Six Seconds is a network of change makers working to improve  schools, communities, businesses, families… lives. We know that emotional intelligence is an essential toolset to do so.  And, as change makers, we need additional tools to move the ball down the field.  We’ve created The Change Maker’s Lab to assist with those ingredients — as part of our mission to support people to create positive change, everywhere, all the time.

In a workshop last week, I was asked to explain this “lab” concept in more detail, so perhaps more people want to know!  The point is to equip you as a change maker and to learn by doing.  On October 11, 2013, we’ll meet for the first Change Maker’s Lab in Menlo Park, CA (near Stanford).  

There will be 4 “tracks” during the day:

1. Master Plan:  Working on strategy and communication plans.
2. Video Studio: Creating compelling ‘interview’ segments.
3. AppWorks:  Plan engaging smart-phone Apps (and we’ll publish 1).
4. Sticky Learning:  Create transformational learning experiences.

Imagine you’ve applied and been accepted to the Master Plan Lab, and at 10:00 the focus is YOUR strategic plan. Some outside strategy experts from Silicon Valley & beyond, plus several allies from our network, and a facilitator, are all focused on your work.  Beforehand you had a coaching session to prepare, and in this hour you focus on some key steps.  Together with this “brain & heart” trust, you make breakthroughs and get clarity, designing a powerful path to move your mission forward. Everyone involved learns by doing – and you walk about with a much more powerful, clear plan for your work as a change maker — plus some new allies!
Then @ 11:00, either you stay in this lab & work on another change maker’s plan… deepening your own thinking about your plan… or maybe you pop next door to work on creating some WOW video…

During the day, you’ll move between labs, so you have time to participate in many powerful discussions to deepen your work.  And, best of all, you walk away with tangible resources to be even more effective.  

You can apply to be the “focus” of a lab.  You can apply to several.  You can also request to join as a collaborator only — meaning you’re part of these exciting discussions/work sessions focused on others’ project.  Applications are due by Aug 15!

Depending on the lab(s) to which you apply, you could leave with a master plan… a design for your App… powerful video clips of you as an expert…. a world-class learning module/activity/exercise…. plus new connections and insights by spending the day WORKING/PLAYING with a remarkable group of people.

Sound awesome yet?

More info on www.6seconds.org/events/change-maker-13/ – and download the brochure to read details

 

By the way, after this event is a hit, we’ll plan more labs to meet additional needs.  Would you benefit from a lab on communication?  Fundraising?  Building coalition?  Social media?  Designing change?  What are some key tools YOU need to strengthen your work as a change maker?

Share in the comments!

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Same word, different meaning?  “I’m happy about the new shoes I got on sale.”  “I’m happy about the birth of our child.”

Do we even know what “happiness” means?  We seem to have a growing obsession with “happiness,” and while I love the positive spark of this concept, I suspect we’re missing the point.

As Todd Kashdan wrote recently in The Problem with Happiness (Huffington Post), we’re going about the “pursuit of happiness” in a way that’s actually undermining wellbeing!

“…as people place more importance on being happy, they become more unhappy and depressed.”

I frequently ask parents, “what do you most want for your children?”  On a tiny poll I ran, 73% gave their top score to… you guessed, “Happiness.”  Unfortunately, recent research suggests that not only does a happiness-obsession decrease real happiness, this trend may also be increasing self-interest and decreasing care for others.

At the core, I suspect, is a misunderstanding of the word itself.

 

Happiness Creates Unhappiness?

You may have heard one of Brené Brown’s compelling TED Talks about her research on vulnerability.  One important finding:  Suppress one emotion, and you suppress them all.  We cope with overload by dissociating – at a neurological level we dampen our emotional responses.  This lets us “cope” with seriously difficult moments (e.g., a warrior in hostile territory) – but there are significant costs to living in survival mode.

On a “happiness quest,” people often reject difficult feelings – and even blame themselves for feeling something “less” than bliss.  I remember once being on vacation in Hawaii, and thinking, “I SHOULD be blissfully happy,” but I wasn’t.  In Buddhist thought, that mismatch between expectation and reality is one the cause unhappiness. I increased my unhappiness by rejecting my own real, useful feelings of worry and discontent, attempting to replace “real” with “pleasant.”

I suspect that many of us fall into this trap:  We’re “supposed to be happy,” and in trying to be so, we push aside feelings that seem contrary to bliss.  We suppress the uncomfortable feelings, thinking that will make room for happiness; but when we suppress any feeling, we suppress all feelings.  Instead of increasing happiness, rejecting those “negative” feelings just creates numbness.

Even worse, this emotional favoritism makes it extremely difficult to move forward. Emotions serve to signal opportunity and threat, and at the core, we have them to solve problems.  We use mathematical data to solve math problems, we use emotional data to solve emotional problems.  If we decided only to use even numbers, we’d have a hard time with algebra – the same thing happens with emotions and the algebra of relationships.

In craving happiness, if we reject and devalue sadness, and a host of other valuable emotions as “in the way of happiness,” paradoxically we lose great data that would actually help us find a more profound and lasting happiness.

 

Shallow Happiness

In English, we use the word “happiness” to convey a wide range of experiences.  From the transitory moment of satisfied desire, to the profound connection to our own souls, we’re ‘happy.’  My colleagues Wendy Wu and Natalie Roitman from Six Seconds China told me there are multiple words for happiness in Chinese, two are:

快乐 (“kuaile” in Mandarin) represents the happiness of a moment.  A cold beer on a hot day.  A coveted pair of shoes on sale.  The beauty of a sunset.

