Evenings, weekends, whatever it takes to get the job done. I resist the word “obsessed.” “Committed” sounds much better. “It is only work,” a friend quips one night as I head back to the office. Only? In so many ways my identity is my work — I am what I do.

So with passion and purpose I dive into another project. Sometimes I notice that after I finish one, there are at least two more on my “to do” list. It reminds me of that Greek hero — perhaps Hercules? — slaying the hydra; each time he cut one head off, two more grew in its place. Finally, a sad but beautiful truth dawns: I can work 24/7 every day of my life — every day of three lifetimes — and I will still not be done with my work.

It is genuinely a sad truth because I believe in my work; I know that I am making the world a better place for our children.

It is a beautiful truth because it sets me free to live the life in which I genuinely believe. A life where I am what I do — and where what I do includes work, family, friends, spirit, nature, health, etc. I have long said to myself and others that my values include balance, that family comes first, that I need time out to “sharpen the saw” (Covey) — but when “I just need to finish this project,” it is so easy to slip from living those values.

I am privileged — In addition to the joy of work that I love, I have a family that I love, hobbies, commitments, and relationships that sustain me outside of work. So all those times when have I said, “Hon, I need to work late this week to finish a project,” I have felt conflict; while I wanted to live a complete life, I also wanted to complete my work. Every time I found myself working nonstop, I recognized that I was compromising my values but justifying that based on the importance of my work.

The recognition that I will not finish all my work eliminates my best excuse for failing to live my values. Since I will not finish anyway, how can I justify leaving my wife and baby girl alone at night?

Of course there still are some deadlines which I need to meet. I might stay up late writing an article for Priorities, for example, but I do not do so in a systematic way. These late nights are now the exception, not the rule.

Another obvious — but stunning — result of realizing that I will not finish all the work is that I am forced to re-prioritize on a regular basis. If I pretend that I will get through everything on the “to do” (which is usually 3 pages long), then I can pick whatever item is easy to start. Usually those are the most fun, most visible, or most something. Once I realize that I will not get them all done, I have to pick strategically.

There is something uniquely satisfying about crossing items off the to do list when the have been done. While that’s still my favorite to-do activity, the new parts of my strategic to-do process are almost as good: I move items from “to do” over to “good ideas.” I move items from my “to do” over to other people’s. I also throw some away — which has gotten to be almost as much fun as crossing them off. It is a game I play with myself to write everything down then get rid of most of it.

The result is a “to do” list that consists of more “keystone” pieces. These are the tasks on which other people’s work will hinge. If I get a seminar scheduled, someone else can get money in the door. If I get our team to Africa, someone there can build his program. There are a couple of goals that may help you pick the keystone tasks:

1. Multiply your efforts. Will this task allow other people to pick up the ball? Though it means giving up “control,” it also means giving empowerment.

2. Multiply your outcomes. Which pieces of work can be used again in multiple ways? Can this effort become part of many projects?

3. Multiply your benefits. Which pieces have both short term and long term benefits?

4. Play to your forte. Is this something which will be far more effective, faster and easier for you to do than another person?

5. Let your team be strong. Like taking pieces that fit your forte, give away pieces that let others shine.

6. There is not enough time to do all the work.

7. There will be more.

“There will be more” is my way of holding fast to number six. Once I have such a strong to-do list, I may find it seducing me — the lure of crossing out those items is strong. Then I will be done! Except I won’t be. The other piece of “there will be more” is that sometimes I feel at loose ends, like there are not clear strategic steps to take. So at those times it is important for me to remember that there will be plenty more work for me.

Like learning any new skill, I frequently fail in my commitment to remember that there is not enough time. Each failure is an opportunity to learn the lesson more deeply — and perhaps by the time I retire I will have mastered these techniques.

Some managers hear “tell everyone to do less” and immediately leap to the conclusion that if they admit that there is not enough time to do all this work, their teams will fall apart. Running fast makes everyone look necessary. They see a highly productive work force is one that works a lot — the more hours working the more work gets done — and use “finishing” as the major motivator of their employees.

The reality is that more work is not more productive. One of my colleagues in the EQ field, Esther Orioli, once told me the number one issue that she addresses is excessive overtime. We have all seen those organizations where it is devastating to possible promotion if you leave before nine or ten o’clock — so how motivated are those employees to work efficiently? If I am going to be there ’till 10, I know I am not going to bust my chops all morning!

You can see the culture of overwork around the water cooler. Organizations where overwork is the norm, people like to complain about how late they were working. They hang out getting coffee and talk about overwork for a half an hour, then go write a couple emails about it, and then discuss it some more. After they have ensured that they will not get the day’s work done before nine, then it is safe to dig in.

Imagine if we adopted the Swedish view of work hours: People who work past closing time are considered inefficient. What would happen if you created a work culture which says, “If you can not get a day’s work in before 5, you must be having trouble prioritizing”? Obviously there is something awesome people being willing to work 80 hours per week — but we can not pretend that there are not also costs. On a personal level, what happens to an efficient worker’s productivity and motivation when she watches her colleague collect overtime as a reward for being inefficient?

In terms of motivation, I am clear that task completion is motivating for me. I hate to be so banal, but I do like crossing things off my list. I like going to staff meetings and showing everyone how many of my tasks are done. But research on motivation suggests that it is not so much the well-worn list that is affecting me. In fact, some researchers claim that the real motivating factor is a sense of belonging. So maybe walking in with my tatty list is a way of ensuring that I have a place at the table.

It is through the balance of all areas of my life that each is enriched; when I provide time to live my values, I bring my love to work and am far more powerful — and when I bring my purpose home, I am a better father. In the end, what motivates me is a sense that I am doing good and important work in the company of others doing the same. And if all I do is work, I quickly lose touch with the true importance of what I am doing. It is through my time with family, friends, nature — it is through frisbee on the beach, through a candle lit dinner, through giggling with the baby that I see that I am contributing to something truly good and important.

 

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This article first appeared on www.6seconds.org 7.1.01

Communication in the workplace is a constant challenge. The pressures to perform and the chaos of constant change often create an environment which makes a “meeting of the minds” seem like an oxymoron.

Fortunately, research on emotions and the brain has helped clarify key communication tools. Paying attention to emotional subtext will build a deeper person-to-person communication. If you learn to listen from your mission, you will leap ahead in problem solving. Finally, make sure you know “whose ‘but’ ‘should’ be on the line” to ensure that communication is a two way process, not an assertion of power.

Emotional Subtext

You know how you can coo to your dog in a really sweet, loving voice, “Oh you stupid mutt I am going to get you for chewing up the sofa again,” and he hears, “good boy, sweet boy, good boy”? I hate to admit this publicly, but I am a bit like that dog in a recurring argument with my wife. It goes like this:

“Honey, are you mad?” (I ask innocently)

“No.” (I hear some tension in her voice) “I am not mad.” (That sounds like anger to me!)

“Hmmmm,” I ponder to myself, “she sure sounds mad….” “Uh, are you not even a little mad?”

“I said I am not mad, okay?”

