People often ask me about the difference between Six Seconds and other emotional intelligence consulting/training approaches. Usually I talk about our depth and breadth of experience – we’ve done this for 14 years full time, offices in 8 countries, work in every sector… and usually I mention that as a not-for-profit, we are driven to do this work, it’s our passion and purpose.

While that’s all true, I’ve been thinking about WHY. Why are you interested in EQ? Is it for knowledge, or for change? And if it’s for change, how do you turn emotional awareness and effectiveness into action? For many Six Seconds practitioners, the answer starts with transformational learning.

In some ways, all of us who are concerned with increasing EQ — as managers, parents, friends, teachers, coaches — are engaged in learning and teaching. So how do we each see that working?

The other founders of Six Seconds and I all come from the world of education, and in particular from a specific philosophy of constructivist learning where discovery and meaning are more important than “right answers.” Coupled with emergent neuroscience on the way the human brain learns, this drives a unique, powerful approach to instruction that requires head+heart+hands working together. For example, Anabel Jensen, our President, teaches her graduate courses in the university with no lectures.

I got thinking about this post because I’m on the plane for Australia, and was mentally reviewing course materials for the EQ Certification… including: Clothes line & pins, playing cards, wikki stix, museum kits, bagels, almonds, candies, sand, rubber ducks, rope, post-its… I usually travel with two large suitcases of this kind of esoteric-everyday equipment.

As you might guess, passing through customs as a Six Seconds trainer is… amusing. As are the classes! But using all this “fun stuff” is also extremely serious:

If we genuinely seek to create change by building new awareness – by teaching – then we have to get out of the ineffective 19th Century mindset of instruction-as-information-dump. In that model, the teacher is the expert who wields knowledge as power and seeks submission. “Bow down and I will fill your head with my knowledge.” But in a world where people need to actually think and solve problems (versus regurgitating stale “knowledge”), that model needs to go away. It’s a pervasive trap and is the #1 enemy of transformational learning.

I’d also suggest that as teachers, this requires us to practice emotional intelligence. It’s seductive to be the one with the answers, to be the sage on the stage. In some places, people have called me a “guru” and I wince at the implication, but at the same time I’m delighted by the honor and praise. I grew up in that “knowledge is power” system too, and so a piece of me will always seek the validation of being the one who knows. So I have to notice this seduction, stay out of that pattern, and continually re-choose to be who I mean to be as a teacher — a partner in a shared process of meaningful discovery.

At the heart of Six Seconds’ learning design is a recognition that learning is a human process — yes, there are mechanics (see above!) but it doesn’t work if it’s mechanistic. To keep this “front and center,” we’ve developed a learning philosophy that drives our teaching, as well as a specific learning design to structure the learning experience. Applying this, by the way, is the central content of our new Advanced Trainer Certification (see www.6seconds.org/training).

Here are the five principles of Six Seconds’ Learning Philosophy:

Reflection in action

Wisdom Lives Within: Our job is to create an environment/experience where people can find their own answers. Self-reflection is key!

In action: Ask, don’t tell. Provide time and space for reflection. Share your own reflection. Validate answers — focus on the deeper concepts vs. “right answers.” Don’t read slides — ask good questions about slides.

No Way is The Way: People learn in a variety of ways, and we need to teach to many learning styles. We also need to adapt and flex to effectively work with the complexities of real people.

In action: Engage many different learning styles so different people can learn in their own best ways. In each conclusion, participants are encouraged to do their own synthesis and craft their own authentic next steps.

The Process is the Content: Learning comes from experiencing and reflecting — doing, thinking, and feeling. Our job is to model and to use our own emotional intelligence so others can develop theirs.

In action: Use an experiential approach with many opportunities for discovery — as well as powerful conceptual theories. Facilitators will be most successful if they model their own emotional intelligence in setting up and debriefing the process.

1,2,3 PASTA!: If people don’t take action with what they’ve learned, we have not changed their lives and improved the world. So we need to help them put new ideas into action.

In action: Foster the feelings of anticipation, excitement, joy to motivate action. Invite participants to identify how to put ideas into action and next steps. Be sure to save time for this important component.

Fish Don’t Talk About Water: It takes a moderate level of dissonance to learn and to gain new perspectives. Our job is to make it safe enough for people to go beyond comfort and conformity and to gently push them toward the land of the unknown. Your affect will influence this greatly — if you quickly establish trust in the group, the exercise will give them a new and valuable perspective on themselves and their work.

