What do you truly want?  And what would you give to find that?

Emotional intelligence is a resource we all have, but it’s hard to use this capability without a process, a roadmap.  In the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence, there are three “pursuits” forming a process framework that enables people to be more effective by tapping the power and wisdom of feelings.  The first two pursuits are reasonably straightforward, albeit enormously challenging to accomplish consistently.  The third is a paradox that many find contradictory… yet it’s what makes the model transformational.  The first two are:

Know Yourself means tuning into our own feelings and behaviors, and seeing the links between our feelings, thoughts, and actions.  This requires a mindfulness and compassionately honest self reflection that’s extremely rare in a fast-paced world.

Choose Yourself means pausing to evaluate the data gathered from “Know Yourself,” and shifting from “reaction” to “response.”  To show up intentionally requires a delicate balance of self-discipline and self-acceptance — being our real selves honestly, and also being better each day.

To some, the third pursuit  sounds like weakness, but it’s actually the more powerful.  It’s a kind of super-charger on the engine of the model — it moves Six Seconds EQ from “nice to have” to “need to have.”  We call the third pursuit “Give Yourself,” and it’s about serving your purpose.  In the first two pursuits, we build awareness and then create intentional responses.  But what are we using that awareness and intention for?

In Give Yourself we ensure our steps are actually going someplace worthwhile.  It’s about connecting with others and the larger world, finding unique purpose and serving it.

Sometimes people react to the term “Give Yourself” because it might sound “too nice,” but actually it’s an intensely practical process.  The reality is that without this, we rarely get what we want; we wear armor that is an illusion of protection that only serves to isolate us.  Give Yourself is the way we get what we actually want instead of simply exercising the hedonic treadmill, endlessly pouring our lives into a bottomless pit of self-gratification or chasing external validation.

The central paradox is that when we are “taking” and “protecting” or even “striving” and “winning,” we usually get the opposite of what we truly want; but when we give, we get.  This principle defies the carefully constructed economists logic used to drive markets and industries and nations vying for dominance — yet it’s no less true.  When we’re focused on taking, we never have enough, we are never enough, and we are profoundly alone.  When we are giving there is abundance, we are more than enough (which is why we can give), and we are deeply connected.

Seth Godin recently wrote about this paradox and how the web actually amplifies the results of “Giving Yourself” (and of taking) — he calls Philanthropists the ones who give more, and Bandits the ones who take more:

The fascinating thing for me is how much more successful and happy the philanthropists are. It turns out that when you make the world smaller, you get to keep more of what you’ve got, but you end up earning a lot less (respect, connections, revenue) at the same time.

Does this match your experience?  Are those who focus on taking for themselves, in the end, less connected, less whole, less happy?  Does the attitude and action of genuine giving somehow unlock a sense of belonging and feeling of place in a larger world?

If that’s not enough, it turns our this commitment will also get you ahead in your career. New research we’re analyzing now, looking at over 27,000 individuals globally in terms of emotional intelligence scores:  Generally, more senior leaders have higher EQ (this is not a surprise since EQ is predictive of career success — hired for IQ, promoted for EQ).  The surprise, perhaps, is that the single EQ competency with the greatest gap is in Give Yourself, specifically the capability to Pursue Noble Goals.  In fact, those in the top band of the competency are almost twice as likely to be in the most senior organizational roles.

There is an element of giving that’s about generosity, an element about self-fulfillment… there is also a significant component of empathy.  When we emotionally connect with others, we recognize a fundamental shared humanity — we know we’re all in the same lifeboat.  It’s this connection that links giving to both happiness and performance.

In a fascinating TED talk (video is below), Michael Norton discusses a number of studies on the finance of happiness.  You CAN buy happiness, he asserts — it’s just not the type of transaction most of us imagine when we here that phrase.  The paradox of giving.

While many people will accept this “give to get” notion in their private lives (or at least in a church/temple/mosque), it seems to be a huge leap for modern entrepreneurs to see the value.  Yet some companies attract and retain great talent because their work matters.  Others have created a culture of mutual win that supports excellence — in Norton’s research, when an individual is given a €15 incentive for himself, the company generates €4.5 in value (a lost of over €10)… but when he’s given €15 to give to the benefit of others, the company returns a massive €78 in value (a 520% ROI).  Imagine creating a climate of giving in your company — a culture where people genuinely, spontaneously, and regularly exercise generosity!

