We think the world would be a better place if 1 billion people were practicing the skills of emotional intelligence. What would happen?  You are essential to making this vision reality — here’s what we want to do together: We were talking about goals, and you know the risk of that discussion? Anabel Jensen, Six […]

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Why is it SO difficult to communicate?  A starting point is a wide-spread lie we tell others — and ourselves.

A misleading exchange, a billion times a day: “Hey, how’s it going?”  ”Great, thanks.  You?”  ”I’m fine.  C ya…” — has communication occurred, or been blocked?

In this barrage of “checking in,” there’s no real exchange of information, but there’s a mutual deception.  In asking the question, we pretend that we’ve actually seen and heard the other.  In answering, we’ve followed convention but hidden our experience.  Why?

Safety.  It’s “normal” which means it’s comfortable.

Speed.  It’s fast, which means we don’t need to get caught up.

Script.  We all know we’re “supposed to” stay on the surface, so we do.

 

No Blood, No Foul?

So what?  We’re following a social convention — and isn’t it better than simply ignoring the other person?  The risk of this surface non-communication is the illusion of inquiry.  If we walk out from this “discussion” pretending we’ve actually understood, we block the real data that’s available.

I suspect that as this surface transaction has become the cultural norm, simultaneously we’ve found it increasingly difficult to have more substantive dialogue.  ”Norms,” by definition, are what’s comfortable.  What’s proper.  What’s prudent.  So we’ve become used to a shallow exchange, and this leads us to miss invaluable data.  As George Bernard Shaw famously said,

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Don’t fall in that trap.  Remember this “secret:”

There is always more to the story.

 

How To Ask About Feelings

Nearly 20 years ago, I was teaching about the Vietnam war, and talked one of the veterans who counseled other vets.  I explained that my dad was a veteran, but he’d never told me about his experience in the war.  The counselor asked, “When are you asking him?  On the way to the airport?  In a busy restaurant?  You just can’t give a real answer to that question unless you’re sitting by a lake with a case of beer and a whole weekend ahead of you.”

The more complex and challenging a topic, the more time and space will be needed for a real answer.  If I’m going to be vulnerable enough to reveal something ugly, scary, painful, serious — or even just complicated — I’m not going to do it in a casual, hurried, public setting.  I’m not going to talk if I can tell you don’t have time.  And, if you want me to be honest about my experience, let’s go real.  It’s back to those 3 Ss:

Safety:  Start by building a trusting relationship; ask questions that are appropriate to the level of trust… or trust+1 (slightly more serious/challenging than yesterday’s question).  Make sure there’s sufficient privacy and time for the seriousness of the question.  Pull someone aside, go for a walk, sit side-by-side, make a space.

Speed:  More serious conversations take longer.  Find five minutes for a five-minute-level check-in.  Make an hour for a much more serious one.  If you’re in a rush, people feel that, and they’ll conform to the “I’m in a rush” signal you’re sending (or, if they don’t they might need to learn that norm…)

Script:  While “surface” is the starting norm, the way you respond tells the other person what to expect next.  If they perceive that you’re following a script, you send a message that this isn’t real.  If you invalidate their ideas and feelings at the outset, they “know” not to be honest.  If you push or pull, they “know” this isn’t a real dialogue.  On the other hand, if you take turns, sharing, asking, listening, recognizing, reflecting… as the dialogue flows back and forth, it also flows beyond the surface.

 

Communication Exercise

In any moment, consider there’s the “outside story,” or what we’re comfortable sharing… and the “inside story,” what we’re really thinking and feeling.  Here is one of Six Seconds’ training exercises that you can use to explore this for yourself — with a partner — or even in a group.  All you need is a paper and something to write with, but it’s more fun with colored pencils or pens:

1. Think of a situation, perhaps a recent conversation that was somewhat complex.  Or maybe a party you attended, or a meeting, or even just walking into school or the office.
2. On one half of your paper, make a sketch or symbol of what you were showing on the outside.  On the other half, represent what you were feeling on the inside.
3. Discuss.

Step 3 is “where the magic happens,” of course… and the skill of your facilitator or partner makes this either interesting or amazing.  Depending on the situation, questions could include:

Are the two sides different?

What are some differences?

Why do you suppose that is?

What would happen if you were to show more of the inside (if you didn’t)?  What are the costs and benefits of doing that?

How would it affect you — and others — and your relationships?

This can go quite a bit further — about self-awareness, about patterns, about choices and consequences, and even about purpose.  What kind of relationships do you want to build?  Why does that matter?  What choices will you need to make for that to happen?

