Are you responsible for influencing others — as a leader, teacher, coach, parent, friend, etc?  What allows you to do so, what gets in your way?

There are many forms of power; position provides a certain authority.  Expertise provides another (note the link between “author” and “authority”).  One of the most important forms of power comes from relationships — and it’s driven by emotion.  Here’s a brief video:

How are you using power now? Are you taking it? Giving it away? How can you be more effective by applying emotional intelligence? Share your comments below!

The post How Does Emotional Intelligence Increase Power? appeared first on Six Seconds.

What’s your focus?  How do you decide?  Do feelings play a role?

Daniel Goleman’s new book explores the research and practice of attention — which turns out to be a powerful tool to create positive change.  Here’s why he wrote the book – and why it matters to those of us committed to emotional intelligence.

I asked Dan about the origins of the book:  “I’ve always been interested in attention; my earliest research at Harvard was on the retraining of attention to help people recover from stress. But it was only while writing FOCUS that I updated my understanding with the most recent scientific findings that I saw my model of emotional intelligence could be recast in terms of where we put our attention and how.”

We’ve all experienced the link between attention and emotion.  If I’m frustrated with a colleague, it’s easy to focus on the ways he’s not meeting my expectations, and my frustration increases.  Yet when I focus on the great work we’ve done together, my frustration diminishes.  Goleman says this is at the heart of the book:

“In many approaches to EQ, including in Six Seconds’ approach, there is an ingredient of noticing how we notice, of developing new forms of focus. My book FOCUS provides a new framework for understanding why this is so critically important. This book will be valuable for people interested in emotional intelligence because it goes deeply into this essential skillset; a capability that will enhance emotional intelligence, and performance in many professional and personal domains.”

Dan and I will be holding a series of conversations about focus, emotions, leading, and living — and we’ll share these as an series of blog posts.  We want you to be part of the conversation!  What’s a question you’d like us to discuss?  Please post in the comments below.

Here’s FOCUS on Amazon.com – and the description of the book from the publisher:

The author of the international bestseller Emotional Intelligence returns with a groundbreaking look at today’s scarcest resource and the secret to high performance and fulfillment: attention.

For more than two decades, psychologist and journalist Daniel Goleman has been scouting the leading edge of the human sciences for what’s new, surprising, and important. In Focus, he delves into the science of attention in all its varieties, presenting a long-overdue discussion of this little-noticed and underrated mental asset that matters enormously for how we navigate life. Attention works much like a muscle: use it poorly and it can wither; work it well and it grows. In an era of unstoppable distractions, Goleman persuasively argues that now more than ever we must learn to sharpen focus if we are to contend with, let alone thrive in, a complex world.

Goleman analyzes attention research as a threesome: inner, other, and outer focus. A well-lived life demands that we be nimble at each. Goleman shows why high-performers need all three kinds of focus, as demonstrated by rich case studies from fields as diverse as competitive sports, education, the arts, and business. Those who excel rely on what Goleman calls smart practice—such as mindfulness meditation, focused preparation and recovery from setbacks, continued attention to the learning curve, and positive emotions and connections—that help them improve habits, add new skills, and sustain excellence. Combining cutting-edge research with practical findings, Focus reveals what distinguishes experts from amateurs and stars from average performers. Ultimately,Focus calls upon readers not only to pay attention to what matters most to them personally, but also to turn their attention to the pressing problems of the wider world, to the powerless and the poor, and to the future, not just to the seductively simple demands of the here and now.

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As you probably know, for over 15 years the Six Seconds team has advocated for emotional intelligence as an essential ingredient for change.

The logical side is important — but unless we’re smarter with feelings, we join the 90% of change efforts that fail.

What I’ve noticed, though, is that despite a great deal of evidence, only a small percentage of leaders “buy” that.  They express modest interest in emotional intelligence, they find it interesting, but they don’t see the value.

In contrast, in the last few years we’ve been talking about the VITAL SIGNS MODEL.  This is a simple, clear way to talk about the people-side of performance.

What’s fascinating to me:  The vast majority of leaders who see the Vital Signs Model immediately see it as valuable — not just interesting.  We can then “walk down the road to EQ” easily — rather than trying to convince them, they see the need.