In action: Do activities and hold discussions that create a small degree of discomfort, encouraging participants to look at situations in new ways. Talk about the “elephant in the room” in a respectful open way.

I’m curious how you react to this philosophy:

Is there one principle that you find particularly powerful or significant? What would happen if you practiced this more?

Is there one you find more challenging?

Is there one you see as unimportant? Or is there one missing?

For our Six Seconds conference this year, we’re focusing on “The Process is the Content” and “Wisdom Lives Within,” so every session is structured around powerful experiences and meaningful questions. So if you want to see these in action, join us! The October 2010 conference is free (donations requested), and we have a few tickets left. Details are on www.6seconds.org/conference

Warmly,

– Josh

Abstract:

The United Arab Emirates is emerging as the business capital of the Middle East. In this complex, demanding environment, to what extent do the “soft skills” of emotional intelligence matter? In a study of 418 leaders living in the region, there is a very strong relationship between emotional intelligence skills and performance outcomes. Scores on the SEI (Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment) predict over 58% of the variation in critical professional and personal success factors (such as effectiveness, influence, relationships, and career status). This means that if you want to get ahead in the Middle East, emotional intelligence is one of the most important capacities to develop.

A pdf version of the report and summary slides are available for download

by Joshua Freedman, Jayne Morrison, Andreas Olsson

Research: November, 2009. Publication August 6, 2010.

Background

There are numerous studies documenting the relationship between emotional intelligence and various aspects of performance, but this is one of the first studies of this kind in the Middle East. The UAE, one of the region’s business centers, is the base for a wide range of businesses led by an incredibly diverse mix of leaders from all over the globe.

This study was conducted by Six Seconds (global) and Six Seconds Middle East in partnership with Dubai Knowledge Village (DKV), the region’s first and largest center for human resource management professionals. Focused on Human Resources, Learning, and Leadership, the 450 business partners form part of a long-term economic strategy to develop the region’s talent pool and accelerate its move into a knowledge-based economy. DKV is part of TECOM Investments, a subsidiary of Dubai Holdings, one of the major economic engines of the region.

Sample Group

The invitation to participate in this study was sent by email to CEOs, General Managers, Executives, Managers and Leaders based in The Middle East by Dubai Knowledge Village as well as to those on the Six Seconds Middle East mailing list. The 418 individuals who responded by taking the assessment and performance survey range from entry-level managers to senior executives from a wide variety of organizations.

The sample group is 41% female and 59% male, ranging in age from 18-63 years (mean age is 35 years); 91% hold university degrees.

The roles represented are:

Job Level	Number	Percentage
Free-lance	7	1.7%
Employee	48	11.5%
Manager	204	48.7%
Executive	140	33.4%
Entrepreneur	19	4.5%

Or, graphically:

The sectors represented are:

Work Sector	Number of Respondents	Percentage
Education	43	10.3%
Entertainment	9	2.1%
Finance	60	14.3%
Healthcare	9	2.1%
Hospitality/Travel	89	21.2%
Industrial	23	5.5%
Other	98	23.6%
Service	40	9.5%
Technology	47	11.2%

Participants live in a variety of countries in The Middle East and represent 51 different nationalities reflecting the wide cultural diversity of the region. The most frequent nationality groups in the study include:

Country	Number of Respondents	Percentage
Jordan	9	2.15%
Germany	11	2.63%
Sweden	11	2.63%
Sri Lanka	12	2.86%
United States	12	2.86%
Egypt	13	3.10%
Philippines	18	4.30%
Lebanon	24	5.73%
Pakistan	27	6.44%
United Arab Emirates	32	7.64%
United Kingdom	39	9.31%
India	121	28.88%

Assessments

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence was measured with the Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment (SEI).[1] The SEI is based on the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence consisting of eight core competencies associated with three macro areas: Self Awareness, Self Management, and Self Direction.

• Self Awareness, called “Know Yourself” includes two competencies: Enhance Emotional Literacy and Recognize
  Patterns.
• Self Management, called “Choose Yourself” includes four competencies:> Apply Consequential Thinking, Navigate Emotions, Engage Intrinsic Motivation, and Exercise Optimism.
• The Self Direction area, called “Give Yourself,” includes Increase Empathy and Pursue Noble Goals.

