay is more powerful than roleplay, so watch for the moments of genuine emotion, struggle, hope, uncertainty, conflict, wonder… and weave that authentic experience back to reinforce the core concept that is valuable.  Remember your goal is not to “complete a lesson,” nor is it to “just process,” but a perfect blend that awakens understanding.

Finally, we come to finding a balance of power.  A lifelong challenge for all of us – it’s so easy to be provoked towards either dictatorship or victimhood.  In the middle, we are building an alliance.  We are open to the kids’ input, and when needed, we make the decision.  We participate as part of the group, we reveal our true emotions and experience, and we maintain a clear boundary.  When kids ask for more that we want to reveal, we don’t hide and pretend we’ve never grappled, we simply say, “It’s not something I’m comfortable talking about.”  Some kids are amazingly adroit at pushing buttons, and trying to pull us into power struggle – great facilitators are like Tai Chi masters, simply stepping around to end up on the same side as allies.

I wish it were easy to follow these three principles.  For myself, I know I’m more likely to slip off that gracefully balanced midpoint more often than not.  Especially when I’m not at my very best, and I well remember how the relentless grinding pace of the school year makes that a dream for summertime. 

And, it’s a process of learning.  If, like me, you believe that teaching the skills of emotional intelligence is one of the most important gifts we can give children and the world, then we’re compelled to keep practicing.  The good news / bad news is that these dynamics come up over and over, many times a day, giving us wonderfully difficult “gifts” of practice.

Four years ago, I couldn’t walk.  I couldn’t even put my socks on.

Yesterday, I went for a run — without someone chasing me… I actually chose it.

In these years, I’ve been experimenting with our Change MAP, applying it to myself, and there’s a lot I’d like to share about the experience.  The good news is, it works.  The bad news is, it’s still hard… and change isn’t “done.”  It’s an ongoing, continuous engagement of the new.

Of the many paradoxes of change, one that’s enchanting me is the effect of impossibility.  We often think of planning for change in “baby steps,” and while that’s useful, there’s a very different emotional experience in going from, “absolutely no *)@# way” to “can.”

Many years ago, my friend Cath Corrie told me a lovely “trick”:  When someone says, “I can’t,” you encourage them to add “yet.”  Try just saying “I can’t” and “I can’t yet” — the emotional experience is dramatically different.  The first is a wall.  The second, a door.

So, when I couldn’t put my socks on, I decided, “I can’t, yet.”  Then, pretty soon, I could.  Awkwardly, painfully… but all by myself, I got one damn sock on!  Then I had to work on the second.  What I noticed is that when I did my physical therapy, when I pushed just hard enough, when I was both patient and unrelenting, I got better.  As I got better, I also felt more powerful.

Inch by inch, I could stand on one leg.  Then bend.  Then sit on the floor and stand.  Then walk.  Then do knee bends.  Then hop.  Then jump.

Each step was literally impossible for me… and then when it became possible, I realized that I was stronger than I ever realized before.  Physically stronger, definitely.  Today I’m far from an ideal physique, but I’m stronger than I’ve been since I was a teenager.  Perhaps equally importantly, though, I’m emotionally stronger.  I still have mornings when I wake up thinking and feelings “I can’t.”  Today was one.  Then, I remember that I have done the impossible — many times — and I add the “yet,” and I’m free to take another step.

One of the central challenges of teaching emotional intelligence is a longstanding, deep cultural bias of “head versus heart.”  The profound work of neuroscientist Antonio Damasio highlighted this when he titled a book, “Descartes Error.”  Remember that Descartes famously said, “I think, therefore I am.”  Damasio’s research on people with brain damage found that actually, thought alone doesn’t create conscious identity.  The ability to say, “I am” comes from the intersection of several parts of the brain, including the emotional centers.  Without emotion, we exist, but we are not fully alive.

Today, the idea of “mindfulness” has become gratifyingly popular.  According to the Western mindfulness pioneer Jon Kabat Zinn, “mindfulness is the awareness that arises through paying attention on purpose in the present moment — non-judgmentally” (read more in this TIME interview with Zinn about mindfulness and health).  This is a profoundly important idea, and closely aligned with the pursuit of “Know Yourself” in the Six Seconds Model.  Yet when we practice this process, we’re not just practicing an awareness of logical mind, we’re seeking a profound opening to our whole mind.  The mind that encompasses more than cognitive thought.  So I’ve often thought we should consider “heartfulness” as well as “mindfulness.”

Emotional intelligence is being smart with feelings.  Thus it is in this interaction of “head and heart” where emotional intelligence thrives.  We often define emotional intelligence as blending emotion and cognition to make optimal decisions.  Bringing together these two aspects of insight.  Breaking the paradigm of head vs. heart to re-integrate wisdom  Our friends at HeartMath have framed this intersection in the name of their organization.  When you “do the math” of HeartMath, you a blending emotion and cognition.