幸福 （”xingfu” in Mandarin) signifies a more enduring fulfillment.  Reciprocity in a relationship.  Balance between present and future.  Growing wisdom. This “happiness” is deeper, each person “owns” it and nobody can just take it away. Is more stable/sustainable.

My colleagues in China said both might be translated as “happy” in English, despite profoundly different meanings.  If we have trouble distinguishing between these aspects of happiness, I suspect we’ll have a hard time gaining either.

One of my university mentors, Colin Dobell, once asked me in his crisp Anglo-Canadian accent: “Why are Americans so obsessed with happiness?  Aren’t there more important goals in life?”  At the time, I thought being happy might be quite fulfilling.  A few years later, I’d like something deeper.  Maybe “profound happiness” – I’d like to feel wholeness, connected to the fabric of life.  I’d like to feel worthy of the incredible gifts and opportunities life has given me.  I’d like to be on the side of history that makes the world better.  While this would make me happy, I’m also willing to struggle and sacrifice for these goals.

New research suggests that most people would call this “meaning,” and that the drivers of meaning are quite different from the drivers of “happiness.” Roy Baumeister is the lead author of the forthcoming paper, Some Key Differences between a Happy Life and a Meaningful Life.  Based on surveys about the meanings and causes of these two goals, a key conclusion:

“Happiness seems intertwined with the benefits one receives from others. Meaningfulness is instead associated with the benefits that others receive from the self.”

The paper offers an important insight:  wellbeing, or thriving, comes not from chasing momentary happiness, but from deeply engaging in life.  “Happiness is mainly about getting what one wants and needs, including from other people or even just by using money. In contrast, meaningfulness was linked to doing things that express and reflect the self, and in particular to doing positive things for others.” 

 

I’m Really Happy Now

Many studies show that we can increase our levels of happiness, and even more, our wellbeing.  Engaging with life is key.  Connecting.  Deep relationships.  Meaning.

A recent BBC article, Can We Make Ourselves Happier, offers that “studies suggest leading an active life has the strongest correlation with happiness.” 

Other studies show that money can buy happiness – when used for the benefit of others.  Generosity, gratitude, compassion, and service all seem to be positively correlated with a deep, lasting wellbeing.

As Emily Esfahani Smith recently wrote in The Atlantic, There’s More to Life Than Being Happy, “by devoting our lives to ‘giving’ rather than ‘taking’ — we are not only expressing our fundamental humanity, but are also acknowledging that that there is more to the good life than the pursuit of simple happiness.”

 

Fully Alive

In English, we don’t have one word to express the state of “fully aliveness” that might translate as lasting happiness.  Maslow encouraged “self-actualization.”  Happiness researcher Martin Seligman is now advocating, “flourishing.”  I like the term, “Thriving.”

All these words describe a rich engagement with life.  Like those traditional marriage vows, it’s about living life when it’s easy AND when it’s hard.  Most likely, we actually grow and deepen in times of challenge. That’s one reason we need to be open to all our emotions, not just the “pleasant” ones.

Emotions help us know what is important, and are important in “mature judgment” as well as ethical decision-making.  They tell us where we stand, who we can trust, who to push away, and who to embrace.  They also remind us to take care of ourselves and each other, and fuel both resistance and innovation.

So let’s not limit ourselves to a pursuit of happiness.  Let’s participate fully in life, and welcome the fear as well as safety, the sorrow as well as bliss, even shame as well as pride.  Let’s use all of our emotions as advisors and signals on an adventure to a life lived fully.

The post Don’t Settle for Happiness: Emotional Intelligence and Life Worth Living appeared first on Six Seconds.

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260 change makers.  80 presenters.  50 cases.  32 countries.  3 days overflowing with sparks for positive change: NexusEQ at Harvard!

It’s nearly impossible to distill the meaning and power of this experience – I felt vibrantly awake.  Deeply connected.  Challenged.  Invigorated.  Full of wonder and hope and possibility and stress!  Here are a few highlights.  I can’t begin to capture all the insights, so this is just a first pass… I hope other conference attendees will share more in the comments — and hopefully we’ll have a DVD available soon  

Perhaps the most significant “take away” from the conference had nothing to do with the “content.”  At the opening, I read the list of 32 countries, and asked the participants to stand as I read their home.  “32” is meaningless on it’s own, but country after country, the applause got louder, and the sense of connection amplified.  We are a network of deeply committed change makers, and we are together.  We belong.

 

It’s Time to Step Up

In the opening, I issued a challenge.  We’re in a precarious place.  Environmentally.  Economically.  Educationally.  The fabric of our societies are fragile, and we’re not moving quickly enough toward sustainable thriving.  At the same time, we can see positive change ALL over the world.  It’s time to dig deeper.

We’ve set this vision:  1 billion people practicing the skills of emotional intelligence by 2039.  Maybe absolutely impossible, but what if?

And if we’re going to play the match, and do our best to see this come to life, we’re all going to have to reach a little further. 

Tweets:

@missahenkorah: Emotions spark change! @eqjosh

@DavidRCory: “Something is catalyzed when we connect with purpose” @eqjosh

@6SecondsEU: What if…1 billion people were practicing EQ by 2039? What would be different?

 

Calling All Change Makers

In the first keynote, Anabel Jensen reiterated the urgency of change, and reminded us that it’s in times of adversity and challenge that leaders step forward, and those leaders can be 5 years old or 95.