“Okay, I just… well, I feel like you are mad.” In hindsight, I see this is a tactical error, but I somehow go for it every time. Before long, she’ll say, “Well now I am mad, you made me mad!” In our case, I am sure some of the miscommunication comes from each of us. Most of the time when I ask if she is mad, she actually is mad — but like many people who do not like conflict, she does not want to seem mad. I make it worse by “picking” at the irritation. In the office, people often follow the same pattern, but the reactions are cloaked in politeness. I say to my colleague, “So are you okay with this proposal?” He isn’t, but doesn’t want to argue about it, and says, “Sure, it is okay.” And I hear, “Don’t be an idiot, I hate it!” I am left with mixed messages and am unsure what he really thinks and how he really feels about the proposal and about me.

It is easier to see emotional subtext by watching others that by watching ourselves. For instance, turn on a congressional debate, and notice when a representative stands and says, “I would like to disagree with my esteemed colleague from across the aisle.” We all hear just how “esteemed” the colleague is at that moment — but the speaker pretends he is being polite, and the “esteemed colleague” is often provoked to respond to the emotion under the words.

If you break a communication down into component pieces, research shows that around ten percent of the message is the words (Albert Mehrabian). Most of the message is the tone and other “paralanguage.” And while we frequently manipulate the words (i.e., lie), research says that even a 5 year old child can accurately decipher the paralanguage in less than 10 seconds.

Why does it matter? After all, in most of our daily communication, we work hard to build clarity and to be tactfully truthful. Usually the issue is more confusion than deliberate obfuscation. One source of that confusion is the reality that we usually feel more than one emotion at a time.

In the “I am not mad” fight, Patty (my wife) probably was not, in fact, mad. She was a little “irritated mad,” or some part of her was mad, or she was mad in some ways or peeved about some thing. She was not “full-blown, duke-it-out mad,” so she was not deliberately deceiving me — rather she was conflicted, and I perceived one piece of the puzzle. I focused on that piece because of some of my own feelings, so all in all we achieved a limited communication with little depth, shallow context, and muddy clarity.

To avoid this pitfall, perhaps the most essential tool is for me to be clear on what I am feeling — or more accurately the blend of emotion I am feeling — and ensure that my spoken communication does not contradict that palette of feelings. If I can not align my thoughts, feelings, and actions, I will need to postpone the discussion until I can be more completely clear.

 

Listen From Your Mission.

There is no effective communication without effective listening. Listening is the tool which turns words into communication. Right now, you could be reading this article and no matter how clever or useful these words may be, if you are thinking of something else entirely and not “listening,” the words on this page will not enter your brain. Physiologically, there is a part of your brain — the hippocampus — which determines your focus. The hippocampus is like a great receptionist in the office of your brain. It looks at the “phone” in your brain, sees three lights on, and says, “no way that brain is going to take another call – I’ll just get rid of this guy.” And like a good receptionist, the hypocampus is highly sensitive to what’s going on in the office, sees how tense people are, how busy, how concerned, and evaluates incoming traffic.

Also like great receptionists, you can not fool your hippocampus. You say, “I am ready to take the call,” but mean, “I can’t believe I’ve got to take another call now, this is totally insane, I am still…” and your hippocampus knows. The result is a partial brain shut down — a “tune out” that can also turn into depression, anxiety, withdrawal, fatigue.

It turns out that a major mechanism for getting your hippocampus to pay attention is emotion. When you actually care (or feel anything strongly, or when there is a lot of variety for your brain), the hippocampus “tunes in” and you pay more meaningful attention.

So if you want to actually listen, you have to go beyond the outward steps of “active listening” we all learned as rote procedure for dealing with conflict. You actually have to care; to commit.

You might not care about the person, you might not care about the conversation, or the issue, but you do care that your behavior helps you meet your real goals, your objectives.

In other words, we each have a personal mission — it might not be written, but each of us is pursuing certain goals — and in almost any communication you can ask yourself, “how does my communication right now help or hinder my personal mission?” If you don’t have that mission written, now is a good time: writing your personal mission is like having a compass when you are reading a map.

For many people, their personal mission includes some kind of problem solving, some kind of learning, some kind of personal accountability, some kind of making the world better. This “outer-directed” thinking makes it easier to connect with people while communicating — it gives you a context of caring. It’s a useful resource — and without it, your communication is doomed to shades of mediocrity.

Perhaps this capacity is one of the reasons that emotional intelligence is such a critical part of success. People who can bring their hearts on-line are able to listen to the message beyond the words. They are able to turn the conflict into a learning opportunity. To persevere in spite of the complexity, the messiness, the frustration.

 

Whose “But” “Should” Be On The Line?

Conversations frequently occur against a backdrop of shifting power. The concern over who gets to have the final word is as old as the perennial 3-year-olds’ cry: “You are not the boss of me!” So between “Well our data shows,” and the “In every case I’ve managed,” and “I was just speaking with…” we have a tremendous range of not-so-veiled statements that mean, “I deserve to be listened to.” “I have a place at this table.” “I am right.”

We also have learned a host of more subtle words which help grab power. The problem is that power grabbed is not usually lasting — and bludgeoning employees with our own status does little to generate collaboration and rarely moves us closer to actually solving a problem or meeting a challenge.

Two of the most pervasive power-grab words are “but,” and “should.” Personally, I learned them from my grandmother. “Josh, you are such a good, smart, creative young man, but why aren’t you a lawyer? You should be a lawyer — or a doctor.” I love my grandmother, and I forgive her, and I know that is part of a grandmother’s job. At the same time, it is not my job in daily conversation.

When I say “but,” I am actually saying, “everything before the word ‘but’ is not actually important to me.” “It is a good proposal, but…” “You’ve been a great help, but…” “I love the model, but…”

An alternative to “but” is “and.” “The report is good, and unfortunately I don’t think it is going to fly.” There is no need to totally eliminate “but” — sometimes it is exactly what you mean: “These are all valid reasons, but I am going to take the risk anyway.”

The “should” means that I have the right — even the obligation — to set your priorities for you. Often this feels like the case; you might feel perfectly entitled to set your assistant’s priorities. But (ah, hear that?), don’t then turn around and ask why he is not a self-starter, why he lacks initiative, why you always have to spell out the agenda. So far more valuable than “should” is “could with feeling.” “You could do the filing first, and that would help me.”

As an experiment, pay attention every time you say “but” or “should” and ask yourself if that is the word you really mean. Ask yourself if you are using the word to control the situation, hold onto power, and be right — or are you using it to create a shared understanding.

 

 

Remember, the goal of communication is not for you to deliver your idea. It is to build a bridge between two people and meet in the middle. When you’re there, you’ll get a better view, be more powerful, and feel better too.

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This article first appeared on 6seconds.org 2.6.2000

 

Wading upstream through cars and hawkers, past shops glowing with ornate 24 karat bling, we decided to take a risk on an unassuming little restaurant.  Our table was just off the sidewalk, open to the Kuala Lumpur night in Little India.  After amazing dosas and delicious Indian treats, for the first time, I tried chai masala tea and I fell in love with its spicy creamy warmth.

Years ago my brother told me how great it is and tried to get me to try it;  I rejected it without even a taste.  I “knew,” beyond a shred of doubt, that it was bad.  I’d never tried it, heck, I didn’t even know what it was!  But I was certain and a bit superior in my confidence, and I had that sense of digging my heels into the ground, ready to battle to be right. Yet in the steamy evening air of KL, it was so easy to try something new.  Why?  

Why was I so happy being certain… and then why was I completely open to the risk later?  In addition to being a bit of a self-righteous idiot, it turns out that there is an important set of neurological functions at play here.  A brain battle that has important implications both personally and organizationally.