A typical process:  We’ll use one of the Vital Signs tools, and leaders become more committed to the people-side of performance.  Then, we say, “A powerful way to work on this problem is by developing emotional intelligence” and there is no pushback.  

In other words, the, “that’s interesting but not a priority” reply is gone.  Why?

The post Bringing Leaders to the Point of EQ appeared first on Six Seconds.

Emotional intelligence helps us make better choices; we can evaluate and respond rather than reacting unconsciously.  In the Six Seconds Model, we teach a three step process: (1) increase awareness, (2) evaluate, and (3) move forward purposefully.  The concept is simple, but how to do it?  Here is a collection of practical tips from our network members around the world.  Earlier we posted tips are how to increase self-awareness (for the Awareness part of the model). 

Now we come to the 2nd set of tips, for the 2nd part of Six Seconds Model — we call this stage “Choose Yourself.”  The point is to move out of reaction – to manage yourself – and move into a position where you can act with your best response.  There are four competencies that let you do so:

Apply Consequential Thinking:  Pause and evaluate both the pragmatic and emotional components of the situation

Navigate Emotions:  Engage emotions intentionally to help move the situation forward

Engage Intrinsic Motivation:  Strengthen the inner drive to move ahead in a useful way

Exercise Optimism:  Identify new opportunities and possibilities to invent additional solutions

 (click on any of the competency names for more articles on this specific topic)

 

15 Tips for Emotional Intelligence: Choice

Remember:  Learn from the past, live in the moment, and plan for the future.

Ed Woodd

 

Take the six second pause to gather your thoughts before you speak.

Teresa Veenstra, Sr. Consultant & Executive Coach

 

Practicing EQ is a conscious choice that is available to us in every moment. Opportunities to practice can show up in not only our reactions to things but in our decisions, our questions, our words, what we focus our attention on, how we spend our time, who we decide to include or exclude, etc. 

Increasing your awareness of where and when you can practice EQ can help you decide how. So:  Pay attention to all of the opportunities we have each day to practice and choose one that feels right, and write down what happened. And as that gets easier, increase the number to two, and so on.

Julie Binter

 

PAC before you act:  Pause.  Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. Clear your mind.

Nehad Tadros

 

When you are emotionally charged, take a deep breath before responding.   The science of breathing is very deep in Yoga, and at least one deep breath creates a Six Second Pause.

Mala Kapadia

 

Tap into compassion everywhere. Engage in positive caring dialogue with the taxi driver, the dry cleaning man, the grocery bag packer etc. say good morning to passing people on the sidewalk. Ask meaningful questions. Really listen to the answers.

Carolyn Meacher

 

Sometimes we encounter a situation which is really challenging. I catch my thoughts in that situation with the three questions of optimism:

• Am I thinking that this permanent? (‘It will never get better’)
• Am I feeling this is pervasive? (‘It is changing everything’)
• Am I giving up my power, or taking too much power? (‘There is NOTHING I can do’ or ‘It is ALL my fault’)

Then I step back and become a ‘detective” and try to gather evidence for those views. Next I dispute those thoughts if they are inaccurate and choose realistic, accurate, positive thoughts. This helps me to cope better, with some hopefulness !!

Sandeep Kelkar

 

I learnt this tip recently about using the body to increase awareness of our emotions.  Ask yourself: “Do I feel expanded and open or contracted and small?”  When you feel “compressed,” breathing deeply “into the belly” can release muscles – really breathe, and let your shoulder open and relax. As you fill up with air, the physiological expansion influences the mind and emotions as well, reducing stress and increasing openness.  This helps us make more powerful, positive choices.

Rita Haque

 

Find something impossible to do… and practice.  (Here’s an explanation of going from “Impossible” to “Not Yet Possible”)

Joshua Freedman

  

When you hit a setback, separate what parts of the situation you can control or influence and what parts you cannot.  For the things you can’t control, do the LIGMO!  (Let it go, move on.)  Focus on what you can influence and notice how much more confident you’ll feel about overcoming the setback.