The assessment provides an overall EQ score, scores for each of the three macro areas, and scores for each of the eight competencies for a total of 12 normative values.

Performance

The Performance scale was developed from a questionnaire Six Seconds has used for previous research[2] and expanded for the purposes of this study. Using a 5-point Likert scale respondents rated themselves on 42 items related to:

1. Effectiveness (completing the right work in the right timeframe)

2. Influence (engaging others in ideas)

3. Decision Making (accurately evaluating options)

4. Career (growing professionally, both in skills and revenue)

5. Relationships (building mutually supportive alliances)

6. Finance (creating prosperity)

7. Health (maintaining physical and mental fitness)

8. Quality of Life (living in a fulfilling manner)

9. Family (developing caring and connected relations)

Respondents are asked to rate their agreement with a series of statements, such as, “My choices are effective,” “People come to me to get the job done,” “I have a strong network,” “My career is progressing smoothly,” and “I am financially secure.” The 42 items form a combined variable called “Performance,” with a Cronbach alpha of a= .91 indicating high scale reliability.

The nine sub-scales of the performance questionnaire have Cronbach Alphas ranging from .57 to .83, indicating that some subscales are effective independently while others are only statistically meaningful in combination with the whole.

Analysis

A high correlation appeared between the emotional intelligence (EQ) scales and the performance outcomes. As shown in this graph, there is a strong positive relationship between EQ and Performance. Generally speaking those with higher EQ had higher Performance scores:

To assess the strength of the relationship, a linear regression analysis found in this sample, EQ is a strong predictor of the
Performance variable:F(8) = 73.22,p< .001(R square = .58).

Variations by Job Level

The relationship between emotional intelligence and performance was strongest in the group of “Entrepreneurs” where over 70% of the variation in performance is predicted by EQ scores. The relationship is still powerful, but lowest for the group of Middle Managers where 47% of the variation is performance is predicted by EQ.

Highs and Lows

Emotional Intelligence scores were also compared for those who scored in the top 25% of Performance versus those who scored in the lowest 25% in Performance. As shown in this graph, the top performers have, on average, almost 1.2x higher scores on Emotional Intelligence.

Performance Factors

To further understand the relationship between EQ and Performance, several of the Performance subscales were examined separately. This table shows the name of the scale, the Cronbach alpha[3], a sample item from the scale, and the R-squared value in percentages.[4]

Scale	Alpha	Sample item	R2
Effectiveness	.58	I am achieving what I’ve set out to accomplish	44% [5]
Quality of Life	.68	I feel good about life	34% [6]
Relationships	.75	I have a strong network	34% [7]
Decision Making	.57	I have more priorities than I can handle	49% [8]
Health	.69	I eat a balanced diet	23% [9]
Finance	.83	I am financially secure	10% [10]
Family	.68	I have a healthy work-life balance	17% [11]
Influence	.66	Others follow my ideas	38% [12]
Career	.77	I have many job opportunities	30% [13]

Conclusion

There is a very strong relationship between emotional intelligence and performance; a very large percentage of the variation in performance is predicted by EQ, especially for entrepreneurs. This finding suggests that the skills of emotional intelligence are critical for professional success at all levels, and even more critical for those creating new enterprises.

All the aspects of performance in this study can be predicted by emotional intelligence scores, but there is a great deal of variation in the strength of that correlation. The performance factors most strongly predicted by EQ are Decision Making, Effectiveness, and Influence. These outcomes are critical to leadership, suggesting that emotional intelligence is most
important in this domain.

In short: It appears that leaders who develop greater emotional intelligence are more likely to succeed.

Notes

About Six Seconds

Six Seconds is a 501(c)3 organization based in California (USA) with offices in Amman, Bologna, Brisbane, Beijing, Dubai, Kuala Lumpur, San Francisco, and Singapore. Established in 1997 Six Seconds is a global organization supporting
people to make a positive difference – everywhere, all the time. Six Seconds teaches the skills of emotional intelligence so leaders, team members, educators, children, parents, and change agents make better decisions — decisions that are life sustaining and make places where people can be and do their very best. For more information, please visit: www.6seconds.org

About Dubai Knowledge Village

Focused on Human Resources, Learning, and Leadership, the 450 business partners at DKV form part of a long-term economic strategy to develop the region’s talent pool and accelerate its move into a knowledge-based economy. DKV is part of TECOM Investments, a subsidiary of Dubai Holdings, one of the major economic engines of the region. For more information, please visit: www.kv.ae

Footnotes

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For the past 20 years, my most rigorous exercise has been carrying my laptop around the world. Still, when I went to the doctor for a checkup (finally), I was surprised and dismayed by my blood pressure.  [This article was first published 12/21/2005 — the good news:  I’ve come to like exercise!]