A sophisticated brain is the human edge — they allow us to negotiate the risks of a complex world — to survive and, hopefully, thrive.  To do that, our brains need a quick way of testing: “Is everything ok?”  “Are we safe?”  One of the most basic “acid tests” our brains use is comfort:  When we’re comfortable, our brains surmise, all is good.

This is a paradox and trap, because in a rapidly changing environment, short-term comfort often has deleterious consequence.  The “comfort test” works better when life is very stable; it prevents us from falling into difficult unknows and going off the deep end.  But since innovation and growth require some risk, some departure from the comfort zone, the “comfort test” has a terrible cost.  To balance this pressure toward sameness, our brains also have the capacity to project, to imagine, to plan for the unknown — to go into new territory without having to actually having to face the dangers.

Zooming into the neurobiology, in a sense we have a tug-of-war between the striatum and the amygdala, between opportunity and risk.  The striatum is part of the basal ganglia, a “bump” at the lower-back of the brain implicated in many aspects of decision-making as well as balance and navigation.  Interestingly, this center seems to manage balance both in terms of physical motion and in terms of wisdom.  The striatum, specifically, is tied to reward, novelty, and forward planning.  When we’re looking ahead, anticipating with pleasure, and innovating the striatum is active.

However, when we’re anxious or uncertain, activity here decreases.  For example, a team of neuroeconomists at Caltech ran an experiment with decision-making; as uncertainty increased, fear centers in the brain became more active while there was decreased activities in the striatum (Ming Hsu et al 2005).  

As doubts creep in, activity in the amygdala increases and we move more into a fear/reaction/protection response automatically rejecting the novelty.  As the incisive Jonah Lehrer puts is, “This the curse of uncertainty: it makes everything feel unappealing” (2010).  Conversely, of course, we experience the blessing of certainty:  It makes everything feel better.  We “know the answer” and don’t need to deal with the doubts… very comfortable!  But we don’t learn.

Since learning is so important to human survival, we have also developed wiring to motivate learning, but this will be regulated by the comfort/risk dynamic.  Dopamine, a neuro-chemical that gives us a kind of internal reward, is often associated with pleasure-seeking.  In a fascinating meta-analysis of brain imagery studies, Roy Wise found a connection between dopamine reward and “stamp in” a useful response, which, he says, is “ essential for the control of motivated behaviour by past experience” (Wise, 2004) — aka, learning.  When we plan ahead, consider possibilities, try something and experience success, we get this lovely reward of a rush of feel-good-dopamine.

So why was it easier for me to try chai in KL?  I suspect there were two factors, each with significant implications for individual and organizational change.

One – in a situation where I was actively learning, awake, engaged, exploring, the dopamine-learning-reward pathway was already highly activated.  So my brain was telling me, “learning feels good!”

How can we activate that positive experience of learning for ourselves and others?  If we do, it will open people  to new learning.

Two – I was out of my usual context, so it was normal to be uncertain, but I was not so far out of my comfort zone as to shift over to protection.

How can we get ourselves and others out of our usual context, into a situation different-but-positive enough that new perspectives create curiosity rather than righteous ego-protection?  If we do, it becomes less important to be certain because we’re on an adventure.

Do you see ways of strengthening these two conditions in your life, in your classroom, workplace team, or organization?  If innovation, growth, and learning are key for you to reach your goals, then ensure these two drivers are central to your planning and I suspect you’ll find the process faster and more efficient — not to mention a whole lot more fun.

At a personal level, I see this dynamic recurring in many places.  I am “sure” and happy in my rightness, and I use that excuse to evade.  Perhaps the most destructive version is that I spent decades evading exercise because I was sure that it wasn’t good.  Now that I’ve given it a shot, I’ve come to discover that all those people who said, “once you get into it, you’ll love it,” were right.  Yet even now, I feel this resistance to admitting that I was completely wrong.  It’s like being “wrong” is very bad, very dangerous — subconsciously “wrong” means I’m not trying hard enough, it means I’m not worthy of recognition.  Yet I am absolutely certain that uncertainty, balancing in a place of risk, being willing to stay in discomfort, is the most powerful step toward real growth.

 

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©2011 Joshua Freedman

Brain image source

Can you hold someone accountable? Some people talk about accountability as a system for making sure people do what we want them to do. In other words, a way of creating obedience — the person in power shapes behavior through rewards and punishments. In this system, the “boss” sets expectations, and the “inferior” person complies. The boss “holds people accountable” by punishing those who disobey. While the inferior may follow through, they really on do it out of fear or greed — without the boss and his rewards or punishments, the action would not occur. So, the inferior only does the work when he might get caught — this is obedience, not accountability.

So what’s real accountability? Accountability means accepting responsibility for the outcome of your choices. It means taking ownership of your life — the successes and the failures. Under this definition, I can not make someone else accountable, all I can do is set a context for people to become accountable. If I take responsibility for someone else’s life, I actually take away his accountable.

If accountability means “owning my results” (another way of saying, “accepting responsibility for the outcomes of my choices”) then what’s the opposite? Non-accountability means giving up ownership, or even forcing others to take ownership of my results. It means being a victim. Think of a non-accountable person in a workplace — can you see how they evade responsibility for failures AND for successes? They’re along for the ride. So the question of accountability is simple: Do you want to ride along in your life, or drive?

If I am not choosing to be accountable, what am I choosing? If I “ride along,” am I part of the problem instead of part of the solution? Am I a “slacker?” A “taker?” A “victim?” Sometimes I am all of these. Sometimes I choose to take a break from the hard work of actually leading my life. Ironically I’m most likely to do that at home — in the place I care most about modeling my best self. One reason it’s easy for me to be less accountable at home is that my wife is so strong, capable, and nurturing. I know she’ll forgive me, and I take advantage of that by doing less than my best. It’s awfully seductive sometimes to stay in that passive, non-accountable role.

When I was teaching, it was a constant struggle to increase accountability for some students. Some kids consistently failed to do their best work, and I told them I was not satisfied with that performance. At the same time, I know that sometimes I read student homework thoroughly, and sometimes I barely looked at it. The result was that I was creating a context of inconsistent accountability — not only was I modeling poorly, I was making the choice to leave “wiggle room” or ambiguity. I can see now that if I wanted my students to be more accountable, I had to be more accountable.

In my work with managers, teachers, and parents, I see this dynamic over and over. We want people to behave a certain way, and we confuse obedience and accountability. Real accountability takes a great deal of effort, so we attempt to mandate it, and the results are mediocre. When it’s something people “should do,” those who don’t like accountability dig in their heels and resist — the more it’s a “have to,” the more they resist! On the other hand, if the resistors can see that accountable people have more inner power, learning, joy, and fulfillment, perhaps they’ll be more likely to join?

If we want better results, we become doubly accountable. We find the loopholes and “wiggle room” we’re leaving, and do the hard work to close those gaps. Then we do the even harder work of following through on every single promise that we make. Against that backdrop, others’ lack of accountability becomes vivid and uncomfortable, and they develop an inner motivation to grow.

