Category: Emotional Intelligence

Max, Emma, Patty and I regularly listen to audiobooks in the car.  There are amazing EQ lessons in these stories, and I find that listening to them creates a strong emotional connection — plus it’s a great way to keep the peace on long drives!

On the plane yesterday, listened to the end of Pam Munoz Ryan’s book, Esperanza Rising, a lovely story of a family and a young woman learning, “never be afraid to start over.”  Esperanza is a privileged child growing up in a wealthy family on El Rancho de las Rosas in Mexico.  Her father is killed, and for a variety of reasons she and her mother escape to the Central Valley in California where they live in a farmworker’s camp during the Depression.  Amidst threats of strikes, illness, loss, fear, and scarcity, Esperanza’s hands harden, but her heart softens.  She learns empathy and her optimism is fueled by connectedness to family, the land, and community.

As the story ended, I was sobbing, touched by the hope and strength in these women, their courage, compassion, and openness to life.  It’s a beautifully woven tale, a dark and serious time in our history entwined with shining threads of love and resilience.

The narrator, Trini Alvarado, did a beautiful job — I’m sure the book is lovely in print as well — but I highly recommend listening to it.

For teachers, Esperanza Rising would be ideal for discussions of the emotional intelligence competencies of Exercise Optimism and Increase Empathy, as well as for themes of migration, power, and, of course for California history.  The fact that the story is based on the author’s grandmother’s real life makes it even richer.

Based on Emma & Max’s reactions, I’d say this is great from ages about 7 and up.

I’m distressed about purposelessness.

The serious companies with whom we consult worldwide have all spent time, and usually a lot of money, crafting a “vision-mission-values” statement. There seems to be some confusion about why. Sometimes, it seems, they’ve made one because that’s what everyone else does.  Something’s just not “clicking” – or maybe I’m just on another planet with this issue?

Clearly it’s difficult for a large organization to stay focused when people don’t have a shared picture of where they’re going.  What are we in business to accomplish?  To avoid confusion, let’s call this the “What.” Most mission statements I’ve seen have some clarity around the What:  To be the best bank in someplace.  To deliver world-class hospitality.  To deliver technology solutions supporting key government programs.

Then it seems valuable to at least have an idea of strategy – how we’re going to do that (but in my experience good strategy changes rapidly with changing circumstance).  This is the “How.” How sounds like: By maximizing lending through blah blah.  By touching the heart.  By integrating robust services for rapid deployment.  These are interesting, sometimes important, but rarely powerful.

The tragically missing ingredient is the WHY.

I am most often invited to do leadership programs for senior executives or for high potentials (upper level but usually younger managers being groomed for senior leadership positions).  Occasionally I get to work with both groups in the same organization, and it’s fascinating to see how these groups each relate to the mission-vision-values statement.  Often the senior leaders are excited, they’ve been involved in the creation and it has meaning, significance, to them (though sometimes it’s “just something HR did”).  I’ve never seen a group of high potentials likewise touched by these documents.

Some executives, particularly finance types, seem very excited about phrases like “being the best in,” and perhaps that is a big enough WHY for them.  Perhaps encoded in that phrase is something deeper than financial gain?  But it doesn’t seem to translate to a compelling purpose for middle managers, and it certainly leaves me flat.

One of most powerful human drives is to belong to something worthwhile; so perhaps leadership is about enrolling people in a truly significant purpose.  To tap this power, we need two ingredients:  significance and belonging.

What constitutes significance?  A start is “value above and beyond utility.”  Something can have non-utilitarian value because it’s beautiful or impressive or makes us laugh.  A great statue, an impressive building, a winning team or a compelling story all have value above and utility. That’s part of the human experience from time immemorial and not a bad touchstone for motivation. Maybe “being the best,” if it really happened, would have significance.   I suspect that companies that change their domains, like Apple has done with mobile computing, carry significance because of that groundbreaking experience.  But there’s still something deeper: meaning.

If significance is about value, then meaning is about purpose. “Purpose above and beyond utility.”  In other words, a real answer to WHY.