Finally, in another forthcoming White Paper, we did a study of private bankers.  One might expect those who are financially driven and focused on their own success to make the most.  But again, the EQ competency of Pursue Noble Goals proves to be a strong predictor of the total wealth each banker has under her/his management.  Those in the group with the largest investment funds have over 30% higher scores on “Pursue Noble Goals” than their lower-performing colleagues.  The higher performers also showed nearly 25% higher scores on the self-awareness skill we call “Recognize Patterns.”

Those who give of themselves, those who serve a compelling purpose, are happier and are more often in senior positions.  They motivate others and build economic as well as social value.   So how do we integrate that into our lives?  Do we need to accumulate wealth so we can give it?  While people and companies frequently say they need to “do well in order to do good,” it turns out that actual abundance is probably not the source of giving.

While we might expect those who are well off to be more empathic and generous, some research suggests the opposite.  It is true that very wealthy give extensively (and the largest philanthropic donations do come from some fabulously wealthy patrons) there are many studies indicating that in proportion to their means, those with less actually give more.

What, then, is required?  Having more doesn’t seem to be the answer — instead we need to teach people to connect to their own and others’ emotions.  What awareness and skills can we build that allow people to transcend ego and connect with their larger vision?  And, especially to do so when they’re in times of stress and challenge?  Perhaps one reason the Six Seconds Model is so powerful is that it provides a process to shift toward this way of engaging — to align what we’re doing and how we’re responding to our own most significant goals.

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What is the label you’d put on the blue dot in the middle of this graphic?

I saw something along these lines on Facebook and thought I’d make my own version — together with Max Ghini & Lorenzo Fariselli from Six Seconds Europe, we used this as a tool for strategic planning (by making lists for each circle then deciding what work fits the “blue dot zone”).  Our India friends might label this “Karmabhumi” (the workspace that fulfills karma) — what else could we call it?  Am I the only one thinking it’s odd we don’t have a word for this kind of work that’s prosperous, purposeful, powerful, and meaningful (couldn’t think of a 4th “p” word for “meeting a need” – I’m losing my touch!)

Isn’t homework is essential for getting kids to internalize skills and become solid in their new learning?  Keeps them busy and out of trouble… and no harm in that, right?

Research says it’s not so clear that it helps… and the social-emotional effects may be grave.  Here’s an excerpt from a new article in the  Washington Post: Why we’re getting the homework question wrong

Two recent studies have fueled a growing debate over how much homework is too much, and whether it has any benefit at all. They reached different conclusions. One study, published by the Australian Institute of Family Studies, presented findings that are consistent with about a century of scientific analysis on homework; that is, it concluded that homework offers no benefits for elementary and middle school children. In contrast, the second study found the opposite to be true. In that investigation, spending more than two hours a night doing homework led British students to achieve better results in English, math and science.

The article (by Vicki Abeles, a mother, activist, and director of the documentary “Race to Nowhere”) goes on to talk about the point that there ARE downsides, especially socially and emotionally.  My own experience is that homework is a major stressor on families as well as children… yet when I was a teacher, I gave homework, and sometimes a lot (though it was almost always either meaningful reading or project work).

Abeles’ conclusion is critical:  We need to consider what we really want for our children / students — and then create policies that support these goals.  So often our practices (in education and families, as well as in businesses & government) actually undermine our real goals… and if we’re not very clear on what we want, it seems very unlikely that we can make it happen.  As the article concludes, we’ve got to ask the right questions about homework (and everything else):

Do we want our children to grow up to be whole, thriving adults who have held onto their innate joy of learning and discovery? Or do we want to teach them it’s only work we value—and not health, family, balance, creativity and fun? We don’t need an academic study to reach the right conclusion on that.

So your homework  assignment:  Discuss with your team, your family, your community:  What are the most important goals for children, and what needs to change to ensure those goals are supported?  What are we doing now that’s undermining the goals?  What can we do instead?