Over the years doctors have been saying, “you’re on the high end of normal, one of these days you’re going to have to deal with this”. In my fantasy, “one of these days” was not coming any time soon.
Since then, I’ve managed to exercise 30 of the last 34 days. It’s not so awful doing it, but thinking about it has been frustrating. Especially at the beginning, I felt trapped and powerless. I’m thinking of exercise as a punishment — how much time will I have to serve before I can go back to living how I want?

So while I’ve been successful at initiating some of the right actions, I haven’t fully addressed the emotional challenge. By force of will I can make myself exercise. I can say, “exercise or die. Let’s go,” and I get on Nordic Track. But internally it’s a battle, and that means I’m making myself a victim instead of a warrior, and it’s not a sustainable model.

At 3 and a half, my son can surely relate. He is somewhat indignant that he can’t do whatever he wants, whenever he wants to — and he makes it unpleasant for those of us who attempt to direct him otherwise.

It’s like the same thing in my head. On the one hand, I know all these benefits of exercising. I like the feeling afterwards, I like sleeping better, I like having more energy. I don’t like not being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want — so I throw these little tantrums.

Just like with Max’s tantrums, it was a great relief for me to realize I could just ignore mine. I could just say, “Go ahead and pout — I’m doing it anyway!” and get skiing. But also like trying to ignore Max’s tantrums, this is an energy drain.

When I am in the “exercise or die” mode, I am saying, “I don’t have a choice.” I’m coloring the experience with resentment and frustration. Not only does this make it less pleasant, it also makes it less sustainable.

Emotions are signals. At the most basic level, pleasant emotions mean “do this more,” and unpleasant feelings mean, “do this less.” If exercise is loaded with “yuck,” then even if I intellectually know I should, I won’t actually want to.

So how do I shift from yuck to yea? How do I go from “exercise or die” to “exercise and live!”?

I’m using several strategies:

• Questioning the underlying assumptions
• Accessing useful feelings
• Focusing on the larger purpose

Questioning the Underlying Assumptions

Questioning the underlying assumptions is about challenging my own thinking and feeling. I’ve “gone up the ladder of inference” to come to a conclusion that exercise is yucky. According to a cognitive therapeutic model, this belief is creating an emotional reaction. While the EQ perspective is that thoughts and feelings create each other, it’s still quite useful to me to examine these beliefs and the feelings connected with them.

So I can ask myself questions. For example, “What would I have to give up in order to feel that exercise is fun?” I’d have to give up 20 years of practice saying it’s yucky. I’d have to admit my mom might have been right all these years. I’d have to give up believing that taking care of my physical self is vain and superficial.

I’ve developed certain patterns and feelings about exercise (for example, “When I think I don’t have a choice, I feel resentful and run away.”). Understanding gives me a baseline for making a change, and it gives me important data about my reactions. When I get into one of my patterns I can recognize it and redirect it rather than being driven by it. It’s also helpful to know what I need to re-choose — for example, knowing these kinds of reactions has led me to get additional support that will, I hope, help make the change stick.

Accessing Useful Feelings

Accessing useful feelings is about using my emotions intentionally. We all have multiple feelings at any time. Even in the midst of feeling frustrated when I tell myself I have to exercise, I also feel proud that I’m sticking to this. By shifting my attention to the pride, to the satisfaction, to the celebration, I re-color this experience as something positive, creating an attractive experience.

It’s easy to do this, it just takes continuous reinforcement. So this morning when I had done one kilometer on the Nordic Track and was starting to feel grumpy, I shifted my attention to the accomplishment. I literally felt a burst of pride washing over me. This intentional use of feelings reinforces the change I’m trying to make.