Wiggle room is the gray area we leave when we don’t say what we really mean because we are not committed to total clarity. In my own interactions, I leave wiggle room for a variety of reasons. If I take out the wiggle room — and use accountable communication — I have to make stronger commitments. There are some significant costs to getting to that level of clarity:

• Clarity takes time: In the rush of day-to-day life, who has time to slow down and be specific?
• Clarity might mean more work: For example, perhaps Patty, my wife, is asking me to help get ready for a party. I suspect she wants a lot of work from me, so I evade a specific commitment — I don’t say exactly what I will do, by when; instead I work a bit then hide for awhile. In consultant-speak, I have not committed to specific deliverables.
• Clarity can mean loss of face: If I make a specific commitment and don’t follow through, it will be evident that I failed.
• Seeking clarity can imply a lack of trust: When you ask questions about “what exactly am I committing to?” and “What if it doesn’t go as planned?” people begin to call you “lawyer-ish.” They might even say, “It will just work out, don’t you trust me?”
• Asking for specific commitment appears aggressive: Especially for people conditioned to “be nice,” it can be extremely uncomfortable to push someone to make a clear commitment.
• An ambiguous agreement might lead to a “better deal”: If we pin one another down to specifics, there’s no way I am going to get more that I’ve asked for, but if it’s open, I could be pleasantly surprised.

Given all these problems with creating accountability, why would I do it? Just reading my own list I’m feeling threatened by the apparent conflict in this accountable communication! First, it’s important to see that many of those potential negatives are simply assumptions. For all I know, the other person could welcome accountable communication as a breath of fresh air! The certain negatives of non-accountability should have more weight than the potential negatives of my assumptions. More importantly, by practicing accountable communication I will empower myself and empower others.

So, assuming you see that the benefits outweigh the costs, here are four “checkpoints” to watch in creating accountable communication:

1. Am I hiding? (Don’t miss the chance!)
2. Am I hedging? (Don’t “try”!)
3. Am I “making it ok“? (Don’t “rescue”!)
4. Am I supporting learning? (Don’t over-simplify!)

“Am I hiding?” is a reminder to push yourself and others to identify the specific details of the commitment — often called “rules of engagement,” “deliverables,” or “conditions of satisfaction.” In practice, this might sound like, “I am not 100% clear on what you want me to agree to — let’s talk through the specifics.” Or, “Let me repeat back what I hear you asking.” The words you use are not so important as your intention to be clear. Sometimes people will be rude or tactless in the name of clarity, “I’m just being direct,” they’ll say to themselves. Most often, this kind of behavior is just another way of hiding. Some people hide from clarity through shyness, some people hide through roughness, neither works. True clarity is vivid and calm — like a cool wind on a hot day, like a silver bell ringing in the gloaming, like a child’s kiss on your cheek. When you experience it, you know. If you choose to stop hiding, you will experience clarity more often.

“Am I hedging?” asks you to either make a commitment or not — there is not middle ground to clear commitment. If you are not ready to commit, say, “Right now, my answer is no,” or “I will think about it,” or “I’d like to discuss this again in 24 hours.” Most people say, “I’ll try,” when they mean, “No, but I don’t want to let you down,” or “This is a low priority for me.” If you say, “I’ll try,” it leaves wiggle room a mile wide. If you intend to leave wiggle room, then saying, “I’ll try” is effective. You just have to be careful because it’s totally ambiguous; you might mean, “I’m going to commit in a moment,” or you might mean, “Not in a hundred years!” — how are other people going to know? They’ll make assumptions about what you mean by, “try,” you’ll make assumptions about what they heard, and you will have a muddle.

“Am I “making it ok”?” If you are “making it ok” when someone fails in their commitment, you are reducing accountability. If that’s what you intend to do, perhaps because you know they’re just learning, or having a difficult time, then “making it ok” is fine. Otherwise, tell them you are not satisfied and you ask for redress. When they give an excuse, you empathically listen and kindly, firmly negotiate a new agreement. This is a foreign language to many people, it seems uncomfortable and “not nice” to confront someone with their failure to follow through. On the other hand, is it “nice,” to let someone break their word to you and then lie about your real feelings about that? Discomfort is not bad! Discomfort and remorse are important teachers, and when you take those away from people because you don’t like “making them uncomfortable,” you take away their learning. At the same time, remember that people don’t learn under threat — so you have to carefully watch how much you push people. The balance is the point of the last checkpoint.

“Am I supporting learning?” is an essential reminder about the real purpose of accountability — growing. And forgiveness is an essential nutrient for growth. Every moment, we each have the chance to practice our skills and get better — the goal is to be conscious and intentional, not to be perfect. I make mistakes, you make mistakes, and others do to. Life is complicated, events occur that we could not predict, and caring people shift their priorities to meet the changing landscape. Sometimes you consciously need to leave wiggle room so people can save face, sometimes you conscious break one of the other three rules. The point is to do this intentionally rather than habitually. You can choose to be clear and accountable as well as flexible, generous, and caring! Just keep practicing.

If you support your own learning, and support others to keep learning, you will automatically increase this deep, meaningful inner accountability. Instead of motivating by punishment, motivate by curiosity. Motivate yourself and others by inspiring commitment to something worth learning, worth learning to do with 100% of your capacity and greatness. This kind of accountability will increase joy, commitment, fun, personal power, and it’s infectious! As you practice internal accountability and clear communication, you become an inspiration to others to do the same, and together you create the best possible results.

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Joshua Freedman is a leading expert on using emotional intelligence to improve performance.  He is the COO of Six Seconds, The Emotional Intelligence Network, and author of At the Heart of Leadership and INSIDE CHANGE. This model of accountability is inspired by the late Mike Blondell and by Action Technologies.

©2003, Joshua Freedman – All Rights Reserved – www.6seconds.org

People often ask me about the difference between Six Seconds and other emotional intelligence consulting/training approaches. Usually I talk about our depth and breadth of experience – we’ve done this for 14 years full time, offices in 8 countries, work in every sector… and usually I mention that as a not-for-profit, we are driven to do this work, it’s our passion and purpose.

While that’s all true, I’ve been thinking about WHY. Why are you interested in EQ? Is it for knowledge, or for change? And if it’s for change, how do you turn emotional awareness and effectiveness into action? For many Six Seconds practitioners, the answer starts with transformational learning.

In some ways, all of us who are concerned with increasing EQ — as managers, parents, friends, teachers, coaches — are engaged in learning and teaching. So how do we each see that working?

The other founders of Six Seconds and I all come from the world of education, and in particular from a specific philosophy of constructivist learning where discovery and meaning are more important than “right answers.” Coupled with emergent neuroscience on the way the human brain learns, this drives a unique, powerful approach to instruction that requires head+heart+hands working together. For example, Anabel Jensen, our President, teaches her graduate courses in the university with no lectures.

I got thinking about this post because I’m on the plane for Australia, and was mentally reviewing course materials for the EQ Certification… including: Clothes line & pins, playing cards, wikki stix, museum kits, bagels, almonds, candies, sand, rubber ducks, rope, post-its… I usually travel with two large suitcases of this kind of esoteric-everyday equipment.

As you might guess, passing through customs as a Six Seconds trainer is… amusing. As are the classes! But using all this “fun stuff” is also extremely serious:

If we genuinely seek to create change by building new awareness – by teaching – then we have to get out of the ineffective 19th Century mindset of instruction-as-information-dump. In that model, the teacher is the expert who wields knowledge as power and seeks submission. “Bow down and I will fill your head with my knowledge.” But in a world where people need to actually think and solve problems (versus regurgitating stale “knowledge”), that model needs to go away. It’s a pervasive trap and is the #1 enemy of transformational learning.