I was speaking on a panel a few years ago about development.  The other panelists were focused on meeting needs such as food and shelter, what we often call “basic needs.”  Is emotional intelligence also a basic need?  To answer, consider:  What happens if people don’t have the skills to make good decisions, to connect with others, to motivate themselves, to solve interpersonal challenges?

Often we consider needs as hierarchal, but maybe needs are actually cyclical, interlocked, or overlapping.  Some needs are easy to understand, if you go without any fluids for a day, you know the need for water.  But what happens when you go without love, or peace, or self-awareness?  It’s less clear, somehow, but perhaps as compelling?

This is an outrageously cool example of great learning — head, heart, and hands all together.  Real questions, real challenge, and real meaning — not “dumbed down.”  Imagine if all our teachers had this depth of insight and “spark of genius” to engage students this deeply… it’s SO POSSIBLE to give children this gift and meet our responsibility to the future.  Three great quotes:

“Mr. Hunter, he’s a brain stretcher.”

“One of the things I learned is that other people matter – one person can’t win, everyone has to win.”

“I hereby declare this world peace game WON” — isn’t it time?

A film by Chris Farina. More at Rosalia Films.

Over the years, many people have asked for more ways to learn about our approach without having to travel — while our in-person training is transformational, it’s not accessible to everyone.  Companies have asked us to share Six Seconds’ content through their elearning, but we’ve not done much in this space because most elearning is so one-dimensional, linear… in a word, boring.  But there SHOULD be a way to share insights online and connect people globally with EQ… we do it with articles, could we make an even more intimate and “real” way of sharing?

I think we’ve found a way, and I hope you’ll test it out and let us know how to make it even better – you can get see some of the videos on the site, and get a free trial for more!

“FreedmanTV” is an interactive online channel about using emotional intelligence to get better results in business and life. It’s made of many short videos answering questions.  I suspect it will work because it has 3 key ingredients…

Bite sized:  The clips are 2-4 minutes, each on a specific question.

You drive:  The system automatically suggests new videos based on what you type and what you ask — so you “create your own adventure,” making a dynamic learning experience.

We connect:  The producers have made near-broadcast quality video — so while we might not be able to be in the room together, at least there is an immediacy and subtlety to the medium.   Plus, you can type questions and interact right there in the online community and I can respond in text or in a new video.

I’m uncomfortable being “self promotional” and so I’ll stop there — but I do hope you’ll check it out and let us know!

Here is a video answering the question, “What is Leadership?”  My answer is based on our Vital Signs Model:

Intriguing article in the Wall Street Journal: Educating the Next Steve Jobs — points out that a narrowly defined pathway to “success” where failure is anathema is the recipe for conformity, not innovation.

In most high-school and college classes, failure is penalized. But without trial and error, there is no innovation. Amanda Alonzo, a 32-year-old teacher at Lynbrook High School in San Jose, Calif., who has mentored two Intel Science Prize finalists and 10 semifinalists in the last two years—more than any other public school science teacher in the U.S.—told me, “One of the most important things I have to teach my students is that when you fail, you are learning.” Students gain lasting self-confidence not by being protected from failure but by learning that they can survive it.

In a related recent post, Massimiliano Ghini (our Director of Global Strategy), wrote about the challenge of a climate for innovation in business:  ”We all know that the key to increase our competitiveness is innovation, but in the current reality of increased pressure and failure, change fails and innovation falls behind.  How can we unblock the creative thinking in this scenario?”  Max is identifying a very similar challenge as the conformist school dichotomy:

When we create a “pressure cooker” climate, we don’t get innovation… yet at the same time we have an urgent pressure to generate results.

How do we balance these two?  We get so caught in “rules” and “SOPs” and a kind of contratual approach that the sense of wonder and spontaneity shrivels.  One way to sustain innovation to shift our understanding of “work” and stop treating it as a negative, unpleasant experience.  What if a kids at school, or teammembers at work, can’t actually tell the difference between “work” and “play”?