I suspect that I’m a bit of an extremist in this regard.  For me, “to make money” doesn’t qualify because that’s not above and beyond utility.  “To be the best” doesn’t qualify because that’s not a purpose (it’s a recognition of something).  “Giving 1% of profits to charity” doesn’t work for me because that’s a byproduct of the organization’s success, not the focus in and of itself.  When I seek meaning, I am looking for a profound commitment where the work of the organization is threaded in the very fabric of life.

In itself, this kind of purpose, a “real WHY,” is tough to find.  But even more difficult is keeping it real in a growing, dynamic organization.  I’ve heard there are some that have done this, but in the hundreds of companies where I’ve worked, and in the many thousands my colleagues and I have touched, I’m hard pressed to think of more than two – and both of those are nonprofits where the WHY is clear, but their HOW isn’t!

How depressing.

Or maybe – what a great opportunity for us?

In the Six Seconds Model, the “capstone” is a competency we call “Pursue Noble Goals,” which enables you to connect with purpose in your daily life — to put your purpose into action.

Daniel Pink’s video about his new book, DRIVE, provides a fun and clear way of talking about this essential topic:

Two questions that can change your life from Daniel Pink on Vimeo.

Here are a few other pieces from our blog about this topic…

About “pursuing” a noble goal

The purpose of a noble goal

Purpose and the generation gap

Putting it in action today

Randy Pausch’s “Last Lecture” about Achieving Your Childhood Dreams.

One of the fundamental choices we each make in each moment is to live in that state of fight or in the state of flow.  As I’ve written before (in this article and in At the Heart of Leadership):

• FIGHT is characterized by power where the goal is the be right OVER another; emotions such as anger are signals of power and sorrow are signals of weakness.
• In FLOW being right or wrong are less important; the goal is to connect in a purposeful, significant way.

The film Avatar illustrates this choice on several levels.  Perhaps the most vivid moment is when protagonists Jake Sully and Neytiri meet.   Sully is in danger on an alien world and, as night falls, he makes a torch/spear and attacks the threatening wildlife.  Forest savant Neytiri saves him and throws his torch into a puddle, plunging them into darkness.  At first Sully is… not thrilled… by this “help.”  But eventually he sees differently.

In the darkness, Sully finds something else — the luminescent beauty of the world is revealed.  While he’s in the FIGHT mode he’s cut off from the world around him, literally blinded by his own weaponry. Forced to give that up, he begins a journey to encounter the world a different way.

We all do this — when we’re in FIGHT we tell ourselves that’s the only way, and we’re fighting for our survival.  Often actually creating more peril, but it’s all we can see.  It takes a leap of faith (or a push from someone else) to drop into FLOW.  There’s a huge AHA! as we see that where there used to be one option, now there’s the liberty of choice.

A few months ago Patty had routine physical, and her doctor ordered some tests, which came back positive so she needed a biopsy. While statistically odds were strong that it would be a nonissue, we were both a bit anxious – especially because of her cancer scare a few years ago.

We carefully didn’t say anything to the kids because we didn’t want to worry them.  But on the day Patty went for the biopsy, Max asked me in a quiet, serious voice:  “Does Mama need surgery again?”  (He was about 4 when she had surgery before.)

I was stuck by his ability to observe and “read between the lines.”  And, by the way this cancer fear stayed with him.

I suspect that in general kids see far more than we want them to.  From an evolutionary perspective it makes sense – there’s survival value in being able to read subtle cues.  Left to themselves kids will take those cues and make their own meaning, sometimes accurate, often exaggerated… but it’s important to remember that fear creeps in the absence of information.

What else are they seeing?  And what meaning are they making?

 

PS.  Patty’s biopsy was totally negative – which was a relief!  This was days before we were leaving for Borneo and South East Asia for six weeks, so it was fabulous to get this resolved before we went!

The 2010 Workplace Issues Report captures input from 279 leaders and employees from a variety of sectors around the globe.  They said…

65% of the pressing issues are on the people side, 35% on the financial/technical side (but in 2007 it was 76/24). Even in the current economy, the people issues were seen as 30% more significant than the technical/financial issues.
The most pressing challenge today is maintaining a healthy culture under intense economic pressure. Respondents identify several aspects of leadership as the key to this, especially vision, feedback, and communication.
Getting and keeping good people – especially “people people” – will make the difference.	(graphic made with Wordle.net)
89% of respondents said feelings are highly important or essential in solving the problems they face.
Only 8% of respondents report that they’re fully trained to deal with the issues they’re seeing.
92% see the value of EQ — but only 33% say their organizations do likewise. Those that do see EQ as critical for their culture. Hospitality, T&D, Education, and Finance lead the way — Medical and Technology trail the pack.