Anabel offered six ingredients every change maker needs, and her six commitments to keep practicing; first:  I can only change myself.  Imagine the world if we each were to develop the awareness and skills to take full responsibility for our own choices!

Another key point: If we’re not willing to stretch, even when it’s hard, we will not reach our potential.  She shared data about change, the power of role-modeling, the importance of connection – and the essential lesson of optimism.  Often it’s in the most difficult of situations where we also see the best in human beings.

 

As usual, Anabel engaged us to explore and consider and recommit – not someday, but now.  In small groups we identified the next steps that are critical for each of us.

 

Tweets:

@6SecondsEU: “You get up and make it work…and you do it with love.” @AnabelJensen

@CoachBanu: “I’ll never assume what the other person needs or wants. I will ask.” @AnabelJensen

@jenn_lofgren: Perseverance… Everyone can have a goal despite the most challenging circumstances – never give up! @anabeljensen http://t.co/IGNum2ORjs

 

Negotiating with Emotions

Daniel Shapiro gave a powerful keynote on finding our way through those challenges.  With humanity and humility (sharing some of his “low EQ moments” as a husband and father), his key point:  Emotions are driven by needs.  When “big emotions” come in, rather than ignoring, we have an opportunity to use the emotion as a signal of an important need.  By addressing the need, we go to the heart of the challenge.

One example:  Before they were married, Dan asked his then-girlfriend to watch his apartment.  Mia took the opportunity to redecorate.  On return, Dan started to un-decorate.  Lots of emotions… signaling a need for autonomy, a basic human desire to have SOME measure of control.

The lesson:  ACBD.  Always Consult Before Deciding.

They seem to have solved this challenge, because Dan brought their 7-3/4-year-old son Noah to share his advice on solving conflict:  Pause.  Take a breath.  Say you’re sorry.  Next argument, maybe we should all start there?  Dan’s work in international diplomacy shows us the urgency of this work on a global scale, but in the end, between individuals or nations, the challenges are much the same – and SEEING one another is an essential step.

 

 

Related Tweets:

@eqjosh: To appreciate: understand perspective, find merit in it, communicate that. Daniel Shapiro

@jenn_lofgren: How to address autonomy: ACBD Always Consult Before Deciding – Dan Shapiro

@6SecondsEU: In negotiation address one of the five core concerns…appreciation, autonomy. Affiliation, role, status…Dan Shapiro #NexusEQ

@eqjosh: Single deadliest mistake in negotiation is to assume a win-lose situation. Shift energy to me And you. Daniel Shapiro

@staciecgreen: All youth should be explicitly trained in negotiation with Daniel Shapiro. Can I have a teenage redo

@eqjosh: To deal with issues, even with ‘enemies’: build relationship then ask other person’s advice. From Roger Fisher, Daniel Shapiro

 

 

Celebrating Emotional Intelligence

At the end of the first day, we had our “EQ Fair,” which was one of my favorite parts of the conference.  24 “stations” with learning activities.  String trio. Hors d’oeuvres. 260 fabulous new friends.  Life is good!

 

This self-directed adventure of learning, fueled by social engagement, allowed all of us to connect with new ideas, powerful tools, each other, and ourselves.  As we learned later in the conference, this is actually one of the most powerful combinations for our brains!

What I particularly loved about this afternoon was juxtaposition of a rich learning environment and autonomy.  It brings me back to the points Dan Shapiro raised about negotiating effectively — this was an afternoon where people could fulfill their needs for autonomy, belonging, achievement, etc. 

  

 

 

Wired to Connect

Marco Iacoboni kicked off day 2 with a wonderfully in-depth session on the science of empathy, imagination, and change.  He shared a great deal of data, here are three key points:

1.  We are wired to connect.  We literally map one another’s experiences in our own brains – and at a cellular level we are constantly predicting what others intend.  It’s not just mimicry, it’s evaluation.

 

2.  For some time, we’ve heard about Type 1 and Type 2 brain processes – as Daniel Kahneman wrote in Thinking Fast and Slow.  The Type 1 processes are “quick and dirty,” and mirror neurons are heavily implicated in tuning into the data around us.  Type 2 processes are slower and based on weighing, reflecting, considering.  While there is some “competition” between these two systems, Iacoboni shared research they actually work because we have both.  Wisdom is about the integration of different aspects of mind.

 

3.  Learning is a process of connecting.  New synapses form.  Neural networks re-arrange.  While “ideas” are fascinating, it’s our social brain that really drives learning – fueled by imagination and empathy.  In fact, if we imagine ourselves as the topic of learning (in this picture, learning about how the internet sends data), his research shows that our brains activate more powerfully.

 

 

Related Tweets:

@6SecondsEU: If u want to understand something- imagine being that something- empathy!

@maxghini: Imagination is not a way to loose time but It’s a way to use all your brain’s potential!

@DavidRCory: Very cool, Marco Iacoboni explaining how emotions are contagious through mirror neurons #nexuseq

@eqjosh: Imagination is a kind of offline system of what happens in real life. Essential for empathy and learning! @marcoiacoboni

@eqjosh: The brain is built for interaction. Traditional classrooms are all wrong for the way the brain learns. @marcoiacoboni

 

How Does Innovation Develop?

Tony Wagner gave a compelling case for transforming learning – at school and work.  He found innovators around the world, and tracked down their most influential teachers and interviewed them! Bad news: almost all these educators-of-innovators were “outliers” who did not fit into their schools – but they have a number of powerful themes in common. The bottom line:  Traditional education is the opposite of what actually fuels innovation.