I’d also suggest that as teachers, this requires us to practice emotional intelligence. It’s seductive to be the one with the answers, to be the sage on the stage. In some places, people have called me a “guru” and I wince at the implication, but at the same time I’m delighted by the honor and praise. I grew up in that “knowledge is power” system too, and so a piece of me will always seek the validation of being the one who knows. So I have to notice this seduction, stay out of that pattern, and continually re-choose to be who I mean to be as a teacher — a partner in a shared process of meaningful discovery.

At the heart of Six Seconds’ learning design is a recognition that learning is a human process — yes, there are mechanics (see above!) but it doesn’t work if it’s mechanistic. To keep this “front and center,” we’ve developed a learning philosophy that drives our teaching, as well as a specific learning design to structure the learning experience. Applying this, by the way, is the central content of our new Advanced Trainer Certification (see www.6seconds.org/training).

Here are the five principles of Six Seconds’ Learning Philosophy:

Wisdom Lives Within: Our job is to create an environment/experience where people can find their own answers. Self-reflection is key!
In action: Ask, don’t tell. Provide time and space for reflection. Share your own reflection. Validate answers — focus on the deeper concepts vs. “right answers.” Don’t read slides — ask good questions about slides.

No Way is The Way: People learn in a variety of ways, and we need to teach to many learning styles. We also need to adapt and flex to effectively work with the complexities of real people.
In action: Engage many different learning styles so different people can learn in their own best ways. In each conclusion, participants are encouraged to do their own synthesis and craft their own authentic next steps.

The Process is the Content: Learning comes from experiencing and reflecting — doing, thinking, and feeling. Our job is to model and to use our own emotional intelligence so others can develop theirs.
In action: Use an experiential approach with many opportunities for discovery — as well as powerful conceptual theories. Facilitators will be most successful if they model their own emotional intelligence in setting up and debriefing the process.

1,2,3 PASTA!: If people don’t take action with what they’ve learned, we have not changed their lives and improved the world. So we need to help them put new ideas into action.
In action: Foster the feelings of anticipation, excitement, joy to motivate action. Invite participants to identify how to put ideas into action and next steps. Be sure to save time for this important component.

Fish Don’t Talk About Water: It takes a moderate level of dissonance to learn and to gain new perspectives. Our job is to make it safe enough for people to go beyond comfort and conformity and to gently push them toward the land of the unknown. Your affect will influence this greatly — if you quickly establish trust in the group, the exercise will give them a new and valuable perspective on themselves and their work.
In action: Do activities and hold discussions that create a small degree of discomfort, encouraging participants to look at situations in new ways. Talk about the “elephant in the room” in a respectful open way.

I’m curious how you react to this philosophy:

Is there one principle that you find particularly powerful or significant? What would happen if you practiced this more?

Is there one you find more challenging?

Is there one you see as unimportant? Or is there one missing?

Warmly,

– Josh

This email was sent by Six Seconds to EQ VitalSigns subscribers – click here to subscribe

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Dear Subscriber,

I can’t believe it’s December already! My family & I just returned from 7 weeks in Asia with the Six Seconds teams there, so the months have flown by and it’s quite a shock that the year is almost over.

Here are some tantalizing tidbits about what’s happening around the Six Seconds Network:

Would you like to help us make a positive difference in the world by adding kindness and service in your community? We’re launching a new project called HEARTSHINE WEEK — an effort to spread “sunshine of the heart” on the last week of Winter. You register and commit to give of yourself that week. Then, we’d also like you to get sponsors who donate on your behalf (kind of like a charity marathon, but this is a kindness-a-thon). We’re also inviting other like-hearted nonprofits to join and raise kindness+funds. Our first partner is the Institute of HeartMath. We’ll send out an email about this next week! .. .. What do feelings mean? A few months ago I wrote “Smarter About Feelings” as an intro to EQ for kids. Talking w my kids, they encouraged me to continue the series. Here’s the next one: Decoding Emotions. In this I introduce the two competencies of the KNOW YOURSELF part of our model: Enhance Emotional Literacy and Recognize Patterns in a way that, I hope, makes sense to 10-year-olds. Part 3 is underway. Here’s the article: http://www.6seconds.org/blog/2010/12/decoding-emotions/ .. How are you showing up as a leader? A powerful new program is available for leaders — the first run will be from March 8-11, 2011, in Colorado. EXECUTIVE PRESENCE (EXP) assists leaders to tap into current neuroscience to enhance their professional presence, personal impact and influence. These are essential areas for leaders and those who work with leaders, so if that’s your work, please check this out. Here is a link to the brochure for the course: http://6seconds.org/training/media/EXP.pdf. .. What does optimism mean for students? At our recent Advanced EQ Trainer Certification, Deborah Havert gave this optimistic speech on OPTIMISM. Check out the video here: http://www.youtube.com/user/joshfreedman .. What does it look like to put EQ in action around the globe? Speaking of videos, in case you’re not on our Facebook page ( www.facebook.com/sixseconds ), you might not have seen these great video-slideshows of our recent new members from courses in the last few months. I find it incredibly inspiring to see all these faces from ALL over the world showing deep connection — hearts and minds working to create a positive difference. Singapore… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HqZEaKA5S9o Tokyo… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tYdiUYivfc Jordan… http://facebook.com/sixseconds#!/video/video.php?v=135155586540657 Mumbai... http://animoto.com/play/Zg0C7tDD4yKjUpE1QceqIQ Australia…http://video214.com/play/ftO80A4ynEiDqG8Flh6aMQ/s/dark .. What can kids invent? At Synapse — Six Seconds’ lab school in Menlo Park, CA — this weekend is the iInvent museum, celebrating the students’ exploration of Leonardo da’Vinci’s influence. The community is invited; if you’re in the area it’s a great chance to see what happens when learning fully integrates EQ. Info on the school site: http://www.synapseschool.org/ .. Are you working to sell EQ training/consulting/coaching? Would it help you to be more effective in the sales process? We’ve put together a great program for members of our network that we’re running again in January. It’s online so no travel, but it’s “live” in our virtual classroom so we can all see and hear one another, interact, and get better at this essential component of our work. I’ll be leading the class. Here is the brochure: http://6seconds.org/training/media/SellingEQ_Virtual.pdf .. Are you ready for more EQ tools and wisdom? We’ve got a fabulous lineup of programs for 2011 — we don’t have ALL on our calendar because it could be overwhelming for people, but I’ve posted the list for you. 2011 calendar list: http://6seconds.org/training/media/6S_2011_Schedule.pdf The published calendar is on www.6seconds.org/training .. Happy Holidays, and I hope to see you soon!! BTW, since you’ve read all the way to the end, you get a prize! Thank you for being part of Six Seconds’ community. Warmly, – Josh – Joshua Freedman, COO Six Seconds, The Emotional Intelligence Network T: 831 763-1800 – E: josh@6seconds.org www.6seconds.org

New! All new 3rd Edition of Self-Science: Getting Started with Social Emotional Learning. This pioneering curriculum (first published in 1978 and featured as a model in Goleman’s 1995 EQ book) is a hands-on, developmental, and substantive process for teaching vital skills. See more online… www.6seconds.org/tools/self-science.php . . Do you “Like” EQ? Facebook http://www.facebook.com/sixseconds LinkedIN http://tinyurl.com/EQNETLI . . . Coming soon… Selling EQ – online, January SEI EQ Assessment – online, 1:1, anytime EQ Education Breakfast, Jan 27, Palo Alto, CA – alex@6seconds.org EQ Showcase – networking, Feb 16 (5pm), Menlo Park, CA EQ Certification – Phoenix, AZ, Feb Executive Presence, Colorado, Mar See the calendar for details and more… www.6seconds.org/training .. .. Is this you? “Wow! Which course should I take??” — maybe this “map” will help? http://tinyurl.com/EQpath

©2010, Six Seconds, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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Smarter About Feelings: Part Two

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Part One introduced the idea of becoming smarter about feelings — and how that can help you (kids) get more of what you want… and less of what you don’t want!  In that article I promised that I’d also write more about emotions and the meaning behind our feelings.  In Part One I also talked about the Know Yourself, Choose Yourself, Give Yourself “Six Seconds EQ Model.”  This article is focused on the “Know Yourself” part:  Noticing and understanding your feelings and reactions.  Please share this with others — and also please let me know how you like the article, and tell Nicolas how you like the pictures!