Agree?  Disagree?  Take the survey yourself and ask 5 colleagues to do likewise.

To receive the complete report for free, just fill in this form.

You’ll receive the PDF via email within moments. The email comes from “staff@6seconds.org” so please watch for that!

† Please feel free to make up to 10 copies; for larger quantities, please contact us for permission

♦

Last week Emma was “fussing out” about a writing assignment.* So I said, “then don’t do it.”

“But I H A A A A A V E to…” she moaned.

I pointed out that she did not, in fact, have to: She had choice and each choice had consequences.

She cried harder.

Why?

Emma was caught in a classic emotional trap: wishing it were not so (but knowing it’s not).

Many of us squander buckets of energy spiraling around as we avoid directly facing the facts of our current reality, for example:

Frequently leaders I work with will tell me they have an employee that they KNOW isn’t working out, but they pretend (at some level) that it will change. Months and a lot of pain later, they finally pull the trigger and make a change (sometimes still avoiding the real issue by moving the person to be a poor performer for someone else).**

Some of my younger friends tell me about someone they’re dating, “He’d be perfect if only…” KNOWING it won’t happen, yet they hold onto this hopeless hope.

I want to write another book and KNOW that all I have to do is start writing, but I tell myself I don’t have time right now… in three months I’ll have less time, but I may finally become so frustrated with myself I take action.

Yes – change is possible, but denial is sweeter.

When something feels tough, we often defend ourselves by avoiding the truth of the situation. At the extreme, it’s like a scared 3-year-old: “If I cover my eyes you can’t see me!” While it’s “obvious” this doesn’t work, most of us do it regularly!

The paradox is that while we’re “protecting” ourselves and others from the “brutal” truth, while we stay in the trap we continue to feel frustration, fear, and sorrow. Those feelings push us to narrow our focus to dig into a problem:

Frustration – something’s wrong

Fear – something important may be at risk

Sorrow – I’m losing something I care about

While we stay in the mix of the problem, those feelings continue and usually escalate until we finally get serious. Once we confront the situation and make a commitment to deal with the current reality, then the feelings shift.

So the moral is: fire everyone we’re frustrated with, spit up with everyone who disappoints us, and forget about projects that stress us out – right?

Er… maybe not. But those feelings are signals – like indicator lights on the dashboard – saying, “Hey – check it out. Maybe it’s time to get real.”

—–

* Emma is now 10, and an amazing student. She’s also a perfectionist and when something is hard and the “right answer” is not clear, she stresses herself out. Familiar to any of you?

** To be clear: Often a poor performer would be GREAT somewhere else because the problem is frequently the match. But then there are people you just know in your heart will not do well anywhere in this organization, and it takes chutzpah to stand up and take the right action.

[First published Nov 11, 2003]

Lately life has been somewhat tempestuous at home.  Emma’s 4-1/2-year-old priorities conflict with Max’s 2-1/2-year-old priorities — add two work-a-holic parents and their own stresses, and voila, you have a powder keg. Recently it got to the point I was looking forward to travelling so I could have a few days of peace.  I take that as a bad sign.

The last few days gave me new insight into my job as a parent — and equally essential lessons as a consultant and manager.  Most managers tell me their biggest struggles are managing conflicts and relationships — so perhaps this story about managing the conflicts at home will provide ideas even to those without kids.

Last week I had time with Karen McCown, Six Seconds’ Chairman and Founder.  We talk frequently about my little family and about her grandchildren.  As many EQ Reflections readers have told me, grandparent-hood sounds like the best of parenting: all the love, none of the “hot buttons.”

The next day I happened to talk to a colleague and the psychotherapist sitting next to her.  I talked a bit about my struggles at home, and I was struck by the dramatic difference between the therapist’s approach and Karen’s.

The therapist said, “It sounds like you are letting you kids run things in your house, and you can’t do that.”