 

One key change that’s needed:  Focus on passion, purpose, and play.  Put less attention on “achieving” and more on fun.  Give kids, and adults, the opportunity to deeply engage in what matters to them – not because “it’s on the test” (which has 0 correlation with real-world performance), but because it’s meaningful and exciting.

 

Related Tweets:

@DavidRCory: Every single significant teacher in the lives of successful people were outliers who taught differently, Tony Wagner

@stevegarfield: Problem identification is more important than problem solving. @DrTonyWagner

@jimeagen: Want to create an innovator? Shift your view as a parent and allow for play, passion and purpose. Schedule less, bring in whimsy

@eqjosh: What skills will young people need to get & keep a job & be good citizens? What skills matter most in today’s world? @DrTonyWagner

@stevegarfield: “Adaptability and learning skills are more important than technical skills.” @DrTonyWagner

@eqjosh: How many of you learned more from your failures than successes? Self-reflection required @DrTonyWagner

@jimeagen: What went wrong with the American Dream? #1: 70 % of our GDP is driven by consumer spending. Debt. This isn’t sustainable.

@eqjosh: Future of our economy needs to be based on innovation, not consumption @DrTonyWagner

@jimeagen: From Tony Wagner: “How much can a computer scored, multiple choice test tell us about anything to do with learning? Nothing.”

@6SecondsEU: Collaboration requires deep appreciation of culture & capacity to empathise. Tony Wagner

@riyaadseecharan: This is one of the most compelling keynotes I have attended.  Play, passion, purpose are keys to life. With @coachbanu in Boston.

@stevegarfield: What gets tested is what gets taught.  @DrTonyWagner

@stevegarfield: Innovators want to make a difference, more than wanting to make a lot of money. @DrTonyWagner 

 

Change is Opportunity

Myles Munroe shared his inspiring story of coming from poverty, finding spiritual truth, and being driven to make a difference.  He reminded us that just as each of us are here in this world to make a difference, so too are our business and institutions.  Money is a means to track business value, but it’s not what’s truly valuable in itself.

 

As change leaders, our job is to lead… and to embrace change.  That requires a special kind of courage based on deep conviction.

 

Related Tweets

@stevegarfield: The greatest source of disappointment in life is the expectation of things to remain the same.  @MylesMounroe1

@6SecondsEU: What would happen if you think opportunity when u hear the word crisis? @mylesmunroe #NexusEQ http://t.co/S5iufIj2z0

@richthinking1: Initiate change and you can control it. Dr Myles Munroe.

@DavidRCory: “You came to earth to make a difference and you still owe us” Dr Myles Munroe

@6SecondsEU: The greatest protection against change is to expect it. @mylesmunroe1

stevegarfield Steve Garfield The greatest protection against disappointment is the expectation of CHANGE.  @MylesMounroe1

@stevegarfield: An expert is someone who has stopped thinking because they believe they know enough.  @MylesMounroe1

@stevegarfield Steve Garfield Chinese word for “crisis” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_word_for_%22crisis%22 @MylesMounroe1 #factcheck

@stevegarfield: Great leaders never seeks followers, followers are attracted to them.   @MylesMounroe1

 

Emotional Intelligence Drives Business

Among the many outstanding breakouts and panels, one of the most exciting was a discussion on emotional intelligence and business.  Outstanding panelists:

• Shannon Brown, SVP, Chief HR & Diversity, FedEx Express
• Melkart Rouhana, former Corporate Director of Global Learning, The Ritz-Carlton Hotel Company
• Elizabeth Priestman, Chief Marketing Officer, Fuse Powered Inc.
• Caron Harris, CEO, Forward African Transport Services
• Jean Dyer, Interim Dean, Division Health Sciences, Mass Bay Community College
• Richard Hazeltine, Tech Leadership Development Manager, Zappos IP, Inc.
• Hajj Flemings, Founder of Brand Camp University

 

A few key points:

• You can’t innovate from a spreadsheet.  Creativity & change come from human connection – and emotion.
• We have serious challenges and problems to solve: we need to bring all our capabilities to the floor, including the skills to build coalition across boundaries.
• Influence is made from emotional connections.
• Today there is a lot of “clutter” in the market and in our daily lives.  To cut through, we need a clear emotional connection to what’s important.
• Passion is the “secret” ingredient that takes leaders toward meaningful success.
• Successful business people see the value of building relationships.
• Self-awareness is a central responsibility of leadership.

 

 

Related Tweets

@DavidRCory: This is about being a better human being #nexuseq

@6SecondsEU: EQ predicts 47% of individuals performance…Amadori case 2013. #NexusEQ

@FusePowered: @ZapposStyle @RitzCarlton @FedEx & Fuse: EQ Panel at Harvard University today! Why is EQ Important In Business?

@eqjosh: 7million packages to load & unload in 5 hour window, 290k employees — why FedEx is teaching emotional intelligence to leaders…

@eqjosh: FedEx priorities in order: 1. People.  2. Service. 3. Profit.  Why EQ matters.  Jimmy Daniel

@DavidRCory: Lauris Woolford, care for employees by coaching for development vs coaching for compliance

@HajjFlemings: The EQ in business panel at the #nexuseq Emotional Intelligence Conference! @nlharvard http://t.co/gawklxbLqx

 

 

What Does it Take to Lead Change?

Here are a few insights from six founders of organizations creating positive change around the globe.  An incredibly diverse group, they shared insights on their goals and challenges as change makers.