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For most of my life, I found feelings completely confusing. They seemed to happen by themselves, suddenly a feeling would arrive and take over. Now that I’ve learned more about emotional intelligence, feelings are more making sense to me, but sometimes I still find them confusing.

When you were little, did you ever read the book, Sometimes I’m Bombaloo? The girl in that story gets so incredibly angry she feels like she’s turned into someone else. I guess everyone sometimes feels overwhelmed by big feelings. Sometimes by anger, but also by sorrow or fear or jealousy or guilt or a big mixed up ball of feelings all rolling together in a thunderstorm. Even excitement can become so big it seems to take over.

People sometimes call emotions like anger and fear “negative” or “bad” feelings, but I’ve come to see it a different way. Now I believe feelings are just part of us, and they’re not good or bad. They’re information and energy. What we do with that information and energy could be good or bad. It’s like electricity: It’s dangerous if you put a fork in the electrical outlet, it can even kill you. But that doesn’t mean electricity is bad, it means we need to learn about it and to use it carefully.

Putting Your Toe In

One of the most important steps to learning more about your feelings is to make friends with them. I mean, if you’re telling yourself your feelings are confusing and overwhelming and bad, then you are not going to be very patient learning about them.

When I was younger, I tried not to think about feelings because they scared me, I felt like they would overwhelm me. I remember in college I took an acting class, and my teacher, Marie, kept asking me how I was feeling. I was sad and scared because I was far away from the people I loved. One day I told her I didn’t like thinking so much about feelings because I thought I might drown in all the feelings. She said, “I’m not asking you to jump into the water, just to put your toe in it.”

That was a turning point for me. I experimented with Marie’s advice, and I was surprised to learn that I could notice my feelings and tune into them without being overwhelmed by them. I could get closer to my own feelings instead of hiding from them. I could put my toe in the water and it was interesting, not dangerous. I still didn’t understand feelings, but they were getting less scary.

 

Chess Moves

Do you ever play chess? For someone who doesn’t know the rules, it’s confusing. Why do some pieces go one step, and some jump, and some zoom around in diagonals or lines? If you didn’t know any of the rules, it would be hard to play!

I was talking to a work friend named David Caruso about feelings, he said, “Feelings are like chess pieces, there are certain moves they make.” This is a surprising idea: there is a logic to feelings. There are basic rules to learn about how they can move and change.

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For example, here are three of the rules I’ve learned:

1. Emotions get more or less intense. Every basic emotion, such as joy or sorrow, fear or trust, can start out small and get bigger. A tiny bit of joy is peace. Add more and it’s contentment. Add more to get happiness. More might be pleasure, then delight, then bliss. So imagine someone was feeling peaceful because everything was going well, and then she got even more good news… the feeling would get more intense. Of course, feelings can get less intense too. It’s like a color wheel with all these shades and varieties of feelings.

2. Emotions combine. We usually have many feelings at one time. Maybe we’re happy to be seeing friends, worried about a test, and sad about an argument… all at the same time! That makes it hard to sort out what we’re feeling. Sometimes we name different combinations with a new word. For example, if I’m sad because something didn’t go the way I wanted it to, and a little angry that happened, I could call that mixed feeling “disappointed.”

3. Emotions focus our attention. We have feelings because something is happening – something inside us or something outside. For example, we have feelings when we think about a choice we’ve made. If we don’t like what we’ve done there is something going on inside us, so we have a feeling to say “Hey! Notice this, you may have a problem!” That feeling could be called remorse (or guilt or disappointment in ourselves). We have feelings when we see something new and unusual; we could call that surprise or interest. The purpose of an emotion is to get our brains to pay attention to this news.

Continue reading “Decoding Emotions”

Yesterday in California, the sun crouched for hours over the evening fog as if enjoying the indolence of late summer. Last night, here, it dropped to winter dark before dinner. It’s been so cold this summer in California that I didn’t notice the nearly instant change ‘till now, sitting by the river for lunch, where the “winter menu” is on special — what? Welcome to the other side of the world. I keep hearing people with cool Aussie accents — that could have been a clue.

I’ve logged some ten times around world in the last five years, but every time I’m stuck anew at the strangeness of dreaming, waking up to new accents, new seasons. Though some sights don’t change much.

At the next table two little girls sit dressed up; someone seems to have let them frolic in pink sugar icing. Even their drinks are an unearthly magenta, hopefully not as teeth-achingly sweet as they look. One with glimmery fairy ribbons, the other a jeweled princess hair net, her dark-purple fingernails chipped, she reaches for more pizza and French-fried potatoes. They probably call it something different here, but the international cuisine of the 6-year-old cuts across continents.

Like the sudden switch of season, present but un-noticed, seeing these little ones reminds me how grown up mine are becoming. On the table to my left, it seems a mom and dad have come to Brisbane to visit their 20-something daughter. The conversation has that slightly-strained tone of changing landscapes unresolved. Like when you first shift gears in the car, and the teeth are not quite synching up, that bit of a lurch with hope that in a moment the ride will be smooth again.

When our babies were, it drove me a bit batty to keep hearing, “enjoy it while they’re young, it goes so fast.” In diaper days, sometimes it felt like an hour was an eon of purgatory (especially when bedtime was overdue). Now there’s a sweetness to the memory, the milky smells of babyhood, and I appreciate the longing in that advice.

As I sit here looking between these two tables, I can see this span of parenting and growing up. But in “real life” there’s no place to stand to find perspective, no way to step back and see this arc of time. Like Einstein’s train, you can’t feel the speed from within. While I find it hard to encompass the changes, I’ve reveled in the unfolding. Each time I think, “I love the kids at this age” and hope, somehow, to stop there for a piece… futile. Then a few months later I feel that way again. Some months, not so sweetly, but the balance is wonder.

And, maybe it shouldn’t all be sweet. We learn in the valleys, and celebrate on the peaks. The tragedy would be stuckness, clinging desperately to what almost was. Perhaps equally sad would be to flit by it all half seeing. Let’s seek to ride someplace in between, then: awake to the possibilities, yet peaceful enough to loll about playfully. It’s elusive because, by nature, transitory, this ever-shifting grace of the moment well lived. Maybe the best we can do it relish, even honor, the days we find the balance, and pray we don’t get mired in either extreme.