Somewhat testy, I said, “Actually, I can do it — but I agree it might not be a good idea.”

“You need to be clear about who’s in charge,” she went on, ignoring my frail jibe, “and consistently reward the appropriate behavior and have consequences for the inappropriate behavior.  You have to be more consistent.”

Not bad advice for a cocktail party.  Then I considered Karen’s advice from the evening before and how different it was.

First Karen asked me what is happening — what’s the pattern.  I explained that a conflict escalated, Emma’s behavior got explosive, and I sent her to time out or her room.

“Is that working?” asked Karen.

“Not really.”

“So you probably don’t want to keep doing it, do you?”  Under Karen’s clear gaze, there was only one available answer.  I shook my head.  “Do you and Emma talk about what happened?”

“Emma would rather not,” I say starting to feel a bit pathetic — how did I give a four-year-old so much power?

After a few more minutes, Karen summarized our discussion into this experiment:  “Why don’t you try this:  Next time you send Emma to her room, say, ‘When you are ready to talk about what happened, come get me.’  Then, discuss what happened and make an agreement about what Emma and you will do differently next time.  Write it down where Emma can see it.”

 

Before I tell you what happened, what’s the difference between Karen’s advice and the unknown therapist’s?  Notice who had the power or “right” in the adult-to-adult conversations.  Notice how each approach changes the power dynamic between Emma and me — one actually escalates the power struggle, the other side-steps it.

My sense is that Karen’s advice also focuses on the long term vs. short term — Emma needs to make decisions for herself, and eventually these will be fairly serious decisions.  What am I doing now to equip her for that challenge?

 

This weekend when one of the “inevitable” conflicts occurred, I had a surprising experience.  While I was caught up in the conflict, I did not feel the need to explode — I didn’t feel hopeless.  This is the power of having a new strategy.

I asked Emma if she wanted to talk about what happened, when she grouched, “NO,” I followed Karen’s advice.  A few minutes later, Emma was ready to talk.  I began my Self-Science process and asked, “What happened?”

I discovered that looking at the whole event was too complex, that Emma really had trouble telling the story.  So I began telling what I thought happened, and after each little piece, I asked if she agreed — really asked, not to get agreement but to get her view.  We agreed on some parts, not others, and didn’t debate it — we both identified the story from our sides.

Then I identified the part that was upsetting for me:  “I felt ignored when I told you to stop grabbing your brother for the second time and it did not seem like you listened.  Were you listening?”

“No,” said Emma, and I could see the realization sink in.

We put up a chart paper in her room and I asked what I should write.  Emma said, “No Ignoring.”

I was surprised again when the next day there was a minor tussle between Emma and Max.  When I asked what happened, Emma told me, and said we need to go write on the list.

 

I suspect that a large part of my own reactivity with the kids comes from feeling so powerless — from feeling like this won’t end, and I can’t stop it.  So the lesson for me as a parent:

• keep practicing optimism (it WON’T last forever and I CAN make a difference if I try).
• keep experimenting with new ways of communicating.
• to stay out of the power struggle — make my job be “help them learn” rather than “enforce.”

Reflecting on the two different styles of giving me advice, I see three key points to remember an “expert,” consultant, and manager supporting others.

Ask, help them see the story, the pattern.

Challenge the “insane” (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results)

Offer questions, alternatives, and experiments rather than answers.

I need to remember I don’t have the answers to my own challenges, let alone yours!  Perhaps the best we can offer one another is a compassionate ear and the encouragement to keep learning.  It’s probably harder to sell than “the answer,” but I suspect there’s a lot more value in it.

Warmly yours,

– Josh

Three different people told me the same story last week:

I’m too busy keeping my head above water to make progress on my real goals.

On one hand, that’s a practical and realistic way of coping.  Look, we’ve all experienced that some days we can barely tread water fast enough… and some days we sink… and on those days it’s “impossible” to put time and energy into the future.  How can you invest when you can’t put bread on the table?

All three had practical, legitimate reasons for “treading water,” they were not making weak excuses.  There just has not been time.

So that’s the “practical reality.” What about the “emotional reality”?  What I noticed in all three conversations was a loss of energy and momentum.  There’s an emotional cost to postponing your future, and when you’re calculating the choices of your day and week, this needs to be factored in. I suspect that when you factor in the emotional cost (in the extreme, dying a little more each day), the equation might change?