How do you sustain yourself?  Be self-aware.  Connect with your purpose.  See the change – watch people shift.  Renew yourself emotionally, physically, spiritually.  Build a great team including allies and mentors.

 

Related Tweets:

@6SecondsEU: Being a change agent… knowing its going to be difficult and being okay with that.

@BrentDarnell: Emma Freedman did an awesome job! What a remarkable young woman. Check out www.jungleheroes.org

@eqjosh: What helps me stay on track with vision? Really knowing myself. Fran Johnson

@eqjosh: What sustains me as a changemaker? Relationships. Optimism. Mentors. Team.

 

We Connect to Learn

Mary Helen Immordino-Yang’s presentation was stunning (and ended with a rousing standing ovation).  She’s a neuroscientist doing fMRI imaging about the role of emotion in learning – and her presentation is truly a role model of emotion in learning.  Head + Heart.  Three key points:

1.  Our social brains, where we process emotion and connection, are “built on” brain areas that regulate our bodies and other basic survival functions.  When we talk about “gut feel,” guess what?  The part of our brains giving us signals about social connection are also regulating our viscera.  Gives new meaning to “visceral reaction,” right?

2.  As we heard from Iacoboni, the brain areas responsible for reflection on self & others seem are suppressed when we are focusing attention outward.  Emotional awareness & empathy are inhibited to “focus” outward, and visa versa. Immordino-Yang showed us these 2 brain areas, and made a potentially huge observation:  In a society where we’re HIGHLY stimulating this external-focus brain area, the reflective brain area is probably not developing fully.

3. Our brain’s systems for learning are based on social interaction.  Even the most technical information is turned into learning through the very same neurological processes that infants use to engage with their mothers.  It’s not just that social interaction improves learning:  In an absolutely fundamental way, learning occurs because of the importance our brains place on social connection.

 Here’s her free online course on neuroscience for educators.

Related Tweets:

@6SecondsEU: Our biology is inherently a social one. Dr. Immordino-Yang

@DavidRCory: Inspiration is admiration for virtue and is embodied in the same neuro systems as our sense of self and changes our physiology

@riyaadseecharan Listening to the neuroscience of learning. #heaven

@eqjosh: Cognition & emotion are actually two simultaneous aspects of the same thought.  Dr. Immordino-Yang

@HajjFlemings: Listening to Dr. Immordino-Yang tell an impactful story at #nexuseq http://t.co/40chKjJu1N

@eqjosh: Physical & emotional pain play in the same neurological structures that work to keep us alive.  Dr. Immordino-Yang

@DavidRCory: We literally cannot live without social relationships

@eqjosh: What does really effective empathy look like?  A many-faceted mirror taking many perspectives at once.  Dr. Immordino-Yang

@eqjosh: The connections across massively interconnected brain cells are constantly changing = learning. Dr. Immordino-Yang

@jenn_lofgren: We cannot live without social relationships as evidenced by the Bucharest Intervention Project – Dr. Immordino-Yang #NexusEQ

@eqjosh: Empathic relational mechanisms in infant-mom interaction is basis of all learning. Dr. Immordino-Yang

@6SecondsEU: Art & science innovation from our unique ability to have empathic relation to ideas. Dr Immordino-Yang

@eqjosh: We bring passion to learning by forming an empathic connection w ideas. Dr. Immordino-Yang

@6SecondsEU: Our thoughts are inherently an emotional process. Dr Immordino-Yang #NexusEQ

@eqjosh: In empathic reaction, there is a critical pause where we link current situation to our own lives. Dr. Immordino-Yang #nexuseq

@jenn_lofgren: You can’t have emotion without cognition and vice versa. It’s two dimensions of the same thought. #nexuseq  Dr. Immordino-Yang

@CoachBanu: neuroscientist M.H. Immordino-Yang: our emotions are inherently part of our cognition at #nexuseq http://t.co/PrHCkZpVru

@jenn_lofgren: Dr. Immordino-Yang passionate and engaging on neuroscience and emotions… Wow!

@eqjosh: “Gut feeling” we literally process some compassion in brain areas that regulate viscera (guts). Dr. Immordino-Yang

@eqjosh: Our survival as a species is completely integrated with survival of one another. Dr. Immordino-Yang

 

Thoughts, Emotions, Physiology

Dr. Herbert Benson delivered one of the final keynotes.  It was truly an honor to be in the room with this person who’s done so much to shape our understanding of “mind body” medicine.  Benson spoke about the stress response, and it’s counterpart: The relaxation response.  While Benson began this work in the 1970s, the science is now even more compelling.

New research shows that stress actually changes our DNA at a cellular level, and that learning to de-stress is not just “nice to have.”  While life throws us all kinds of challenges, we have choices about how we respond.  When we don’t take those opportunities, the effects on our vitality are significant.

Key points:

Emotions are biological.  Body, mind, heart – one system.

Stress is ‘normal’ but it’s not necessary to stay in distress.

Interrupting the uncertainty, the cycle of ‘what if this happens next’ is key to reducing stress. 

 

 

It’s Time

I closed the conference presenting our research on change, and a simple, powerful truth:  While most change fails (still), we now have the insights and skills to change our experience of change.

The challenge now is to leverage this science and make it part of every community, every school, every business.

 

The post Sparks of Change appeared first on Six Seconds.