One of my favorite aspects of Six Seconds’ Synapse School is the sense of wonder and creativity you experience just walking in the door.  Recently I heard a child visitor tell her parents how she wished she could go school in a place that was so full of energy.  While there are classes, and while there’s “work” happening, the whole place is bursting with the energy of play.  While there is a robust structure and a clear focus, there is also a kind of “joyful anarchy” that is palpable.

At Synapse, there’s a room near the entrance which is full of “Kapla” blocks: simple, flexible, flat, wooden rectangles pictured above.  There’s a kind of constant evolution in the room, and I’m amazed every time I see what the kids are creating.  This is the spirit I’d love to see in every place of work and learning.  A place of contribution and shared creation bound by care, not by compliance.  I asked one boy, around 9 years old, “What happens when you run out of blocks, do you have rules about which buildings you take apart?”  He looked surprised, and answered:  ”No, we just respect on another’s work.”

As social creatures — pack animals — we’re highly attuned to power and the dynamics of power in groups. Emotions of trust/distrust, acceptance/rejection, belonging/isolation are all connected to power. Power-related feelings signal us about basic survival needs — who is a threat, who is an ally, who we can count on, and who is in the way.  The use of power is central to our interactions as leaders, coaches, parents, and change agents.  To be more effective, emotional intelligence will help us understand and tune up our own use of power and the ways people react to that.

In “Western” societies we tend to think of power and force as synonyms, but actually we all have and exercise many forms of power. We can have huge strength even if we don’t have the power of force or money.

… Vaclav Havel wrote about “the power of the powerless,” which has overturned many governments since then. Recently visible in Tahrir Square, there is a deep well of power in the acknowledgement and acceptance of powerlessness — of being willing to let go of conventional “status” to belong to a group. A power of sacrifice.

… A client recently told me about a price negotiation, and the way his “opposite number” in the deal keeps using the tactic of delay and feigned confusion. A power of sluggishness.

… I heard a radio story today about accusations of torture by the Nigerian government to suppress environmental activists. A power of brutality.

… Our daughter doesn’t like it when Patty pushes her to get her work done, she gets sulky and stomps her feet… it’s exercising a particular form of power historically popular with adolescents: a power of petulance.

There are dozens, maybe hundreds, of different forms of power. All of these “work” in some sense. If they generate certain desired there are “benefits.” At the same time, each produces unwanted side effects, called “costs.” What are some of the forms of power that you have, and that you exercise? What happens when you exercise these different forms of power? What price do you pay for each such use?

The emotional intelligence competency we call “Apply Consequential Thinking” (ACT) is at work as you answer these questions. As you consider the mix of powers available to you, doing the ACT evaluation lets you assess and choose the right tool for the situation. Are you using power efficiently, or do you need a more “green energy strategy” in your use of personal power?

One reason is “Josh’s basic rule of emotional intelligence” – which you’ve probably seen on other articles on 6seconds.org:

When people feel pushed, they resist.

This “push feeling” is not necessarily reasonable or based on fact. It may be completely “their own thing,” and not based on reality. But if the feeling is present, the feeling is more real than the reality. The “resist” can take a number of forms, it’s not necessarily a clear fighting back, for example, “resist” could mean undermining, withdrawing, rallying others, defending, attacking-to-defend, foot-dragging… whatever form it takes, it means the person is not on board and giving you their full energy and commitment.

I’d like to explore three examples:

• I was advising a board president about a decision. She had sufficient votes to completely nullify an issue raised by a group of Directors. She was feeling anxious about the dissent and was tempted to use the vote. I asked her what would happen to the relationships as a result? How would that action affect the sense of trust and belonging she’d worked hard to establish? It could be that the exercise of force would re-affirm the feeling of safety and reliance on the leadership… or, it could be that this force would knock out any emerging sense of rowing together. If the top priority is alignment, then it’s critical to use a form of power that will reinforce that.
• A colleague and I were talking about a decision with one of his team members. I encouraged him to involve others in the dialogue; his first reaction was some irritation that this would undermine his power. I encouraged him to see that he actually has all the positional power — involving others is an opportunity to build relational power. I asked, “If you exercise the positional power without involving others, how will they feel?” If the goal is buy-in, then positional power could easily upset that.
• Several years ago, Patty and I were making a decision to take the kids out of their current school. Again, we had all the positional power — but instead of exercising it, we used the opportunity to involve the kids in a discussion. As a result, we all increased clarity about what was important, and in the end, we had consensus on the decision. For the last several years, each January we’ve a family meeting about the following year, and so far, we’ve maintained consensus. As a result, when the going gets rough, it’s relatively easy for us to re-engage the kids, reminding them that homeschool was as a shared decision. Here the goal is shared commitment — so again a mutual power is invaluable.