You’ve likely seen this framework that Stephen Covey offers in First Things First:

Covey points out that we need to avoid QIII and QIV, and shift more time to QII if we want to build the future.  Good!  Let’s do it!!!  How? Well… that’s a problem.  It’s a fabulous model, though most of us already know that we need to stop fighting unimportant fires and getting sucked into distractions… but we still do that.  We’re choosing to put time in QI, QIII, and QIV, and shortchanging QII.  Why?

Because we’re not driven by “what we know.”  We’re driven by what we feel.

There’s some set of feelings boiling around this pattern of behavior pushing and pulling us.  There are feelings before the choice (to shortchange QII).  Then there are feelings the come immediately when we do what we’re doing instead… then there are still more feelings when we end the day saying, “*(@_!_)# another day with no time for QII.”

If I can indulge in a bit of prognostication, I suspect that if your pattern is “do QI &III but miss QII” you’re feeling a mix of stressed, overwhelmed, impatient, excited, and focused (even driven). If you’re getting sucked into QIV then your feelings are likely to be bored, uncertain, distracted, lonely, or lost.

Then, despite the knowledge that QII is the only way out, you still go to another quadrant, and, for the moment it feels good.  If you’re QI and QIII focused, you probably get great feedback, maybe overhearing, “He’s so reliable….”  “You can count on her….”  If you’re escaping into QIII, you get a bit of relief.  In any case, there’s a feeling payoff — an emotional benefit.  What is yours?

The first, and perhaps most important step, to getting out of the pattern is to recognize the emotional drivers.  What’s triggering your pattern, and what payoff are you getting from it?  Knowing that is not enough – you need to DO something with those feelings.  That’s another article… but I’d love to hear your ideas (post a comment!)

I also noticed that in these conversations, and many others – including many in my own head, there’s a refrain about being busy:  “I can’t do this unless I can devote a block of time…”  Many a project have lingered on my “to do” list because I told myself I didn’t have the six hours or three days or whatever to complete it.  Consider this:

If you had a month you could devote completely to your future, what would you do with that month?

How about if you had one week?

What could you do if you had one day?

How about if you had five minutes?

We all have time, but for most of us it’s fractured — five minutes here, and hour there.  While it’s extremely challenging, somehow we have to reclaim those dribs and drabs of time and turn them into a worthy contribution.  As usual, I would suggest the challenge lies not so much in the technical achievement of this end, but in the emotional transition we must undertake in order to bring the A game to these momentary matches.

Survive or Thrive

To conclude, here is powerful reminder from Karen McCown, Six Seconds’ Chairman:

If you focus on survival, then your survival is at question; if you focus on thriving, then your survival is assured – and more is possible.

Each week you have but a few discretionary hours to cash in:  Will you spend or invest?

Max and I were at the sushi bar this evening and I indulged in my “restaurant vice” of listening to the conversations around us.

There was a guy about my age who seems to work in construction or trucking; he was talking with his buddy about the woman he’s been dating the last few months.  What intrigued me was his experience of beginning to build a relationship with the woman’s three daughters, and the “raking over the coals” they were giving him.  I was struck by the complexity of this situation, and was touched by the care – even reverence – he held for the situation.  At least to his buddy, he expressed no impatience, no regret, no blame, but you could hear some pain and uncertainty and hope all mixed in his voice as he shared what it’s been like to be introduced to the girls as their mom’s new “friend.”

While I was touched by his tenderness (though presented in a “guy” slap on the back fashion), I was also thinking that the poor guy’s in over his head.  As the generations roll on, we’re increasing the complexity and removing support systems.  Many, maybe most, of us are trying to do right by one another — but we don’t quite know how to navigate these new situations and roles.  While the logistics are not that daunting, the emotions are very messy; maybe it’s just that there are so many opportunities for “big” emotional experiences in all this social complexity?  And how do we learn to navigate this new terrain?  We’ve barely learned to cope with the world as it was, and each day we’re adding complexity — creating situations none of us is equipped to handle…. yet somehow, with luck and the many blessings that strengthen us, we stumble onward and sometimes it seems to work.