In 1990, the science of emotional intelligence was launched with an intriguing paper by Peter Salovey and John Mayer.  Where conventional thinking says emotions are in the way of thinking, they suggested that, perhaps, emotions could assist thinking if used effectively.  Fueled in large part by Daniel Goleman’s 1995 book on the subject, we saw a wide and deep interest in the first decade to discover the meaning of this powerful concept (here is an article on the origins of emotional intelligence, interviewing Dan Goleman & Peter Salovey). 

In the 2000s, the concept was widely known, but yet unproven.  This second decade was a period of validation, where we learned that emotional intelligence is correlated with a wide variety of valuable outcomes in business, in education, and in life.  Dozens and dozens of research studies in this decade showed EQ predicts leadership effectiveness, sales, customer service, financial wellbeing, career progression, academic achievement, health, relationships, and positive behaviors.  While research is ongoing, by 2010 the case was well established.

What will the third decade bring?  In the past, initiatives on emotional intelligence were significant, but limited in scope.  They tended to focus on a pilot group — leaders were testing the concept.  In the last few years, we’ve seen more and more organizations integrating emotional intelligence into the fabric of their operation as a key to competitive advantage.  Just one example: we recently published the Amadori Case, a 3-year study showing the effects of making emotional intelligence a central part of organizational strategy.

The first NexusEQ Conference was held in 2000.  At that conference, the concept was new to many participants — and a major question was:  How do we define emotional intelligence?  By the 2005 NexusEQ Conference in Holland, the theme had shifted, and many presentations focused on how to measure the value of EI.  It’s powerful, today, to see the agenda of the 7th NexusEQ Conference – to be held at the Harvard Medical School Conference Center on June 24-26, 2013.  There are over 50 cases.  This is not a situation of “early exploration.”  We’re seeing a wide and deep application of this breakthrough concept.

As Daniel Goleman wrote yesterday, emotional intelligence has come of age.

This third decade of emotional intelligence is about application.  

Using the science and practice to create positive change — and on the agenda we can see this happening in remarkable ways.  From worldwide implementation at FedEx, to in-depth integration into elementary schools and universities, to transforming addiction, to saving the environment:  Emotional intelligence is the difference that makes the difference.  

These are foundational skills for human interaction, so in this third decade we’ll see emotional intelligence woven more deeply and powerfully into the fabric of our institutions and lives. It’s time not just to know, or to value, but to practice.

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Thank you to Tanabe Yasuhiro, the Managing Director of Six Seconds Japan. Preparing for a presentation together, Tanabe-san raised this important point about the evolution of our work.

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Surveying thousands of people over 15 years, there are two attributes that make real leaders stand out.  This first is listening.  Why’s it such a rare and powerful practice among leaders?  What would it take to be one of those?

Today, I spoke with a group of business leaders in Lisbon, and again, listening popped up as a rare and exceptionally powerful gift of exceptional leaders.  If I were talking to your colleagues, would they think of you as the one “stand out leader” in their lives?  I suspect that more careful listening is one of the most powerful ways to get on this most exclusive of lists.

Why is listening so significant?

From my personal experience, it’s easy for me to think of times when I didn’t sense real listening.  This triggers all kinds of insecurities for me:  Do I matter?  Am I included? Do I have a voice?  As a somewhat introverted person, I’ve often felt like an outsider.  But when someone really listens to me, I can FEEL the connection.  I suspect listening meets many of our basic human needs:

First, good listening is a gift that touches a core need for significance.  When people listen to us, they give us time.  They don’t “take time” to listen, they give it.  This sends us a primal signal:  I matter.

Second, when a leader listens, we feel belonging – which is one of the most powerful human motivators.  Literally, when we “feel listened to,” we have a “seat at the table.” We are part of the group — and when it’s the leader listening, we’re part of the leader’s group.  We’re in.

Feeling heard activates a third basic human need: accomplishment.  We have a voice.  We have a chance to contribute.  We’re part of the solution.

 

Why is listening so difficult?

Thinking about this article, I was remembering the last few interactions I had with my team.  I was leaving on a long trip, had about a million and seven tasks to accomplish, and I was pretty focused on my own “stuff.”  One of my team members came to ask me some questions.  At one level, I perceived it as an interruption and went into judgment, “this isn’t really important, why do we need to talk about this now?”  Thankfully I’ve learned to halt that inner critic pretty quickly, and I navigated my emotions and turned on some empathy… but this initial reaction offers some insight (I hope so, else, I’ve just admitted to being a bit of a jerk for no reason).

As I mentioned in a recent article about stress and collaboration, there’s intriguing research about the way our prefrontal network prioritizes information.  In order to “focus” on tasks and data, our brains shut off other functions, including processing emotional data: more task orientation means less empathy.  In our high-stress lives, we are forcing our brains to juggle, and when there are too many balls in the air, we drop some.  Unfortunately, we often drop the fragile glass ones that create trust and partnership and respect.

In the Six Seconds Model, one of our core competencies is to Recognize Patterns.  What are your typical reactions when you have too much to do?  When you think someone is interrupting? When you feel impatient?  My patterns certainly don’t help me listen…

 

How to be a better listener?

I suspect that one reason emotional intelligence is essential in good listening is that EQ skills help us cope with stress (here’s some research on EQ & stress in healthcare).  EQ skills help us juggle those glass balls… and, help us prioritize which ones to drop when we’ve got to do that.  Accurate assessment, after all, is one of the key outcomes of intelligence (be it emotional or mathematical).  So a few tips for bringing emotional intelligence forward when listening:

1. Engage imagination and curiosity.  

For a recent article on Forbes about the neuroscience of empathy, researcher Marco Iaboboni shared some insights about the links between imagination and empathy.  When you imagine, you build new neural pathways — you create bridges.  You don’t KNOW what the person is experiencing, but you can play, “what if.”  “What if I had this problem?”  ”What if I had to talk to me right now?”  ”What if she is uncertain and needs my help?”  ”What if there is a real problem I’m not seeing?”