It can be difficult to see some of the costs and benefits of various exercises of power — to be really effective in this analysis you also need to be attuned to your own and others’ feelings. It’s also powerful to consider the way you are supporting others’ use of power. Does your use of power reduce others’ by overwhelming or undermining? Or is your power support a healthy sharing which can reinforce and magnify one another’s success?

At work, especially with leaders who have many forms of power from position and role, it’s all too easy to become overly reliant on “raw” power, such as the implied threat, “If you don’t do what I want, it will hurt your career.” Dr. Robert Cooper, one of our wonderful Advisory Board members, sometimes asks leaders: If you didn’t have your job title and big office, would any one still follow you? In other words, if you did not have the power conferred by position, status and financial control, would you still have power?

For myself, when I use positional power or force, it’s usually because I’m impatient or afraid. “Raw” power seems more efficient, and when I’m stressed and overloaded, exerting force gives me a perception, probably an illusion, that I am in control and can make things happen. It’s also a way of claiming status. When I’m feeling anxious and unsure if I really do have power, I’m much more likely to attempt to exert force. In other words, when I am reacting to short term pressures and a feeling of urgency, I’m most likely to pull out the hammer.

I notice this quite literally when I’m trying to fix something around the house. I start very carefully, gently trying to align the parts or remove the little screws. Then I pinch my finger, or I’m running out of time, or I’m doubting myself, and I just whack the thing. Sometimes that works. Sometimes there the costs are high.

The point here is not to advocate for a certain form of power as better or more powerful. Certainly emotional intelligence will help strengthen relational power and increase influence. And sometimes EQ will help us see it’s time for force: there are moments where a strong “no” or an incontrovertible “yes” create more gain than does a nuanced discussion. But most importantly, when we use our emotional intelligence, we can see that every exercise of power has affects beyond what’s immediately visible. As you’re wielding the sword or the pen, take a pause to Apply Consequential Thinking — consider the results you really want, and use the power that will most smoothly and efficiently move the situation forward.

Since 2007 we’ve asked leaders and team members to identify the top issues facing their organizations — and particularly the “people side” of the equation. The survey explores top issues as well as employee attitudes and the role of emotional intelligence in solving those key issues.

We start by asking an open question, “In simple terms, what are the top 2-3 issues in your organization?” — the report is peppered with intriguing answers.  The one to the right is fairly thematic both in the manager’s comment, and the graphic representing a sense of irreconcilable internal conflicts.

The full report is available for free using the download form below.

These finding represent 775 responses from leaders and employees worldwide. They come from all levels (mostly management, 26% senior execs) and all sectors (mostly business & industry) and all global regions (mostly North America).

Three Key Findings:

one : Talent.

Find it.  Keep it.  Feed it.  Lead it.

The top issues globally, across sectors, tie to retaining good people and the leadership capability to align individual and organizational priorities.  Respondents recognize that people are burned out after years of “more with less” — while few organizations are taking serious and systematic efforts to create a place where good people actually want to work.

A visual summary is presented here — more frequently occurring words appear in a larger size:

 

two : Leadership Needed.

Vision is absent. People are not aligned.  Where are we going – and why?

As in our previous surveys, leadership remains a top concern.  On a selection of “people issues,” 58% of respondents identified leadership as the top concern.  What do they want from leaders?  The top “wish” is free, and an absolute basic:  Communicate the vision.

But, in times of stress, most leaders have their heads down to focus on the small stuff.  Few leaders are standing up and standing out.  The results are dangerous.

three : Got EQ?

Organizations making EQ a priority score 32%-39% higher on the questions above.