This week Arati Suryawanshi, one of our active network members, a psychologist and educator in India, and I were corresponding about the upcoming eWeek (the virtual festival of emotions – March 18-24).  Arati was considering how to write about the blending of authentic language of the heart with the practices of mindfulness that are integral to Indian spiritual culture.  I would like to consider an way to look at this blend as: “The Mindful Heart.”

What would it mean for you to have a mindful heart?

Can you think of the beating of your heart and the millions of molecules of emotion coursing through your blood to affect every cell of your body?

Can you feel the whirling storm of your mind?

What happens when you actively practice – consciously, patiently, non-judgmentally — bringing these two forces together?

And, as teachers, friends and leaders, why does it matter?  What happens when we reconcile these forces and stop being at war with ourselves?  I have often heard Bob Ingram, another of our wonderful EQ Network members and Basic Course Team Leader at the Army Management Staff College, say, “Leadership is a lifelong journey of just 12 inches – the distance from head to heart.”

I’m a terrible, absolutely awful pool player.  But I’ve noticed something intriguing:  In this game, there is only ONE possible action.  Hit the white ball.  Your only “move,” your only way to affect the results, is to hit the white ball.  Yet different results occur each time.

And is it enough to just whack the ball?  Despite my paucity of pool prowess, usually I am not so pathetic as to simply want to hear the “crack” of the cue.  I actually want to get a ball into a pocket!  (Preferably one of my own, but honestly, sometimes I’m happy to get any colored ball sunk.)

So probably, it’s worth pausing to think: What is the result I want?

I would suggest this is true in all of our interactions.  I’m talking to a potential client about a project.  I’m listening to my wife talk about a problem with homework.  I’m starting a meeting with my team… in all cases, there are actions I can take… there are ways of doing those actions… and there are results.  If I haven’t considered the desired result, I’m unlikely to choose an effective action and approach.

Making this evaluation, we’re applying a skill of pausing to predict.  In the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, the competency of “Apply Consequential Thinking,” or ACT.  When we ACT, it’s not just about the physics of balls on the table, but the emotional physics of relationship.  How do we want this person to feel?  How do we want to feel?  What are the likely emotional outcomes — and how to those jibe with the tactical realities?  What do I want to happen next?

Does unconditional love mean you accept people fully — without wanting them to be better?  As a parent, does it mean you don’t push your kids to do better?  As a spouse, does it mean you don’t encourage your partner to grow?  As a manager, does it mean you accept ho-hum performance?

Recently I noticed myself thinking harsh, judgmental words about my son and his (lack of) homework. Lazy.  Lame.  Idiotic.  Mostly I avoided saying these out loud, but there were a few, “Don’t be so ___” phrases coming out.

This is absolutely not how I want him to see himself, and not how I want to think and feel about him.  I want him to know he’s loved no matter what, and that I value and respect him for who he is.  I want him to do his best, but at the same time, to know he is a great person even when he messes up.

Perhaps this is partly due to my own self-perception of inadequacy.  There’s this little voice in my head saying, “You’re not living up to your potential.”  I grew up hearing this often.  And another, “If you did better, you’d deserve love and respect” — no one ever said this one to me… yet somehow I heard it.  For most of my life I’ve felt inadequate, and that I need to prove myself.

On the one hand, this is motivating.  At times, it’s pushed me to push myself.  On the other, it’s told me to give up on what’s too hard, to take shortcuts, and that real happiness lives outside of myself.  I certainly don’t want to pass that on.

Yet, I do have high expectations – I want my son to work harder and do better. And, I want him to know he’s loved and perfect.  Can those two coexist?  When I asked Max (who’s now 11) about this, he said that if I didn’t push, I’d be like one of those parents who made excuses and acted like their kid was perfect even when they behaved badly.

I can see many of my clients and friends struggling with this too — especially with people who are “selected” (unlike our kids who arrive as a kind of “mystery package”).  We want our husbands and wives to be more supportive, we want our friends to be just a bit more (or less) relaxed, we want our employees to be a lot more committed… yet we’ve chosen these people and made a commitment.  Do we make that commitment based on an expectation that they’ll change to be what we REALLY want, or based on who they are?

What if we turn it around.  How do I want my kids, my wife, my boss, to see me?  How can they motivate me to grow and do better?  If they see me as not good enough, will it help me be better — or will I shut down?  If I feel real support and acceptance, will I be more motivated to do better – or will I be complacent?

I suspect that this distinction between acceptance/love and expectation is profoundly important for healthy relationships.  I certainly know that I’m a lot more motivated to be and do my best when I know that the people around me are on MY side — that they’re supporting me for what I want, not for their expectations.  So perhaps it comes down to letting go of the external expectation, and instead supporting each person in our lives to reach their own goals?

Could that work?  How would it feel?  How do we start?