 

What happened when you did the exercise?  Please share in the comments!

 

The Point:  Look Deeper

If you want to understand others, you need to get beneath the surface.  If you fool yourself into believing the surface story, you’re missing invaluable data.

 

 

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I’m sorry, but… I don’t intend to be rude… No offense, but… With all due respect…

Isn’t it amazing how facile we are at excusing ourselves when we want to hurt someone?  If I preface my hurtful comment with an excuse, is it suddenly ok?

We know that emotions are real – they are biochemical signals that affect every living cell in our bodies.[1]  Thanks to research on mirror neurons, we know our emotions even affect others.[2]  In fact, emotional pain and physical pain are essentially the same to our brains.[3]  So next time you’re saying something hurtful, ask yourself:  Am I using emotions as a weapon?

Emotional Intelligence to Change

How can we change?  In the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence[4] there are three key steps, or pursuits.  Know Yourself is about being aware.  Choose Yourself is about being intentional.  Give Yourself is about being purposeful.

So take that moment where you’re about to say, “I’m just trying to be honest…”:

Know Yourself:  What are you feeling?  How are you reacting?

Choose Yourself:  Do you have any other options?  What effect do you want to have?

Give Yourself:  What’s truly important in this situation?  Where do you want to go in the long term?

 

Change Words or Change Intention?

To go a step further, it’s not enough just to not SAY the mean words.  In fact, the words are not the issue at all.  Just think of the classic Southern matron saying, “Well bless her heart” – very lovely words, that usually meant, “I want to scream at this person.”   Any words can be said in many ways – the question isn’t just what we do, but HOW we do it.

The Know Yourself and Choose Yourself parts of the Six Seconds Model are shown in this graphic.  The question is:  Do we have integrity between what we’re doing/saying and HOW we’re doing that?

Remember, the question isn’t “what’s polite” – this isn’t a model of “being nice,” it’s a model of emotional intelligence:  being smart with feelings.  In other words, using emotional data to be more effective.  As I wrote early this year, using a billiards tables as a metaphor, we need to pause an consider: Where do I want the ball to go?[5]

So what’s the impact we want to have on our colleagues, friends, employees, kids, etc?  Our choices ARE having an effect, is it the one we want?

 

A Step Further: Can I Stop Being Mean-Hearted?

Recently I was honored and challenged by my daughter:  We were talking about a teacher who is frequently inconsistent and inauthentic (probably because her self awareness is so low), and I said something mean.  In a gossipy way, I was participating in the conversation.  Dishing.

Emma stopped the conversation, and in a sort-of-amused but sort-of-disturbed way said, “Whoa, Daddy you’re never mean about people.”  While I’m proud that she has this perspective, and justly scolded for my behavior, the truth is she’s incorrect.  I’m often judgmental and harsh – at least in my own head and heart.

Many years ago I witnessed a brutal destruction of a beautiful community.  I saw how easy it is to tear something down.  At that point, I resolved to do a better job of watching my own words – but it’s not enough for me anymore.

There’s a beautiful interview Oprah did with Brené Brown about Brown’s work on vulnerability and her commitment to wholehearted living.[6]  I love Brown’s work, her blend of authenticity and research.  It’s about the courage to “step into the arena” of life – which requires vulnerability.  Maybe we could make an excuse that being “mean hearted” is a small part of being whole-hearted… but it’s just an excuse.  Really that “dishing” is just a form of self-protection.  Of making myself better than others.  If I’m going to truly be who I am, I’ve got to let go of that illusion of self-protection.

This brings us to the third part of the Six Seconds Model.

It’s easy to say, “Oh, I shouldn’t say mean things.”  Harder to do.  Harder still to say, “I want to stop being mean.”  So why would we?  If we don’t have a compelling reason, we won’t change.

So we need this third circle, the Why:

If we can align these three rings, we are putting our best selves forward.  We have integrity between action and intention – and with purpose.   We do the right things, in the right ways, for the right reasons.  This reason I’m committed to practicing emotional intelligence is that it gives me a way to create integrity – alignment between who I am and who I mean to be.

How about you?

 

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References

[1] Here’s an interview with Dr. Candace Pert, former Chief of Brain Science at the National Institutes of Health.

[2] Dr. Marco Iacoboni is one of the preeminent researchers on the link between mirror neurons and emotion.  Here’s a report of a meeting we had with Dr. Iacoboni, and a link to his website.

[3] There have been numerous studies of this phenomenon, one of the pioneers was a 2004 fMRI study by Eisenberger et al, showing that the same brain areas are implicated in both physical pain and emotional hurt.  Here’s a link to a summary at the Brain Institute at the Oregon Health & Science University.