Focusing on the Larger Purpose

Finally, focusing on the larger purpose makes both of the first two manageable. I want to be healthy because I love my family and want to be “alive and kicking” when (if) grandkids come along. I want to be healthy because I have important work I’m trying to do in the world — and it takes a lot of energy to do it! As my friend Liz says, this body is the vehicle for “doing the work” in my family and career, and while I’m riding here, I better take care of it! Why? Not because I “have to,” but because I care deeply about where I’m trying to go.

If I really mean it, if these larger purposes are deeply meaningful, then they will energize and drive me. Bringing meaning to the mundane, this awareness shifts my feeling and my thinking and transforms my behavior. It also changes the way I experience the daily activity. Instead of toil, exercise is about serving what’s best and most important in my life.

I’m pleased to say that since I began this article, I am feeling more positive and engaged in being healthy. It continues to be difficult to stay out of the old patterns, and it’s definitely an effort to exercise, but I’m fairly happy with the process.

It’s also good to see the Six Seconds’ model at work in my life. Our “Know Yourself, Choose Yourself, Give Yourself” model is about applying emotional intelligence to help people get better results in their lives and work.

Questioning the Underlying Assumptions is part of “Know Yourself” — increasing awareness of feelings and patterns.

Accessing Useful Feelings is key to “Choose Yourself” — re-evaluating and intentionally directing daily feelings, thoughts, and actions.

Focusing on the Larger Purpose is the cornerstone of “Give Yourself” — living intentionally and consciously to bring out the best we each have to offer.

So I encourage you to look at these three pillars as you consider a change in your own work or life — and if you’re working to get healthy, I hope you’ll tell me how you’re managing the emotional side!

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About the Author
Joshua Freedman is COO for Six Seconds EQ Network (www.6seconds.org), a nonprofit organization putting emotional intelligence in action with organizations and individuals around the world.

Perhaps self evident:  When people are hurt or scared, we often protect ourselves by becoming spiky or hard – creating a shell or a wall.  As we shut down our feelings to prevent more distress, we shut down not just the painful feelings but all feelings.  As the spikes get sharper, the walls higher, we shut out not just the source of threat but everyone else.

In those times we have a choice — to be protected, isolated, and numb vs vulnerable, open, and vibrant.  While the latter sounds more obviously rich, it’s not a trivial risk.  When we “know” that the world is dangerous and people are “going to” hurt us, vulnerability isn’t an easy choice.

The paradox is that no matter how sharp the spikes nor high the walls, we’ll never be safe that way.  And, even more surprising – even miraculous – is that softening, opening, accepting… walking into the fires of vulnerability we actually find the deeper safety that we crave.

What’s the first step?

One of the major issues that surfaced in the 2010 Workplace Issues Report (and the 2007 report for that matter) is being proactive.

You know – that state when you put out the fire before it’s a raging inferno?

Or maybe even take the matches and paper away from your colleague before he starts the blaze?

Seriously though — we all are faced with piles of work, but some of us (not usually me) manage to look ahead, see emerging issues and handle them gracefully.  Others of us wait ’till the challenges are in our faces.  On the survey, there were a lot of comments about leaders missing simple opportunities to address people-challenges — like giving feedback, expressing dissatisfaction with underperformance, calling someone on it when they don’t follow through… It’s pretty self-evident that work and life would be easier if we took care of these people issues when they’re small… so why is that so difficult?

I suspect it’s because our emotional brains like to focus on threats & challenges — the more immediate and urgent the more attractive.  When a problem is not pressing it floats out there in the abstract “maybe important” land.

I also find that as I think through my priorities, I cast a haze of yucky-ness on certain items.  I tell myself this will be unpleasant, unproductive, boring, annoying… and somehow that item keeps slipping to the bottom of the pile.

The obvious downside of this inactivity in proactivity is that problems escalate and require more time and attention later.  Pay now or pay more later.  The less obvious downside is about reactivity.  As issues mount, pressure builds.  The natural emotional response is to push back.  So we miss a few chances to be proactive, and now we’ve got fires burning.  Everywhere!  Instead of stepping back and carefully managing the process, we come in blasting the fire hose.  Instead of a response, we have a reaction — and inevitably our reactivity provokes reactivity from others.  Ouch.

So what keeps you from proactively dealing with people challenges?  Then what happens?

In 2005 I was Chairman of the first Emotional and Spiritual Intelligence Conference in the Middle East, a three-day program in Dubai in the United Arab Emirates. I wrote this article on the last day of the conference, May 30, 2005.