I’ve found curiosity to be an invaluable partner to listening.  There’s a Japanese proverb I love, “The other side also has another side.”  Everyone has a story.  There’s something fascinating hiding just out of view.  People rarely (never?) say what’s really on their minds… heck, half the time I don’t even know what’s really on mine.  But with this combo of imagination and curiosity I can enter into a sense of wonder and openness that let’s me hear much more than is said.

 

2. Re-prioritize.

The biggest obstacle, perhaps, is bizzyness.  Did you see the intriguing NY Times opinion about “The Busy Trap“?  Summary: “ The ‘crazy busy’ existence so many of us complain about is almost entirely self-imposed.”  We LIKE being busy!  We’re addicted to it.  Probably in a literal, chemical sense of addiction.  I’ve noticed on long plane rides across the Pacific, I am a great listener.  Or on a ambling walk through the winding stress of Rome.  Or laying on the warm sand near home on the California Coast.  Or during super-late-night letlag-fueled chats sipping mint tea in Singapore’s Arab Quarter. These are “time out of time” movements.  There’s no agenda.  No menacing “to do” list.

The obvious implication is that I am much better at listening when there are not “more important things to do.”  Hm.  Let that settle in for a minute:  What’s our job as leaders?  Isn’t leading our people actually the most important thing to do?

 

3. Remember that faking it is, well… fake.

There’s conflicting evidence about smiling — it seems even a fake smile can lower your stress and improve your mood, but research says it can also make you miserable to fake happiness. In any case, many people are able to see through as least many of the fakes (you can test yourself on this free BBC experiment).  In any case, when we “fake it,” we send a mixed emotional message.  This inconsistency is a signal that can trigger distrust — even if we’re not aware that’s happening.  Instead, take ownership of your feelings so you can be real.

Keep noticing your own feelings.  When you feel impatient, anxious, overwhelmed… you are unlikely to be a good listener.  These are not “negative” or “bad” feelings, they have an important role and purpose, and you’re unlikely to be effective trying to “just push them aside.”  Instead, recognize the emotions as signals of a problem, and deal with it.  Do so before it escalates and it will be relatively easy — otherwise you’ll have a long period of under-performance, especially in jobs such as listening. 

You can learn to navigate emotions.  If you need help, get an EQ coach.  It’s an invaluable skill if you’re committed to leading people.

 

4. Suspend and attend.

My friend Mimi Frenette shared this phrase when we were teaching EQ skills to the US Navy.  Suspend means to stop doing other tasks, and to stop internal chatter (e.g., thinking of what you’re going to say back).  Attend means to notice — not just hearing the words, but attending to the meaning.  What’s underneath?

As Lea Brovedani describes in TRUSTED, leaders who listen stop what they’re doing.  They close their computers.  They move to a new chair.  They give their attention.  This makes listening into a literal moment of investment in the relationship.  An investment in trust.

In her chapter on empathy in Leader as a Mensch, Bruna Martinuzzi provides several tips for listening, including: “Don’t interrupt people. Don’t dismiss their concerns offhand. Don’t rush to give advice. Don’t change the subject. Allow people their moment.”

 

At the start, I mentioned that two factors keep arising in these discussions of exceptional leaders.  The second is about supporting risks, and I’ll write about that soon.  In the mean time, are you still listening?

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“500,000 people will be listening, but you need to give them just 3 short messages, ok?”  I was interviewed in Mexico many years ago, and the host explained that since it’s a Spanish station, I needed to make just three brief statements in English – she would translate each and discuss in Spanish.

After wonderful discussions with my colleagues, I decided on three messages — a “story” I’ve continued to articulate for over a decade.  Before I tell you my answer, I’d like you to consider how you’d answer.  If you could deliver three powerful points to half a million people, what would you tell them?

To answer, it might be helpful to consider:  What is the problem you want to solve? Is there a change you’d like to make in your business, your family, your community, the world?

As I travel around the world, I see that many of our biggest challenges are tied to a disconnection between the choices we’re making, and the results we’re creating.  No one WANTS to create economic meltdowns or environmental depredation, but we do.  A few days ago I posted featuring Anabel Jensen (Six Seconds) and Tony Wagner (Harvard) talking about the need to transform education.  In that, Anabel says,

It’s not enough to be smart, we need a powerful blend of ethics + compassion + commitment.  We need to put our principles into action.”  

Why don’t people do so?  What would it take to live that way?  This consideration led me to my answer for the radio show:

1. Emotions are real and they affect us.  They affect how we respond,  they shape the decisions we make.

2. You have a choice.  Maybe not total freedom, but options in how to respond.

3. Your choices matter.  Every decision, every interaction, affects ourselves, and others, and ultimately the world.

I didn’t realize it at first, but when I decided on my three messages, they are actually tied to the three parts of the Six Seconds Model of Emotional Intelligence. Know Yourself is about tuning into the value of feelings.  Choose Yourself means owning the decisions.  Give Yourself means ensuring those choices add up to create a worthwhile legacy.