Only 11% of the organizations in our sample earned a 5/5 on leveraging emotional intelligence.  Those with a 4 or 5 out of five are getting better marks from employees.  In this camp, respondents say EQ is important because it’s part of the culture and competitive advantage.  For example, this President from the sector of Business & Industry, in Mexico, wrote:  “EI is fundamental for improving communication, relationships, collaboration, teamwork and increasing self-esteem and enjoying work.”  The top reasons for creating an EQ culture are:

• Customer and internal relationships (34%)
• Effective work climate (30%)
• Alignment of people, and people with strategy (27%)

On the other hand, those that don’t see EQ being valued, report three primary causes:

• Leadership isn’t aware (38%)
• There is a gap between company culture and principles of EQ (e.g., “our bosses ‘have no feelings’”) (27%)
• There isn’t funding available / the financial value isn’t clear enough (23%)

 

 

To learn more about these findings, fill in the form below and the report will be immediately send to you via email.

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One of the most exciting aspects of working with Six Seconds these last 15 years is the opportunity to encounter people from SO many places.  Perhaps the most diverse group was leaders from the United Nations Mission in Liberia – UNMIL – 16 people from 14 countries, a paint-box of colors, creeds, and histories.  Also people from legal, aircraft, supply, training, corrections, communications… and some fairly young managers as well as some of the most senior… so many barriers, so many differences.

Yet:  After a couple of days together, we were just people learning together.

Over and over and over I’ve experienced that in the realm of emotion, there is a vast and uncomplicated common ground.  As I’ve written before, I feel a profound relief to find this connection.

Looking at my calendar for the next few months, I’m a little alarmed at all the global connections!  But I hope to meet you someplace in the world to re-anchor.  Here’s my schedule — all these are listed on our EQ Certification Calendar along with even more programs by our amazing master trainers!

March 1-2 – Phoenix, AZ – joining the EQ Educator Certification, a very practical program for those teaching the skills of EQ to deepen their understanding of the process and methodology to be even more effective.

At the end of March, I’m off to Singapore for work with a business school there, then onto India.

April 9-13 is the transformational EQ Certification.  Last time in Mumbai it about blew my socks off – this deeply powerful experience of engaging in the Six Seconds’ method and model – designed for professionals in development, this is equally fabulous for leaders and individuals looking for tools for transformation.  Something about India… people who have an ancient, deep spirit now on the burgeoning frontier of commerce.

April 16-19 the Mumbai adventure continues with our program for coaches to learn the SEI assessment toolkit and Six Seconds’ coaching framework.  The SEI Coach is intended for people who have skills and qualifications in coaching to supercharge their work.

After a brief stop back home, in May it’s time for Europe.  We’re holding the EQ Certification in Dublin with the Irish Management Association on May 7-11.  Max Ghini, our Regional Director for Europe – and Director of Global Strategy – will be delivering this with me so it will be a fabulous session for those looking to gain the strategic value of EQ.

May 12 we’re planning a Europe EQ Network conference — more on that soon!

Then in June, I’m back to Asia — for the SEI Coach Certification in Tokyo on June 13-16 — plus several in-house projects.

On June 19-20 we have a launch of Six Seconds Indonesia with the Jakarta EQ Conference.

Then the EQ Certification in Kuala Lumpur on June 26-30.  I’ll be there with our new Malaysia Country Director, FC Law, who is launching this along with our Regional Director for Asia, Granville D’Souza — so it will be a total powerhouse week!

July we’re in California — the EQ Certification is July 9-13 in Menlo Park.  Our 14th year of this course, in July, in this place — always an incredible experience as people come from around the world for the opty to engage with many of our senior team members.

Finally, July 16-19 is the SEI Coach Certification in Menlo Park — again for coaches to take it higher.

I’ll be ready for a little relaxation time after that!  People often ask me how I find the energy for all these programs — but the truth is I gain energy from this work.  Imagine the opportunity to be with people who are truly committed to adding EQ in the world — and their delight in finding methods and models and a “way of being” that makes it really possible.  It’s a remarkable journey we’re on together — both the journey around the globe, but perhaps even more dramatic is the journey of connecting.