We live in a time of turmoil and uncertainty and, if we accept the world that we see in newspaper headlines, it is all too easy to forget that the vast majority of people in the world are good, caring human beings just like us.  When we meet as human beings — not as representatives of some clan or creed — there is vast common ground.

Behind the Veil

Preparing to go to the conference center, I am full of unease. I walk through the lobby strewn with rose petals, and feel surrounded by men in white dishtash and women in black abaya. I’ve worked with many Arabs and Muslims, but this is my first time in the Gulf, and I find myself curious at the sight of all this traditional garb — and worried.

I move quickly through the hall and go back stage. At a conscious level, I am telling myself that I am worried about the conference logistics, that I am concerned the audience might not understand our work, that technical glitches might interfere with learning. But none of the technology is my responsibility, and I realize that I’m bothering the technicians as a way of hiding from all these strangers.

I realized I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid that I will not be accepted, that I will be judged, that people will not listen – I often have fears like this at the beginning of a program. Here, it is stronger because, underneath, I am also afraid I will be hated or held in contempt as a Jew and an American.

Unexamined, unrecognized, the fear is influencing me on an unconscious level – influencing  me to hide away and to rationalize my behavior. Once I recognize that I am afraid, however, I can see what I am really doing and can make a choice. Especially in face of fear, it is difficult to make proactive choices.

Fortunately, in this work I have learned about a lever I can use to move myself past the fear: my sense of purpose.

I am deeply committed to co-creating an emotionally intelligent world, and I can’t do that hiding in the corner. Remembering my Noble Goal (“To inspire compassionate wisdom”) gives me the courage to act. I begin walking around the lobby speaking with some of these strangers.

They do not turn away.

I say ‘hello’ to three men wearing traditional Arab clothes. They are from Saudi Arabia. One must have noticed my effort to reach out past the fear, because he says, “Thank you for coming up to us, I guess this is part of emotional intelligence”. I hear his warmth and appreciation – he recognizes the effort, the risk, and there is something sparked between us. Maybe they too are a little afraid.

These fears are reinforced at many levels. For example, I happened to read an email from my grandmother today saying, “I wish you could stay home from all those dangerous places”. On a factual basis, the United Arab Emirates is one of the safest countries in the world. Diverse, cosmopolitan, accepting, and with hardly any crime (and, in case you’re wondering, they don’t have extreme or violent penalties for crimes). Yet, on an emotional level, many of us have such uncertainty, such fear of the unknown, about a place so different from home.

The conference kick-off is smooth. Daniel Goleman is live via satellite – and I find myself wishing he could see this room full of white-robed and black-robed delegates. He speaks about how we can influence one another on an emotional level as leaders and humans, and it seems so apropos to my experience today.

On the second day of the conference, the sense of connection gets even stronger. In my workshop on Leading with EQ, I share how we apply our Six Seconds model to business, and also to our personal and family lives. The group clearly sees the value of these tools in leadership and life, and something happens beyond the content. We all interact with each other as people and talk; we share perspectives and feelings. From dialogue comes respect and tolerance, appreciation and acceptance.

On the final day in the closing session, the discussion turns to how emotional intelligence can help bridge the gaps between people – in organizations, relationships, communities, and nations. Many of the speakers and audience members have noticed, have felt, how we are no longer a group of unknown strangers.

Danah Zohar suggests that we commit to test the power of this kind of dialogue by developing an EQ/SQ conference with Palestinians and Israelis attending together.

Following her theme, I challenge the audience and myself to consider the action we can each take to move past our fears. We can only truly access the power of our emotional and spiritual selves if we each begin with ourselves. I offer, “I would like to bring my children here”. I plan to say more, but I feel myself on the verge of tears, so I begin to call on someone else.

There is a table at the front reserved for women, all in traditional abaya and sheila (black gowns and veils). They’ve been nearly silent these three days, but now one calls out, “Why?” “Why?” she repeats assertively, “Why do you want to bring your children here?”
“Because I want them to grow up knowing Arabs as good, caring people,” I say, “People with the same hopes and dreams we all hold. Because I do not want my two Jewish and American children to grow afraid just because they do not know.”

Later I think to myself, “and because I want them to be friends with your children”.

The power of facing and voicing feelings, especially fears, is profound. Just expressing this fear I can feel the connection forming between us. At the next break, three different men come speak to me: “When you come back to the Emirates,” each says, “I want you to come to my house so your children can play with my children”.