Dawn Cook

 

I have ten feelings, each ‘attached’ to each of my fingers: calm, provocative, energetic, optimistic, thankful, decisive, proactive, sympathetic, accepting, joyous, reflective. These are just my own 10 that I have ‘rooted’ on to each fingertip. I’ve done so by remembering a time when I had the feeling, explored it using all senses, and then imagined that state captured in my finger. Each time I want to shift a state from current unhelpful to more helpful – I can look at my fingers to remember these other states, and ‘feel through’ the new feeling on the chosen finger.

Katherine Roff

 

Human beings are born with a unique gift of Nature: The CHOICE to select from our available options. This applies to emotions also.  We might not have unlimited choice, but we usually have many feelings.

So we can ask ourselves: “Am I really using this CHOICE?” I notice that sometimes I have forfeited this choice unconsciously.  Realizing this, I can then re-assert myself.

Tauqir Ahmad 

 

Take Two: Set aside two minutes – relax and breathe deeply.  Then write down two solutions to your problem.

Beth Hammett

 

Create opportunities to informally share what you feel and ask for feelings feedback especially in your teams as well as with clients. This can clear the air of any harbored darkness in the relationship.

Dexter Valles

 

When you are frustrated or upset, before you say something harsh, take a six second pause to quickly assess the costs and benefits of that action.  When you “Apply Consequential Thinking” you make more careful choices that ultimately work to your advantage.

Niloufer Aga

The post Tips to Practice Emotional Intelligence 2: Choice appeared first on Six Seconds.

It’s back-to-school time for many students, which means a classic ritual will be re-enacted in thousands of classrooms… without much attention to the real goal.  Teacher, “Does anyone have an idea of rules we should have for our classroom this year?”  

Keen student, hand thrust eagerly in the air, “You have to raise your hand to talk.”  

Teacher, “Oh, that’s a good one.”  (Writes it carefully on the scroll-shaped-paper headed “Our Class Rules”)

Another student calls out, “School should be fun.” (Teacher ignores, and looks for a student who will say, “We line up before leaving class….”)

Eventually, there’s a list of rules, and it looks much like EVERY classroom’s list of rules.  It was “student generated” though, so they will be committed to these rules, right?

 

Let’s take another example.  At work, we’re forming a new partnership, and we start by discussing, “What is our shared goal?”  Then we spend time considering how we can best reach the goal — and then jot a few agreements about how we’ll work together in this partnership.  We pass this back and forth a few times, and decide maybe we even sign it.

Does this feel different to you?

 

I suspect we’re often confused about the difference between “Rules” and “Agreements,” and this confusion has a significant impact on motivation. 

Rules are imposed.  They’re set for the purpose of compliance.  Transgressions should be punished to maintain the power of the rule.  Rules are “above people.”  The locus of control is external, teaching us that we don’t have the power – so we’re pushed toward obedience rather than internal motivation. 

Agreements are negotiated.  They’re set for the purpose of collaboration.  Transgressions should be discussed to learn.  Agreements are “between people.”  The locus of control is internal, teaching us that we have the power – so we’re pushed toward intrinsic motivation.  

 

Let’s return to the question of the goal.  Is this list in place so we can learn, individually and together?  Or is it in place so we have order?  Compliance?  Safety or the perception of safety?  The illusion of respect or real respect?  

What happens when there is a transgression?  Is that an opportunity to reinforce the rule and show it’s seriousness?  Or is it an opportunity for learning?

 

What would happen in your office, classroom, or family if you replaced many of your Rules with Agreements?  Probably it would take more time at the outset – would this investment pay off?  What’s the emotional affect?

The post Rules, Agreements, Emotion and Motivation appeared first on Six Seconds.

Six Seconds is a network of change makers working to improve  schools, communities, businesses, families… lives. We know that emotional intelligence is an essential toolset to do so.  And, as change makers, we need additional tools to move the ball down the field.  We’ve created The Change Maker’s Lab to assist with those ingredients — as part of our mission to support people to create positive change, everywhere, all the time.

In a workshop last week, I was asked to explain this “lab” concept in more detail, so perhaps more people want to know!  The point is to equip you as a change maker and to learn by doing.  On October 11, 2013, we’ll meet for the first Change Maker’s Lab in Menlo Park, CA (near Stanford).  