Maybe this is my favorite part of travel. The sudden dislocation is enough of a jolt, a shock to take-it-for-granted-ness that propels me back toward noticing. Yes, seeing the differences, but, perhaps more powerfully, re-encountering the samenesses:

There — a daddy with a blanket-wrapped bulge strapped to his chest, leans his head down to kiss, and smell, the baby’s head; despite the crowd, alone for a moment in the most privileged of intimacies. There, a homeless man slouches, eyes unfocused as the world spins blurring past.

There — three girlfriends, though now probably no one calls them “girls” but one another, laughing at the one who is speaking with a naughty gleam. There, a young woman intently texting, a whole story of uncertain hope on her face.

Perhaps like many of us, I often feel alone. A paradox there. And the natural price of the frequent flyer miles accruing, but feelings don’t care much if they make sense or not. So maybe that’s why my eyes keep going to the common threads.

Some part of me keeps expecting to find a foreign place, and I’ve been beyond lucky to go further than I ever dreamed. I guess that I’m surprised, again. I keep finding the same buzz of conversation, seeing the same smiles and frowns, the same furrowed brows over what isn’t going to plan, and relishing that same sudden bubble of laughter floating above the lunchtime crowd. Here I am, literally half a world away, and it’s home again.

An Introduction to emotional intelligence for kids

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When I was a kid, no one taught me about feelings.   Even when I took psychology in college I still didn’t learn why sometimes I felt angry or sad or worried or happy — and that I had a choice about my feelings.  I noticed that I had different feelings, and other people did too.  I noticed that sometimes I could get more of what I wanted by using the feelings that matched the situation, but a lot of the time it seemed like feelings were something that just happened to me.

How about you?

Have you learned much about your feelings?  How have you learned that?

Do you feel in charge of your feelings, or does it seem like they’re in charge of you?  Are there some feelings that are easier for you to understand, but others that are more confusing?

Almost accidentally, I started working in a job where I was teaching people about feelings, so I had to learn a lot!  I read, talked to work friends, and paid much closer attention to my own and others’ reactions.  I’ve enjoyed this learning about emotional intelligence and it’s helping me be happier, stronger, and accomplish more, so I want to share some of the ideas with you.

“Emotional intelligence” means being smart with feelings. Emotional intelligence allows us to make good decisions and work well with others.

Some people have not heard about emotional intelligence; it’s pretty much like other forms of intelligence.  So what is “intelligence”?  Someone who is intelligent is able to gather information and use it to solve problems. For example, if someone is smart about math, what can they do well?  They pay close attention to numbers, and are accurate.  Then they use that information to solve math problems (such as how to divide fractions).

Pretty much the same is true for emotional intelligence. People who are smart with emotions notice and can accurately describe feelings. They can use feelings to solve problems (such as how to be a good friend).

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Why does it matter?

A few years ago, a work friend of mine, Anabel Jensen, and I asked students how learning about emotions helped them.  Here are a few of the answers from kids:

I felt more included.

I felt less alone.

I learned how to listen to people.

I learned how to be a better friend and to ask my friends to be better friends.

We were working together to make everybody’s life better.

I felt more in charge of my own feelings.

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How does that sound to you?

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People who practice emotional intelligence are better friends.

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In the last few years, a lot of research has been conducted to measure how emotional intelligence skills help people.  The research, and our experience teaching about emotions, says that the skills of emotional intelligence help young people have less, and more:

Would you like less of these?

And more of these?

My sister and I were playing and having fun, but then she got really annoying and… well, here I am back in time out. I’m bored.  I KNOW there is a lot to do, but I just can’t find the energy to do anything. I wish my friends would stop leaving me out of the game at school, but I don’t know how to get them to include me. I have lots of really good ideas, but sometimes kids don’t listen to me because they say I am too bossy.  But their ideas are boring. A lot of times I KNOW the answers on the test, but I just can’t think of it right then.

I’m happy because I have lots of good friends and I can always talk to them. When kids are doing something wrong or dangerous, I am able to stop them — or at least walk away and not get involved in bad behavior. Sometimes I have bad moods, but I can get myself out of it and try again. I hardly ever have fights with my parents about homework because I’ve gotten good at doing it. My brother is sometimes annoying, but I know how to work around that so we have fun together.

Is there one on the right that you especially want to have more often?  Can you think of other ways being smarter with feelings would help you and others?

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Is there one of the stories on the left that you experience too often?  Can you think of other problems that you could solve if you were smarter with feelings?

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What are the “guys” in this picture feeling? Do you see any problems or challenges in this picture you could help them solve with EQ?

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Getting Started

The best news about emotional intelligence is that it’s something EVERYONE has and everyone can improve.  Maybe it’s not something you’ve given much attention, or maybe you’ve already learned a lot, but in any case you grow in this.  I call this “growing on the inside.”  On the outside kids grow in obvious ways (like getting taller).  What does it mean to grow on the inside?

Can you notice how you’ve already grown a lot on the inside?  For example, when you were little, you probably were more selfish and less careful than you are now.  Maybe you’ve learned to think a little more before you act, or to notice when you’re feeling tired and take care of yourself better?  Sure, maybe another kid or an adult is even better at some of those things, but you’ve grown — which shows you that you can.  Do you want to grow on the inside even more?

This is a serious question.  If you don’t actually WANT to be more emotionally intelligent, you are not likely to do it.  On the other hand, if you go back to the two lists, above, and you want less of the “left” and more of the “right,” then you do want to grow — and you can.

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Emotions Are Messages

I work for an organization called Six Seconds.  We’re called “Six Seconds” because of the way emotions work in our bodies.  Suppose you’re playing and you break something you like.  Here’s what happens in your brain:

The first ¼ second:  You begin to pay attention and notice something happened.

Second ¼ second:  Your brain begins to decide this is a problem, and produces a bunch of new chemicals.

Next ½ second:  The chemicals go flowing into your brain and start going into your blood.  These chemicals are messengers causing a whole bunch of different reactions in you (such as, tightening certain muscles, focusing your attention, making you tear up, changing the way you’re breathing).

Next 5 seconds:  The chemicals continue to flow through your blood and go everywhere in your body.  The emotion messenger chemicals cause different cells in your body to produce new chemicals — so they ripple through you expanding their effect.

After six seconds, the original chemicals are almost all gone.  They’ve delivered their messages and you are now reacting to the mistake of breaking that item.  Maybe you’re crying and sad, maybe your mad and wanting to blame, maybe you’re shocked and still, maybe you’re wanting to run away.  Your reaction depends on how you’ve learned to deal with this flood of chemicals.

But here’s something amazing:  Those original feeling chemicals are now gone.  If you continue to feel sad/mad/afraid/hurt — whatever — you are actually choosing to re-create more and more of the feeling chemicals.  You don’t HAVE to keep reacting.  You’re reacting because that’s what you’ve learned to do.  You can learn a different way of reacting.

Everyone has these chemicals, and each feeling chemical carries both a message and some chemical power.  Feelings are information and energy.  As we become more emotionally intelligent, we get better at “reading” the messages and we get to use the energy to move us forward in a useful direction.

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Three Steps for Feeling Smarter

At Six Seconds, we have a way of practicing emotional intelligence that uses three steps:

1. Notice your reactions.

We call this “Know Yourself” because we want you to tune in and pay close
attention to what’s happening inside you.

2. Take charge of your responses.

This step is called “Choose Yourself” because you have a lot of options
– which will you select?