Over and over in my travels, I’ve found that, beneath the infinite variety of human complexity, beneath the cultures and nations, beneath the religions and rivalries, beneath the differences, we are profoundly alike. I keep forgetting, and then I have these experiences to remind me. And, more and more, I am seeing that emotions are at the heart of this similarity. A universal language that both bonds us and liberates us – if we will only find the courage to learn it more deeply, and use it more carefully.

After years of “sort of trying,” I’m almost entirely thrilled to have lost 30 pounds (the “secret” is about love and joy, not suffering, but that’s another article), but there are three big downsides:

1. People don’t know what to say to me. “You look great!” is nice. “Oh, you’re finally losing weight,” not so much. Yesterday @ Men’s Warehouse seeing if suits I bought last year could be tailored, “did this suit actually fit you??” (it was said with an impressed tone.)

2. As alluded above, my clothes don’t fit. Finally cleaned the closet (which looks great empty), but hate to buy many clothes as I’m committed to losing more…

3. Where I used to ignore my weight, now I’m very conscious of how fat I still am.

Patty keeps telling me I look great, and I’ve dropped about 4 or 5 sizes in my slacks, but I don’t quite believe it. Putting on the suit yesterday, I was shocked again. Who’s this guy with the baggy pants? I feel great. And, I’m still overweight (I find “obese” nauseating, but still true according to the annoying little “balance-board guy” in Wii Fit). So there are two stories: huge progress, significant work to do. Which gets more attention? I’ve had decades of thinking myself as fat. And, where I used to just pretend I didn’t care, I’m no longer willing to hang out in Club Denial (though it’s a very comfortable place — they even have cool ‘fun house’ mirrors there).

The thing is, denial is so easy. I didn’t have to think about my choices. Nice warm rolls in a restaurant? Bring on the butter! But now, I see these indulgences as, well, indulgences. Nice to have once in a while, but not a reasonable route for the day to day.

I love how strong I am now — not like I’m ready for a marathon or something, but the other week in Dubai I walked & jogged almost every morning. Voluntarily! I can climb a couple flights of stairs, or do 20 pushups, or other more fun activities and not be short of breath. I’m thrilled that I now actually LIKE exercise (gasp). But at the same time, I’ve become conscious that I don’t like the roll around my middle. So I’ve got this paradox, at the same time loving and disgusted by my body. That might be too strong a word, it’s not self-hate — but almost every day I notice my belly fat and want it gone.

Perhaps the most difficult part of change is that results come slowly. I mean, if I give up on those wonderful indulgences and exercise every day for a WHOLE long week, shouldn’t that produce results? Where’s the payoff?

Intellectually I KNOW that I’m in this for the long haul, it’s a lifestyle change, not a diet. I KNOW I took 30+ years to get into this state and it’s going to take more than a few months to get out of it. I KNOW I should be proud of the progress, and I am pleased with the last six months — in fact last year was one of the best in my life. It’s perplexing. I’ve got more energy than I can remember, I’m eager to get up the morning… and I’ve got a great excuse to buy more clothes! At the very same time, I’m dissatisfied, and I guess I’m afraid to fully believe this “good news.”

Max, Emma, Patty and I regularly listen to audiobooks in the car.  There are amazing EQ lessons in these stories, and I find that listening to them creates a strong emotional connection — plus it’s a great way to keep the peace on long drives!

On the plane yesterday, listened to the end of Pam Munoz Ryan’s book, Esperanza Rising, a lovely story of a family and a young woman learning, “never be afraid to start over.”  Esperanza is a privileged child growing up in a wealthy family on El Rancho de las Rosas in Mexico.  Her father is killed, and for a variety of reasons she and her mother escape to the Central Valley in California where they live in a farmworker’s camp during the Depression.  Amidst threats of strikes, illness, loss, fear, and scarcity, Esperanza’s hands harden, but her heart softens.  She learns empathy and her optimism is fueled by connectedness to family, the land, and community.

As the story ended, I was sobbing, touched by the hope and strength in these women, their courage, compassion, and openness to life.  It’s a beautifully woven tale, a dark and serious time in our history entwined with shining threads of love and resilience.

The narrator, Trini Alvarado, did a beautiful job — I’m sure the book is lovely in print as well — but I highly recommend listening to it.