What makes these three ideas transformational is that they are a PROCESS.  As we go through these three steps, we bring our emotional intelligence forward to make better decisions, to take action that’s aligned with our real goals.  Or, in Anabel’s words, to put our principles into action.

 

I hope to see you at the NexusEQ Conference in June, to share and hear how practitioners around the world are using emotional intelligence to make positive change. It’s part of our vision to support 1 billion people to practice the skills of emotional intelligence — which will require all of us to become more clear about those “3 essential points” we want to share.  S0 in the meantime, what are your three core messages?  Please share in the comments!

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Tony Wagner, Harvard professor and author of Creating Innovators, recently asked, “We no longer have to go to school to acquire knowledge – so what’s school for?”  Thirty years ago, teachers challenged students to write a paper with five cited sources.  Today the difficulty is narrowing it down to five.  Information is everywhere – now students need to learn to create meaning, which requires a much different skill set.

What do future leaders need?  Is it enough to memorize a set of problems?  While there are many opinions, a trend is emerging around the value of skills for being self-aware, collaborating with others, and creating new possibilities.  While traditional intellect remains important, these skills require a new form of insight into self and others, a capability called “emotional intelligence.”

 

Inventing the Future of Invention

In June at Harvard University, Wagner will join 80 other experts from around the globe – scientists, teachers, business leaders, and change makers – at the NexusEQ Conference. The question:  How to spark positive change in every sector of society?

Anabel Jensen is no stranger to this challenge, and she’ll open the NexusEQ Conference with a powerful invitation.  A pioneer in the field of emotional intelligence education, Jensen is a professor of education who has trained over 10,000 teachers.  She started multiple schools, and, as a school principal, was one of a few to ever win two Federal Blue Ribbon awards for excellence in education.

Today, Jensen is President of Six Seconds, the world’s largest network of emotional intelligence experts and advocates.  She is also the CEO of Synapse School, with a unique mission: Educating future change makers.

“A change maker ignites a spark of possibility, and nurtures that potential into a powerful force,” says Jensen.  “To lead change requires both insight and passion – head plus heart,” she explains.  That’s why Jensen’s school is infused with emotional intelligence.  “Every teacher, every parent, and every child benefits from practicing the skills of emotional intelligence.  It’s a powerful skill set to unlock potential.”

 

The Ingredients for Change Makers

At the NexusEQ Conference in June, Jensen’s opening keynote is called, “Calling Change Makers.”  She will share the essential ingredients for leading in the 21^st Century, and invite participants to put these into action.  “It’s not enough to be smart,” Jensen says, “we need a powerful blend of ethics + compassion + commitment.  We need to put our principles into action.”

Other conference speakers will echo this theme, sharing successes of how emotional intelligence is creating positive change.  Examples range from Fintan Connolley restoring hope among poverty-stricken youth in Northern Ireland, to Andre Earl-Clive Bisasor teaching negotiation skills to teens in Boston.  The common theme is harnessing the power of emotion to create positive change.

 

Educating the Heart: Social Emotional Learning

There is a pervasive perception in Western education:  We need to focus on the basics.  Particularly with the emphasis on testing created by the No Child Left Behind Act, schools are grappling to produce results.  Fortunately, in recent years, “social emotional learning” is becoming increasingly recognized as an essential component for school success.

In a kick-off webinar for the conference, Tony Wagner pointed out the risk of the old way of thinking, “Increasingly, schools are about one subject:  Test preparation.”  Wagner went on to point out that given all the changes occurring in society, it’s probably time for education to change as well.

The surprising news is that there’s no conflict between “basic education” and “educating the heart.”  Numerous research studies show that developing emotional intelligence ALSO improves academic achievement – and life success.   Quoting a compelling essay in The New York Times: “promoting students’ social and emotional skills plays a critical role in improving their academic performance.”

In a beautiful video entitled “Educate the Heart,” The Dalai Lama Center for Peace and Education asks us to consider our children, “are the tools we give them enough to prepare them for this world?”  It continues, “If we truly want to prepare them for the world outside, we must also educate the heart.”

 

Emotional Intelligence: 21^st Century Skills

Anabel Jensen says, “We teach what we are, and we are what we teach.”  This means that the first step to teaching emotional intelligence is to practice the skills ourselves – as teachers, parents, community leaders, friends, concerned citizens.  “The skills of emotional intelligence,” she says, “are learnable and practical.  The challenge is to make a commitment and to keep practicing, especially when life is complex.”

Six Seconds, the nonprofit organization organizing the NexusEQ Conference, teaches that emotional intelligence can be activated with a simple three step process:

1. Increase awareness.  Notice your feelings and reactions.
2. Increase choice.  Pause and consider options.  Respond instead of reacting.
3. Increase purpose.  Pay attention to what’s truly important in the situation.

To put this process into action, Six Seconds has identified eight specific, learnable, measurable competencies.  Emotional intelligence skills include self-awareness, consequential thinking, optimism, and empathy.

In Six Seconds’ work, these are assessed with a tool called the SEI, Six Seconds Emotional Intelligence Assessment, which is available for children and adults.  The organization also publishes curriculum for students, workshops for parents, and training programs for teachers and business people. 

At the NexusEQ Conference, over 50 case studies will share how these and other emotional intelligence tools are actually working to improve learning, innovation, and leadership.

Perhaps the best news is that universal relevance.  These essential skills support academic success for children.  The same skills help young people make healthier decisions.  Later, this toolset equips adults to lead.  As Wagner says, “For the first time in history, skills to do well in work & skills to be a good citizen have converged.”

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