3. Decide what’s really important.

“Give Yourself” is the final step because now you’re thinking not just
about you, but what you want to give to others and the world.

These three steps are not always easy, but we’ve found that (just like learning anything) when you start practicing, you get better and better at it.  Usually we show people three steps in a circle.  Once you’ve done any of the steps, it makes the next step easier.  Then you can keep repeating the steps over and over until you are really clear about what you want and how to move toward that.

For the next few days, notice yourself in these three steps.  Do you find certain steps easier, harder?  Do you do some of the steps only in certain situations?  Maybe you follow the steps carefully when you’re with some people, but not so carefully when you are with others?

Use this chart to check your progress.  It gives examples what you might think, feel, and do if you are not practicing the steps of EQ…. and what you might think, feel, and do if you ARE practicing each step:

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What you say if you are not doing this	Are you putting the three steps in action?	What you say if you are doing this a lot ->
Feelings just happen, I have no idea why.	Know Yourself: Notice your reactions.	I can clearly see the sequence of events that lead to my feelings.
Act first, think later… I don’t have a choice.	Choose Yourself: Take charge of your responses.	I have choices about how to respond, I don’t need to react without thought.
I don’t think about others or the world, I’m just focused on what I want.	Give Yourself: Decide what’s really important.	I am connected to others and our world, and am committed to doing my part.

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You As A Scientist

At Six Seconds, we teach teachers a process for working with students on emotional intelligence.  It’s called “Self-Science” because we want students to use the skills of a scientist to learn about themselves.  A scientist notices.  When something goes as expected, she notices that… and when something goes differently than planned, she definitely pays attention!  Not with frustration or disappointment, but with curiosity.  The scientist’s most powerful tool is the question.  Scientists are always saying:  “I wonder….”  So I encourage you to try that out — to be like a scientist observing yourself.

Noticing your reactions and choices is a powerful way of developing emotional intelligence.   In fact, by paying close attention to the way you’re following these steps, you’ll be working on step 1!  What are your emotional intelligence strengths?  Where do you get stuck or have trouble?  Practice observing yourself as a Self-Scientist — you’re on your way to increasing your emotional intelligence!

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©2010 Joshua Freedman, Six Seconds, All Rights Reserved.  Illustrations by Logoxid

People often ask me about the difference between Six Seconds and other emotional intelligence consulting/training approaches. Usually I talk about our depth and breadth of experience – we’ve done this for 14 years full time, offices in 8 countries, work in every sector… and usually I mention that as a not-for-profit, we are driven to do this work, it’s our passion and purpose.

While that’s all true, I’ve been thinking about WHY. Why are you interested in EQ? Is it for knowledge, or for change? And if it’s for change, how do you turn emotional awareness and effectiveness into action? For many Six Seconds practitioners, the answer starts with transformational learning.

In some ways, all of us who are concerned with increasing EQ — as managers, parents, friends, teachers, coaches — are engaged in learning and teaching. So how do we each see that working?

The other founders of Six Seconds and I all come from the world of education, and in particular from a specific philosophy of constructivist learning where discovery and meaning are more important than “right answers.” Coupled with emergent neuroscience on the way the human brain learns, this drives a unique, powerful approach to instruction that requires head+heart+hands working together. For example, Anabel Jensen, our President, teaches her graduate courses in the university with no lectures.

I got thinking about this post because I’m on the plane for Australia, and was mentally reviewing course materials for the EQ Certification… including: Clothes line & pins, playing cards, wikki stix, museum kits, bagels, almonds, candies, sand, rubber ducks, rope, post-its… I usually travel with two large suitcases of this kind of esoteric-everyday equipment.

As you might guess, passing through customs as a Six Seconds trainer is… amusing. As are the classes! But using all this “fun stuff” is also extremely serious:

If we genuinely seek to create change by building new awareness – by teaching – then we have to get out of the ineffective 19th Century mindset of instruction-as-information-dump. In that model, the teacher is the expert who wields knowledge as power and seeks submission. “Bow down and I will fill your head with my knowledge.” But in a world where people need to actually think and solve problems (versus regurgitating stale “knowledge”), that model needs to go away. It’s a pervasive trap and is the #1 enemy of transformational learning.

I’d also suggest that as teachers, this requires us to practice emotional intelligence. It’s seductive to be the one with the answers, to be the sage on the stage. In some places, people have called me a “guru” and I wince at the implication, but at the same time I’m delighted by the honor and praise. I grew up in that “knowledge is power” system too, and so a piece of me will always seek the validation of being the one who knows. So I have to notice this seduction, stay out of that pattern, and continually re-choose to be who I mean to be as a teacher — a partner in a shared process of meaningful discovery.

At the heart of Six Seconds’ learning design is a recognition that learning is a human process — yes, there are mechanics (see above!) but it doesn’t work if it’s mechanistic. To keep this “front and center,” we’ve developed a learning philosophy that drives our teaching, as well as a specific learning design to structure the learning experience. Applying this, by the way, is the central content of our new Advanced Trainer Certification (see www.6seconds.org/training).

Here are the five principles of Six Seconds’ Learning Philosophy:

Reflection in action

Wisdom Lives Within: Our job is to create an environment/experience where people can find their own answers. Self-reflection is key!

In action: Ask, don’t tell. Provide time and space for reflection. Share your own reflection. Validate answers — focus on the deeper concepts vs. “right answers.” Don’t read slides — ask good questions about slides.

No Way is The Way: People learn in a variety of ways, and we need to teach to many learning styles. We also need to adapt and flex to effectively work with the complexities of real people.

In action: Engage many different learning styles so different people can learn in their own best ways. In each conclusion, participants are encouraged to do their own synthesis and craft their own authentic next steps.

The Process is the Content: Learning comes from experiencing and reflecting — doing, thinking, and feeling. Our job is to model and to use our own emotional intelligence so others can develop theirs.

In action: Use an experiential approach with many opportunities for discovery — as well as powerful conceptual theories. Facilitators will be most successful if they model their own emotional intelligence in setting up and debriefing the process.

1,2,3 PASTA!: If people don’t take action with what they’ve learned, we have not changed their lives and improved the world. So we need to help them put new ideas into action.

In action: Foster the feelings of anticipation, excitement, joy to motivate action. Invite participants to identify how to put ideas into action and next steps. Be sure to save time for this important component.

Fish Don’t Talk About Water: It takes a moderate level of dissonance to learn and to gain new perspectives. Our job is to make it safe enough for people to go beyond comfort and conformity and to gently push them toward the land of the unknown. Your affect will influence this greatly — if you quickly establish trust in the group, the exercise will give them a new and valuable perspective on themselves and their work.

In action: Do activities and hold discussions that create a small degree of discomfort, encouraging participants to look at situations in new ways. Talk about the “elephant in the room” in a respectful open way.

I’m curious how you react to this philosophy:

Is there one principle that you find particularly powerful or significant? What would happen if you practiced this more?

Is there one you find more challenging?

Is there one you see as unimportant? Or is there one missing?

For our Six Seconds conference this year, we’re focusing on “The Process is the Content” and “Wisdom Lives Within,” so every session is structured around powerful experiences and meaningful questions. So if you want to see these in action, join us! The October 2010 conference is free (donations requested), and we have a few tickets left. Details are on www.6seconds.org/conference

Warmly,

– Josh