There will be 4 “tracks” during the day:

1. Master Plan:  Working on strategy and communication plans.
2. Video Studio: Creating compelling ‘interview’ segments.
3. AppWorks:  Plan engaging smart-phone Apps (and we’ll publish 1).
4. Sticky Learning:  Create transformational learning experiences.

Imagine you’ve applied and been accepted to the Master Plan Lab, and at 10:00 the focus is YOUR strategic plan. Some outside strategy experts from Silicon Valley & beyond, plus several allies from our network, and a facilitator, are all focused on your work.  Beforehand you had a coaching session to prepare, and in this hour you focus on some key steps.  Together with this “brain & heart” trust, you make breakthroughs and get clarity, designing a powerful path to move your mission forward. Everyone involved learns by doing – and you walk about with a much more powerful, clear plan for your work as a change maker — plus some new allies!
Then @ 11:00, either you stay in this lab & work on another change maker’s plan… deepening your own thinking about your plan… or maybe you pop next door to work on creating some WOW video…

During the day, you’ll move between labs, so you have time to participate in many powerful discussions to deepen your work.  And, best of all, you walk away with tangible resources to be even more effective.  

You can apply to be the “focus” of a lab.  You can apply to several.  You can also request to join as a collaborator only — meaning you’re part of these exciting discussions/work sessions focused on others’ project.  Applications are due by Aug 15!

Depending on the lab(s) to which you apply, you could leave with a master plan… a design for your App… powerful video clips of you as an expert…. a world-class learning module/activity/exercise…. plus new connections and insights by spending the day WORKING/PLAYING with a remarkable group of people.

Sound awesome yet?

More info on www.6seconds.org/events/change-maker-13/ – and download the brochure to read details

 

By the way, after this event is a hit, we’ll plan more labs to meet additional needs.  Would you benefit from a lab on communication?  Fundraising?  Building coalition?  Social media?  Designing change?  What are some key tools YOU need to strengthen your work as a change maker?

Share in the comments!

The post What’s The Change Maker’s Lab? appeared first on Six Seconds.

Same word, different meaning?  “I’m happy about the new shoes I got on sale.”  “I’m happy about the birth of our child.”

Do we even know what “happiness” means?  We seem to have a growing obsession with “happiness,” and while I love the positive spark of this concept, I suspect we’re missing the point.

As Todd Kashdan wrote recently in The Problem with Happiness (Huffington Post), we’re going about the “pursuit of happiness” in a way that’s actually undermining wellbeing!

“…as people place more importance on being happy, they become more unhappy and depressed.”

I frequently ask parents, “what do you most want for your children?”  On a tiny poll I ran, 73% gave their top score to… you guessed, “Happiness.”  Unfortunately, recent research suggests that not only does a happiness-obsession decrease real happiness, this trend may also be increasing self-interest and decreasing care for others.

At the core, I suspect, is a misunderstanding of the word itself.

 

Happiness Creates Unhappiness?

You may have heard one of Brené Brown’s compelling TED Talks about her research on vulnerability.  One important finding:  Suppress one emotion, and you suppress them all.  We cope with overload by dissociating – at a neurological level we dampen our emotional responses.  This lets us “cope” with seriously difficult moments (e.g., a warrior in hostile territory) – but there are significant costs to living in survival mode.

On a “happiness quest,” people often reject difficult feelings – and even blame themselves for feeling something “less” than bliss.  I remember once being on vacation in Hawaii, and thinking, “I SHOULD be blissfully happy,” but I wasn’t.  In Buddhist thought, that mismatch between expectation and reality is one the cause unhappiness. I increased my unhappiness by rejecting my own real, useful feelings of worry and discontent, attempting to replace “real” with “pleasant.”

I suspect that many of us fall into this trap:  We’re “supposed to be happy,” and in trying to be so, we push aside feelings that seem contrary to bliss.  We suppress the uncomfortable feelings, thinking that will make room for happiness; but when we suppress any feeling, we suppress all feelings.  Instead of increasing happiness, rejecting those “negative” feelings just creates numbness.

Even worse, this emotional favoritism makes it extremely difficult to move forward. Emotions serve to signal opportunity and threat, and at the core, we have them to solve problems.  We use mathematical data to solve math problems, we use emotional data to solve emotional problems.  If we decided only to use even numbers, we’d have a hard time with algebra – the same thing happens with emotions and the algebra of relationships.