A few days ago I was listening to my favorite carol, and I found myself imagining the families of the victims of Sandy Hook Elementary, and what it might be like for them to hear these words.

Silent night! Holy night!
All is calm all is bright

But where is the brightness and calm today?  We seem to be immersed in strife and discord.  Our “leaders” spent billions of dollars this year defaming one another, dodging accountability, passing the buck.  In America certainly, but all over the world.  In politics it’s absolutely clear, but the same is happening in every sector of society.  We’re getting better and better at blame.

And me too.

As I’ve read articles and reflections and facebook posts and petitions of people trying to make sense of Sandy Hook, there is one common theme.  Some people say it’s the fault of our education system.  Others say that we have poor legislation and inadequate enforcement.  Some even say it’s God’s punishment for not allowing prayer in school.  Some are talking about the shooter’s parents, some about our mental health system.   A few are even looking more deeply at our cultural context of disconnection.

The common theme is blame.  Just as I did, decrying the lack of principled leadership in our world today.  Looking at the neuroscience, it feels better to blame.  When we blame, we know the answer, and that feeling of righteous wrath is actually a dopamine reward that our brain emits when we “know.”  While this is part of our basic neurology, we also other circuits that allow alternatives.

The problem, of course, is that while it’s comfortable to be on our high horses blaming others, nothing changes.   I, for one, am ready for change.  Perhaps the “good” from this brutal tragedy is that many of us are now saying we want to change.  Change, of course, requires doing something differently.  It’s not comfortable.  In fact it’s scary.  By definition, it means entering the unknown.

So what’s the alternative to blame?  Perhaps we can start with the opposite:  Ownership.  Where is my responsibility for Sandy Hook?  And, even more, for the strife that seems so common today?

Taking ownership is not about blaming myself either. It’s not useful to self-flagellate nor to imagine myself as more powerful than I actually am.  Rather, I’d like to look at the violence in my own heart.

If I’m a “leadership expert,” how am I leading myself?  When do I let myself slide into a cycle of blame and move toward hatred?  When am I violent – perhaps not with my fists, but with my thoughts and words and feelings?

Many years ago I was looking at the research on escalation, stress, and conflict, and I saw that generally we conceptualize “reaction” in a linear process of state-> trigger -> interpretation -> reaction: 

We’re having a rough day, someone provokes us, we decide they’re a jerk and we yell.

This is useful – if we can notice there are antecedents to the reaction, and there is a moment of evaluation, and a reaction, we’re well on our way to changing the outcome.  I was not satisfied with this kind of linear model, though, because in my experience reactions spiral.  We don’t start with tabla rasa, and we don’t go back to a neutral state after the reaction.  We spin.

So I put the three stages into a cycle, shown in this graphic.  My experience is that seeing this map of our reactions can help us notice the process unfolding, and then step off this “un-merry”-go-round.

Here’s a video where I explain the cycle – it’s from our interactive TV channel for managers, ManagementNetworks:

Brining this back to the violence in our own hearts, it’s essential to realize that in each of these three stages of reaction, we have a choice.

In the Set-up phase, we need to notice:  I’m getting out of balance.  There are signals such as tension in our throats, shoulders, faces.  Uncomfortable sleep.  Lethargy or excitability.  Scattered thoughts.  We need to notice these signals and attend to them before we go further into reaction.  Research has validated many tools to make this shift, such as appreciative inquiry, meditation, HeartMath, exercise, prayer, or even time in the sunlight.

The Interpretation phase is very short, but it’s essential.  We interpret the stimuli based on our current cognitive and emotional state – so our Set-Up changes our interpretation.  We have patterns of interpretation, and we’re good at fooling ourselves and making the situation fit our pattern; we might generalize, leap to conclusions, rush up the ladder of inference, or exclude data that doesn’t match our assumptions.  With practice we can train ourselves to notice our own interpretations of thought-feeling-action and slow this process down to be more careful.

In the Escalation phase, we have yet another choice.  We can glory in the righteous wrath and justify our own inner violence by telling ourselves we’re warriors of good.  At the other extreme, we can revel in self-blame and even self-harm, directing our frustration and fear and pain inward.  Or, we can recognize that our reactions are just reactions, and decide to step off the cycle.  This takes an incredibly simple, incredibly powerful six second pause to integrate thinking and feeling and choose.  One effective method is to ask ourselves powerful questions.

Of course just knowing what’s happening is not enough.  In Spring we plant, in Fall we harvest, but in between there is a lot of work, painstaking follow-through required.  Attending to the “weeds” and nourishing the soil, we can cultivate the garden of our own hearts and grow peace instead of violence.

Imagine what would happen if we each did so?  What if a million of us made this a year of peace within ourselves?  Then imagine listening to Silent Night a year from now:

Round yon virgin mother and child
Holy infant so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace!
Sleep in heavenly peace!