[4] This overview explains The Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence – the three pursuits and eight specific competencies.

[5] Joshua Freedman: Where Do You Want the Ball to Go? (2013)

[6] Oprah.com Connections: The Wholehearted Life: Oprah Talks to Brené Brown (2013).

 

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Surveying almost 1000 leaders and team members, we found that emotional intelligence is rated at 90% in importance… yet only 52% on implementation (Workplace Issues Report).

Only 22.8% of respondents said that emotional intelligence is an organizational priority.  Yet these few organizations with high ratings on emotional intelligence also earn a 32% advantage on scores for leadership effectiveness.

In other words, awareness of emotional intelligence is high, and while many perceive the value, it’s under-utilized at an organizational level.

At the NexusEQ Conference (Harvard Medical School Conference Center, June 24-26 2013), we’ll hear about 50 different cases presented showing that the science and practice of emotional intelligence isn’t just “nice to have.” We’re talking about a validated, practical skillset that is transforming lives, businesses, and institutions.

I recently wrote that now, in the third decade of emotional intelligence, the challenge is application.  The concept is clear.  The value is established.  Now:  How do we actually use it?

What does it look like to create organizational value (in business as well as in education and government organizations)?

What is the “missing link” to move emotional intelligence from a “nice” to a “need to have”?

 

Creating Organizational Value

Recently, a member of our network said that while it’s now easy to talk about emotional intelligence at an individual level, the challenge is linking to a financial motivation:  “How do we actually create bottom-line value from emotional intelligence?”

Maybe it’s worth going back to those 22.8%:  They said their organizations are committed for 3 primary reasons:

1. Alignment.
2. Climate.
3. Relationships.

Here’s why these matter:

1. These skills create alignment between people, departments, roles.

A focus on emotional intelligence brings people together.

• As we saw in the US Navy Case, EQ training helps people bring others on board.
• At NexusEQ in June, Ed Woodd will present the case of his charter school fully integrating EQ to build a shared vocabulary with students, families, teachers, and board.
• The Sheraton Case showed that this kind of alignment of people also impacts market share.

2. Emotional intelligence improves climate. 

Leaders who are “smarter with feelings” use that insight and skill to build better workplaces.

• In the Amadori Case, it’s a massive factor in building a healthy, high performing workplace.  In that case, 78% of the variation in employee engagement is predicated by manager EQ.
• At NexusEQ, Ray Phoon & Jon Low will present the case of using emotional intelligence to improve team and organizational climate in sales organization.
• As Barbara Fatum wrote last week in her article about neuroscience and social-emotional learning, the skills of emotional intelligence improve classroom and school climate as well.

3. Increasing emotional intelligence improves relationships.

Emotions serve as a barometer of the health of interpersonal connections; people who can read and manage this dynamic build stronger relationships.

• At Harvard in June, we’ll hear about the FedEx case showing how emotional intelligence drives “people-first” leadership to create strong teams.
• We’ll also hear the Sanofi case, detailing how EI skills improve customer relationships to increase revenue by millions of dollars a year.
•  The Shell Case shows that the skills of emotional intelligence create an enduring ability to strengthen teams.

The bottom line is that these skills allow people to connect.

 

From Nice to Need

Recently I was speaking with Carolyn Meacher, a principal at one of Six Seconds’ Preferred Partner consulting firms.  Using her expertise in the intersection of design thinking and emotional intelligence, Carolyn helped me create a page for our website on the Models and Methods we use for implementing organizational change.

Carolyn helped me see that from a design perspective, at Six Seconds our effectiveness comes not just from people, not just from tools, but from a robust methodology that allows these elements to work effectively.  Of course we need high EQ people to spread these skills.  Of course we need great tools to measure what matters — but these won’t create real, scalable value unless we also have a solid, effective process to put them into action.

The point is, it’s not enough to know what emotional intelligence means (though we better).  It’s not enough to know our individual EQ strengths and weakness (though this certainly helps).

We need a process. A framework.  A systematic process for moving from awareness to action.  This is why we developed the Change MAP (INSIDE Change).  The Change MAP provides this kind of robust system, but more importantly, as change agents we need to understand how to apply this kind of methodology.  In the book, it’s good.  But to put it into action takes more.

This is why the NexusEQ Conference is so focused on implementation.  As people committed to co-creating a more emotionally intelligent world, we need to understand what actually WORKS.  So, every four years, we find people from around the world, from many sectors, using many different assessments and models, and we come together to create the next stage of this bridge from science to practice.

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