In craving happiness, if we reject and devalue sadness, and a host of other valuable emotions as “in the way of happiness,” paradoxically we lose great data that would actually help us find a more profound and lasting happiness.

 

Shallow Happiness

In English, we use the word “happiness” to convey a wide range of experiences.  From the transitory moment of satisfied desire, to the profound connection to our own souls, we’re ‘happy.’  My colleagues Wendy Wu and Natalie Roitman from Six Seconds China told me there are multiple words for happiness in Chinese, two are:

快乐 (“kuaile” in Mandarin) represents the happiness of a moment.  A cold beer on a hot day.  A coveted pair of shoes on sale.  The beauty of a sunset.

幸福 （”xingfu” in Mandarin) signifies a more enduring fulfillment.  Reciprocity in a relationship.  Balance between present and future.  Growing wisdom. This “happiness” is deeper, each person “owns” it and nobody can just take it away. Is more stable/sustainable.

My colleagues in China said both might be translated as “happy” in English, despite profoundly different meanings.  If we have trouble distinguishing between these aspects of happiness, I suspect we’ll have a hard time gaining either.

One of my university mentors, Colin Dobell, once asked me in his crisp Anglo-Canadian accent: “Why are Americans so obsessed with happiness?  Aren’t there more important goals in life?”  At the time, I thought being happy might be quite fulfilling.  A few years later, I’d like something deeper.  Maybe “profound happiness” – I’d like to feel wholeness, connected to the fabric of life.  I’d like to feel worthy of the incredible gifts and opportunities life has given me.  I’d like to be on the side of history that makes the world better.  While this would make me happy, I’m also willing to struggle and sacrifice for these goals.

New research suggests that most people would call this “meaning,” and that the drivers of meaning are quite different from the drivers of “happiness.” Roy Baumeister is the lead author of the forthcoming paper, Some Key Differences between a Happy Life and a Meaningful Life.  Based on surveys about the meanings and causes of these two goals, a key conclusion:

“Happiness seems intertwined with the benefits one receives from others. Meaningfulness is instead associated with the benefits that others receive from the self.”

The paper offers an important insight:  wellbeing, or thriving, comes not from chasing momentary happiness, but from deeply engaging in life.  “Happiness is mainly about getting what one wants and needs, including from other people or even just by using money. In contrast, meaningfulness was linked to doing things that express and reflect the self, and in particular to doing positive things for others.” 

 

I’m Really Happy Now

Many studies show that we can increase our levels of happiness, and even more, our wellbeing.  Engaging with life is key.  Connecting.  Deep relationships.  Meaning.

A recent BBC article, Can We Make Ourselves Happier, offers that “studies suggest leading an active life has the strongest correlation with happiness.” 

Other studies show that money can buy happiness – when used for the benefit of others.  Generosity, gratitude, compassion, and service all seem to be positively correlated with a deep, lasting wellbeing.

As Emily Esfahani Smith recently wrote in The Atlantic, There’s More to Life Than Being Happy, “by devoting our lives to ‘giving’ rather than ‘taking’ — we are not only expressing our fundamental humanity, but are also acknowledging that that there is more to the good life than the pursuit of simple happiness.”

 

Fully Alive

In English, we don’t have one word to express the state of “fully aliveness” that might translate as lasting happiness.  Maslow encouraged “self-actualization.”  Happiness researcher Martin Seligman is now advocating, “flourishing.”  I like the term, “Thriving.”

All these words describe a rich engagement with life.  Like those traditional marriage vows, it’s about living life when it’s easy AND when it’s hard.  Most likely, we actually grow and deepen in times of challenge. That’s one reason we need to be open to all our emotions, not just the “pleasant” ones.

Emotions help us know what is important, and are important in “mature judgment” as well as ethical decision-making.  They tell us where we stand, who we can trust, who to push away, and who to embrace.  They also remind us to take care of ourselves and each other, and fuel both resistance and innovation.

So let’s not limit ourselves to a pursuit of happiness.  Let’s participate fully in life, and welcome the fear as well as safety, the sorrow as well as bliss, even shame as well as pride.  Let’s use all of our emotions as advisors and signals on an adventure to a life lived fully.

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