For teachers, Esperanza Rising would be ideal for discussions of the emotional intelligence competencies of Exercise Optimism and Increase Empathy, as well as for themes of migration, power, and, of course for California history.  The fact that the story is based on the author’s grandmother’s real life makes it even richer.

Based on Emma & Max’s reactions, I’d say this is great from ages about 7 and up.

I’m distressed about purposelessness.

The serious companies with whom we consult worldwide have all spent time, and usually a lot of money, crafting a “vision-mission-values” statement. There seems to be some confusion about why. Sometimes, it seems, they’ve made one because that’s what everyone else does.  Something’s just not “clicking” – or maybe I’m just on another planet with this issue?

Clearly it’s difficult for a large organization to stay focused when people don’t have a shared picture of where they’re going.  What are we in business to accomplish?  To avoid confusion, let’s call this the “What.” Most mission statements I’ve seen have some clarity around the What:  To be the best bank in someplace.  To deliver world-class hospitality.  To deliver technology solutions supporting key government programs.

Then it seems valuable to at least have an idea of strategy – how we’re going to do that (but in my experience good strategy changes rapidly with changing circumstance).  This is the “How.” How sounds like: By maximizing lending through blah blah.  By touching the heart.  By integrating robust services for rapid deployment.  These are interesting, sometimes important, but rarely powerful.

The tragically missing ingredient is the WHY.

I am most often invited to do leadership programs for senior executives or for high potentials (upper level but usually younger managers being groomed for senior leadership positions).  Occasionally I get to work with both groups in the same organization, and it’s fascinating to see how these groups each relate to the mission-vision-values statement.  Often the senior leaders are excited, they’ve been involved in the creation and it has meaning, significance, to them (though sometimes it’s “just something HR did”).  I’ve never seen a group of high potentials likewise touched by these documents.

Some executives, particularly finance types, seem very excited about phrases like “being the best in,” and perhaps that is a big enough WHY for them.  Perhaps encoded in that phrase is something deeper than financial gain?  But it doesn’t seem to translate to a compelling purpose for middle managers, and it certainly leaves me flat.

One of most powerful human drives is to belong to something worthwhile; so perhaps leadership is about enrolling people in a truly significant purpose.  To tap this power, we need two ingredients:  significance and belonging.

What constitutes significance?  A start is “value above and beyond utility.”  Something can have non-utilitarian value because it’s beautiful or impressive or makes us laugh.  A great statue, an impressive building, a winning team or a compelling story all have value above and utility. That’s part of the human experience from time immemorial and not a bad touchstone for motivation. Maybe “being the best,” if it really happened, would have significance.   I suspect that companies that change their domains, like Apple has done with mobile computing, carry significance because of that groundbreaking experience.  But there’s still something deeper: meaning.

If significance is about value, then meaning is about purpose. “Purpose above and beyond utility.”  In other words, a real answer to WHY.

I suspect that I’m a bit of an extremist in this regard.  For me, “to make money” doesn’t qualify because that’s not above and beyond utility.  “To be the best” doesn’t qualify because that’s not a purpose (it’s a recognition of something).  “Giving 1% of profits to charity” doesn’t work for me because that’s a byproduct of the organization’s success, not the focus in and of itself.  When I seek meaning, I am looking for a profound commitment where the work of the organization is threaded in the very fabric of life.

In itself, this kind of purpose, a “real WHY,” is tough to find.  But even more difficult is keeping it real in a growing, dynamic organization.  I’ve heard there are some that have done this, but in the hundreds of companies where I’ve worked, and in the many thousands my colleagues and I have touched, I’m hard pressed to think of more than two – and both of those are nonprofits where the WHY is clear, but their HOW isn’t!

How depressing.

Or maybe – what a great opportunity for us?

In the Six Seconds Model, the “capstone” is a competency we call “Pursue Noble Goals,” which enables you to connect with purpose in your daily life — to put your purpose into action.

Daniel Pink’s video about his new book, DRIVE, provides a fun and clear way of talking about this essential topic:

Two questions that can change your life from Daniel Pink on Vimeo.

Here are a few other pieces from our blog about this topic…

About “pursuing” a noble goal

The purpose of a noble goal

Purpose and the generation gap

Putting it in action today

Randy Pausch’s “Last Lecture” about Achieving Your Childhood Dreams.